windsong reflections

what is the point?

2011-10-09T01:10:00.000-04:00

does age make us wiser
does religion make us better

can love heal all hurts
can time heal all wounds

must we forgive to forget
or do we forget to forgive

does joy follow pain
or does pain follow joy

are we absolutely sure
nothing is absolute

can we love what we fear
or fear what we love

happiness is not something you find

outside the inside of your mind

what rages through your soul
a banshees wail or a lovers scream

does it always feel real
or does it really feel always

if you look up and i look down
who is left to look around

who is right
who is wrong

black and white thinking
shadows on the wall

a veil of truth surrounds me
i hide my face in shame

what once was hidden
can now be seen again

It's been a really, really long time since my last confession

2011-02-21T18:32:00.000-05:00

Things have been pretty rocky the past six months. There is a lot of instability where I work and everyone is trying to find some even ground to stand on. Things have changed for me and I'm hopeful again.

This past weekend was one of the best I've had in a long time. Troy and I had an easy Saturday, spending money we probably shouldn't have. But, hey, that income tax refund should be in our account this Friday. :)

We were so relaxed. The weather was beautiful beyond description this weekend. When we were out and about on Saturday, we met so many people who were friendly and smiling. Seems everyone was happy to have a break from the dreary, cold weather. We even sold a litter box at PetsMart! A couple was looking for a litter box and we gave them our *expert* opinion of which one was best. We really should do an info-mercial and get commission on them!

We went to Barnes & Noble to get me another Nook charger. Troy has been after me since I got it to get a second charger so I can leave one at work and one at home. Then I don't have to tote one back and forth every day. The clerk behind the register was so nice and friendly. She asked about Troy's castle necklace and loved his nature Tao t-shirt. She thanked us for coming in and said we had such positive energy. She said it was a nice note to end her night on.

Troy says when I'm happy I glow. I definitely felt like I was glowing Saturday. I have hope again for my job. I spent the whole day relaxing and having a good time with my best friend and soul mate. The weather was beautiful with a slight breeze. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love the wind.

Hope you are doing well. Peace.

Fa La La La La La La La La

2010-12-17T10:02:00.002-05:00

The true Christmas Eve story

2010-12-17T08:13:00.000-05:00

'Twas the night before Christmas and out on the ranch
The pond was froze over and so was the branch.
The snow was piled up belly-deep to a mule.
The kids were all home on vacation from school,
And happier young folks you never did see-
Just all sprawled around a-watchin' TV.
Then suddenly, some time around 8 o'clock,
There came a surprise that gave them a shock!
The power went off, the TV went dead!
When Grandpa came in from out in the shed
With an armload of wood, the house was all dark.
"Just what I expected," they heard him remark.
"Them power line wires must be down from the snow.
Seems sorter like times on the ranch long ago."
"I'll hunt up some candles," said Mom. "With their light,
And the fireplace, I reckon we'll make out all right."
The teen-agers all seemed enveloped in gloom.
Then Grandpa came back from a trip to his room,
Uncased his old fiddle and started to play
That old Christmas song about bells on a sleigh.
Mom started to sing, and 1st thing they knew
Both Pop & the kids were all singing it, too.
They sang Christmas carols, they sang "Holy Night,"
Their eyes all a-shine in the ruddy firelight.
They played some charades Mom recalled from her youth,
And Pop read a passage from God's Book of Truth.
They stayed up till midnight-and, would you believe,
The youngsters agreed 'twas a fine Christmas Eve.
Grandpa rose early, some time before dawn;
And when the kids wakened, the power was on..
"The power company sure got the line repaired quick,"
Said Grandpa - and no one suspected his trick.
Last night, for the sake of some old-fashioned fun,
He had pulled the main switch - the old Son-of-a-Gun!
- Anonymous

Social security fraud by whom?

2010-12-04T06:17:00.000-05:00

MSNBC recently reported about the widespread misuse of social security numbers. Our "unique" identifier. According to research done by a large credit services bureau, they determined 1 in 7 Americans have had their SSN used by someone else. (http://redtape.msnbc.com/2010/12/odds-someone-else-has-your-ssn-one-in-7.html)

Something the article doesn't discuss is, what happens to the social security taxes paid on those misused SSNs?

Basically, it goes to the government as "unclaimed taxes". Just think about how much money that is every year that employees AND employers pay into the social security fund that will go unclaimed.

If I've figured that out, you can't tell me the government hasn't figured it out as well. So, just what ARE they doing with that extra money?

Dreams of Children

2010-12-04T06:09:00.000-05:00

Read me first so this blog makes sense:
The Dream Act (http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/orange/os-dream-act-immigration-bill-20101130,0,4438059.story)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The thing about kids is, they are at the mercy of their parents.

They live were we tell them to live, eat what we tell them to eat (for the most part), and go to school where we send them to school. Children of illegal immigrants are no different.

Right, wrong, or indifferent and as much as you may dislike the saying, "It is what it is", well, it is exactly what it is.

Or, exactly what is it?

We have illegal immigrant children who have attended our schools and received educations. Children who continued on to college and received college degrees. Children who identify more with American culture than that of their parents birth.

Educated adults who cannot get legal jobs so they may contribute to our society and economy.

We want to punish them because of what their parents did.

We want to cut off our nose to spite our face.

Hello? These children have attended our schools and received good educations. They are capable of being productive members of our society. They can pay taxes, buy goods at local vendors, and volunteer. So, let's throw them all out now.

I guess, in a way, that could be good for other countries. They could benefit from the education our country provided those children.

How many illegal immigrant children are in the US today? No one knows, except the answer seems to be, "a lot". Do we know who they all are? No. So what is the reality of rounding them all up and getting them out? Does everyone understand what an "exercise in futility" is? Okay. Let's move on.

Basically, our systems have become irrelevant and instead of trying to move forward and fix it, we would rather waste time punishing people who could, right now, today, be contributing even more to our society and our economy.

They are already here. Why not give them a chance and save ourselves all the paperwork and wasted money spent on immigration applications and the process to give them a piece of paper that makes them "legal" - or the massive amount of money (our country doesn't have) to throw them out?

...and if you're afraid they'll take jobs away from legal immigrants, then maybe a little internal competition would be good for the growth of our country? After all, isn't that what capitalism and democracy is all about?

Sweet Sylvia

2010-11-21T19:57:00.000-05:00

This week came to a close with the realization that I have a lot to learn and do in a very limited amount of time. I can see overtime looming in my immediate future.

Saturday morning we awoke to find our 16-year old (not 14, as previously reported elsewhere) Himalayan, Sylvia, with her legs straight and stiff. She was unable to stand or walk and was not even attempting to. She did not appear to be in any pain and was purring in no time when stroked, so that is a good thing.

We rushed her to our vet's office and was fortunate our favorite vet, Dr Hess, was there. They took Sylvia right back to assess her. Troy and I both dreaded what we knew was inevitable. We just couldn't understand what had happened to her. She's not a climbing cat and is what we call a "hider". She chooses different hiding places and lives there everyday only coming out to eat, drink, poop, and pee. She chooses a spot and lives there for 6-9 months and then moves on to another one. At one time it was a litterbox. EWWW! Needless to say, she didn't stay in that one 6 months! We couldn't understand any way she would have gotten an injury on her spine since she doesn't climb or jump and just stays hidden.

Dr Hess came in and confirmed what we already knew. He said the cause was a blood clot and that there was nothing to be done. He said it's time to let her go, but I already knew that too.

It's so hard letting go of any of our kitties. They truly are members of our family. We talk to them all the time and sometimes they answer back. Like Sam.

Each one of them is special to us. Some say cats don't have personalities, but I promise you, I am an expert on this subject and our cats do. They each have quirks and pecularities. But we love them each and everyone.

We were given a few minutes alone with Sylvia before the shots were given. We each petted her and cried, telling her how much we love her and how special she is. She was alert, in no pain, sitting up and purring. After a little time, Dr Hess returned and gave her the first shot to relax her and put her into a twilight sleep.

I leaned over, cradling her head in my hands. I placed my cheek against her fur so she could smell someone familiar as she took her last breath. I continued whispering to her, telling her how much I loved her, how special she was, and how grateful I was she shared her life with us. As I whispered to her the drug from the second shot sent her peacefully along. As she took her last breath, my cheek was against hers and I continued telling her how beautiful she was, how much we loved her, how grateful we are, and told her to look for the little kitties like Sam that she could now chase.

Does she hear me? Does she understand? I do not know and will probably never know. But I do know that it makes me feel better. It's hard to watch a pet be put to sleep, but being with her as she took her last breath makes me feel I kept my promise to care for her to the very end.

Rest in peace, Dear Sylvia. Beautiful princess.

We love you.

Until we meet again ...
Namaste

Inspiration comes from the strangest places

2010-11-18T09:12:00.000-05:00

I have a family member that is really struggling with things in her young life. I am trying to reach out to her, but am not sure how. It hurts my heart to see her struggling as she is.

She is on my mind a lot. I remember being a confused, angry, misunderstood (more by myself than others), and frustrated teen. I am constantly wondering, "How can I reach her? How can I tell her all the things I've learned that helped me overcome those feelings, for there is so much to share?" I have been composing a letter in my head to her, but cannot seem to condense it enough to keep her interest long enough to read the whole thing.

The other day I was speaking to a friend of mine about one of my personal philosophies of life. She told me, "You are so wise". While I don't feel wise, and may not be college-educated or very smart, I do feel like I've been through a lot in my life and have come through the other side. It's more liked "experienced, paying attention and learning".

So the combination of these things have gotten me to thinking. I've always felt destined to write a book and have attempted to sit down and do so a number of times. But it just didn't seem to come each time I sat down. I've had general ideas. My drive and passion has always been to share my "unique" experiences with others that may help them or encourage them. I don't believe I have all the answers, but do believe I have a few to some of the tougher questions.

I keep feeling these little prods to write my book. Just feels like when the time is right, when I've learned whatever else it is I need to learn to share with others, then the book will flow.

I feel like I'm getting close ..... and if it will help my family member, then it feels even more important now than ever before.

Unbelievable weekend!

2010-11-15T10:43:00.000-05:00

It was such a great weekend! Saturday night meditation was amazing! We had two 45-minute sessions and during those I was able to reach those rare moments you experience in meditation. You cannot try to create them, they just come naturally when you reach the right state of mind.

During differents points of the meditation, I would feel "detached" from my physical body. It felt as everything in the physical was connected, but the true essence of "I", while a part of it, was also independent of it. It was like being a an ocean and feeling water around you. You are surrounded by it, you are primarily made up of water, but you still feel independent of the ocean.

I felt so wonderfully relaxed and calm after our meditations.

We got up Sunday morning and had a lazy morning. At 2, we went to visit friends of ours. We had the most amazing and relaxing time. I really enjoyed spending time with them. They are one of those few couples you feel completed comfortable with.

This morning, I was able to squeeze in a good 30-minute meditation. That felt good and felt as if I tapped into a little bit of the good feeling I got from Saturday nights meditations.

Great weekend. Feeling refreshed this morning. Hopefully, it will last. At least, until lunch time! LOL

Have a beautiful day!

I NEED YOUR HELP PLEASE!

2010-11-08T12:37:00.000-05:00

Conversing with a co-worker and thinking about everything that looms ahead. It is true. If I can just remain focused on today, I WILL always be okay. It's a lot easier to breathe this way ...

Help me come up with a quick mantra - no more than four words - that I can repeat to remind me to focus only on today. Post your suggestions as a comment on my blog website.

THANKS!

Peace is always found with family

2010-11-08T12:01:00.000-05:00

HI THERE! Yep, I'm still alive and kickin', so-to-speak. Life has been one heck of a rollercoaster these past six months. Heck, this year has been a rollercoaster, but the past six months have been even more challenging. Things at work are beyond stressful, but I think I am handling it well.

My company was sold to another company, so as all acquisitions go, there is always fear and uncertainty on the "Buyee" side. I am more fortunate than many of my co-workers because I am the only person left in the company who can support our primary software system that we operate with. I don't think I have to fear losing my job at this point. For me, it's more fear of the overwhelming and crushing responsibility I am assuming. I am trying to remain positive and upbeat and realistic. The next six months will probably be the most difficult and challenging of all. I have worked on developing a mindset that I will do everything I can to be supportive during the next six months with the expectation that it won't be easy. I find dealing in reality always seems to work better. As long as I can develop an action plan (which I have), then it is all I have control over. Since it is all I have control over, then it is my primary focus and a lot less frightening than thinking about all the responsibility and "what ifs" that could happen.

In anticipation of the upcoming challenges, Troy and I snuck in a long weekend with my family in the panhandle. We drove up Wednesday. Thursday morning my Mom and step-Father drove to Panama City to look at a van they have being customized while Troy and I slept in. When I woke up, I began to have one of the anxiety attacks I have avoided for a while. It really surprised me because it came on quickly and began to ramp up. I told Troy what I was feeling and he just pulled me into his arms and held me. I clung to him for dear life and he held me until I pulled away. I was shocked to find that just from him holding me close, the anxiety had eased and I felt like I could breathe again.

I think it was because I have been living with the stress at work for a couple of months now and have been holding it together because I didn't want the negative to consume me. Once I got somewhere that I could relax and let my guard down, it all came rushing out. Once I got past it, I was fine for the rest of the visit until the morning we were preparing to drive home. I had to really work at putting all the fear and anxiety out of my mind as I thought of what lies ahead for the next six months. If I look at six months, I can't breathe. If I can focus on only today, I can manage it. One day at a time, Sweet Jesus.

During my visit I had an emotional experience with one family member that led to understanding and compassion I did not have before. It is extremely personal and I do not wish to divulge details here. Just believe me when I say, it was more profound of an experience than I ever would have anticipated. It was healing and brought me a sliver of the peace I have sought for most of my self-tortured life. For that experience alone, it was well worth the trip. You cannot assign value to an experience like that because it truly is priceless when it leads to self-discovery and growth.

I also got to see two cousins and an uncle I have not seen in 18 years. When I last saw my cousins they were about 10 years old. I spent time with my Grandmother and a lot of time with my Mom. I cannot express how I feel in my heart right now as I think of all of them and the time we spent together.

It is true. We can search everywhere: drugs, alcohol, money, sex, power, religion...but nothing can bring you the peace that Family can. No matter who we are. No matter what our life is like. When you have family that loves and supports you, you need nothing else. It's just too bad that some of us forget along the way. The good news is, we always have the opportunity to wake up and realize what we've truly got.

I've got to go now. I think I smell the coffee..... ;)

Have a Blessed day!

it's interesting ...

2010-09-04T09:21:00.000-04:00

... i just don't seem to have very much to say lately ... depression? mania? does it really matter why? it just is.

i'm still here.

panic attacks

2010-07-02T10:26:00.000-04:00

I don't think I've ever suffered a REAL panic attack before. Since I started the Geodon I have been struggling with irritability and always feeling "on the edge". As the weeks pass by, it has gotten worse. I am exhausted all the time and have no energy to do anything. I'm constantly gritting my teeth. Fixing Troy's coffee at night for the next morning can be an effort. Cooking a meal is an act of perseverance. A couple of weeks ago I started having trouble sleeping. At first it was waking up in the middle of the night feeling panicky and worrying about a bunch of different things. It felt like I had to get up and do something right then before it all came crashing down on me. I would eventually be able to calm myself back into a slightly anxious sleep.

A week ago, it started happening when I would lie down at night. As soon as my head touches the pillows all these worries and concerns come bubbling up. These aren't things that haven't been a "normal" part of life. Home repairs, money, normal types of things that every one worries about. But they become overwhelming. Where you feel like everything is coming to a head and it's happening RIGHT NOW, RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

This is different from the panicky feeling you sometimes get with a known cause, like forgetting to pay a bill or remembering a forgotten appointment. This is out of the blue, whammy right between the eyes, heart pounding, chest constricting fear about everything all at once!

Yesterday, I had a full-blown, heart-wrenching panic attack that lasted the better part of the day. I have never felt anything like it before. My hands were shaking. My heart was pounding. I was freezing cold, then sweating bullets. My chest felt so tight I felt as if I could barely draw a breath. My head felt like it would explode. I was beyond the point of tears to utter hopelessness and despair. The realization that even tears won't help. Even running wasn't an option because it felt like all this pressure would follow me wherever I go. Even suicide thoughts came bubbling up. "What's the point? It will always be like this." It took everything I had to battle it with the reassurances that this feeling would pass. It's hard to convince yourself of that when the attack lasts for hours.

What is going on? I think part of it is the new medication, which I am stopping. I'm weaning myself off of it first to make sure I'm not doing something radical. I will admit, I prefer mania to this kind of heart-stopping anxiety. At least when I'm manic everything is optimistic and I feel happy. This is insane, pun intended.

We'll see how I do as I come off the Geodon. If I have to switch to another medication, then I will. But I refuse to take Geodon anymore!

lessons learned...they just never stop coming

2010-06-23T11:50:00.000-04:00

I think I've reached that point in life when you realize that every single moment is a lesson in itself waiting to be discovered.

We went to CVS last night to pick up Troy's prescription. Troy had dropped his prescription off earlier in the day and was told it would be ready around 7 PM. When we arrived I saw the pharmacists were overwhelmed with prescription orders and trying to wait on customers. I stood ever so patiently in line waiting our turn. I was Mother Theresa in the Pharmacy of Chaos. Smiling. Patient.

UNTIL...it was our turn at the counter and the pharmacist had not filled either one of the prescriptions because she didn't know what one of them was. Mother Theresa disappeared in the flash of an eye and Irritated Karen was left behind. We explained to her what the confusing prescription was for and she told us to come back in 20 minutes. Yeah, that didn't sit real well with Irritated Karen either. I allowed my displeasure to be extremely clear on my face as we walked away. "Why didn't she at least fill one of them?" Troy whispered to me. (He's wise to Irritated Karen. Tread carefully but carry a Big Stick.)

This is where Buddhism comes in. It has taught me to observe, not the actions of others, but of myself. So I asked myself, "Self, why are you so irritated? They are obviously overwhelmed and have extremely inexperienced pharmacists trying to fill the prescriptions."

The answer: I was irritated because I was inconvenienced. All I wanted to do was go home, climb into my pj's, and relax into my evening. Instead, I had to come back to the pharmacy to pick up the prescription. Due to circumstances beyond my control, my wish for control was thwarted. In other words, my irritation was completely and totally MY created emotion. No one created it for me. I decided to react that way to circumstances beyond my control because *I* had been inconvenienced.

What made this an even more powerful lesson was that a month or so ago, I was in another CVS and I went to check out at the Pharmacy to avoid the slow-moving line at the front of the store. I was Happy-Mood Karen and pleasantly waited as the pharmacist assisted another customer. The customer asked if the pharmacist could give her cash back, but he asked her not to because he had just opened his cash drawer and did not have much cash. She was irritated with him, I assume, because of the inconvenience. Just like I would be a month or so later. I tried to comfort the pharmacist while throwing daggers at her retreating back for being so mean to the nice man. I was Holier-Than-Thou-Because-I-Practice-Compassion-and-Understanding.

Funny how lessons change when the shoe is on the other foot, huh?

Happy Father's Day, Daddy ...

2010-06-20T12:11:00.000-04:00

I miss my Dad and wish he were here so I could say to him,

"Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

I hope you're proud of me.

I love you and I miss you."

I wish I had a picture of him and me.

i can't believe it..

2010-06-14T12:14:00.000-04:00

...I finally have both of my personal email accounts down to less than 15 emails each. Progress!

Now to start on my Things Way Overdue At Home list. Like washing my car. Washing the dishes. Scooping litter boxes. Mopping the floors. Cleaning off the front porch. Washing windows. Finishing laundry.

Things like that.

mindfulness in action

2010-06-14T09:57:00.001-04:00

Sunday I had to perform an upgrade of one of our business units payroll software. It is a system I provide data analysis, modifications, and support for my job. I had not done an upgrade in a long time and the software provider had changed the installation interface. Thursday and Friday I performed upgrade of both business units in our development site. This provided me with the opportunity to document the process to facilitate the production upgrade on Sunday.

Rather than boring you with a lot of little details, let's just say it was a very frustrating installation due to a number of different issues all coming together at the same time. Some were poor judgement on my part. Some were due to ignorance. Some to circumstances beyond my control.

It was an amazing experience. I learned, in a very real way, just how much control the mind has over the body and our physical reactions. This complete, consuming physical reaction was all due to my frustrations and fear about the task I was performing.

Frustration: Not moving as quickly as I'd like. Tired. Don't want to be working. Things aren't moving smoothly, lots of little quirks causing interruptions and delays. We had a workshop the previous morning and meditation Saturday night so I didn't feel like I was having a weekend at all.

Fear: This is the big one. I've missed something along the way and when I'm finished it won't work. I'll have to call someone to help me because I can't do it on my own. I'm not smart enough. I can't focus or concentrate as well because of my meds. What if I screw this up big time? What if I am a failure!?! What if people think less of me because I'm not smart enough.

To this, I had an extremely strong physical response.

Response: Stomach and jaws clenched tightly. Stiff neck. Hands shaking. Headache. Jaw ache for clenching so tightly. Nauseous. Heart pounding, panicky feeling. Extreme anxiety. No, off the freakin' charts anxiety.

So now, let's examine the what if's? The reality of the situation was that either I would be successful or not. I would either have the mental capacity to perform the upgrade or not. I would miss a step or not. All these things I had no control over. I did have control over being extremely careful and followed every step precisely. Which I did. I had a choice of taking a shower to go into the office and complete the upgrade -- or not have to take a shower and just keep working along. I chose to stay home.

As for the upgrade? I completed it successfully. Everything worked from the time of first launch to final testing.

But I still had the extreme physical reaction to the events outside of my control. Why? What did it really accomplish other than upset me horribly; physically and emotionally?

Even though the experience was exhausting, extremely frustrating, and stressful; I learned something from it. Well, in addition to the fact that next time I go into the office.

I have been feeling frustrated on another level in my personal life. I've been reading and studying the Buddhist texts and what they teach in regards to mindfulness, being completely aware of your mind/body connection at all times. This is extremely challenging, yet I find the practice to be very thought-provoking and worthwhile. However, it seems that the wrong view, wrong thoughts, wrong mind, and wrong speech are very, very strong in me. To a point I was becoming very disgusted in myself. Everywhere I look I see things I don't like about myself and it seemed there is no hope of my becoming a better person.

However, this extremely stressful situation was experienced in full awareness. Even while it was happening I realized all the points I listed above. Yet, I still had the physical experiences. This is progress. Before I would have just been stressed and not realized the impermanence, and my desire to control that which is beyond my control.

It appears what I am reading is filtering through and coming to the surface. What I have experienced thus far from my studies of Buddhism, have all been beneficial. This is something I can believe in, especially if it makes me a better person.

what do you dig?

2010-06-08T19:05:00.000-04:00

I got a new pair of earrings this weekend that I totally dig. I just had to share them with you here. I'm sure there's something you really like that is an expression of yourself. A friend of mine loves flip flops. It fits her. She's the easy-going, carefree type of person. Not sure what dangly earrings say about me. I was really disappointed when big earrings went out of fashion. I used to have a pair Troy called the "fishing lure". They were a pair of about 10 chain-strands grouped together that reached just below my shoulders. Big, interlooping earrings are another favorite, like the ones in the picture.

What do YOU dig?

It was a much-needed St Augustine weekend ...

2010-06-07T13:17:00.000-04:00

While a trip to my Mom's would have been ever better, it's a long drive to spend one day and drive home again. So we made the concession to drive to St Augustine Friday night after work, spend two days and drive back Sunday afternoon.

I won't talk about Friday night, after all I've already embarassed myself and posted about it on Facebook. :)

Saturday morning we headed to Silver Feather first. Troy got a new flute. Made of bamboo by a local flute-maker. Sounds really nice. He forgot his necklace when we drove up so we got him a new chain with a silver feather (seems appropriate, doesn't it?) that has turquoise running down the center of it. From there we hit an assortment of shops and I picked up a few dresses and a sleeveless light-colored shirt to replace the heavy, dark-colored t-shirt I was sweating in. We finally made it to the Lightner Museum before heading back to St. George street.

When we go to St. Augustine I've always made the concession that it's the one time I can smoke. We always go to Troy's favorite cigar shop and pick up a few cigars for him. (I got some empty cigar boxes while we were there to try and be crafty with!) I always get a pack of cigarettes to smoke with him while he has his cigar. The last time I smoked, some time ago, I was smoking Newports. Don't ask me why, but I suddenly liked the menthol taste. (Dontcha love this ad. "Welcome Aboard" Welcome aboard to what? Future lung cancer or other respiratory diseases??)

We went to Crucial Coffee (as we always do after a cigar purchase) and got our drinks with our respective cancer choices. We sat outside and shared an umbrella as it started to rain. Huddled together, puffing away like a bunch of teenagers. Okay, maybe not. Troy was more dignified while I was like a teen-ager afraid of getting caught and puffing away. One cigarette, two cigarettes, and I continued until Troy fnished his cigar.

We left and went to Columbia Restaurant, one of our favorites, for lunch. I had canneloni with lobster meat in a rich cream sauce. Troy had a combo platter that he enjoyed as well. We had two bottles of Vino Esmeralda (something else I never do, drink alcohol) and left feeling full and a little tipsy. We wandered the St George street before returning to the car to dump our latest purchases and head back to the hotel.

Once there, we laid down for a few minutes as my head had begun a slight pounding in the top of it. It began to ease off and once again I was craving a cigarette. I went outside the room to smoke it and was already feeling slightly queasy from the last cigarette I had. I finished it, went inside and promptly knelt in front of the Great Porcelain God we have all worshiped at one time in our lives for one reason or another. The funny thing is, I welcome puking because I know as soon as it's over I feel better. And I did! Well, except my headache was back and now threatening to burst through the top of my skull.

As I lay in bed reflecting on the event, I examined my smoking habit. I realize St Augustine and Troy's cigar are nothing but an excuse to imbibe in a much-missed habit. No matter how long you've quit, you crave it. But I realized something else I had not realized before. The obsessive-compulsive thing again. This time, it was the cigarettes.

When I have a cigarette it is like this flame inside of my that is always hungry for one more. Once I do have one, it's one after another, like I just can't stop unless I am some place that I cannot smoke. It's such a nasty and health-damaging habit. I know this, but it's so hard to fight.

Even after getting sick, I tried to go get another pack just so I could "have one" the next day. Troy, thank God, reigned me in and distracted me with shiny things, like jewelry at Silver Feather. :)

We left a little earlier than we normally do, but I was tired from the two days of walking. I really need to start walking at night and get into at least a little better shape than I currently am in. Something is better than nothing.

Now if only I could be OCD about walking like I can be about smoking...

something scary

2010-06-04T09:35:00.000-04:00

When I was a kid, I remember seeing a dramatic film in the 9th grade about the environment and where we are headed if we don't change our ways. That's how strongly it impacted me, I haven't forgotten it. One of the few things I remember. I'll never forget people having to wear gas masks to go outside because the air was so toxic. As I said, it was dramatic, an extreme, but I got the message.

That was around 1978-79. Can you imagine what our environment would be like now if we had listened and started practicing eco-responsibility then?

But here's what scares me. Really scares me. One of the points in the film were waterways that couldn't recover from pollution caused by man because we just keep dumping more pollution into it.

Fast-forward to today. In the Gulf. While the oceans have experienced natural oil leaks, we have to own this one. We caused it. Negligence or not, we caused this. And it's a big one. All attempts to cap this have failed to this point. We are now looking at a few months before they can build another rig and try to stop the leak.

Will the Gulf recover? Eventually. I have a frightening vision of the Gulf becoming "un-usable" to man in MY lifetime. My 9th grade film becoming a reality I thought couldn't possibly happen in my lifetime. No fishing. No beaches. Has anyone really given any thought to what would happen ecologically, socially, and economically if that region becomes contaminated? We are talking about contamination that could take beyond our children's lifetime to recover from.

This isn't a scare tactic or negativity. This is reality. We need to realize that with greater technology we have the ability to affect our natural world in staggering ways. We are not the peons we think we are that can't have an effect because we're so small; but an integral, interconnected piece of our planet. We can't ignore this because we believe it does not affect us directly. It still does. We ... are ... interconnected. Get it yet?

Is the Gulf the catastrophe we need to open our eyes to our capabilities for self-destruction or will it take another Hiroshima before we comprehend our ability to destroy our own race? I'd like to think we could get it now.

my friend

2010-06-01T12:32:00.000-04:00

A new song I really like. Words are important to me.

My Friend

by Groove Armada

Whenever I'm down

I call on you my friend

A helping hand you lend

In my time of need

Whenever I'm down

I call on you my friend

(I call on you my friend)

Listen..

Whenever I'm down

I call on you my friend

A helping hand you lend

In my time of need

Whenever I'm down

I call on you my friend

(I call on you my friend)

Whenever I'm down

And all that's going on

Is really going on

Just one of those days (and ju-h..)

You say the right things

To keep me moving on

To keep me going strong

(going strong)

Whenever I'm down

Ain't nobody

(body)

Ain't nobody

(body)

Whenever I'm down

I call on you my friend

A helping hand you lend

In my time of need

Whenever I'm down

I call on you my friend

(I call on you my friend)

Whenever I'm down

And all that's going on

Is really going on

Just one of those days (and ju-h..)

You say the right things

To keep me moving on

To keep me going strong

(going strong)

Whenever I'm down

I call on you my friend

A helping hand you lend

In my time of need

Whenever I'm down

I call on you my friend

(I call on you my friend)

(Whenever I'm down)

(I call on you...)

(Whenever I'm down)

(I call...)

Ain't nobody

(body)

Ain't nobody

(body)

Listen

Listen..

Remembering ...

2010-05-31T12:32:00.000-04:00

Memorial Day. Last day of May. The springboard into June and the combination of rain, humidity, and heat.

I'd like to take a moment to salute all who have served in the military, regardless of the country. I salute all warriors who have fought for a cause they believed in. I pay my respect to all who have sacrificed for their country, wherever that may be. Salute to Mike, Dave, & Michael!

Today is also my Mom's birthday. My Mom, my brother, and I were all born on or around major U.S. holidays. Isn't that kinda cool? I think so.

Rain has been forecast for the next week and the past two days have been nothing but cloudy skies and sporadic rain. I am grateful for the rain because we do need it. I am also grateful the thunder we have heard did not seem to escalate to anything serious and hopefully our neighbors escaped any serious weather.

I have filet mignon wrapped in bacon marinating in the fridge. Fresh corn-on-the-cob, baked potato, okra, and dinner rolls. Fresh Ghiradelli Double Chocolate muffins for breakfast this morning. A fruit and cheese tray for a small appetizer before dinner. Fear me for I am Betty Crocker today.

Hope your day is restful, peaceful, and filled with laughter.

I SALUTE

MILITARY PERSONNEL

& WARRIORS EVERYWHERE

~ PAST & PRESENT ~

it's always the first kiss...

2010-05-29T13:04:00.000-04:00

...that you never forget. Here is an example of what intrigues me about the poetry of Hafiz, a Sufi poet.

I am

A hole in a flute

That the Christ's breath moves through--

Listen to this

Music.

Shams-ud-din Muhammad Hafiz (c. 1320-1389) is a well-known, great Sufi poet. His poetry inspires the dervish dancers who spin in their magnificent skirts of red, yellow, black, or white with tall hats upon their heads; as well as those who dance silently within their souls.

i am an addict

2010-05-29T09:52:00.000-04:00

I have a confession to make. I am an addict. Yes, it's true. I am ready to come out and admit it. It is time to face the truth and stop running away from it. Many people around me have known for years, yet didn't want to confront me. Rightfully so, I think now. I probably would have just denied it, became angry, and just buried myself deeper into my addiction.

I'm trying to remember how old I was when I started. It's frightening to think it goes all the way back into childhood. I can remember now, sitting in the dark in my closet. Everyone else asleep but me and my secret.

Even my co-workers have started making comments. I guess I've done well to keep my addiction hidden for so long. Well, hidden from myself perhaps. Troy has tried to confront me about it, but like any addict, I would become belligerent and change the subject.

I wonder if my Mother shares any responsibility in my addiction. After all, she's my first memory associated with it. Lying in bed as a child, my Mother's soft voice as she shared a fantasy of some land or place far away. Sisters, dark and fair, who become lost but found their way home, together. I swear every time she opened that book about Winnie-the-Pooh, I could smell the honey coming from the pages of the book. I began to crave the smell of honey. I wanted more.

Sitting in the early morning light, my purchases from last night in front of me. I am ready to admit to myself. I have a very, very serious addiction. The last inventory I took, which was about five months ago, I had in my possession 856 books. In case you didn't get that, that was EIGHT-HUNDRED FIFTY-SIX BOOKS. Yeah, and my house isn't that big. I have books everywhere. Stuffed in cabinets and drawers and closets and shelves and stacks of them EVERYWHERE. Since January, I have probably bought another 15-20 more books. By year end I could clear 900.

Perhaps it is more a compulsion than an addiction? I know that I love books. Have been passionate about them since I was a small child and my Mom introduced me to the wonderful world of books and fantasy lands and places where Evil Is Always Overcome By Good. Where good people were always rewarded in the end. Where the wicked always got their due. Listening to her read to me each night is one childhood memory that has never gone away. I may not remember the stories or how they went, but I remember her soft voice reading me to sleep each night.

As I grew older and she no longer read me to sleep at night, I began to read myself to sleep. Most of my life I have read before I fall sleep each night. I always end up doing the head-nod thing where the book slaps me in the forehead a couple of times before I finally surrender to sleep and put the book away.

I finished ALL the Bernstein Bears, Dr Seuss, and Little Golden Books. My Aunt Nancy gave me a set of young girl detective books (before the Nancy Drew series) when I was a girl. I loved the Black Beauty and Black Stallion series. I read all the Little House On The Prairie books. I came in second place in a reading competition with another girl in 6th grade. (Which, for the record, her Mom was the teacher running the competition and I know she didn't really read all those books she said she did!)

I loved fantasy books and in my teens I dove into gothic- and Victorian-era romance. Anything with a strong woman who captured the heart of a roguish man and made him fall in love with her, THAT was MY kind of romance book.

From there I expanded into Horror. As most children do, I began with Poe, but quickly moved on to Stephen King, who became My God Of Horror; Dean Koontz, His Apprentice. Once all printed material by those authors had been read and they weren't publishing as quickly as I could read, I expanded into detective series such as James Patterson and Jonathan Kellerman. Absorbed each one of them and read them in order, one by one.

When I was younger I read of fantasy worlds and about other people living their lives. Then I grew into the adult world and found it filled with real horrors of war, torture, suffering, and death. Then, I began to question why. Trying to understand why things are the way they are. So I began with human puzzles in detective stories. Trying to understand human behavior. Why do people do what they do?

The books I am drawn to now are all spiritual, philosophical, and humanist-based. But they are also more about the inward journey than the outward. Instead of trying to understand why people do what they do, I am trying to understand why I do what I do. Once I understand that, then I may be able to better understand why others do what they do. I want to see the world around me as it truly is, yet still see the beauty beneath it all by understanding its true nature. I want to accept who I am and make peace with that. True understanding comes from within.

I've never really looked at the timeline linking my one life-long addiction, Books, to my personal developmental stages. I think it's kinda cool.

BUT! Like an addict, I'm changing the subject. It's not just about the content of the books. It's about their shape. Their weight. The musty smell the pages get when a book is old. The gentle touch of the pages as the years go by and the pages soften. The colors and textures of the covers and the method used to stitch or glue the book together. The font-type used in the book, the size and the spacing. How each author approaches a book. How chapters are titled and structured. I highlight my books when I read. I love to go back and re-read highlighted sections when I come across them again. I used to hate dog-earring a book page, but then realized, it's like a love-bite. A little mark left on the book that shows that someone loved it enough to want to return. Now, I lovingly dog-ear my book pages. Unless, it's a book of Poetry. That Is Not Meant To Be Dog-Eared.

I love everything there is to love about books. Even the books I find boring or don't finish reading. I still love them and will not throw them away. I will donate them. To throw them away, well, to me, that is like murder.

Each book I buy, I am honestly intrigued by the content I've examined. Each book I buy, I fully intend to read. There are so many books and I'm so afraid I'll miss one if I don't buy it when I find it, I won't find it again and that piece of information I sought will be lost to me forever. Wow. This is actually kinda deep free-flow writing. I bet a good psychotherapist or psychiatrist could have fun analyzing this. I'm sure my son will. LOL

So the question I ask you, dear reader, "is it an addiction or is it an obsessive compulsion?" What do you think? Please post and let me know which one you think it is, addiction or OCD. Even if it's just a funny comment, c'mon, let me know you're reading this stuff! :)

Oh - and this is awesome. Here's the math on the books I currently own.

- Inventory in January stated 856 books
- Let's say I've read 200 of them
- That leaves 656
- If I can read 3 books/month that's roughly 218 months
Which means it will take me 18 years, reading 3 books/month to read all the books I currently own!

Troy is going to kill me.

Have a lovely day!

----------

P.S. My second biggest addiction is writing. Imagine that. But when I free-flow write, like in this blog, I learn things about myself. If you don't write, you should give it a try too. A journal is a great place to start. Or you could start your own private blog online. (You can lock the blog down so no one can read it, or only certain people you authorize.)

Happy Friday!

2010-05-28T10:23:00.000-04:00

Our system is offline for a few minutes, so thought I'd write a short blog post. The past week has been a slight rollercoaster of feeling neutral to good. Underlying feeling of tension and fidgety. Those have passed and I'm feeling a little more relaxed. Maybe it's the long weekend that inspires me.

Am reading two books (and hopefully, I will stick with two books). The first is What the Buddha Taught and isn't necessarily an easy read. It's small print and I have to keep going back and re-reading sections before I can begin to grasp some of the concepts they discuss. The second book is, Zen Path Through Depression. I thought I'd try reading it now before I'm in a depressive spell and can't read. They are both books requiring deep thought, self-reflection and contemplation so it's not something you can rush through. I am enjoying them both very much.

I've also picked back up cross-stitch and embroidery. I haven't done embroidery since I was in my late teens, early twenties; cross-stitch maybe half that long ago. Counted cross-stitch is much easier. My eye sight is quite a challenge though and it's hard to see those teeny-tiny little holes anymore. That's with glasses!

No big plans for the Memorial Day week end. We'll be spending part of it on our roof evicting the Virginia Creeper vines our Tree Guy located for us. A little RoundUp and some pruning shears should take care of it. My Mom suggested bringing the lawn mower up. Haha. It's not quite that bad.

We have Troy's Pipe Ceremony tonight and meditation tomorrow night, but Sunday and Monday is ours! We'll probably spend Sunday on the roof and doing yard work. Monday, however, is reserved for absolutely, positively no commitments. Just a laid-back, easy day to relax. Hope yours is the same! (Well, except for the climbing on the roof part...)

System is back online, so back to work now! Have a beautiful day!

new link to monitor mood swings!

2010-05-22T13:37:00.000-04:00

I posted a new link to my blog page in the upper right corner. You can click on it to see how my mood swings are going. It's really cool because under the "Instant Mood" section, you can see progress of my mood swings on a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis. I just started the charting on May 5th, so obviously there isn't a lot of data right now. But there is an interesting trend when viewed on the monthly chart. Understand my rating system:

Very Bad: Hopeless, extremely low self-esteem, extreme sadness, pessimism, anger, and feelings of insignificance. Avoid people: family and friends. Minimal or no social and physical functioning.
Bad: Beginning to avoid people. Feelings of sadness and easily irritated. Loss of self-confidence. Low social and physical functioning.
Neutral: This means I am somewhat apathetic. Don't really feel myself, don't really feel happy, and don't really feel sad. Usually an indication that a depressive spell is coming on.
Good: This means I am feeling optimistic, more balanced, and more like the "self" I "feel" myself to be. Not necessarily an indicator of a manic spell occuring. Current studies state that a manic spell usually follows a depressive spell. It will be interesting to see what my data reflects.
Very Good: This means a hypomanic or manic cycle is occuring. Reading the notes will indicate if it is manic or hypomanic.

There will be blank spots where I am away from a computer or cannot rate. But I am dedicated to updating as much as possible as a tool for me, my doctor, my caregivers, my family, and my friends. You can click here to check it out: http://www.patientslikeme.com/members/view/wildfire2windsong.

Baby Bear had it right after all!

2010-05-22T04:03:00.000-04:00

I did the bad deed. I did the wrong thing. I made the mistake of lying down for "just a minute" and fell asleep early in the evening. Now I'm wide awake and it's 3 in the morning. It's gonna be a long day.

The thing that really sucks is it would be a great time to do laundry or housecleaning ... except it would really piss Troy and Steven off (rightfully so, I might add) if I woke them up just because *I* can't sleep. (Which, BTW, the image on the left is just for my sister. She's the one with pixie dust in her eyes. LOL)

The radio show went very well. You can go to: http://blogtalkradio.com/upliftouryouth and listen to the archived show, if you'd like. We are talking about doing a monthly spot now. The two ladies, the IJs (? Internet Jockeys ?) were so very easy to talk to and they laugh a lot, which can put anyone at ease. If I can laugh with someone, I can become very comfortable. The two ladies, BTW, are Bridgette and Shante. :) They have attended our meditation practice group before.

I was a little worried before the day of the show because I had a slight dip into depression. All together it lasted about 7 days with a varying degree of severity. The worse of it was only about 2 days. I was concerned I would still feel that way when it was time for the show. Fortunately, it began to lift the day before the show and by the time of my phone call I was feeling more like the person I envision myself as. Not uber-happy. Not depressed and sad. Just right, as Baby Bear declared, just right!

Today, of course, is dedicated to our meditation group. Troy is stronger than me and got himself up at some point. I felt him come to bed around 2 or so. I assume he was up searching the 'net, trying to find the perfect piece of music for tonight's meditation group. He only has to come up with his 6 PM piece. We already have the music selected for our 8 PM group.

Well, I guess I can use this energy and catch up on some emails I am behind in. Have a Beautiful Day

Break a leg! That's show biz talk, ya know...

2010-05-20T12:00:00.000-04:00

Was reading some material on bipolar disorder and cannot help but get slightly anxious when I read it. I've read reputable sources (NIMH, DMDA, and PsychCentral) that all state, rapid cycling is the hardest to treat. I also read the "average" bipolar can have 8 to 9 episodes in a lifetime. I think I've well exceeded that number by now. I found a new tool that is really great and helping me chart my moods. It's also great because it gives me a print-out I can take to my doctor to give him a better picture of how I'm doing.
If you'd like to check it out: http://www.patientslikeme.com/members/view/wildfire2windsong

If you check it out, there is an "Instant Mood" map that allows me to chart how I'm feeling throughout the day. This is also good to document the rapid cycling within one day. My latest depressive episode started while I was with family weekend before last. It didn't quite hit me full force until a couple of days ago. I had a few days of hell, woke up this morning and suddenly feel better. I feel like this huge, dark, nasty, dirty load I was carrying finally washed off.

In other news, today is the day we'll be on the internet radio station. Since it's at 6 PM, I'm not sure if Troy will be able to make it, but I hope he can. We decided to do the call from the office since it's less noise (birds squawking, cats meowing). Since I work in a closed area, it's pretty quiet come 6 o'clock.

If you'd like to listen go to: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/upliftouryouth

It starts at 6 PM. If you can't listen then, but would like to, the show will be archived so you can listen to it at your convenience. You can also call the show between 6-7 PM if you'd like to ask questions or talk about your personal practice and how it's helped you. The number is 917.889.7423.

Uh-oh, on the radio, ray-de-oh, ray-do-oh

2010-05-17T09:18:00.000-04:00

I wish I could remember who sang that song so I could tell people who question the title. It's not uh-oh, it's exciting...and a little scary too!

Troy and I have been invited to be on a blog talk radio show. It's internet radio, not your normal, every day radio over your car speakers or your boom box. The only way you can listen to it is over the internet.

We have been invited to talk about meditation. You know that is my passion and what I believe can change our world. When Ghandi said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world", he speaks of changing ourselves. The way to change ourselves is to see ourselves as we truly are. The only way we can see ourselves as we truly are is by getting quiet and being still. When we are not distracted by our activities or our mind's chatter, then we can see reality as it truly is. Less the distractions, less the confusion, less chaos.

Before I go on and on about meditation, below is the address for the talk show. It's this Thursday, May 20th from 6-7 PM. If you'd like to listen but can't at that time, the show will be archived and can be played at your convenience. There is also a phone number you can call in with questions from 6-7 PM, or if you'd like to comment about meditation and it's influence in your life.

Sorry, it's not a toll-free number: 917.889.7423

Here's the web address to listen to the show: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/profile.aspx?userurl=upliftouryouth

Grandfather Oak Tree, may he live in pieces

2010-05-16T11:52:00.001-04:00

As mentioned in my previous blog post, while we were gone one of the large branches fell from our 55+ year old Oak tree in our front yard. This tree stands about 40-feet high and it's trunk is about 3-1/2 feet thick. The branch that broke off reached from a few feet into our yard and crossed a two lane road into the yard opposite ours. Our son was gone to work and we were 400 miles away, so our neighbors came out and cut away a section of the branch so at least one car could get through at a time. The next morning Steven called the city and 30 minutes after arriving they had the branch cut up and carried away.

For over a year I have carried a business card for a tree service company that stopped by my house one day and left their card with me. The thought of removing that tree wasn't even a possibility in my mind. I love that old tree.

I pulled out the card, amazed to find I still had it, and called the owner, Jason. He met me that evening and agreed the tree needed to come down. There was a large branch hanging over our home that reached halfway across the roof. If it fell it would be devastating. We agreed to a price and he began cutting Friday afternoon.

I was (and still am) heartbroken we lost our tree. He offered us beautiful shade and protection from sun and rain for the 20 years we've lived here. We could sit on our front porch, almost hidden by the canopy of leaves in the spring and summer, and watch squirrels play on the tree. We had four feeders for the squirrels and would love watching them dart in and out of the feeders grabbing a bite to eat. Blue jays, crows, starlings, pigeons, doves, woodpecker, and hawk have all passed through our tree and visited our feeders or the ground beneath them.

Now all that remains is a very large stump cut close to the ground and memories. Being at the farm and then experiencing this with the tree teaches me the things we hold closest and dearest to us are things we must appreciate each moment we are with it. At some point during our 20+ year relationship, Grandfather Oak planted a baby spirit tree in me. It lives within me and I feel it stronger now that he has changed shape. When I was a child my family planted a seed in me that has grown into a reverance and respect for that piece of land above all other. That land says Family.

I spent a couple of days crying and, as my friend Bob says, obsessing, over the loss of the tree. "It's a grieving process I'm going through", I assured him. But he was right, I was also obsessing. Bob is really good at spotting it in me and I appreciate when he helps me see it too. He helps keep me out of trouble at work. Most of the time.

I wrote a friend who wrote his friends and they made wonderful suggestions for appropriate ways to honor our tree and show our gratitude. I finally settled for a heart hug. I have found the "heart hug" to be the most healing hug of all. It is when you allow your heart to touch the heart of the person you are hugging. In order to do so, it requires full trust and openness to the other. When I gave a heart hug to Grandfather Tree, he let me feel how very, very tired he was. I realized, he was ready to go and so now I had to be ready also. I poured my love and gratitude into my heart and sent it into him, hoping to touch him in his slumber.

Jason and his crew were amazing artists to watch as they transformed our beloved tree into a stump. It seemed appropriate to watch something so beautiful be cut so gracefully, so balanced. They were so considerate about our special request for pieces we wished to save. They carefully cut them, preserving them as much as possible for our desired uses. A 6" thick by 3-ft wide flat piece for a table top. An 18" long thick branch to be used by Troy for a water drum. Odd and end pieces to be used in arts and crafts and other ways.

Grandfather Oak did not die. He continues to live on. Nothing dies. Everything just changes shape and form.

Trees

I THINK that I shall never see

A poem lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest

Against the sweet earth's flowing breast;

A tree that looks at God all day,

And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in summer wear

A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;

Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me,

But only God can make a tree.

Joyce Kilmer. 1886–1918

you know when you are home

2010-05-16T10:44:00.000-04:00

A lot has happened since I last wrote. Might want to get comfortable. This may be a long one. A very good one. But a long one. Hope you'll grab a cup of coffee or a soda pop and join me for a bit. (See ya later, to those that can't stay. Like my ADD friend. You know who you are. LOL)

I last left off with my anticipation about our upcoming trip to see my Mom and family for her birthday celebration. What a weekend that was to be!

Our drive was uneventful and we arrived around 8 PM. Around 11 PM (10 PM their time) Steven calls to tell us he arrived home to find a huge tree branch lying from our yard and extending out into the street. It completely blocked both lanes of the road. My heart sunk. I could just see us having to re-load everything and drive back home to deal with this. Fortunately, the city came and removed the entire branch, including what was in our yard. We were most appreciative to hear our tax dollars were at work. We were now able to enjoy our weekend with my family without worry. (I later learned our neighbors came out and trimmed the end of the branch off enough that people could drive through one lane past the tree. Steven was at work when it happened so they took care of it for us. We have good neighbors.)

We spent Friday in a whirlwind cleaning the house, cooking, moving Rubbermaid tubs (my Mom has a zillion of them!), and, my most favorite thing in the world ... mowing! I'm not kidding. I really and truly love mowing the lawn. Doesn't matter if it's a push mower or a riding mower. I love two things about mowing the lawn.

First, the smell reminds me of summers at my Grandparent's farm. My Grandfather baling hay. The sweet smell of sun-dried grass. Every time I smell cut grass I can relax into the love and happiness those memories bring.

The second thing I love about mowing the lawn is it fits my perfectionist trait, if you'll pardon the pun, perfectly! I love to watch as the wild and unkempt is conquered and made uniform. I guess it's the conformist in me really coming out, huh?

Late afternoon Friday, my sister, Crystal, arrived with her two sons, James and Joshua. Whenever my sister arrives there is always life and laughter in the room. She is an amazing woman, sister, and friend. She's never lost her childhood innocence and purity of thought. I guess my step-father is right, she has pixie dust (Disney trademark) in her eyes. I hope she never, ever has a single piece of it removed. She makes me laugh more in the span of five minutes than anyone else I know can.

Friday became Saturday and my mood began to slip. I hate when it happens and I'm surrounded by people because all I want to do is be left alone and all family wants to do is be together. It's like the nerve-endings in my body begin to slowly rise to the surface and the more noise and activity that is around me the more quickly they come to the surface until everything irritates and annoys. I try to escape at this point without being obvious. I hate, I hate, I hate when I feel that way when I'm around people.

Eventually, I escaped to the back deck and was able to sit and meditate for about 30 minutes. Once I was able to tune out the sounds coming from inside the house and focus on my own internal emotional and thought process I was able to make those nerve endings sink back beneath the surface of my skin. I still had to keep tight control on my irritability because it was always riding close as well. My fuse was shorter than I would have liked for being around family.

I remember my Father not being able to handle a lot of noise and activity or his "nerves" would bother him. As children we had to be quiet around him, especially when he was feeling nervous. Now I understand what he was going through. I learn more and more how much I am my Father's daughter. My poor Dad musta been double whammied by me. When I was a kid I suspect I had manic episodes and I'm sure at least one of those coincided with my Dad's sensitive times. That had to have made things worse for him -- and in turn for everyone else in the family as well.

Eventually, later that evening my mood began to lift some, but never quite made it to where I would have liked it. My medication began to kick in early in the evening and by 10 PM, I was feeling light-headed and sleepy, so I went to bed. It was the night I had dreamed of, Fire Pit Night with family circled around and a table covered with marshmallows, graham crackers and Hershey's Chocolate. Here I was going to bed. To say it was a disappointment would be a major understatement.

Sunday morning I woke feeling better, as if everything the day before was in a fog and my brain had been reset. (This is actually known as rapid-cycling, one of the hardest to treat.)

Before Crystal, James, and Josh left, we gathered, as my step-father Mike was fond of saying, "all his kids at the bottom of the pond", for pictures. Crystal, James, Josh, and I stayed behind to sign our names to the water pole in the center of the pond. We thought it turned out fairly well. Seaman/Hill graffiti. You can see the pictures by clicking here.

Let me be very clear about what I am sharing here. I looked forward to seeing my family and enjoyed every single minute we spent together. I do not regret any moment of our time together. This is not about my family. It's about me. It's how things affect me. My family is very affectionate, chaotic, and loving -- as most are. It's my inability to handle the intensity sometimes that drives me (and sometimes, them) away. Emotionally, I am unable to process it comfortably. That is one reason bipolar disorder is called a mood disorder. We have an inability to process emotions and moods like most other people do. We feel things in extremes. What might be a minor annoyance to you is an extreme pain to me. It's not something I am proud of and I feel ashamed when I act that way. That is why I think I struggle with it even more. I know it. I identify it. But I cannot control it. I feel like a zombie controlled by something else. I hate it and so when I feel it that hatred seeps through and taints everything around me with tension, anxiety, fear, and paranoia.

Dave and Monika left shortly after Crystal and the boys did. Everything got quiet and I was able to fully relax again. I began to feel more like the "real" me that I wish everyone could see all of the time.

Troy and I took a walk around the property dreaming of the day when we can move there. Talking about where we wish to place our home. Things we'll grow, the animals we'll keep. Snakes and other creepy crawlies that owned this piece of land before we did and in our absence owns it once again. We came across a huge gopher tortoise burrow. It went about 4 feet back before making a sharp left turn. My Mom said my Grandfather had tried to dig one's burrow up once and finally gave up. I guess that's one of the reasons they live to be so big.

We strolled around the land. We looked at the murky water at the corner of the property where the cows come to drink. In my mind, all I could see were water moccasins and my unprotected legs. Walking through the brush underneath the canopy of trees a branch brushed against the back of my ankle and my heart almost leapt from chest in fear. We saw deer tracks crossing one end of the pasture and raccoon tracks crossing the driveway.

We walked the cut-through our family has renamed, rightfully so, "Matzen Lane". Family history is that the land was taken from our family and a cut-through was put in. The county named the cut through "Coy Ellis Road", but this is the only time you'll hear me call it that. As far as I'm concerned, it's Matzen Lane. God Bless America...and all her immigrants, too! (Belief is it was taken from our family because my great-grandparents were German. Around the time of WW2, not many white folks trusted Germans in that part of Florida.)

Walking the land reminded me of childhood summers spent walking around the pasture, playing, running, riding our imaginary horses. My Grandfather wouldn't get a horse because, "they don't do nothin' but eat and have to be taken care of". Cows and pigs, those you can eat. I believe businessmen today call that "ROI" - return on investment. My Grandfather is a wise man.

By the end of our visit, I was feeling more relaxed than I have felt ... well, I honestly can't tell you the last time I felt that relaxed. That natural. I felt like I was home. I was where I was supposed to be doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. All the meditation. All the books I've read. I was actually doing all of it. Right then. I was completely and totally ... in ... the ... NOW. I had no thoughts of future or past. I existed only in the moment of bright sunshine, the sweet smell of grass. The songs of birds all around me. The soft sigh of the trees as the wind blew through their leaves. THAT is what GOING HOME means. When you are loved and accepted, exactly as you are. When you know you are loved and are comfortable enough to allow all of your defenses down, to be who you really are, THEN, you KNOW you are HOME.

Since that visit, I have finally been able to release a lot of guilt, shame, and feelings inside for many, many years that I had not been able to express. I was able to do so while I was there and since coming home. Three people who mean very much to me. My soul feels at peace. I feel as if I have finally come home.

I am so grateful for I am so very, very blessed. I love my family. Each and every one.

excited

2010-05-04T11:26:00.000-04:00

This week end we will be enjoying a family celebration at my Mom's place in the panhandle. It will be the first time we've all gotten together in a long time...and especially everyone sleeping under the same roof! Don't know when that will happen again, so this is a rare opportunity to savor every moment of family time.

Troy and I will be driving up on Thursday after my 8 AM doctor appointment. Steven will be staying home to watch the homestead and keep animals fed and watered during our absence. It's about a 7-hour drive, so we should get in sometime that evening. Our Friday will be spent running errands and preparing for the big celebration day on Saturday!

Mom got a fire pit and I'm really looking forward to spending time sitting around the fire pit, talking, and having a good time. Hopefully mosquitos won't be too bad. I'm bringing some bug spray and citronella incense I bought. Haven't seen the incense be too successful (as I expected), but hey, it's a great way to burn it all up without throwing it away. I feel so bad now when I throw away something that could be used by someone else. Though, not sure about the incense being used by someone else. Not sure I could even give it away! LOL

Saturday will be our big celebration. We have some surprises in store, but can't mention them here because at least my Mom reads my blog! LOL

Sunday will be a Mother's day celebration (she's really making out this year!). Birthday on Saturday, Mom's day on Sunday. It's almost like my birthday - a holiday and birthday back-to-back!

Monday, Troy and I will be headed back to Orlando. That drive really sucks because it's S-E-V-E-N hours that feels more like E-I-G-H-T because we have to give back the hour we lost when we drove up to the panhandle.

BUT a family gathering filled with laughter and love is well worth the L-O-N-G drive!

it's just life ...

2010-05-03T18:08:00.000-04:00

I was watching the Rosie O'Donnell special where they had an ocean cruise that the liner was dedicated to serving gay/lesbian couples and families. I've seen it before, yet I am always compelled to watch it again when I come across it. I am always so impressed by the amount of love you see expressed by the couples to one another, but also to their children. There is all this concern about the children being "made gay" because they have gay parents. Yet their children all appear to be heterosexual.

We have so many things to worry about in this world and in each of our own personal lives, why do we get caught up in so much hatred, fear, and anger toward people who express themselves sexually differently than we do? It was horrifying to watch a Christian group that boycotted them when they came off the ship by yelling hateful and hurtful things at them and their children. How sad that people can pervert religion to that point.

Another thing it made me think. Maybe there really are a lot more mentally ill people in the world than we realize. They hide behind the fervor and disguise of religion or politics or any other position of power. Something to think about.

On to another topic that has given me pause. Has anyone else walked outside and stood in the sun lately? I've never felt the rays of the sun so strongly on my skin before. Maybe it's an aging thing. I hope so, because other thoughts that creep into my mind are frightening.

I was watching a couple of shows in History channel. One was about 2012 and the other on Nostradamos prophecies for the "end of times". On one hand, it is exciting to consider the possibility that we could all be witness to an amazing, yet radical, change in humanity. The increase in earthquakes. Volcanoes spewing ash high into our atmosphere that is traveling around our globe. Something we forget is the ash is on our side of the ozone layer. Only some of it escapes and over a long period of time, relatively speaking in human terms.

Now this disaster in the gulf. You know, that place that Crist assured Floridians was safe to drill? Yeah, that one. It is so sickening to consider the loss of innocent wildlife, animals that will be wounded or die slow, painful deaths. All because of our need for MORE OIL. WHAT is wrong with us? I refuse to watch TV or read the news online because I cannot take the bombardment of death, destruction, and chaos I see when I do look.

I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I don't believe in doomsday prophecy. I don't believe in Armageddon or "end times". I do believe that we have almost exhausted our natural resources because of our own greed. I do believe it is going to mean a massive shift in our attitudes and quickly, or things are going to get bumpy.

I can't help but feel little twinges of fear when I hear what is happening "out there". However, I refuse to live each day in fear of what may come that day. I can only deal with each moment as it comes. Does that mean I do nothing? No. What it means is, I hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Time to pick up skills that came almost naturally for my grandparents. Time to become frugal. Time to make a Plan B.

It's kind of funny, and slightly worrisome if I think about it too much. I remember back in the 70s when my Dad became convinced there was going to be a nuclear attack. I remember him storing huge cans of mixed vegetables and other staples in our food closet in preparation. He had cash stashed and kept his weapons clean and fully stocked. He was a man prepared to defend his family.

Could what is happening now be, what my Dad feared finally coming closer to fruition? Or is it what I've inherited from him? You know, it's really hard for me to discern between the two. Perhaps that should be frightening, but it isn't.

It's just life.

Quick update ...

2010-04-28T23:03:00.000-04:00

It's late and I really need to be in bed, so a quick update.

Still hypomanic. Hoping it's just that the meds will take time to work. See doctor next Thursday before we drive out of town for the weekend to have fun with family.

Putting everyone on notice: My BFF (he'll love seeing that LOL) asked me tonight if I would mind talking to someone else who is bipolar. Just so everyone knows, if anyone ever wants to talk to me or ask questions about bipolar, please, send 'em my way. It's the only way we can help each other is if we share about how it impacts our lives and how we cope. That can't be read in a book or taught in a class. It is only something those of us who walk this path, know and fully understand. I have learned a lot about myself and how I manage my illness. If I can possibly share one thing that will help another, then I am more than willing to do it. After all, who else do you know that has a flyer that states, "Ending Stigmatism. Putting a face on mental illness" with my great big grinning face above the text. As my BFF says, I am way out of the closet on this one! LOL

Have an appointment with pulmonologist tomorrow. I sound so pathetic sometimes with all the health stuff, but such is life. Hopefully we can do something to help with my breathing. I had a nightmare the other night when I was wheezing really bad as I fell asleep. In my nightmare my lungs closed up completely and I couldn't draw a breath. I mean it when I say, it was a nightmare. It frightened me so much I called the doctor the next morning. Sometimes, I just need a little motivation reminder...

G'night all. Omitofo

saw this on Facebook

2010-04-25T22:54:00.000-04:00

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3 kg. The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink twice as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. The woman has read this entire text. The man is still looking at his thumb.

Doctor follow-up - more drugs

2010-04-22T09:32:00.001-04:00

I saw my favorite doctor yesterday. I'm still having hypomanic symptoms so we increased the Geodon another 80 to 160 mg daily and the Lamictal was increased from 200 to 300 mg daily. At the end of my visit I looked at Dr Chacko and asked him, "What do I have?" The look on his face was priceless. I couldn't decide if it was dumbfounded or thinking he may not have heard me correctly.

I know I have bipolar disorder and was fairly certain it was Bipolar I; however, I've been reading material about rapid cycling and mixed episode. It seemed like I have symptoms of both when I read the descriptions and couldn't decide which one, if any, applied. The thought I could have both never entered my mind.

He told me I have classic Bipolar I with rapid cycling and mixed episodes over the past year. I asked him if it's possible the symptoms have always been there but I wasn't aware of them. My meditation practice over the past three years, and especially the Vipassana course, have brought me into more awareness of myself and my mood changes. He said that was possible.

On the drive home from the doctor office I called my Mom and told her what the doctor had said. I asked her about my childhood and if I displayed symptoms then. Way back then, absolutely nothing was none about bipolar disorder, especially in children. I remember very little of my childhood but have more like "glimpses" into the past. I remember frequently getting into trouble for being too "hyper" and I can remember times of absolute depression and wishing I were dead. As a child I didn't realize this were suicidal thoughts. I just thought I was such a bad person that I wished I could just die. Fortunately, as a child, the thought of killing myself never occured to me. I just prayed for death.

Some may think I am obsessing about my illness, but it's really not that. It's like I'm suddenly learning about myself instead of just surviving. My illness is another thing I've never really researched or fully understood. Sure, I've read pamphlets and a book shortly after I was diagnosed but it still wasn't enough to help me understand completely what I was experiencing were symptoms of the disorder. Even as an adult, I have believed it's because I "just wasn't good enough". Something my doctor told me during my previous session when I told him I felt horrible about the thoughts I have sometimes because they truly aren't who I am and he said, "You can't help it, it's the illness that causes you to act this way. It is not a reflection of who the real person is inside."

Those simple words were like someone had thrown a life jacket to me in the huge ocean of self-hate. I have always regreted my behavior, my harsh words, my selfishness, being self-absorbed and seeing the world only through my eyes and how it directly affects me. So much I regret doing when I know, deep down, it's not the person I strive to be, I want to be, I am. Because sometimes, when I feel more "normal", the characteristics I embrace do come out.

So, understanding is the first step. Awarness is the second. What's the third?

Oh and a quick mention of the two women who work in Dr Chacko's office. I love them. They are so kind and caring. They laugh so freely when I make jokes and their laughter warms my heart. I am so blessed and so grateful to have the doctor I have. He literally saves my life every day.

my life is a song

2010-04-19T23:18:00.000-04:00

Something I will forever be grateful for is the love and appreciation for music my father taught me. Not a perfect or refined knowledge of musical notes; but a passion, almost an addiction, to the way it makes you feel. Those songs that touch you deep down inside; that make you cry, smile, scream or long for something more. That song you hear for the first time that says everything, in that moment, perfectly. This, is one of those songs...

I'll try to make the sunshine brighter for you

I will even play the fool if it makes you smile

I'll try to make you laugh if there's a tear in your eye

After all is said

After all is done

I'll do anything for you.

Come with me, close your eyes

Hold my hands, it'll be alright

Don't be scared, don't be shy

Lift your head it's gonna be alright.

I'll try to make the star shine brighter for you

And I'll take you on my shoulders, hold you way up high

I'll even chase the rainbow hanging in the sky

Cos after all is said

After all is done

I'll do anything for you

Come with me, close your eyes

Hold my hand, it'll be alright

Don't be scared, don't be shy

Lift your head it's gonna be alright

Through the eyes of innocence

You will find, you will see

There'll come a time it all makes sense

And you won't know, but it will show inside, deep inside

Come with me, close your eyes

Hold my hand, it'll be alright

Don't be scared, don't be shy

Lift your head it's gonna be alright

I'll try to make the days last longer for you

From the daybreak, 'til the sunset, 'til the end of time

I'll keep you safe, away from the heartache

Cos when all is said

And when all is done

I'd do anything for you

Come with me, close your eyes

Hold my hand, it'll be alright

Don't be scared, don't be shy

Lift your head it's gonna be alright.

-- Come With Me by Phil Collins

alive and kicking

2010-04-18T22:47:00.000-04:00

Now that song is running through my mind. So I've posted it below so it can run through your mind too. You can listen to it while you read this post, if you'd like.

The past week has been quite the rollercoaster. I seem to be maintaining a little more of an even mood the past day or so although I still have those obsessive twinges that I have to work at releasing. Meditation and my study of dhamma has definitely helped me deal with the things I am experiencing right now. Just the fact that I can sit and meditate again tells me I'm making progress. Since I've been on the new med about three weeks, maybe that is how long it took for it to start working. I see the doctor again on Thursday for a follow-up.

Had an extremely interesting experience with an older woman on Friday at Spiral Circle. She noticed the flyer I had just posted on the wall about the NAMI Walk and asked about it. What I thought was someone interested in the walk was actually someone interested in explaining to me how I have been brainwashed by doctors and the government that I have this illness so they can control me. Thank goodness for meditation! I was able to realize I was losing my temper before I lost it and was able to get quiet and center and not argue with her. Instead, I once again, stopped and listened.

First of all, I'm not a huge conspiracy theorist. I don't believe in pre-destiny and am a stronger believer in free will. She suggested I watch a video she had just posted on her blog from a PROFESSOR who would explain everything to me and help me to see. I asked her, "So, I'm not supposed to trust my doctor, but I'm supposed to trust some guy with the title "Professor" that is on YouTube? I walked away from the experience realizing she was only there to remind me of why we walk. All communities, even the most "enlightened" suffer from misunderstanding and stigma related to mental illnesses.

I was pretty brave. I created a flyer with my face on it and below reads the caption: "Eliminating stigma. Putting a face on mental illness." Yeeeaaahhh. Like wearing the bipolar t-shirt in public, it's scary as HELL. I can just imagine the comments being made about the photo; especially considering I was manic when it was taken and have one of my famouse "The Joker" smiles on. I hate the idea of being labeled before people meet me, but it's the only way I know for people to understand not all the crazies, act crazy. Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm not supposed to call us crazy. I've been lectured that it is demeaning and just perpetuates the image we are trying to move away from.

We can't ignore the fact that some of us do act like we're crazy. I think the image of me being chased by guys with butterfly nets is pretty humorous. Thank goodness it isn't real, but it is funny. We have got to be able to laugh at ourselves and let others laugh too. The real issue is not what we are called. The issue is that people don't realize that some of us are functioning members of society because all they see and hear about are the ones who are unmedicated and act out. If those of us who are brave enough can be the first to step out and admit our illness to family, friends, and co-workers; then, we can begin to change the image and the words used to describe us. But as long as we hide and no one can see what a difference the right medical care and medication can do, the mentally ill will continue to live in the dark, forgotten and avoided.

I've had a ZILLION nudges to start writing my book. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable because I wasn't working on it. So I pulled out my big notebook that contains notes for a future meditation class and flipped to the back to start making notes and writing The Book. Imagine a surprise when I turned to the "new" section and found that I had already started listing chapters. I honestly do not remember doing that. So, that got me started. I spent about 4-1/2 hours writing the outline and first chapter to my book. I am at 2,000 words for the first chapter and am still working on it. This could take a while.

I do have eleven chapters outlined, but they are in a state of flux. As I write and review the outline, pieces keep shifting and moving. Some to other chapters, others to create another chapter. I did a search on the Internet and found the suggestion of 1,700 words per chapter for a 10 chapter book. Sounds like I'm doing pretty good on word count for Chatper 1. However, as I wrote it I paid no attention to word count. The story just flows and I just type. Sometimes, I don't even see the screen.

I'm very hopeful that this will pan out for me. If we can just pay off our home and our cars, then we could work part time jobs and dedicate ourselves full time to leading meditation circles and teaching meditation to anyone who wishes to learn. We could stay true to our initial mission which is to never charge for anything we offer in service to others. I believe accepting money for sharing one's gifts is a slippery slope I do not wish to find myself on. If I am supposed to do this full-time, then the way will open for us to do so. Until then, we just keep plugging away at it.

I was going to fast for 5 days to see if it would have an impact on my journey Wednesday evening. I made it to the end of day 2. I was getting ready to go to bed and went to post on Facebook that all I could think about was food so I was going to bed to keep from eating. In the post, I mentioned cookies and milk. Shortly afterwards I was standing in the kitchen with a half-eaten Oreo in my hand. So much for fasting for 5 days.

you KNOW you can trust ME riiiggghhhttttt.......?

2010-04-14T20:52:00.000-04:00

Steven was telling me about a support group he attended and how tragic some of the stories were that he heard there. As I listened to him the thought crossed my mind, "I wonder how many of those were exaggerated stories for pity?" Just when I thought I had finally earned my Compassion badge ...

I realize how I have been taught all my life DON'T TRUST - YOU WILL ONLY GET HURT! Of course, I have had that point proven in my life time and time again. Today, I realize, it is not the point of getting hurt. It's the point of expecting people to not make mistakes and then being disappointed when they do. It's expecting a specific outcome then being angry or annoyed or dismayed when it doesn't happen the way I had envisioned it happening.

It is so sad that we have lost sight of the fact that sometimes people hurt us or betray our trust and they really and truly don't mean to. That sometimes that horribly tragic life story you just heard actually COULD be a true story. Would you want to turn a deaf ear to the one that it's a truth because of the nine before that lied?

W e h a v e t o l e a r n

t o t r u s t a g a i n . . .

sometimes we see ourselves in others ... and it's not pretty ...

2010-04-14T20:32:00.000-04:00

I had an interesting experience in a class last week. There was a gentleman there who dominated most of the class with his own discussion. Always up for a good discussion, at first, I joined in. After a short time I realized he was not looking for discussion but only wished to speak. So I got quiet.

For me, that usually means I'm pissed. (Troy will nod his head in agreement when he reads that, I am certain.) But not this time. Okay, I'll admit it. Maybe I was just a little *piqued*. So I got quiet. But this time, I listened. I sat and listened to what he was saying without preparing my response in my head as he spoke. (How many of us are guilty of that? Uh, all of us!)

I emptied my mind and listened to what he was saying. After some time I realized he was talking in circles and wasn't really making any valid points that I could see or understand. I also came to understand that he truly wasn't interested in discussion. He appeared to be more interested in talking about what he knew and had read. I realized he was not here to learn what the material was about, but to debate it against everything he knew to that point in his life.

Once I came to this realization, I was no longer annoyed. It was also an extremely humbling experience because I saw myself in him. Am I the only person who is still getting to know who I really am?

the Greatest Purse ... Ever

2010-04-14T00:45:00.000-04:00

i hate this whole ping-pong thing i have going on. felt melancholy most of the morning which turned into what felt like a depression by late afternoon. i was a complete and total bummer at lunch today. just couldn't seem to find the energy to laugh. nothing seemed funny. everything was turning gray.

my entire body felt tired. i felt tired. i just wanted to cry. i felt hopeless. i felt worthless. i felt like there is just no point in going on. thoughts of suicide flitted through my mind. i came home to an empty house, sat at the dining room table, and just stared into space, feeling apathetic.

an hour later troy arrived home. i always hate greeting him at the door with my "i'm sinking" look. as always, he takes it in stride. listens to me when i want to speak. gently encourages. reminds me of things i forget. like that he loves me and i'll be okay.

a couple of hours after that steven had me laughing at a story he was relaying to me. a good belly laugh. it seemed to lift my spirits a little. (i've heard a rumor that laughter can lift your spirits, even when you don't mean it.) troy and i continued joking and laughing while we ran to joann's where i got the t-shirt markers and cardboard i needed for my t-shirt project.

a little background info for the next confession. i have a purse fetish. unlike women with shoe fetishes who buy lots of them, i do not buy lots of purses to match different outfits. my fetish is much more unusual. i search and search until i find the "perfect" purse. it has all the features my current purse is lacking or lacks the features i find frustrating with my current purse. once said new purse has been procured, i would dump everything out of my old purse and into my new purse right there at the cashier's counter if troy didn't stop me. that's how weird i get about purses.

but i don't change purses. i use the same one every single day, every single outfit, every single occasion. (okay, small lie. i did change purses when i accompanied steven for his court appointment.) as i use it i will begin to take note of the small "defects". things that just don't work for me. "the sides are too saggy, things keep falling out" or "the sides are too stiff, it's not flexible enough" or "there's no pocket to put my keys in that they don't fall out" or "there's no pocket that will hold my iPhone snugly without it falling out" or "there's no zipper on the top of the bag and i'm afraid things are going to fall out" or... i think you get the picture. i find defects until ... it is time to find the next in Greatest Purses Ever.

i told you all of that to tell you this. tonight, i procured the latest in Greatest Purses Ever. it gets top scores for being yellow! so between the outing for the markers and finally finding the right purse, i was feeling a little more upbeat.

of course, as soon as i got home i HAD to do the t-shirt and so i did. and now it's 12:30 in the AM and i am still awake. *sigh* maybe i should skip meditation in the morning and get an extra hour sleep? i hate skipping meditation though!! but at the same time, i feel wide awake.

some days i really hate being me more than others. this was one of those days.

i am not like the other people in your life.

2010-04-13T16:50:00.000-04:00

i can't get over it, mellow out, learn to live with it, take a chill pill, calm down, deal with it, or change the way you want me to change. it takes a huge amount of will just to survive this illness. mania takes away my reasoning. depression makes my life pointless.

if you tell me to change my behavior when i'm in a mood swing, i won't believe that i can, or even hear you. my brain is telling me something different than you're telling me. people with bipolar disorder have a civil war going on in their brains--this war is between the real person and the ill person. and sometimes the ill person wins.

but i am here and i want to listen to you. learn as much as you can about this illness and then ask me questions. then we can communicate better.

our relationship means so much. i promise to do all that i can to manage this illness.

increase in med

2010-04-08T16:08:00.000-04:00

Saw Dr Chacko this afternoon. Have been feeling slightly hypomanic today, so he increased the Geodon from 40 to 80 mgs and wants to see me back in two weeks. The Geodon is supposed to help balance out the mania with the mood stablizer (Lamictal).

I'm feeling good (as to be expected) but still feel like I'm on that edge. If there is too much excitement around me I might latch onto it and bump the hypomania up a notch. I definitely had trouble sleeping last night and didn't fall asleep until about 1 AM or so. Got up at 5:30, so only 4-1/2 hours sleep, but at least I slept well during that time. It surprised me that I had trouble going to sleep since I took the Geodon and, up to this point, it has always made sleepy. It was almost the opposite. We'll see how tonight goes with 80 mg!

Planning to go to Temple tonight for our discussion group. Tonight we will be discussing the Sutra of the Eight Realizations of Great Beings. This is a Mahayana text which incorporates the Bodhisattva concept into Buddhism. My limited understanding of this teaching is that one can attain full enlightenment, yet choose to remain in the realm of unenlightened beings with the dedication of being in service to others to assist them as they attain their own enlightenment.

The word enlightenment is over-used and frequently misunderstood. I believe we obtain enlightenment every time we come to understand something better. I believe it is a daily process of discovery and understanding. Asking questions and finding the answers. There is, of course, the Supreme Enlightenment which would cross into Buddhism, Christianity, and other beliefs which incorporate reincarnation and/or an "ascension" process resulting in the "perfection of the soul or awareness".

Enlightenment is not a pie-in-the-sky concept that is unattainable by we mere mortal men and women. It is not reserved for nuns, monks, priests, or any other form of clergy. It is something you can choose each day of your life. Open a book. Talk to a stranger. Watch something educational on TV. Cultivate compassion for others, especially when they appear to deserve it the least.

Don't know where all that came from. Hmmm...got that creative juice flowing, I guess?

Yeah, that proves the doctors point for increasing my meds. Even he could tell before I had to say anything. He didn't ask, he stated, "So you look like you're feeling better, but still slightly hypomanic?"

A-yup. Definitely not running on empty.

geodon

2010-04-08T11:36:00.000-04:00

On Monday,Ii began sinking lower from the mania and began to get "teary", crying easily. Felt a great deal of shame and embarassment for my behavior during the manic period. I saw my doctor that morning and he prescribed Geodon, an antipsychotic drug that has shown good results as a complement to a mood stabilizer that helps balance out mania. Isn't Geodon a Pokeman? Dr Chacko, my psych, warned me that it had to be taken with food and might make me sleepy. When I got home I ate something and took the Geodon around 1 PM. By 3, I was nodding at the keyboard. Definitely a pill I'll be taking with dinner instead!

I don't know how quickly it is supposed to start working, but I haven't sunk deeper. If nothing else, I would say I'm moving between slight depression and hypomania, with more of an edge of hypomania. I see Dr Chacko this afternoon for a follow-up.

Fortunately, my boss and co-workers are very understanding of my condition and I am able to work from home. This definitely helps with reducing stress. I've also been getting a little more sleep, which should help.

My primary concern is "am I getting worse? Will I get worse as I get older?". That is a truly frightening prospect. I do know this was the worst manic episode I've ever had -- and that's even compared to when I was unmedicated. I also used to say, when telling others about my condition, that I'm "just a little bipolar. I'm not a full-blown bipolar. It's not as bad for me as it is for others."

I don't think I'll be saying that anymore. I was honestly becoming concerned that if the mani did not break, I was indeed going to end up hospitalized. The last time I was hospitalized was about 6 or 7 years ago and that was more to get me off the Klonopin I had been abusing. It wasn't a "this gets me high" kind of abuse. It was from when I was prescribed Klonopin to help with anxiety. However, Klonopin is highly addictive. I fell into a deep depression and started taking more than I should as an attempt to battle depression. Not logical, but I was desperate. When I reached, what I like to think of as, Zombie, Troy got me in to Dr Chacko and I ended up at Florida Hospital for a brief 3-day stay. I certainly don't want to end up like that again! Trust me when I say it's a frightening experience.

What is even more frightening is the realization of how little control I have over my brain. At my brain's discretion I can slip into an altered state in which I have very little or no control over my actions and/or speech. Take a few minutes and think about that.

No, I don't mean continue to the next paragraph. I seriously mean think about it. See yourself at work and exhibiting unusual behavior. High energy, can't sit still. Energy that can't be explained away by coffee or Red Bull. A jittery feeling underneath your skin, almost like it itches but you know scratching the outside won't ease the inside. You can't itch on the inside, so you move your body in an attempt to ease the discomfort that you know is completely and totally psychomatic. But you can't control it and pace. Sudden changes in direction or thought. Unusual language patterns. For me, fuck becomes my favorite word during a manic episode. Suggestive speech that crosses sexual harassment boundaries. A part of you watches as your mouth moves and your body jerks around moving from place-to-place. Your self-confidence is exaggerated. You think you are the funniest person around. You can accomplish anything. You are on-top-of-the-world. And none - of - it - is - real.

Eventually, the mania passes and what passes for normalcy settles in. Next, the guilt, embarassment and remorse kick in. This part eventually becomes a focal point for my glide into depression. I obssess about who I really am and what I've said or done. I feel as if there is something wrong with me. Something weak.

I abhor weakness as does most everyone in my family. We must always be strong and I have tried so hard to be strong my entire life. I obssess over the fact that it's becoming more obvious and I can't hide it as well. Now everyone can see how weak I am. I have to ask for help now. If I were stronger, then I would have better self-control. That is one reason I am so dedicated to meditation. Meditation teaches self-control.

I am hopeful that if I can achieve the right balance of

medication,
meditation,
sleep,
exercise,
stress,
downtime, and
whatever else I find that I need.

I want to get this right. Living this way, seeing the toll it takes on my family, especially on Troy, is difficult to bear. That is why I become frightened. What if I truly don't have control?

i think it's the beginning of the end

2010-04-04T10:24:00.000-04:00

friday night troy played drums and music for me so i could spend about two hours attempting to meditate. it definitely relaxed me. afterwards, i went straight to bed and got about 8 hours of sleep. of course, the last two hours of my sleep were spent fighting groucho off as he kept getting in my face to remind me it was past his regular feeding time. he hasn't quite gotten the hang of "we sleep in on the weekend".

i got to spend an hour in the sun before getting ready to spend the afternoon and share dinner with good friends. the day was overall very laid back and relaxed. i was still somewhat manic throughout the day but as the evening wore on i could feel myself losing that buzzing edge i have been living with for a while now.

my head is getting quieter. this morning i'm actually feeling a little lethargic. i'm having trouble staying focused but not for the same reason. during the mania, i couldn't stay focused because there was so much going on in my head. now it feels like my brain is molasses because i'm having trouble connecting a flow of thoughts. hmm, now that i say that, i remember yesterday afternoon and last night a few times were i completely dropped a thought during conversation and couldn't recollect what i was originally saying. maybe early signs that the mania is subsiding?

i also am not feeling the impulsiveness, compulsion, and obsessiveness i was feeling so strongly before. it's almost as if i feel like i'm back in my head and back in control again. just have that slight hint of depression hovering nearby, like the smell of rain on the wind when a storm is approaching.

i am planning to spend another hour in the sun today. studies have shown that natural sunlight can help with depression. if i am on the downslide now, i want to do everything i can to prevent that slide from going too deep. i am still planning to get an appointment with my psychiatrist monday and talk about my recent episode and if we may need to increase the dosage again.

peace and enjoy your easter sunday

the high metabolism

2010-04-03T11:18:00.000-04:00

yesterday was pretty intense. by mid-morning i was feeling jittery. had to take a walk outside a couple of times and stand in the sun because i just couldn't sit still and felt this impulsive need to be outside, in the sun, moving. the sun feels so good on my skin. i can feel it going deep into the muscles. it helps me relax and i feel like i'm being recharged. makes me think of that guy i saw one day driving back from lunch many, many years ago. he stood on the side of the road. he was butt naked. staring at the sun. as we drove by, all i could think about was how good that would feel and i wish i could do that too. it's still one of my lifetime dreams is to have that opportunity but in the middle of nowhere with no one else around (well, except Troy). Not at the intersection of Kirkman and Sand Lake roads.

i had lunch with a good friend of mine, andrea. she's an amazing and highly intelligent woman with whom i always enjoy having her undivided attention for a relaxing lunch. i admire her so much as she devotes much of her time to being in service to others. one of the groups she works with is the homeless, of which a few are bipolar. it's always nice to discuss my illness with others who are genuinely interested in understanding it better and how they can help those they know who are affected by it. bob and chris are like that too. by them asking me questions, it also helps me understand it better too.

when i returned to work after lunch all hell had broken loose and we had all types of issues popping up. they probably wouldn't have been as bad, but with my extreme inability to concentrate it was torture trying to stay focused on one thing. then when you have people calling, IMing and sending emails, it gets even more difficult to stay focused on one task. needless to say, i was at work until late last night. again.

my mouth ran 100 miles per hour all day long to just about any poor soul that would listen or couldn't escape. some of the things coming out of my mouth surprised even me. i ... just ... could ... not ... keep ... my ... mouth ... shut ...

i wish i could get people to understand how it is. it's almost like being possessed. it's a horrible, horrible feeling of being completely out of control of yourself. but the flip side is that it feels so good. once you hook into the mania, it is like a drug and you don't want it to go. you are all-powerful. all-knowing. time becomes irrelevant. you are super-(wo)man. you know secrets of the universe. you can do ANYTHING. you have ALL THIS ENERGY!!!

i know i'm approaching the peak, i have to be. if i go any further upward, i will be scared. i am going to call my doctor on monday. i'm sure he'll want to increase my meds again. that sucks, but, that's just the way it is, right? some would say it's a small price to pay for sanity. that is another concern i have. what if it's getting worse? is it that it's getting worse or is it that i'm just more aware of my symptoms now than ever before? I have never been as aware of myself in a mania as i am right now. normally i would just be riding the winds of whatever emotion is striking me at that moment. while no less intense, i do seem to be able to direct it a little better now than before because it's more real. more tangible. maybe i'm learning to embrace it instead of running away from it. i have to admit, it does feel freeing to be open and just allow it to flow rather than trying to keep it all bottled up inside and squished down tight with a lid.

i've also had a few question my willingness to publicly discuss some of these things. i am deeply grateful troy allows me to share at this level because i recognize it compromises his privacy as well. maybe it is part of the disorder, but i have always believed i could do good things to help people. when i identify something that i am uniquely able to help others with, i have a driving desire to do so. educating others about bipolar disorder is one of those things.

my father was diagnosed with a mental illness. i remember how it was for him when i was a child. he fought his diagnosis and refused to accept it, even though it was glaringly obvious to those around him. people treated him differently and his family did not understand him, much less be there and support him. instead he was critized and called, "crazy larry", and not always behind his back.

now i share his burden with my own diagnosis. i also walk his lonely path. people fear and avoid what they don't understand. there is always shame, anxiety, and guilt attached to my disorder. some discourage me from telling others what i have been diagnosed with. i have felt anxiety when the symptoms begin to manifest and i try to play "normal" for everyone else so they don't see. many times people tell me, "if you hadn't told me, i never would have known. you don't have any of the symptoms i would have expected". is it because i am doing a fairly good job of managing my disorder? maybe i am just very good at hiding my symptoms or maybe they don't understand the symptoms.

if sharing my experiences will help another to not feel alone, then i am willing to do it. if helping someone who doesn't have bipolar understand better what we feel, then i am more than willing to do it. maybe it's also because i want people to see me, the real me.

once you have it, you always have it, or at least at this point in scientific research, this is true, but hopefully will change one day. i live with it every single moment of every single day. i may go weeks or even months without remembering what lives inside my head. but one day, it wakes up and then it takes over my brain for the next couple of weeks or months. i don't get to take a vacation from it. it chooses when i can have a vacation from wild mood swings. i try to medicate it, but it is elusive and its metabolism burns quite high sometimes and is non-existent at others. medication is sometimes just a crap shoot in a barrel full of fish.

it is here, and for now, it lives in the master bedroom in my head.

turning manic

2010-04-02T07:54:00.000-04:00

The song, Turning Japanese, originally came out when I was a teen and it quickly became one of my favorites. Thinking about it now, I think the energy of the song is probably a lot like turning manic. It's an almost frantic, loud, obsessive movement of words and sound in your head. Your entire body is buzzing with energy. While you may have calm moments within the song, the frantic chorus always returns and overpowers.

It's a true, true blessing to have a partner who has come to understand my disorder almost better than I do. He can usually spot the beginning of a manic period before I can. He spotted this one long before I did. I only became aware, or acknowledged it, in the past day or so. To me it is such a gradual shift that I don't realize it. Well, that, and I just enjoy the energy, creativity, and confidence that come from it without analyzing where it's coming from. I'd like to think it's all coming from inside of me. (Would that be the feelings of grandeur, they speak of?)

Usually, I am only hypomanic, which is not a full blown mania. Last night I realized I have approached the edge of a full-blown mania. As Troy and I were discussing my symptoms and how long they've lasted, I realized how far into it I am and how close to a manic episode I have come. I can feel the potential for full-blown delusions and possible hallucinations in the forecast. And I have absolutely no control over it. All I can do is hang on and ride the wave best I can until it passes.

I don't know how to describe how my mind feels at this point, but it's almost as if there is this "ghost" in my mind and it starts to feel "wispy". It's like there are two of me and the "normal" me is fading away and the "manic" me is taking over. It is so hard to describe. It's like being two minds in one body. There is a very, very tiny part of my mind that understands social cues and what inappropriate behavior or talk is. But when the manic mind takes over, I can't hear that teeny tiny part anymore. I'm not even sure if it exists sometimes, except I will get glimpses of mini me. Impulse control is almost non-existent. That is where friends and family are so important to help keep me in check and prevent me from going off the deep end no matter how badly I may want to dive into that deep, blue sea with my water wings.

According to WebMD (one of my fav medical sites):
If you have three or more of the mania symptoms below most of the day -- nearly every day -- for one week or longer, you may be having a manic episode of bipolar disorder.

Excessive happiness, hopefulness, and excitement

Check - about two weeks or so now. Why fight THAT?

Sudden changes from being joyful to being irritable, angry, and hostile

Check - There have been occasions where the smallest thing could quickly swing me into anger and hostility, then just as quickly swing back to a joyful state.

Restlessness, increased energy, and less need for sleep

Check - Having a hard time sitting still for long periods. I have that constant jittery feeling in my muscles and just underneath my skin like there is electricity racing underneath and I have to move or explode. If not for Troy's encouragement, I probably would not have bothered to go to bed at all last night. I have done quite a few 4 hour nights for the past couple of weeks now, as well. (4 hours sleep per night is not a good thing for bipolars at all.)

Rapid talk, talkativeness

Double-Triple-Check - Sometimes I am talking so much and so fast, even I can't keep up. It's only because my brain is going faster than the muscles in my mouth can move and I cannot control the desire to express everything inside my head to anyone who will listen.

Distractibility

Check - Do you mean like while I'm writing this I keep bouncing back and forth between reading the top and bottom of this post and re-writing sections instead of reading it all the way through as intended; as well as update blogger settings, and send a couple of emails as I remembered to do those things while I'm writing this post?

Racing thoughts

Check - You could call my mind Speed Racer. Vroom-vrooom!! Thoughts are zinging around in my head like a zillion small rubber balls in a small room, bouncing off one another.

High sex drive

Check - Troy nor I have any complaints about this one.

Tendency to make grand and unattainable plans

Slightly checked - I started the Spiral Circle NAMIWalks team with the delusion that as soon as I notified people about it they would FLOCK to the site to become a walk member or to donate because they would ALL SEE the Importance of Mental Illness Education because It Is one of The Most Important Causes Of Our Time. That doesn't seem to be working out so well. Not to mention, I can't stay focused long enough to work on the promotional materials for the Team.

Tendency to show poor judgment, such as deciding to quit a job

Check - or like knowing when to keep your mouth shut or recoginizing social cues? Having an extremely loud conversation in a crowded restaurant about bunny vibrators and sex-toy stores?

Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity -- unrealistic beliefs in one's ability, intelligence, and powers; may be delusional

Check - is it delusional to suddenly feel as if you are a Sexual Goddess and everyone wants you because you exude this irresistible scent? Have you been around me lately? Maybe it's not a delusion. The feeling that I am invincible? That I can do anything I put my mind to? That I can write a novel in one week end? That the chapter I just wrote is the beginning of THE NOVEL?

Increased reckless behaviors (such as lavish spending sprees, impulsive sexual indiscretions, abuse of alcohol or drugs, or ill-advised business decisions)

Countermeasure check - Troy is keeping me out of Barnes & Noble. My friends at work are keeping me in check and making sure I don't do anything I'll regret later. Definitely have become extremely inappropriate and loud at work. Thank goodness we work in an enclosed area and everyone in the room knows what I have and understands my behavior. (Actually, I think I amuse them most of the time.)

All I can say is thank God, thank God, thank God for my husband and my supportive co-workers who also get me. They understand and know not to take me completely seriously or anything I say too personally. They also help point out when I'm becoming obsessive or too hyper. This helps keep me in check and is also why it is so important for bipolars to "come out of the closet" at work. We need people to understand that when we aren't having an episode we are awesome people. Then they can understand when we are having an episode that some of our actions may not be who we really are deep inside and how they can help us. I am grateful to have been safe enough to disclose my illness to my co-workers and receive their full understanding, support, and love. Did I mention how blessed I am?

As Troy and I were talking about it last night I realized, I usually only blog when I'm depressed. Talking about my symptoms last night helped get things into perspective and I feel a little calmer this morning. I also realized the importance of blogging about the mania so people will understand it as well.

I share this next part, not to be lewd or inappropriate, but because I feel it is equally important to disclose this part of my disorder. When I approach mania my sex drive increases and everything becomes sexually suggestive; such as innocent comments or a song on the radio will suddenly have sexual innuendos. In contrast, my orgasms are also a lot stronger. Last night was the highest point of my manic episode and the energy buzzing through me was extremely intense. Troy and I took advantage of this energy and my orgasm last night was one of those heart-stopping, "I can't breathe", and I-no-longer-exist experiences. I had intended to get up and do a few things before falling asleep last night, but I literally could not move a muscle and fell asleep. When I awoke this morning, I felt refreshed and calmer than I did last night before our nocturnal activity. However, the longer I am awake, the more distracted I am feeling and I can feel that familiar buzz underneath my skin starting ever so gently.

It will be interesting to see how today unfolds and if I will remain calm or if the mania will increase as the day grows warmer. But, like I said, as long as you don't mind me being loud and talking obsessively, I can be a lot of fun to hang around with when I'm like this. Just keep the check book and ATM card away from me.

The only concern I have that I am trying to drown out of my head now (because it will surely lead to depression) is the bubbling thought, "Does this mean you're getting worse as you get older?". I hope not.

We aren't being stupid and realize the importance of my medication. We will continue to monitor this weekend. Hopefully, last night was the peak and I'll be on the downslide again. If not, then I will call Dr Chacko and discuss increasing my meds again. The only thing I will have to be careful of now is how far down I will slide when I come off this peak. That's the part that always scares me the most. That's when I start thinking about hurting myself again.

my jaws ache

2010-03-29T21:02:00.000-04:00

when i get annoyed and am trying to keep my cool, i clench my teeth together. i'm usually not aware i am doing it until the ache sets in at the end of the day from where i've been tightly clenching them all day. today was one of those days.

i have discovered, since attending the vipassana course, my views have changed about some things, especially negativity. everyone seems unhappy because their situation isn't "ideal" or "how they think it should be". now, that, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. this can motivate us into becoming more than what we are at that present moment by stretching ourselves to rise above that which we dislike. what makes it into a "bad" thing is when we adopt a negative attitude toward the situation and refuse to do anything to change it.

i've also found my tolerance level for constant fault-finding, childish whining, and large ego has fallen to extremely dangerous levels.

i see these as a challenge and opportunity for self growth, which i welcome and look forward to. okay, maybe not quite that enthusiastically. i'm not quite sure how to handle it yet. but i guess that's what this is all about, right? learning how to handle situations in a healthier way that i haven't known how to do so before. it's taking the first step that is the scariest. it wouldn't be a "situation" if i already knew how to handle it appropriately, now would it?

what does makes me a little sad though, is the realization that there is a lot of negativity out there to provide me with opportunities to practice what i believe. lots. in people who do have control and can change it. all the philosophers really do know what they are talking about when they say we hold the key to the chains that we imagine bind us. none of us are bound. we all have choices. we must also respect the choices of others; even when we don't understand or agree with them.

some say life isn't fair. some expect life to be fair. few realize that life truly is fair. it's the law of balance. for every action there is a reaction. not everything that happens to us is personal. that's something we so easily forget. we also forget that we have to work hard for those things we want the most, yet be patient and give them time to appear. that what we receive is directly proportional to what we give.

i am working to attain a level of equanimity that i can maintain a calm and peaceful state of mind even when i hear distressing news, or am surrounded by negativity or less-than-desirable surroundings or events.

Main Entry: equa·nim·i·ty

Pronunciation: \ˌē-kwə-ˈni-mə-tē, ˌe-kwə-\
1 : evenness of mind especially under stress
2 : right disposition : balance
synonyms equanimity, composure, sangfroid mean evenness of mind under stress. equanimity suggests a habit of mind that is only rarely disturbed under great strain . composure implies the controlling of emotional or mental agitation by an effort of will or as a matter of habit . sangfroid implies great coolness and steadiness under strain .

endless night

2010-03-28T11:22:00.000-04:00

Endless night. That is definitely how I personally experience the depressive side of bipolar when unmedicated. Edvard Munch's, "Scream" is the perfect painting to describe it. Don McLeans, "Vincent (Starry, Starry Night)" is the perfect song. Below is a video of VanGogh paintings set to the song Vincent. Did you know VanGogh was bipolar?

Here's the story of someone who has it worse than I do and how it has impacted, not only his life, but his family as well. The desire, as far back as I can remember into childhood, of wanting to die. I lived this way until about 6 years ago when I finally found the right medication for my disorder. It is not an easy way to live. When you are equally torn between wanting to live and wanting to die. Sometimes, the only thing that keeps you on the side of the living are the people you love. Sometimes, even that isn't enough to save you.

One of my favorite quotes sums it up perfectly. "It's not that I want to kill myself. It's just that I wouldn't mind dying." (Stephen Fry)

http://tinyurl.com/ydb398e

Another interesting tidbit I gleaned from it:

Scientists believe that bipolar disorder may result from genes either inherited or changed during conception that produce faulty proteins; the proteins then interrupt or misdirect certain brain activities, causing the extreme mood swings that define the condition. Stress or traumatic events aren't enough on their own to set the disease in motion, but they are believed to be potential triggers for a person carrying the right switch in their brains.

be thankful

2010-03-25T14:39:00.002-04:00

In the Light of Love...

2010-03-21T13:48:00.000-04:00

They've done it again. It's been two years since the first time I heard them sing this song. It still brought me to tears when I listened today. Not tears of sadness, but tears of absolute joy and bliss. You can feel it in the song, especially if you sing along...

In the light of love, we are whole, in the light of love, we are home, in the light of love, we heal and sing... Thy Will be done.... in the light of love....

om shree dhanvantre namaha

Beautiful crystal bowls played to Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujuah" & more

2010-03-15T20:29:00.002-04:00

...and here's what we'd like to eventually do with our meditation chanting group... isn't this mesmerizing?? With or without headphones, close your eyes, relax, and float...

i am back

2010-03-08T22:33:00.001-05:00

Just a quick note to officially announce my return. I've actually been back since last Wednesday afternoon, but remained "black" to the rest of the world so I could enjoy my time at home without anything or anyone expecting anything from me until Tuesday, at the earliest. It has been very nice. I'm enjoying the longest vacation I've ever taken from work. Well, the longest paid vacation I've ever taken! LOL

If you want to read my initial blog posts about the meditation course, read them here: insightfoundinside.blogspot.com.

I have lots to post about but will take time to get it all typed up and posted. I've gotten into a routine of getting up at 4:30 AM (which makes Groucho happy since he's ready for his breakfast about then). This also means being asleep by 10 PM each night. It has been a conducive schedule for hour long meditation in the AM since no one else is usually up before 10 AM.

Steven took off around 5:30 today for his first long-distance trip adventure to Boca Raton with a friend of his. I'm torn between being excited for him and being frightened for him. I know he'll be okay. I just hope he has a great time while he's there. He will be staying until Friday or Saturday and driving back alone. I wish someone were with him, but he's cautious and should be fine. It's a newer, reliable car, so he shouldn't have any car problems. His biggest challenge will be getting lost. With his iPhone though, he should be fine with that as well!

I finished my meditation book and the course, so now I've got to choose something new to read. I have "Wolf at Twilight" by one of my favorite authors, but I don't know if I'm up for real life drama just yet. I'm thinking maybe trying "What the Buddha Taught" for a bit and see if I can get far in that or if I need something dummied down a bit more. I have material to read for the meditation group, but feel like taking a book off and just reading for myself right now.

Troy and I went to Cafe Tu Tu Tango tonight for dinner and, as always, ate too much. I had the almond flan for desert. Oh yummmmmmmmm. The tarot reader was an elderly woman and she didn't look real thrilled about being there. I stood near her waiting for Troy to come out of the restroom where he was depositing his two beers. She never looked up to greet people passing by her and was looking at her phone. I fleetingly thought of getting a reading, but was already miserable from eating too much and just wanted to get out of there and headed home where I could discard my tight jeans for something much more comfy. :)

The course was amazing. I did leave on the morning of the 7th day. The pain became difficult to bear and was lasting non-stop. I had a bone-deep ache in my right leg that went from my thigh all the way into my ankle. My left knee had begun to swell again and was back to that odd, popping/sliding feeling I would get when I walked shortly after I initially injured it. At that point, I was concerned that another 3 days of activity would result in an inability to drive my manual transmission Cobalt home by myself. I really needed that left knee for the clutch in my car.

I did have extremely amazing experiences. One I have written, but cannot share until after the women's medicine wheel later this month. I will be sharing it first at the Spring Equinox Medicine Wheel, and then a second time at the women's medicine wheel the following week. Once I have shared it there, then I will be posting it here. It was an extremely moving and humbling experience. I feel extremely blessed to have received such a strong message to share with others.

I will also write about the mundane activities that can be comical, when viewed the right way. My adventures with true vegetarian fare. I've become convinced that I'm a "Western World Processed Food Vegetarian". I like my processed vegetables. Green Giant peas in a can or frozen peas I can cook in the microwave in less than 6 minutes. The daily routine and how easy it was to fall into it.

The technique, as much as I can share, and the one extremely blissful experience I had the day we received Vipassana from S.N. Goenka. I am so happy I went without expectations and had such amazing experiences. I was like a child, wide open to everything, anything, and all forms of experience. Vipassana meditation is focused on sensations. I have never been so aware of my bodily sensations as I have been since learning this technique. Let's just say, Troy has been enjoying my newfound sensuality as well. IFYKWIM haha.

Okay, TMI, but it had to be said. This course was amazing beyond expectation. Everything I needed was there for me. Every experience, every thought, every sensation...was exactly what I needed, when I needed it. The things I questioned most in my life were answered. I rediscovered my love for pine straw and pine cones. I found faith. I grew a new and much larger appreciation for the rock solid love that exists in my life. I am comfortable with my place and space and know that I am serving whatever purpose I was put here to serve.

I will write that book. Each month I get a little closer. Each time a little more is written. The pieces are slowly coming together. Each experience and interaction in my life is potential for a new chapter, or more. Attending this course provided me with at least three additional chapters.

The first full day I had an experience that still unsettles me to think of it. I knew that deep down inside I have always lived with fear. Fear of rejection or humiliation or shame or doing or saying something stupid, of mistakes made in the past and making them again, of failure, of not being enough, of so very many things! But I had pushed them way, way deep, deep down inside. I knew they were there, but could successfully ignore them and proceed as planned.

That first full night of the course, I had them all come bubbling, spilling, roiling out of me. It was a frightening experience. To see all that fear dragged out in front of you where you can't hide from it and must face it. I was ready to run. Get in my car and GO NOW! As ugly as it was though, the next morning it was as if a switch had been thrown and now I lived without that fear. It had galloped away into the night, to locations unknown. All I knew was I felt a little bit lighter than the night before. I felt like I could conquer the world...or as a minimum, the course. It gave me enough strength to continue five more days.

Although it was initially important to me to complete all ten days, I am comfortable with my decision to leave and have no regrets. Although, I kept thinking of the friends I had made and left behind and what they were doing at different times throughout the day. I celebrated Metta Day with them and was happy that they had all made it. I'm hopeful that I will one day hear from Molina (I think that's the correct spelling of her name - I hope!) and she can tell me about the rest of the course. I also hope to hear from Rae when she's passing through Orlando again. It would be nice to meet up with her while she's nearby.

I am determined to remain committed to this meditation technique and maintain the daily two hour practice. I am surrendering this week while we are on vacation as our schedule tends to be very up-in-the-air and our sleep and waking times are somewhat erratic. I have tried to fit in a one hour meditation at some point during each day. Today, not so successful unless you call the sleep I'm about to fall into in about 15 minutes a form of meditation...

Next Monday, when we return to work, I will return to my 4:30 AM schedule to make sure I meditate for an hour every morning and continue the practice. I will also return to my regular diet of bananas and apples as well. I FORBID any more chocolate to be brought into this house!!!

Good night All. Rest well and I'll see you on the other side of Dreamtime...

With love and sweet dreams,
Karen

Good bye!

2010-02-24T08:31:00.002-05:00

Leaving in 45 minutes. Telling Troy goodbye was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I couldn't fight back the tears that rolled down my face as he drove away headed to work. Below is my good bye video for you, my faithful audience, and to my friends and family. I love you and will miss you all. And music. And books. And my kitties. And my iPhone. And the Internet. Pepsi and chocolate milk. And food. :)

Good bye! Signing off. Metta, Karen

IPhone still dead

2010-02-23T05:40:00.000-05:00

I am very sad to report that first attempt to revive beloved iPhone has failed. I will make one last attempt when I get home from work. If still no go, we'll have to break down and go get another phone. An expense, I really, really didn't want to have to shell out.

If it still doesn't work I'm leaving it in rice until I return from my retreat. If it works then, I may have an extra iPhone for sell ... cheap ....

washed iPhone and our second video

2010-02-21T19:10:00.000-05:00

i must be taking this whole silence thing a lot more seriously than i ever realized. i managed to wash my iPhone early this morning. don't ask what it was doing in my bathrobe pocket and why, today, of all days, i decided to wash my bathrobe.

on the brighter side of things (i remain optimist, yet realistic), internet research shows a high probability of success in iPhone recovery. many (and i mean a lot) people suggested placing the phone in an air-tight container with white rice, then placing the container in a warm place for at least two days. (click on the title of this blog to read the many, many posts of people having success with rice and the back of their computer monitor. of course, that requires one of them old-time monitors no one has anymore, so the fridge or dryer vent has to do.)

put on the brakes!!! what??? you say???

two..days..without..a..phone..two..days..before..i..go..out..of..town

wow. i said a lot of synchronous events had been happening lately, but this one kinda freaks me out.

so if you text or call, i swear i'm not ignoring you! if you've got the number call me on troy's phone - or send me an email at my windsong address and i'll call you back.

results of iPhone recovery test to be announced tuesday morning. if it doesn't work by tuesday afternoon, we'll be making a quick trip to the AT&T store. i hope it works because i really, really don't want to have to lay the money out for yet another iPhone. i had to pay full price for this one originally because i wasn't eligible for the upgrade yet and i'm still not eligible until november!!

we just created another crystal bowl video and it's currently being processed on youTube. it was funny how the first two comments from people who never sat in group before but saw the previous video we posted were:

what part was the bowl? i couldn't tell if there was music playing or not.
there was very light music in the background but most of what you hear is bowls.
wow! those are REALLY big bowls! i didn't realize they were THAT big!
yeah, i know. lucky me because i get personal, on-demand performances. :)

yes, it's true. my husband has big bowls. the word is out.

so, in response to the question what do just the bowls sound like, we've created our second video of 10-minutes with just the sound of troy playing the crystal bowl. i've watched quite a few crystal bowl videos and i have to say, i think it's the best 10-minute crystal bowl video i have ever heard. please comment and let us know what you think about it. turn the volume up (or wear headphones if you have a lot of external noise), take off your shoes, put your bare feet flat on the floor (or sit on the floor), close your eyes, and relax until the bowls fade...and beyond...

Namaste

-------

May all beings be free.
May all beings be peaceful.
May all beings be happy.
May all beings be safe.
-------

Metta

10 things for 10 days

2010-02-18T21:45:00.001-05:00

In true, Karen and Keri* style, I proudly present to you, my faithful readers, the LIST of 10 THINGS I WON'T HAVE TO DO FOR 10 DAYS and 10 THINGS I WILL MISS FOR 10 DAYS while I am away for the Vipassana course!

I won't have to...

GO TO WORK! GO TO WORK! GO TO WORK! HAHA!! HEHE!!
laundry.
wash dishes.
feed animals.
pay bills.
put on make-up.
wear perfume or hairspray
deal with rush hour traffic
cook
clean...ANYTHING (well, other than myself, that is, but i don't HAVE to!)

but, I will miss...

TROY (horribly, terribly...painfully...IYKWIM**)
Steven
my family
my friends
our meditation group (especially since I'll be missing the chanting meditation!)
my kitties
music
books
chocolate milk
food, in general :)

* Keri is a fellow list-aholic
** stupid, inside co-worker joke

Go to my insightfoundinside blog to read about my remaining few days of preparation as THE day approaches...

(Sorry, Troy, but the birds did not make the Top 10 things I will miss.... hahaha)

social engineering <> social networking

2010-02-04T19:29:00.000-05:00

We all know that Facebook loves to collect our personal data, browsing history, posting history, etc. We also know they use this data to target specific potential customers for advertisers on their web site. It makes perfect sense and, in all honesty, is a fair trade. Or, at least, I think so. After all, we are using their resources for our personal and/or professional use with unlimited storage space for photos, an immense networking system; and it's FREE!!! Seems a fair trade that they use our data to target us for specific advertising to pay for all the free technology we are using.

I think most would agree that most women generally, do not share their age. Vanity, I guess. I've never cared if people knew my age. (I'm 44, just to prove my point.) I'm not hung up on the whole, "I'm getting old" thing or anything like that based on some stupid number. I'm still me and me has no age. Well, except for when you are looking through old photographs and gasp at how you looked fill-in-the-blank years ago. Even then it is more about "how" you looked at a point in your life, than the age you were when you looked that way.

Back to the ads. I've noticed a trend in some of the Facebook ads that is, disturbing. No, not the funky baby ad or Obama Mama go back to college ads with a hairy guy and the caption, "So easy a Cave Mom could do it!". Although, I must admit, I thought that was pretty darn funny the first time I read it!

The ads are targeting a specific age group. Understandable. Makes sense. (Re-read and keep reading the first paragraph until you do get it.) My question is why in God's name did they think it was beneficial to incorporate the user's age into the graphic? Especially when they know the person looking at the ad is a woman!

Wouldn't it make sense that for certain age ranges, displaying the age wouldn't be a good thing? Women who are self-conscious about their age are being constantly reminded how old they are.

I am not age sensitive and these ads have made me more aware of my age now than ever before. I am 44. I don't walk around thinking it all the time. "I'm 44." "Hello, I'm 44." It's something I just know.

But every day I see ads on Facebook reminding me that I'm 44...AND female and live in Florida!

I am doomed!

'Cuz I'm just a girl...

it's a mad world

2010-02-02T14:26:00.000-05:00

I have loved this song since the day I first heard it. Not announcing depression here, just wanted to post the song so I'd have easy access to the lyrics. I do feel like it is, to some degree, a Bipolar-theme song for me, though.

It's a Mad World by Tears for Fears

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going no where
Going no where
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Mad world
Mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
And to feel the way that every child should
Sits and listen
Sits and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Mad World
Mad world
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world

things i can cook

2010-02-01T00:08:00.001-05:00

it's a very short list, actually. but of the few things i claim i can cook, i also claim i can cook them fairly well. or at least, well enough, that people don't get sick and some even come back for second helpings.

here are some of the things I think I make fairly well

Chili
Spaghetti
Chicken 'n' Dumplin's
Chicken Tortelleni
Apple Crumb Dessert
Chicken Pot Pie
Lasagna
Pot Roast
Hamburgers

Baked Chicken

the Chicken Pot Pie is a new addition to "the list". It is so easy to make! It's also one of those that tastes even better on the second day. I have to stop Troy or he will gorge himself on it! I'm a fairly bland cook and not very experimental, so dress it up however you think it will taste the best!

Ingredients:

16 oz frozen mixed vegetables - OR - 16 oz fresh mixed vegetables, cooked - OR - 16 oz can mixed vegetables
1 can Cream of Chicken condensed soup
1/2-cup milk
1 frozen pie shell
12 oz chopped chicken (I use fresh - not frozen - Perdue cooked chicken strips. the honey coated is the best!)
1 Pillsbury pie shell refrigerated dough (remove from refrigerator before preparing mixture to allow dough to reach room temperature before handling. if too cold, the dough will stick and you will not be able to easily unroll it.)

Cook/heat vegetables until slightly tender. Add can Cream of Chicken condensed soup and stir well. Add 1/2-cup milk and stir well. Add chicken and desired seasonings. Mix well.

Pour mixture into frozen pie shell. Spread evenly in pie shell. Unroll Pillsbury pie shell dough. Center over prepared pie shell. Pinche edges to seal. Trim excess pieces. Cut four holes in top to vent.

Cook at 375 degress for 1 hour.

the economy is so bad that...

2010-01-27T21:27:00.000-05:00

A friend sent this to me (thanks, Steve) and I thought some of these were the funniest things I've read in a long time. Hope you enjoy them as well! Here, have a chuckle on me, will ya...?

The economy is so bad that.....

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

mindfulness in action! you saw it here first!

2010-01-24T12:05:00.001-05:00

Master Zen Kitteh Cat demonstrates the technique of mindfulness. Full Awareness of one's surroundings without reacting to it.

Fearless Feline @ Yahoo! Video

1 good thing

2010-01-18T16:25:00.002-05:00

One good thing about mania... organization and cleaning skills are off the charts!!!

just once...

2010-01-18T14:09:00.002-05:00

you know those spam emails that you get in which some stranger is asking for your help with some type of banking transaction worth millions of dollars and they are willing to give you a large percentage to handle it for them?

you know how some of them come with the subject line:
CAN I TRUST YOU?

just once, i'd love to reply: NO

10 Things I Love About Keri

2010-01-18T13:54:00.003-05:00

Karen's Note: In the spirit of showing more Gratitude in my posts this year, I thought I would choose a different person and write 10 things I like about him/her as a blog tribute. There is no specific order to the posts, so don't get offended if you aren't first and don't let it go to your head if you are! LOL

There is someone I work with that I think is absolutely amazing. Not in a gay way, IYKWIM. (For the uninitiated: IYKWIM = "If you know what I mean". It's a lot easier to type IYKWIM in IM than to fully type it out.)

Keri is such a beautiful person inside and out. She speaks honestly from her heart and is loving, kind, considerate, and loyal. She's okay in my book.

She and I go to lunch a couple (or more) times a week with our other Lunch Partners In Crime (LPIC). The range of discussions we have at lunch are never-ending. We laugh. We insult each other. We support each other. We have fun together. We have also been known to create a visual expression of a word versus verbally. For example, wiggling your bent fingers, as if typing, while held at the same level as your waist = IMing. Wiggling your bent figures and held higher than the waist = typing an email.

But this post is about Keri. She is more than my lunch-buddy and co-worker. She is my friend. I am very blessed to have her in my life and would like to share with you why. Since this first blog tribute is about Keri, it only seems appropriate that the tributes should be written in LIST format.

Keri is addicted to list-making just like I am.
We hate talking on the phone (um, to anyone, not just to each other) because we prefer speaking in person.
We use A LOT of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!
We are extremely picky about our blog posts and can spend hours writing just one!
She has a great sense of humor and can roll with the best of them.
She smiles and laughs a lot.
She likes to read.
She's one of those rare bubbly people that you actually enjoy being around and look forward to it.
She loves office supplies.
She loves singing in the car.

I hope that you someday have the good fortune of Keri's path crossing with yours. I am most grateful that hers has crossed mine and I'm enjoying our journey together.

I'm turning Japanese...

2010-01-18T01:32:00.000-05:00

I cannot get that song out of my head right now for some reason. All the way down to the guitars and everything. "I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so...think so...think so..." Now I hope it's stuck in your head too. I'm sharing the wealth with you. LOL

I see Dr Chacko next week, which is a good thing. I believe the new med, Lexapro, has pushed me a little into the manic state and I may be rapid cycling a little more quickly. I have been keeping my daily mood chart so I can bring it with me to show my doctor. I still believe perimenopause has a lot of influence on my current mood swings. However, the 1 AM blogging I am doing right now screams mania. And, YES, I AM taking my medication every day.

Week before last everything was blowing up at work all week long. It was an extremely stressful start to the year at work. Thankfully, this past week things were much calmer. I was able to focus on my ticket queue and got almost all of them caught up. On Friday, however, I did find it extremely difficult to stay focused. Fortunately, I left early Friday to get a few things for Troy's birthday and picked Spike up from the vet.

Even though I know I should be in bed right now, I cannot seem to get my mind to slow down enough to actually be able to lie still.

I was really rude to someone (two people, actually) yesterday and I feel kinda bad about it. It was a good learning experience. I was annoyed because when we arrived to set up for meditation at the bookstore the floor in the meeting room was covered with leaves, trash, dirt, sand, and other debris. As we pulled up two people were standing inside the room apparently planning to leave. When I walked into the room I became angry and wasn't kind, gentle, or tactful in the expression of my feelings on the condition of the room. As Troy and Daniel quickly (and wisely) began removing things from the room, I found and successfully hit the other two unmoving targets in the room.

I knew I was being rude, but was too annoyed (and a little panicky about getting the room cleaned and set up before people started arriving for meditation) to stop and apologize or admit to my rudeness.

It bugged me all night (probably why my second meditation didn't go very well) and today. I have worried at it like a dog with a bone. (Like my Mom said, I think too much.) I wanted to understand my feelings and as I examined myself I came to realize a few enlightening things.

Instead of being truly in service to those around me by cleaning the room before and after use, I resented that others were not doing the same. LESSON: Do things IN SERVICE to others without any expectations of same action by others.

Due to my impressive powers of procrastination, we were a little late leaving the house. Although we arrived on time, I was in a panic that we were running late instead of living in the moment and realizing we were on schedule and not running late, even with a messy room to clean up. LESSON: RELAX! Accept that all is well and there is no benefit in rushing around. Stop. Breathe. Assess. Continue.

I am self-righteously angered when others are not respecful of our sacred space at the bookstore. LESSON: Who am I to judge others and their actions? Who am I to deem myself more respectful of a space than others just because I may be more aware of its sacredness and wish to honor it?

Still haven't written the way long-overdue email to friends of ours. As each day goes by I feel worse and worse for not writing. For some reason, I just cannot seem to sit down and write it. I think it's just all the shame and fear of rejection for not writing before now. Maybe tomorrow (today?) I'll get it written.

I am also still working on my New Year 2010 project.

Yeah, you can see I'm having trouble staying focused on any one thing.

Something odd I have also meant to mention. During the first week of the year I had this incredibly heavy, impending feeling of doom. I felt unsteady, uncertain. As if something big was going to happen. I didn't feel threatened or in danger, just "impending doom". I cannot remember the last time I have felt something like that so strongly and lasting for over a week.

A few days ago I realized that the feeling of doom had gone away. Thinking back, I tried to remember when I last felt it. I honestly believe it was a few days before the earthquake hit Haiti.

Premonition? Did I sense it coming like an animal senses it before a tornado, tsunami or earthquake strikes? Was it just stress related to my job that week? Just another one of those things that happens and you'll never know the answer for sure.

At meditation last night my friend, Lorena, perfectly summed up how I have been feeling. I cannot express it as eloquently as she, but here's my spin on it.

I've been feeling disconnected from Source/Creator/God/Whatever-You-Call-It and am searching for Its manifestation in my physical reality.

What more is there to say?

snicker

2010-01-15T18:31:00.002-05:00

BTW: I noticed no one commented on the Menopause blog. Means one of two things. One, no one is reading my blog -OR- two, everyone who is reading it is AFRAID to post!

Muwahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa!!!

would someone please explain to me...

2010-01-15T18:26:00.000-05:00

...why soda companies were so brilliant to come up with the cardboard dispenser-style packaging and no one put any serious thought into reinforcing the side of the pack that the sodas are retreived from? If you aren't extremely careful when you tear the opening off the box, the seam splits on the side that is supposed to remain connected as the lip to hold the sodas. Then they all come rolling out like a bunch of people going over Niagra Falls in barrels. Your handy-dandy brilliant dispenser is now a piece of cardboard to be recycled.

Soda Fairy, would you please do something about that? Thank you.

And while I'm asking for things, Pepsi Fairy, thanks so much for the Throwback teasers. Could we make it a full-time product again? Thank you. Your Biggest Fan, Karen

...and during THIS period....

2010-01-14T22:33:00.000-05:00

I don't want to hear anyone else tell me I'm too young to be entering into menopause! Even WebMD agrees with me! It really makes me BOILING MAD when someone tries to tell me I'm too "young". WHO are you? WHAT do YOU know about ME?

Are you the one waking up in a pool of water in the middle of the night feeling like a fish flopping around gasping for air? Are you the one that kicks all the covers off because you're so hot to reach out and yank them back up 10 minutes later because you're shivering? I don't think so.

Menopause is like this elite club that women can only enter when their body allows them to. But it's not the stage of life we all go running toward. As a baby, we couldn't wait to crawl, as a child to walk and run, as a teen to break free of our parents incessant nagging and control. We couldn't wait to be kissed for the first time or to go "all-the-way" with just the right person. (Okay, that may be a chick thing. For guys, it was just about going all-the-way at anytime with anyone.)

Marriage and children, for many, is another thing we are taught to strive for as yet another stage of freedom and accomplishment in our lives. Once we have our children, we look forward to the days of cherishing our children as we watch them drive away to pursue their own dreams. As we wave goodbye to our children, we begin looking forward to retirement and enjoying our "golden years" and our grandchildren.

The ONE thing we NEVER, EVER look forward to is MENOPAUSE. We associate menopause with sweating profusely at odd moments. Carrying a shawl around all the time because you just MIGHT get the chills while trying to eat dinner. (I've found it's difficult to enjoy your food when your teeth are chattering.) Even better, bursting into tears when someone looks at you and says, "You look really nice today", and then not being able to explain to them WHY you are in tears and that it really WASN'T something THEY said. Or the moodiness! Dear God! Like the moodiness that came with PMS and our teen years was just such a BLAST, LET'S DO IT AGAIN!!

What I have learned, however, it really isn't MENOPAUSE we fear and hate. It's PERIMENOPAUSE. The period (if you'll pardon the pun) BEFORE menopause. (Hence, the peri - clever of them to name it that way, huh?) Perimenopause is when you go to bed in nice clean sheets and wake up in a sweaty pool to find your "Aunt" suddenly decided to pop in for a vist all over your nice clean sheets. It's when everyone begins tip-toeing around you because they have NO idea of what will set you off next. It's never knowing how many or what size tampons you might need to bring along "just-in-case". (Speaking of that, I have a question Mr. Tampon Boxer. Why do you have multi-packs with Regular and Super, Super and Super-Plus, but no Regular and Super AND Super Plus? What about women in PERIMENOPAUSE that have all KINDS of stuff going on in the factory??? Obviously, the packaging of tampons was designed by either men -- or pre-perimenopausal women.

Menopause. Why, menopause is the DREAM. It is when there is no period. Period. No more carrying a tampon with you every single time you go to the bathroom 'cause you just NEVER know. It's when people begin to smile at you more often and you get invited to lunch again. It's when you go to sleep smelling nice clean sheets and wake up smelling them too. It's giving all your shawls away to charity because you don't need them anymore. Menopause represents freedom, Ladies.

Why, Ladies....Perimenopause is the admission price we all pay for Menopause. A high one, for sure, but definitely worth it in the end!
-----------------------------------------
SIDE NOTE: This piece was written as an attempt at humor over the perils of perimenopause that I am personally experiencing. It is intended to perhaps invoke a smile, or if I'm lucky, a laugh. Perimenopause can be a very serious stage in a woman's life. Learn everything you can about the symptoms and what you can do to best manage them. Be especially supportive of the women in your life who may be going through this stage. They need you to love them and be there for them.

Keri - this one took two hours... LOL

The REAL challenge we ALL face in 2010...

2010-01-06T21:34:00.000-05:00

For many years now, probably since I worked for the international joint venture company, I have written the date in the following format: YYYYMMDD

In 2009, this was not an issue. It is ONLY January and I've already realized how difficult the next nine months are going to be! It's the zero at the end of the year and the zero at the beginning of the month that is making it challenging. Not to mention the fact that for nine years we've been typing 200_ and NOW we have to start typing 201_; and during the first nine days of the month it's even trickier!! Think about it...

20100106

Okay, may not look too bad. (If you're a geek, it probably looks like code to you.) However, YOU try typing it. Pull up notepad and try typing todays date without pausing. Do it a couple of times kinda quick. Now, is it just me, or is that slightly challenging to get all the zeros in the right place??

20100106

I mean, isn't it bad enough we struggle with writing the previous year on things for a month or two at the beginning of the year. NOW, we have to worry about the order of a whole bunch of freakin' zeros!!

What do you think??? ;-P

my 2010 personal goals

2010-01-03T15:18:00.000-05:00

Count my Blessings: each night before I go to sleep, record in a journal at least one blessing from that day
Express Gratitude: say "thank you" at least once a day
Dream Bigger and Plan For It: choose something really special to do with Troy in 2011
Meditation: attend Vipassana retreat in late February/early March 2010
Special Occasions: purchase, sign, and mail cards at least one week prior to the event
Walk: stop talking about walking every night and start doing it
Develop Compassion: for myself and others
Accept: who I am
Complain Less: enough said
Spiritual Traditions: continue learning about Buddhism and other eastern traditions
Who Am I? get closer to the answer
Listen More: talk less
Relationships: love more and expect less
Work: show more patience and flexibility
Friendships: spend time reconnecting
Marriage: do something really special this year for our 25th anniversary
Happiness: spend more time making others happy
Wife: make Troy smile and know that he is loved
Mom: be the best Mom to Steven that I possibly can in whatever way he needs me
Family: spend more time sharing good times
Others: see the beauty in each person I know and meet
Laugh, Love, and Smile: more

Mike LaPorta

2010-01-03T11:13:00.000-05:00

Saw a name today that I had not seen or heard spoken in a very, very long time. Mike LaPorta. I was surfing Facebook looking at pictures when I stumbled across his name on a page.

Mike and I worked in the Presentations department for a small defense contractor in Orlando. Anyone who has ever worked in the Presentations department for a defense contractor knows that the hours can be long and demanding. Mike was the supervisor of our department and an overall great guy.

As people sometimes do, Mike and I got to know each other over the many months of long nights working on proposals and technical specs. We found we had very similar family history, except it was his mother that was paranoid schizophrenic, not his father. What are the chances of working with someone with a similar background that understands? Extremely rare. We also both struggled with major depression and the desire to just end it all when you hit those deep, dark bottoms and it feels as if the sun will never shine again. He understood me, mentally, in a way no one else had the ability to. He is the only person I could talk to about the suicidal feelings and he could really understand and he got it. We could talk about suicide as easily as people discuss what they had for dinner last night.

At that time, Troy and I worked for the same company as Mike, so Troy knew him as well. Early one morning Troy called to tell me he heard that Mike had successfully committed suicide. It was like a punch to my stomach. I could not believe what I was hearing. It is one memory, I have never lost. How I felt when I heard the news.

Mike and I talked and supported one another and discussed all the reasons why we shouldn't commit suicide. All the reasons why we should live. I never, ever had any indication that he would eventually commit suicide. I was completely devastated.

And yet, at the same time, I understood and envied his release. For that is how one sees it when you live with that desire to end your life. It is not the end, but a release from the emotional turmoil you live in.

I don't hate him for what he did. I truly understand. But I'm glad I've kept fighting all these years. I'm glad that I'm still around. But I do miss him. I miss the potential that he could have gotten the right help and lived a life filled with possibilities. Like I have and continue to do.

Wherever you are now, Mike, know that you have left a life-long impression on me. I hope you found the peace you sought. Rest easy, my friend. I love and miss you.

ToDo ToDay

2010-01-02T12:56:00.001-05:00

In honor of my list-making obsession (and due to a suggestion of a friend), here's the things I want to accomplish today:

Scrub bathroom floor
Scrub tub, shower walls, and shower door
Scrub bathroom sink and countertop
Rearrange livingroom like Troy and I have talked about doing it for over two weeks now
Hang Dikki-Jo pictures
Call Dave and Mom
Make brownies - done!
Clean kitchen - done!
Scrub kitchen floor

Um, yeah, we'll see how much I actually accomplish today!

Ode to the good 'ole Red White & Blue!

2010-01-02T12:26:00.000-05:00

In June last year, the "Throwback" versions of Pepsi and Mountain Dew were produced for a limited time. (You can click on the title to read a little 411 about Pepsi Throwback.) I was a little late in trying it since I thought it was just another one of those weirded out versions of Pepsi. I'm a Pepsi naturalist. I like good, old-fashioned Pepsi. None of that Cherry, Super-Strange tainted Pepsi for me. Once I realized what Throwback Pepsi was (I believe it was my son that enlightened me), I bought it everywhere I could find it. Unfortunately, it was at the end of the run and I didn't get many. I appealed to those around me, "If you find it, buy it for me!"

My hometown, Panama City, is considered "PC Territory". (Cute, huh? The play on PC? Panama City. Pepsi Cola. Ingenious, really.) But in my family, every freaking body drinks Coke. Both sides of the family even! I don't get it. I'm kind of an oddity in my family. As a child, my Grandmother always bought Tab and it was my utmost favorite drink. But when I discovered Pepsi, I never looked back.

So imagine my excitement when my son called me from work to announce they had Throwback Pepsi again! And even better! It's in the retro design of original Pepsi too!!! Hooray!!! I immediately had him buy all Walgreen had in stock (6 12-packs).

Troy and I went to Publix a couple of days ago and they had many, many 12-packs. More 12-packs than I have money. However, they are on sale, and I'm sure I can make quite a dent in that huge display.

This is my ode to the Red, White, and Blue!

Oh, how very much I do love you!

Coca-Cola just can't beat,

Pepsi Cola's natural sweet.

I'm not very good at writing ode's,

and this one's kinda short.

But Pepsi is the drink I choose.

Coke is something people snort!

Blessing #2309

2010-01-01T18:25:00.000-05:00

Having family and friends in my life that I can count on. Special blessing: there is more than one.

the LIST

2010-01-01T15:39:00.003-05:00

Anyone who really knows me, knows how much I love list-making! My Mom tells me I've been doing it since I was a little girl. Maybe it's part of the whole bipolar thing and the desire to control that which appears controllable around me. Either way, I love making lists.

So, one would reason, New Years Day would be an especially exciting time for me due to the custom of worldwide list-making. All over the world, people are embracing one of my passions. List-making! Prior to this year, I have always refused to make New Year Resolution lists because they were only a list of my future failures. Yeah, yeah, I know, not the best attitude, but, whatever. It is what it was.

This year, however, I have come to realize that we are all approaching our list making in the most wrong way ever!!! This revelation is in part due to my good friend Kevin. He posted his List of Goals for 2010 and after reading them, it gave me much to ponder. Many of our lists contain the end result, but few contain the hows or whys. When I read over Kevin's list, I noticed he had listed, not only the what, but the how and/or why. This, obviously, was a list he had given great thought to. How can you not admire a person who does something like that? As an obsessive list maker, I can only bow in such list-making greatness.

In all seriousness, it has given me a great deal to consider in the creation of my first annual "list". Perhaps my fatalistic view toward New Year Resolution lists was because I approached it all from the wrong way. I need to not only give thought to the end-result, but maybe a little more thought to the planning and implementation of manifesting desired end-results.

I HIGHLY recommend reading Kevin's list, HOWEVER, be prepared that if you do read it, you will come away thinking deep thoughts about what your personal goals are for the coming year! That is not a bad thing, though. :)

CLICK HERE to see Kevin's awesome list.

Happy New Year everyone!!!

May all beings be free

May all beings be peaceful

May all beings be happy

May all beings be safe

just keeping it together...

2009-12-18T09:37:00.001-05:00

Super busy the next two days and am trying to keep an even keel. i focalize tonight's medicine wheel ceremony. we probably won't get home and in bed until 1 or 2 am. then back up to decide which music to use for our 6 PM meditation saturday night and get laundry done before meditation. back home after meditation and in bed around 1 or 2 am again. then up early to drive to the panhandle so steven and i can visit my grandmother (his great-grandmother). it's about an 8 hour drive (ugh) but will be fun in my car. i love driving my car, so maybe it will make the trip a little less weary. of course, i'm sure steven can keep me entertained the whole way. he has lots to say on a wide variety of topics so there's always lots to talk about. i just have to keep him away from too much car talk! LOL

i am looking forward to the trip and seeing my family. hate the drive and wish we could stay longer, but things are busy here and i can't afford to be away for too long.

right now i'm in maintenance mode. i just push ahead so i can do what i've got to get done until i finally break through the other side. up side is that once i get to the farm on sunday, it will be pure relaxation. even one day there can be like a week on vacation anywhere else. i am looking forward to it!

status

2009-12-17T13:49:00.000-05:00

just a quick update. feeling a little blah. started feeling a little down yesterday and as the day went on it got heavier. on the upside, i actually cooked dinner for a change and with steven's help, dinner was eaten and dishes were washed by 8:30 last night.

i think i know what's brought this case of the blues on... the weather really doesn't help. i need sunshine!

got news my grandmother had a TIA (precursor to stroke) so steven and i are driving up on Sunday and will drive home on Tuesday. wish i could go for longer, but i have ceremony friday night and meditation saturday night. it will be good to see her and time on the farm ALWAYS makes me feel better.

WOW!! Alice In Wonderland trailer!!!

2009-12-11T19:09:00.000-05:00

WOW!!! Check out this preview to Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland!! OMG!! Release date March 5, 2010... and we'll be at the RETREAT!!! It will probably (hopefully) be at least a couple of weeks before I will be THAT reintegrated into reality!! I just might be joining Alice down that rabbit hole after spending 10-days in silence!! LOL

Looks like a movie that will be kickin' on the big screen, so I hope to see it in a theater...maybe even IMAX. If not, I'll just have to check it out on Steven's HDTV. If you click on the image to the right, you can see a larger version of the picture. WOW!!!

CLICK HERE to check it out!!

Post what you think after you watch it!

If you love me.....

2009-12-11T12:35:00.002-05:00

If you love me ... or want to understand me better ... please, please go to this web site and read about Bipolar Disorder. The author of the site has done a great job of breaking things down into a simple, easy-to-read format and she explains things quite elegantly. Bipolar-Lives.com

100% and Christmas/Holiday cards

2009-12-10T08:32:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling like myself again (whatever that is LOL) and am grateful. I know it's not the new med because it hasn't had time to start really working yet, but am grateful that the cycle is back on the upswing.

So this morning's topic is Christmas/holiday cards. We've only received a few so far, but have noticed that more and more people are no longer signing their holiday cards. Now you get either pre-printed names or labels stuck to the inside of the card.

Now, I realize that everyone is busy and if you have a lot of cards you want to send out it's a lot easier and quicker to use labels or pre-printed cards. Right or wrong, I have always wondered when nothing is handwritten in the card (such as the signature or at least a brief message with pre-printed cards/labels) if the sender really gave any thought to me/us when they sent it or if it's just the obligatory holiday card.

When I send out holiday cards, I always think of the person/people I am sending it to when I fill out the card for them. I handpick the design based on the individual and even if I write the same thing in every card, I always think of the person when I sign it.

Troy and I have a friend that we have not seen or spoken to in over 10 years, yet every single year she not only sends us a holiday card, but always handwrites a personal message. Every year when I open her card, I can feel the love and friendship she sealed in the envelope with it before she sends it to us. I know she put thought into her card and wishes to us; that they are heartfelt.

Maybe it's just me, but I've always been really funny about greeting cards. I cannot send a card that doesn't express how I truly feel about someone.

Maybe we all need to slow down and re-evaluate our friendships and the ones we send holiday cards to. Is it a general wish that is felt the same for all mankind? If so, then why a personal card? However, if it's truly heartfelt, then isn't the recipient worthy of at least your signature on the card?

Just my two cents. What do you think?? There is no right or wrong and I welcome others opinions on this topic.

Have a beautiful day!! And here's a little something to make you smile... if you can't read the card, just click on it and you'll get a larger image.

Today is a 70% day...not bad, but not quite 100% yet

2009-12-09T12:33:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling a little better today. Saw the doctor yesterday and we decided to add an anti-depressant, Lexapor. Someone I know was put on it who is also taking Lamictal (same as me) and has reported success with it, so I'm hopeful it will be the same for me. We should know in about 3 weeks since it takes that long for the medication to show any clear results.

Had a dream last night that definitely expresses the anxiety I am feeling. I dreamed I was at Fashion Square Mall shopping. I had gone to the bathroom a couple of times while I was there. Whenever I have my iPhone with me and I go to the bathroom, I usually like to check my mail, stuff like that. As I was walking through the mall I realized I had left my iPhone in the bathroom. Since I had been to more than one bathroom, I had no idea which I had left it in. However, I was in a hurry and needed to get somewhere so I thought I'd just check with the information desk later. (Not much I can do if someone stole it and didn't turn it in.)

So I walked out to the parking lot and my car was gone! Someone had stolen it! So I went back into the mall to go to the Information Desk and ask them to let me use their phone. As I'm talking to them I realize, "Oh yeah! I have Lo-Jack AND OnStar on my car!", so all I have to do is call Lo-Jack and they can locate my car for the police and OnStar can kill the engine. I reach into my purse to get my wallet which contains the ID card with the LoJack phone number and my vehicle VIN on it. Guess what was missing? My wallet! I had lost it as well!

Needless to say, made me a little nervous to leave the house today. I know that when I'm in the state of mind I am in right now, I have trouble focusing and keeping it together, so I easily misplace things.

However, I'm fairly certain I know where it all came from - definitely anxiety-induced. I feel guilty about the iPhone because it's an added expense for us. I also feel guilty about my car because it really made things tight for us. Missing wallet? Definitely, because I feel like there isn't enough money.

struggling a little bit here

2009-12-08T13:14:00.000-05:00

I see my doctor today, so that's a good thing. Still finding I can be just fine one minute, then just as easily flip and become depressed. Feeling a little anxiety and my chest is tight. Maybe he can give me something to help ease me through the holidays. I really do hate the holidays. I've already cut out giving gifts to anyone, but I still struggle with not being able to give. Even though the budget doesn't really change, it almost seems like I feel even more pressure with the budget during the holidays. Maybe just the reminder when I look at my bank balance that I can't do anything for anyone. This year, I'm even struggling just doing for Steven, and that REALLY stresses me out! Not to mention, what he wants is to expensive. *sigh*

Trying to take deep breaths. Right now, just trying to keep from bursting into tears. I hate fighting back the tears. And it's really hard for me to hide how I'm feeling so everyone at work thinks I'm not friendly, when all I'm trying to do is keep it together and not burst into tears.

Doesn't help that this is one of the more stressful times at work and it's not helping how I feel.

Drugs...drugs...give me drugs... Trying to meditate, and that helps, but it's a really struggle to keep the calm and balanced state of mind.

We'll see what the doc says..

Guang Ming Temple

2009-12-07T16:59:00.000-05:00

This is the temple Troy and I attend classes at. Love the accompanying music.

Guang Ming Temple from Guang Ming Temple on Vimeo.

Dark, damp, & dreary outside - Sunny skies inside

2009-12-05T17:25:00.001-05:00

It's wet, dark, dreary, and cold outside. This is the first Saturday in over three months that we don't have a commitment to do something or go somewhere. I guess when you are always on the go, you do learn to appreciate those rare moments that are commitment-free!

Right now, I'm cooking a pot of chili. I only fix my "special" chili, with it's highly addictive SECRET ingredient, when the weather is cold. The chili is almost ready, then I'm going to grab a bowl and sit in front of the tube for a little while. Then, well, who knows what I'll do next?!? There's a meditation package I've had for at least a year that I've wanted to dig into, so maybe that? Or maybe I can FINALLY finish the Buddhism book I've been reading for the past month so I can start reading another one.

Going to temple tomorrow morning for class, then off to work for a few hours. Hope you have a wonderful week end. Remember, it doesn't matter what it looks like outside - all that matters is how you feel INSIDE!

2012 and Tiger Woods

2009-12-04T11:16:00.005-05:00

You may wonder, what has 2012 got to do with Tiger Woods? I'll tell you what. I'm sick of hearing about both already!!!

What bugs me about 2012 is all the mis-information and fear associated with it. The Mayan's DID NOT forecast 2012 as the "end of the world". How in the world did "end of the Mayan calendar" become "end of the world"? (Anyway, what do you do when the year ends? You put up a new calendar!) They didn't forecast anything. They stated a fact. Their calendar ends in 2012. 2012 is the beginning of a new era based on Mayan prophecy. Astrologically, it is when we move from the Era of Aquarius to the Era of Pisces (if I recall correctly). Perhaps it's the word "prophecy" that we immediately associate with doom. What they are forecasting is HOPE. This is the same for the Hopi, Navajo, and many other cultures. They are forecasting that while these are tumultous times with earth changes, it is also a time when we are realizing that materialism is NOT all that matters. It is a belief that we will begin to turn inward and return to a time when family was important and we did believe it took a village to raise a child. I believe that we ARE seeing the sprouting of this now with our increased awareness of our impact on the environment, taking responsibility for the limited resouces on our planet (and yes, they are limited), and increased compassion. So, RELAX, 2012 IS NOT the end of the world.

Why not focus on what the true message of 2012 is? Changes in ourselves. Turning inward. Focusing on who we are and what our role is in the world. The return of balance between the masculine and feminine. What we are here to do. Surely it's not to collect material possessions. I don't believe whomever dies with the most toys wins.

Moving on to Tiger Woods. A lot bothers me about this. First, our fascination with celebrity train wrecks. I don't care if they are famous or role-models or anything else. They are human beings, first and foremost. How would YOU like having your mistakes dragged before the public and then being judged by them when people don't know ALL the facts??

Second, when I hear women, say, "Oh, if he cheated on me, I'd leave his ass." Wow. That says a lot. That says, "I love you, but not unconditionally. You can't make a mistake. You can't be at fault in any way. You must always be perfect." That's one reason why so many marriages fail today.

Third, we may have opinions of what we'd do or what they "should" do; but until you walk that path, you really DON'T know what you WOULD do!

Fourth, we DO NOT know all the FACTS of this relationship. Therefore, how can any of us comment or make judgement on it??? All we see is this hot looking lady and can't understand why in the world a man would cheat on someone so hot. If she were unattractive, then some would feel differently. I can hear people, "well, the girl he was cheating with IS a lot hotter than the one he's married to..."

Fifth, and this one definitely will upset some people. When a spouse cheats on the other, there is often fault on BOTH sides. Very seldom is the one cheated on completely innocent. I don't mean they have also cheated, but perhaps they are withholding affection? Come on ladies. How many times have you been pissed and said, "You ain't gettin none until I'm not angry at you anymore?" Women are DEFINITELY one's who will withhold the lovin' when they aren't getting what they want. Men, on the other hand, can be mad at you and make love to you at the same time. It's the way we're wired.

Most important of all, let's respect them and extend privacy to them even more now than before. They need it. Our continued desire and obsession with them is only making it more difficult for them to work out. Is it because we WANT the drama? If so, we are wanting drama at the cost of others. Don't forget. There are two innocent children also caught up in this drama. Do you really want to take an active part in contributing to the energy that keeps this spinning out of control? Or would you rather afford them the privacy to work it out and possibly keep two children from becoming two more victims of a broken home??

So...that's my rant for today. Please comment and share YOUR thoughts on these subjects! Carry on....

Scientists identify mental illness gene

2009-12-03T14:40:00.000-05:00

My brother-in-law had this article posted on Facebook. It's encouraging that they are making progress in identifying the dysfunctional gene. Hopefully we will see improvements to treatment for mental illnesses and less of the guess work!

(Click on the title above or here to go to the original article.)
An international team of researchers, led by the University of Edinburgh, compared genes of 2,000 psychiatric patients to 2,000 healthy people to pinpoint the 'ABCA13' gene.

They discovered it is partially inactive in patients suffering severe illnesses such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and depression.

The results suggest the gene plays a crucial role in maintaining brain health as scientists found it was faulty more frequently in patients with mental illness than the control group.

Identifying the genes that predispose people to psychiatric illness is considered the most important step in developing new ways to tackle the condition.

Lead researcher Douglas Blackwood, professor of Psychiatric Genetics at the University of Edinburgh, said the discovery would help the development of new drugs to treat mental illness.

He said: ''This is an exciting step forward in our understanding of the underlying causes of some common mental illnesses.

''These risk genes could signpost new directions for treatments.''

Dr Ben Pickard, of the University of Strathclyde, said the team believed ABCA13 influences the way fat molecules are used in the brain.

They are now focused on finding out exactly how that occurs.

Dr Pickard said: ''This study is the first to identify multiple points of DNA damage within a single gene that are linked with psychiatric illness.

''It strongly suggests that this gene may regulate an important part of brain function that fails in individuals diagnosed with these devastating disorders.''

The research results are published in the American Journal of Human Genetics.

being fully present

2009-12-03T12:10:00.001-05:00

As you can probably tell if you're reading my posts, I've been feeling better lately. Maybe the increase in meds has helped. I think part of my struggle with depression is due to the holidays. I usually have an extremely hard time coping during the holidays. Many people do.

I have also been sticking to my schedule of meditating every morning for 10-15 minutes before going to work. That also seems to be helping to keep me balanced and focused.

One of the things I've come to realize about my pursuit of mindfulness, is that it's a full time job!! You don't realize just how on auto-pilot we are a lot of the time until you direct your attention and focus to remaining mindful and aware of the moment you are currently experiencing. For me, I'm fully aware maybe 10% of the time.

A great example is talking on the phone. How many people actually sit down and focus their attention on nothing but the conversation on the phone? Many are multi-tasking: driving, reading their mail, picking up around the house, shopping, watching TV, etc.

Here's a challenge for you. The next time you are on the phone, try sitting still and putting your entire focus on the phone conversation. If you find yourself becoming impatient or fidgety, examine why you are feeling that way. Is it because you want to be doing something else? Is it because you really aren't interested in the conversation? Is it an obligation call? Is this person not worthy of your full and complete attention?

When we do not give our complete attention to whatever we are doing and/or try to multi-task, we are not fully present. Although multi-tasking would lend to the illusion that you are accomplishing a lot, you really aren't accomplishing anything. Whatever you are doing cannot be done to the best of your ability because it doesn't have your full attention. You are partially accomplishing.

Un-learning multi-tasking is very challenging. Not multi-tasking and giving your full attention to the task at hand, is very rewarding.

BS & t-shirts

2009-12-01T17:01:00.001-05:00

I just LOVE bumper stickers and t-shirts with sayings on them. So many wonderful, inventive, creative things have been expressed via bumper stickers and t-shirts. Unfortunately, bumper stickers are slowly going the way of "not cool" because they make your car look "junky". During a visit to Atlanta earlier this year, I noticed very few cars had bumper stickers. The same for Orlando. It's a dying way of expressing yourself. However, not one to worry about what others think, I also like sharing my thoughts with others via bumper stickers and t-shirts. I put my bumper stickers on magnets, then I can change them out based on my mood without damaging the resale value on my car. Here are a few I picked up from a catalog I got the other day. For your enjoyment...

Speak your mind even if your voice shakes! (This one I can personally relate to!)
You may say I'm a DREAMER but I'm not the only one
Reading is sexy... (on a nightshirt)
Tree Hugging Dirt Worshipper
Touch the Earth Gently
Oh, no-not another learning experience!
Lord, help me to be the person my cat thinks I am
Not all who wander are lost
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be
Choose to be optimistic...it feels better! The Dalai Lama
Change how you see, not how you look
We are defined not only by what we create, but by what we refuse to destroy.
The activist is not the one who says the river is dirty, but the one who cleans it up.
Faith is a journey--not a guilt trip
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
Don't assume I share your prejudices
To be truly radical is to make hope possible rather than despair convincing
Everything war can do, peace can do better
Good questions outrank easy answers
God was my copilot but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him
Question reality
God Bless the Whole World -- No Exceptions
What about a maximum wage?
Don't believe everything you think
It is horrifying that we have to fight our own government to save our environment
Religion is for people afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for those who have been there
Sorry I missed church. I've been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian
Don't get even. Get odd.
Remember who you wanted to be
It's easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. Fredrick Douglas
Ask your doctor if medical advice from a commercial is right for you
Bipartisanship: I'll hug your elephant if you'll kiss my ass
You don't have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just get people to stop reading them. Ray Bradbury
Zen Buddhism. Don't even think about it

Simplified Global Warming

2009-12-01T16:06:00.002-05:00

I agree with this guy. Does it really matter who's right and who's wrong? When we break it down to the basics of what happens with action or non-action, if we take steps to minimize our impact on the environment now, what does it truly hurt?

1,088 pages later...the KING LIVES!

2009-12-01T11:18:00.000-05:00

Troy and I stood before the display of Stephen King's new book, Under the Dome, at Barnes & Noble. I had a 50% off coupon in my wallet waiting to be used. Being that he is one of my favorite authors, I picked up the book and flipped to the inside jacket at the front of the book. Blank. Flipped to the inside jacket at the back of the book. Also blank. Looked at the back of the book. Blank. No where inside or on the outside of the book is there any description or summary of the book. Being the geeks we are, we pulled out our iPhones and had a competition to see who could find the book plot online.

Once I read that it was a story he originally started in the mid-70s, I was interested. I'm a fan of his old work - not real crazy about much he has written since The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon. His last few novels have seemed to return to his roots -- to the fiction I loved best. When I read Misery, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt as a Constant Reader. King always refers to his fans as Constant Reader, and like the character in Misery, I resented the exploration he wanted to do with his writing. Exploration that went outside the box he had written in, and that I had come to love, for the past 20 or so years of his career.

So I approached his new book as I have countless others over the past few years. An undying optimist, I keep hoping he will produce another book that will grab me "in the old way". Sometimes he comes close to that which my soul desires, but lately hasn't pulled me all the way in like he used to. With Under The Dome, he was quite successful. Once again, I sat, completely transfixed, unable to stop turning the pages.

Many, many years ago, I could connect so strongly with fictional characters that to stop reading felt as if I left their lives in limbo, waiting for me to return so they could continue living. Characters in a good book come alive for me. I love them, fear for them, cry with them, and loathe those that are meant to be loathed. In Under The Dome, King has written a masterpiece with one of the largest character development plots I have ever encountered. (Hence the 1,088 pages of a story that takes place in less than a one week time frame.)

I think George Lucas and Gene Rodenberry should utter a prayer of gratitude that King's talent and ambition never turned toward the Science Fiction genre. With Under The Dome, King more than proves that he could have given Lucas or Rodenberry a run for their money in developing worlds and plots with a multitude of characters. Don't misunderstand, I'm not trying to compare Star Wars or Star Trek to Under The Dome. But *I* have to give someone credit who can develop and maintain 50+ characters and provide the reader with the ability to become intimate with each character.

There are a couple of parts in the book that I felt were loose ends. I won't go into those here because I don't want to spoil it for anyone. No worries though. The loose ends do not detract from the overall greatness of this book.

A real page-turner that I literally could not put down! I started reading the book on Thursday evening. On Friday morning, I finally had to tear myself away so we could get dressed and head to the pow wow in Ocala. (We didn't get there until 4 o'clock as a result!) I still read the book as we drove up to the pow wow and probably would have read it on the way home if it hadn't been dark! Instead I slept on the way home and then stayed up as late as a I could reading once we got home again.

Sunday morning I woke up at 7 AM with a slight touch of diarrhea. (I hate that word. It has to be one of the hardest words to spell in the entire English language!) Since I was running to the bathroom every 30 minutes, I decided I'd just lay in bed and read for a while until I felt better. (Convenient, huh?) After Troy's fourth or fifth trip to the bedroom to check on me, he realized he wouldn't be seeing me until the book was finished. I could not tear myself away. So at 8:30 PM that evening (long after the diarrhea was gone), I finally read the last sentence.

Do I recommend it? Most certainly! Suggestion: it's a $35 hardcover book. I had a 50% off coupon for Barnes & Noble and thought I was getting a real steal of a deal. Yesterday I logged into Amazon.com and saw they are selling it for $14.50!!! (Although, I wonder how much shipping is with a book that heavy!)

If you do read it, let me know your thoughts. Comments are ALWAYS encouraged!

It's a time of Gratitude...

2009-11-20T12:52:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving is drawing near and now is the time when we all begin to reflect on our many blessings and what we are grateful for.

Xerox is offering online cards you can choose from and enter a personal message. The cards will be printed and delivered to the Troops. It's super easy and free to do. Won't you take a few minutes and send a thank you card to someone in the Armed Forces today?

http://www.letssaythanks.com/

The Longest Day Ever in the Whole Universe of Days

2009-11-13T15:41:00.002-05:00

Today I went to lunch with some of my very favorite co-workers and friends. Those are the best really, the ones you work with and enjoy hanging with too! So, we went really early today...11:30...to Annie's on Orange here in downtown O-Town. They have the YUMMIEST chicken stuffed with broccoli and cheese (or I was just extremely hungry)!! But I digress...or is that digest?

Anyway, for some INSANE reason we went to lunch at 11:30. Maybe it was a subconscious wish to avoid the company quarterly meeting? Either way, we went, we feasted, we laughed...A LOT...and we left. Back at the office by 12:40, even though we walked really, really slow so we had to wait for a train to pass before we could continue our trek back to the office.

NOW....our day is dragging by sooooooo slow. We have taken a common vow. NEVER GO TO LUNCH EARLY AGAIN!!!

Who Am I?

2009-11-13T14:14:00.000-05:00

Something I have been pondering a little more lately, especially now that I have decided to accept and embrace my bipolar disorder, is...Who Am I? This is an especially challenging question because it is complicated with the bipolar. I mean, of course, I know what my basic attributes are, but some of my other ones I wonder if they truly are who I am or if they are just manifestations of my disorder.

For example, I'd like to think I'm basically a happy person. But when I get uber-happy, is that mania or just that I'm feeling really good? Or when I get depressed, is that who I really am? Or maybe I am all of these things and none.

Maybe I should compile a list of what I "know" about myself?

What about you? How would YOU answer the question, "Who Am I"?

We Will Never Forget BUT We Will Learn to Forgive!

2009-11-13T09:38:00.002-05:00

I avoid the news as much as possible now. It's filled with so much negativity and most of what I read, the only thing I can do anyway is pray for those that suffer. Unfortunately, Yahoo! mail insists on keeping me informed by always popping up with their news page when I log into my mail account. So, I saw the above image this morning with the heading, "9/11 Suspects to be Tried in New York". With the timing, I can only assume that some who hung this banner may be hanging on to their anger and hatred from this tragic event (as are many other Americans). It made me start thinking (ouch! LOL) and this is what I thought would make a much better banner... How about:

We Will Never Forget
BUT
We Will Learn to Forgive!

And we wonder why there is so much hatred, fear, and war in our world?? I agree, we should always remember those that have passed, but unfortunately, too many people cling to the fear, hatred, and anger, too. It is time to learn to forgive. We claim to be a Spiritual and Christian nation, but seem to forget Master Jesus said to forgive.

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."
-Matthew 6:14-15

"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well."
-Matthew 5:38-40

The Human Route

2009-11-12T11:00:00.001-05:00

The Human Route

Coming empty-handed, going empty-handed -- that is human.

When you are born, where do you come from?

When you die, where do you go?

Life is like a floating cloud which disappears.

The floating cloud itself originally does not exist.

Life and death, coming and going, are also like that.

But there is one thing which always remains clear.

It is pure and clear, not depending on life and death.

What, then, is the one pure and clear thing?

-- Zen Master Seung Sahn

Symptoms of Inner Peace

2009-11-12T09:03:00.000-05:00

Symptoms Of Inner Peace

by Saskia Davis

A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences

An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment

A loss of interest in judging other people

A loss of interest in judging self

A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others

A loss of interest in conflict

A loss of ability to worry

Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation

Contented feelings of connectedness with others & nature

Frequent attacks of smiling

An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen

An increased susceptibility to love extended by others and the uncontrollable urge to extend it

Thought for the day: Inner Peace

2009-11-12T08:58:00.001-05:00

Inner peace is the key: if you have inner peace, the external problems do not affect your deep sense of peace and tranquility. In that state of mind you can deal with situations with calmness and reason, while keeping your inner happiness. That is very important. Without this inner peace, no matter how comfortable your life is materially, you may still be worried, disturbed or unhappy because of circumstances.

~The Dalai Lama

I can get flustered so easily when events happen, so this is a good sign to me that I do not have inner peace. That's why my life has been devoted to understanding myself and finding that inner peace. I am finding that Buddhism (the philosophy) has become an extremely valuable tool in my quest.

Have a Blessed day!

Happy 11.11.11 Day!

2009-11-11T10:03:00.001-05:00

Today is a magical number day! The date translates as 11.11.11 (you add the 2 and 9 together in the year)

In numerology this translates as: 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 0 + 0 + 9 = 15. Numerology continues adding numbers together until you have a single digit remaining so 1+5 = 6

If you add together 11 + 11 + 11 = 33

33 is considered a master number as the number 3 is associated with the trinity - God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit.

Adding the 3 + 3 = 6, you still get the single number 6 (same as the method used above).

6, in Vedic Astrology, stands for beauty and love. Embrace the ones you love and fully enjoy the beauty that is around you today. Sitting in a drab office? Look around! You will find beauty somewhere!!! You only have to look! (Of course, we should do this every day, but it's especially important today!)

Also remain mindful of the time of day: 11:11 AM and 11:11 PM. Since this is a full alignment (and will only happen twice today, once this year) these are powerful times for prayer and meditation!

I already know it's a powerful day for love. My hubby made lunch for me this morning. He never, ever does that or asks to. So believe in the power of love today!!

Have a Loving, Beautiful day!

Finally! Relief!

2009-11-05T16:02:00.000-05:00

Just a quick post that I am finally starting to feel more like myself. It's amazing, but it's almost like a switch is suddenly thrown and I can feel my mood beginning to lighten. I feel more like talking, joking around with the guys at work, and finding pleasure again in things that I usually enjoy.

This was a tough one, for sure. I spoke to the doctor's office on Monday and he approved increasing my medication (Lamictal) from 150 mg to 200 mg. I don't know if the improvement in my mood is due to the medication increase - or if it's just the natural course of the disorder. Doesn't matter why. All I know is that I am grateful that IT IS.

Each time I go through this and can successfully come out the other side of it, I learn something new. I realize now, and am working to accept, that I do have a serious mental illness. When I admit to someone that I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I always follow it with, "But I am a lower-level bipolar. I don't have it as bad as most do". Instead of minimizing, I have to learn to accept it and live with it ... peacefully. Peacefully, is the hard part.

I also realize the importance of a mood journal now also. I think I have actually been manic for a long time this year and have just finally hit the depressive point. Extended mania is unusual for me because I'm normally the more depressive type. I was just riding the wave and thinking, "Hey! I'm doing GREAT!" Now I realize that it was hypomania, which is eventually followed by depression.

A mood chart will help me chart my moods each day so I can review it over a period of time to see what my high and low periods are, as well as how quickly I'm cycling. I've been reviewing mood charts and am trying to develop something that is easy to use. An iPhone app would really be great because I always have my iPhone with me. If it's on the computer or written in a journal, then it's not as easy to access and more likely to fail.

I have also realized that I need to be much, much kinder to myself. If I don't feel like talking to people, then it's okay to say "no, I don't feel like talking". If I need to lie in bed and cry, then it's okay to lie in bed and cry. It's okay to do whatever I need to do to take care of myself - regardless of what others think I "should" do.

I've also come to realize the importance of meditation in helping me maintain my balance. I have successfully incorporated getting up earlier in the morning just so I can be sure I have my 10-minute centering meditation before I start my day. I also found getting up earlier removes the pressure of being on time to work in the morning. This also helps.

I realize that those who care about me only wish to help, however misguided they may be. I also realize that my expectations of those who are in my support system needs to change. For those that truly want to be a support system for me, they need to understand what I have a lot better than they currently do. Not just pop in with the, "hang in there", "tomorrow will be better", "this is only temporary" platitudes every now and then. They have to be a fully integrated part of my life. I also realize that this is a lot to ask of another person. Therefore, I do not expect it from anyone any more. If you are reading this and you want to be a support person, then YOU have to approach me and ask to be that person. Otherwise, do not be upset if I tell you I don't want to talk to you or if I don't return your phone calls. We all have to realize our own limitations and what we are willing to offer to another person, without compromising ourselves.

This really came home to me when I spoke to a woman after our Buddhism class on Sunday. She is dating someone who is bipolar and was talking about how difficult it is as a support person. It really made me think about my support system, what I expect, and what they expect in return.

The important thing is: I feel better!! One of the teachers in our Buddhism class told me, "You need to take a vacation from your mind". He's right. I think too much about things. It's okay to stop thinking and just be -- especially when I'm struggling with my disorder.

I'm learning...to just....be.... No future. No past. Just this moment right now....

windsong reflections

what is the point?

It's been a really, really long time since my last confession

Fa La La La La La La La La

The true Christmas Eve story

Social security fraud by whom?

Dreams of Children

Sweet Sylvia

Inspiration comes from the strangest places

Unbelievable weekend!

I NEED YOUR HELP PLEASE!

Peace is always found with family

it's interesting ...

panic attacks

lessons learned...they just never stop coming

Happy Father's Day, Daddy ...

i can't believe it..

mindfulness in action

what do you dig?

It was a much-needed St Augustine weekend ...

something scary

my friend

Remembering ...

it's always the first kiss...

i am an addict

Happy Friday!

new link to monitor mood swings!

Baby Bear had it right after all!

Break a leg! That's show biz talk, ya know...

Uh-oh, on the radio, ray-de-oh, ray-do-oh

Grandfather Oak Tree, may he live in pieces

you know when you are home

excited

it's just life ...

Quick update ...

saw this on Facebook

Doctor follow-up - more drugs

my life is a song

alive and kicking

you KNOW you can trust ME riiiggghhhttttt.......?

sometimes we see ourselves in others ... and it's not pretty ...

the Greatest Purse ... Ever

i am not like the other people in your life.

increase in med

geodon

i think it's the beginning of the end

the high metabolism

turning manic

my jaws ache

endless night

be thankful

In the Light of Love...

Beautiful crystal bowls played to Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujuah" & more

i am back

Good bye!

IPhone still dead

washed iPhone and our second video

10 things for 10 days

social engineering <> social networking

it's a mad world

things i can cook

the economy is so bad that...

mindfulness in action! you saw it here first!

1 good thing

just once...

10 Things I Love About Keri

I'm turning Japanese...

*snicker*

would someone please explain to me...

...and during THIS period....

The REAL challenge we ALL face in 2010...

my 2010 personal goals

Mike LaPorta

ToDo ToDay

Ode to the good 'ole Red White & Blue!

Blessing #2309

the LIST

just keeping it together...

status

WOW!! Alice In Wonderland trailer!!!

snicker