Sweet Sylvia

This week came to a close with the realization that I have a lot to learn and do in a very limited amount of time.  I can see overtime looming in my immediate future.

Saturday morning we awoke to find our 16-year old (not 14, as previously reported elsewhere) Himalayan, Sylvia, with her legs straight and stiff.  She was unable to stand or walk and was not even attempting to. She did not appear to be in any pain and was purring in no time when stroked, so that is a good thing.

We rushed her to our vet's office and was fortunate our favorite vet, Dr Hess, was there.  They took Sylvia right back to assess her.  Troy and I both dreaded what we knew was inevitable. We just couldn't understand what had happened to her.  She's not a climbing cat and is what we call a "hider".  She chooses different hiding places and lives there everyday only coming out to eat, drink, poop, and pee.  She chooses a spot and lives there for 6-9 months and then moves on to another one.  At one time it was a litterbox.  EWWW!  Needless to say, she didn't stay in that one 6 months!  We couldn't understand any way she would have gotten an injury on her spine since she doesn't climb or jump and just stays hidden.

Dr Hess came in and confirmed what we already knew.  He said the cause was a blood clot and that there was nothing to be done.  He said it's time to let her go, but I already knew that too.

It's so hard letting go of any of our kitties.  They truly are members of our family.  We talk to them all the time and sometimes they answer back.  Like Sam.

Each one of them is special to us.  Some say cats don't have personalities, but I promise you, I am an expert on this subject and our cats do.  They each have quirks and pecularities.  But we love them each and everyone.

We were given a few minutes alone with Sylvia before the shots were given.  We each petted her and cried, telling her how much we love her and how special she is. She was alert, in no pain, sitting up and purring.  After a little time, Dr Hess returned and gave her the first shot to relax her and put her into a twilight sleep. 

I leaned over, cradling her head in my hands.  I placed my cheek against her fur so she could smell someone familiar as she took her last breath.  I continued whispering to her, telling her how much I loved her, how special she was, and how grateful I was she shared her life with us.  As I whispered to her the drug from the second shot sent her peacefully along.  As she took her last breath, my cheek was against hers and I continued telling her how beautiful she was, how much we loved her, how grateful we are, and told her to look for the little kitties like Sam that she could now chase.

Does she hear me? Does she understand?  I do not know and will probably never know. But I do know that it makes me feel better.  It's hard to watch a pet be put to sleep, but being with her as she took her last breath makes me feel I kept my promise to care for her to the very end.

Rest in peace, Dear Sylvia.  Beautiful princess.

We love you.

Until we meet again ...
Namaste

Inspiration comes from the strangest places

I have a family member that is really struggling with things in her young life.  I am trying to reach out to her, but am not sure how.  It hurts my heart to see her struggling as she is.

She is on my mind a lot.  I remember being a confused, angry, misunderstood (more by myself than others), and frustrated teen.  I am constantly wondering, "How can I reach her?  How can I tell her all the things I've learned that helped me overcome those feelings, for there is so much to share?"  I have been composing a letter in my head to her, but cannot seem to condense it enough to keep her interest long enough to read the whole thing.

The other day I was speaking to a friend of mine about one of my personal philosophies of life.  She told me, "You are so wise".  While I don't feel wise, and may not be college-educated or very smart, I do feel like I've been through a lot in my life and have come through the other side.  It's more liked "experienced, paying attention and learning". 

So the combination of these things have gotten me to thinking.  I've always felt destined to write a book and have attempted to sit down and do so a number of times.  But it just didn't seem to come each time I sat down.  I've had general ideas.  My drive and passion has always been to share my "unique" experiences with others that may help them or encourage them.  I don't believe I have all the answers, but do believe I have a few to some of the tougher questions.

I keep feeling these little prods to write my book.  Just feels like when the time is right, when I've learned whatever else it is I need to learn to share with others, then the book will flow.

I feel like I'm getting close ..... and if it will help my family member, then it feels even more important now than ever before. 

Unbelievable weekend!

It was such a great weekend!  Saturday night meditation was amazing!  We had two 45-minute sessions and during those I was able to reach those rare moments you experience in meditation.  You cannot try to create them, they just come naturally when you reach the right state of mind.

During differents points of the meditation, I would feel "detached" from my physical body.  It felt as everything in the physical was connected, but the true essence of "I", while a part of it, was also independent of it.  It was like being a an ocean and feeling water around you.  You are surrounded by it, you are primarily made up of water, but you still feel independent of the ocean.

I felt so wonderfully relaxed and calm after our meditations.

We got up Sunday morning and had a lazy morning.  At 2, we went to visit friends of ours.  We had the most amazing and relaxing time.  I really enjoyed spending time with them.  They are one of those few couples you feel completed comfortable with.

This morning, I was able to squeeze in a good 30-minute meditation.  That felt good and felt as if I tapped into a little bit of the good feeling I got from Saturday nights meditations.

Great weekend.  Feeling refreshed this morning.  Hopefully, it will last.  At least, until lunch time!  LOL

Have a beautiful day!

I NEED YOUR HELP PLEASE!

Conversing with a co-worker and thinking about everything that looms ahead.  It is true.  If I can just remain focused on today, I WILL always be okay.  It's a lot easier to breathe this way ...

Help me come up with a quick mantra - no more than four words - that I can repeat to remind me to focus only on today.  Post your suggestions as a comment on my blog website.

THANKS!

Peace is always found with family

HI THERE!  Yep, I'm still alive and kickin', so-to-speak.  Life has been one heck of a rollercoaster these past six months.  Heck, this year has been a rollercoaster, but the past six months have been even more challenging.  Things at work are beyond stressful, but I think I am handling it well.

My company was sold to another company, so as all acquisitions go, there is always fear and uncertainty on the "Buyee" side.  I am more fortunate than many of my co-workers because I am the only person left in the company who can support our primary software system that we operate with.  I don't think I have to fear losing my job at this point.  For me, it's more fear of the overwhelming and crushing responsibility I am assuming.  I am trying to remain positive and upbeat and realistic.  The next six months will probably be the most difficult and challenging of all.  I have worked on developing a mindset that I will do everything I can to be supportive during the next six months with the expectation that it won't be easy.  I find dealing in reality always seems to work better.  As long as I can develop an action plan (which I have), then it is all I have control over.  Since it is all I have control over, then it is my primary focus and a lot less frightening than thinking about all the responsibility and "what ifs" that could happen.

In anticipation of the upcoming challenges, Troy and I snuck in a long weekend with my family in the panhandle.  We drove up Wednesday.  Thursday morning my Mom and step-Father drove to Panama City to look at a van they have being customized while Troy and I slept in.  When I woke up, I began to have one of the anxiety attacks I have avoided for a while.  It really surprised me because it came on quickly and began to ramp up.  I told Troy what I was feeling and he just pulled me into his arms and held me.  I clung to him for dear life and he held me until I pulled away.  I was shocked to find that just from him holding me close, the anxiety had eased and I felt like I could breathe again.

I think it was because I have been living with the stress at work for a couple of months now and have been holding it together because I didn't want the negative to consume me.  Once I got somewhere that I could relax and let my guard down, it all came rushing out.  Once I got past it, I was fine for the rest of the visit until the morning we were preparing to drive home.  I had to really work at putting all the fear and anxiety out of my mind as I thought of what lies ahead for the next six months.  If I look at six months, I can't breathe.  If I can focus on only today, I can manage it.  One day at a time, Sweet Jesus.

During my visit I had an emotional experience with one family member that led to understanding and compassion I did not have before.  It is extremely personal and I do not wish to divulge details here.  Just believe me when I say, it was more profound of an experience than I ever would have anticipated.  It was healing and brought me a sliver of the peace I have sought for most of my self-tortured life.  For that experience alone, it was well worth the trip.  You cannot assign value to an experience like that because it truly is priceless when it leads to self-discovery and growth.

I also got to see two cousins and an uncle I have not seen in 18 years.  When I last saw my cousins they were about 10 years old.  I spent time with my Grandmother and a lot of time with my Mom.  I cannot express how I feel in my heart right now as I think of all of them and the time we spent together.

It is true.  We can search everywhere: drugs, alcohol, money, sex, power, religion...but nothing can bring you the peace that Family can.  No matter who we are.  No matter what our life is like.  When you have family that loves and supports you, you need nothing else.  It's just too bad that some of us forget along the way.  The good news is, we always have the opportunity to wake up and realize what we've truly got.

I've got to go now.  I think I smell the coffee.....    ;)

Have a Blessed day!