Guess why I'm back...?

Haven't been to this blog in a very long time and since it's time/date stamped, well, there's just no getting away from the truth. 

It's also interesting to return after such a long period of time.  The days, and cumulatively, my past, quickly fade away into a mist, leaving it unclear and shadowy.  It is one reason I blog and write and have about 50 partially-filled journals lying around the house.  To remember.

The other is to allow the poison inside to ooze out.  I'm afraid, that if I didn't let it ooze out and kept it all inside, it would eventually consume me and I wouldn't be me anymore.

So this post, this reminder of my blog, is to share my latest experience.  This one is about the depressive side of bipolar disorder.

I posted the below on FB to a limited group of friends.  Any time I write about my illness and my experiences, I am hopeful there is just one single person I can touch.  Not touch as in a feel-sorry-for-poor-pitiful-Karen way.  But touch, as in, bringing awareness and understanding to those that do not have the capacity to fully understand (e.g., non-afflicted) so they can help those around them that are already fully aware and understand because they do experience it.

A very dear friend of mine commented on my FB note and what she said touched me and reminded me of this blog.  Then I realized, I was able to touch, the way I wanted to touch, another person with that one note.  That would be my dream.  If I can touch just one person and bring them awareness or understanding, then I feel validated.  Thank you so much, Dee, for seeing me and not judging me. For being open to understanding and for your compassion.  Thank you for inspiring me.  For reminding me of something I had forgotten. 

If I can express what I experience in a way that those who feel the same things can relate to, then I am no longer alone because one more person saw me and truly understood me in a way that friends and loved ones can't, no matter how hard they try.  And, hopefully, that person doesn't feel so alone either.

So, the blog is and always will be here.  I'll pop in and out as life and moods dictate.  Heh, kinda sounds bipolar, don't it?  haha

Here's the FB note.  I offer this to you.

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I once saw a Swami who is a very intelligent and wise man. He spoke in parables, much like Jesus did. He would always start with, "A little story..."

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So, I share with you now, "a little story". I am not sharing this with everyone and if you are one I chose to share with, please, please respect my privacy and do NOT share this with anyone. If you cannot make me that promise now, please do NOT continue reading. Also, if you cannot read this with an open mind, stop here now.
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The below may be shocking for some, sound self-pitying to others, crazy (haha), thought-provoking (hopefully!), or, even better, enlightening. Enlightening about the intense struggle with bipolar disorder.
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I don't tell just anyone about my diagnosis. Most just don't understanding. I hope that what I've written will help those who read it gain more insight into the rollercoaster of the mind. What I have written is not specifically about bipolar, but more about the period of depression. Anyone who has ridden that dark train, or, as Dexter so eloquently and accurately describes it, with our "Dark Passenger", understands.
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I recently had the worst crash I have had in many, many years. It was frightening in its intensity alone. After an approximately 2 month build up (or is that down?) I crashed. Hard. I literally do not remember 2-1/2 days of my life. No memory at all. Just red-blood rage, anger and hatred. The desire to smash and destroy conflicting with the need to love and nurtrue.
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Thank everything that is available to show gratitude toward, I have Troy. When I was falling apart, when I felt as if I would splinter into a million little pieces and like Humpty Dumpty, never put them back together again, Troy lay next to me for hours and just held me tight, kept me safe. Keeping me from falling deeper into that hole and shattering on the floor. Losing myself. Forgetting who I am. That I am loved. That I am safe. That I am NOT alone in this struggle.
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I am doing much better now. I'm coming out of the hole, the dark tunnel, the abyss again. It will be back. But, each time, I will kick and fight until I come back out the other side. There is talk of suicide in the below, but please do not be alarmed. The thought is not present now. And, yes, I am taking my medication (I NEVER miss it!), AND I have an appointment with my new psychiatrist Monday. So, all is well.
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Also, I am not looking for "kudo" comments or anything else. I want to know I've reached you, touched you, and just maybe, gave you a little, tiny glimpse into our lives as bipolars.
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This was written the morning after I broke. I wrote it without edit and just let the words flow from my fingertips. It is raw, but it is from my soul.
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Depression ...

Imagine a deep, deep, dark, black hole and you are in the bottom of it. If it were earthen, you might feel safe, as in a womb. But it is not earthen.
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It is a black substance you cannot describe. It surrounds you, not like a warm and comforting blanket, but smothering. You cannot breath, therefore you cannot scream. You cannot see, your eyes are gaping in the darkness that surrounds you. You are cold and yet you do not shiver. The cold you feel is not on your skin, but deep in your soul. As if you have lost yourself, but don't even realize it because you no longer have an identity.
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The only thing you have are the tortorous words that circle endlessly in your mind and the tears that slide down your cheeks, angrily consumed by the hatred that surrounds you.
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No one can reach you. You hear words, you hear the phone, but it is as if it is far away and just the buzz of an insect. You are too tired to interpret and too weary to answer the phone.
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How does one describe losing their sanity? Feeling a rage consume you for no other reason than pure hatred pouring out of you. Not knowing up from down and left from right. Thinking you can actually move and lift a 120-lb TV from a dresser onto an armoire that is 6-feet tall. Looking at the bruises on your arms and knees in the morning and wondering where in the world they came from. Completely forgetting about the TV you almost dropped on yourself.
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Losing track of time. Feeling lost in your head. Like you don't know yourself or anyone else any more. Fear. Anxiety. Panic. You never know when or if you will come out the other side because you don't even realize you have a momentary lapse of sanity, until you come out the other side. You never know what will save you. You never know what to expect afterward.
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I am fortunate. I had someone to hold me and say nothing. Just hold me tight, exactly how I needed to be held tight so I could keep myself together, so I wouldn't fall apart. Thank God I have him. Thoughts of death had already begun to dance in my mind, so pretty in all that black. I hadn't seen the dancers in years.
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Now I have to decide what to tell my boss who scheduled a 10 AM meeting with me shortly after reading the email I sent stating I would be out of the office yesterday. Should I tell her? Will she understand? Instinct says not. Or is it fear?
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This is life for someone with a mental illness. Sometimes we can act just like everyone else and you never know we are there. But when we break, when we can't keep it together for reasons beyond our control, then you see us. You see us and you judge us.
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Because you don't know what it's like to live with a Dark Passenger who can take control whenever it likes. You can never know. I'm glad you don't and hopefully never will. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
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What I wish is people could be more compassionate when someone says they have a mental illness. They could feel the same compassion for someone mentally ill as they do for someone who has a heart attack or is diabetic.
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I wish mental illness didn't exist.
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But it does. And we continue to hide. In the darkness.
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And we do.
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I share this now because it is raw. As quickly as possible I scramble from these moments in my life, putting as much distance as possibly, so I can once again, fool myself into thinking, I'm just like everyone else.
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Sane.

what is the point?

does age make us wiser
does religion make us better

can love heal all hurts
can time heal all wounds

must we forgive to forget
or do we forget to forgive

does joy follow pain
or does pain follow joy

are we absolutely sure
nothing is absolute

can we love what we fear
or fear what we love

happiness is not something you find

outside the inside of your mind

what rages through your soul
a banshees wail or a lovers scream

does it always feel real
or does it really feel always

if you look up and i look down
who is left to look around

who is right
who is wrong

black and white thinking
shadows on the wall

a veil of truth surrounds me
i hide my face in shame

what once was hidden
can now be seen again

It's been a really, really long time since my last confession

Things have been pretty rocky the past six months.  There is a lot of instability where I work and everyone is trying to find some even ground to stand on.  Things have changed for me and I'm hopeful again.

This past weekend was one of the best I've had in a long time.  Troy and I had an easy Saturday, spending money we probably shouldn't have.  But, hey, that income tax refund should be in our account this Friday.  :)

We were so relaxed.  The weather was beautiful beyond description this weekend.  When we were out and about on Saturday, we met so many people who were friendly and smiling.  Seems everyone was happy to have a break from the dreary, cold weather.  We even sold a litter box at PetsMart!  A couple was looking for a litter box and we gave them our *expert* opinion of which one was best.  We really should do an info-mercial and get commission on them!

We went to Barnes & Noble to get me another Nook charger.  Troy has been after me since I got it to get a second charger so I can leave one at work and one at home. Then I don't have to tote one back and forth every day.  The clerk behind the register was so nice and friendly.  She asked about Troy's castle necklace and loved his nature Tao t-shirt.  She thanked us for coming in and said we had such positive energy.  She said it was a nice note to end her night on.

Troy says when I'm happy I glow.  I definitely felt like I was glowing Saturday.  I have hope again for my job.  I spent the whole day relaxing and having a good time with my best friend and soul mate.  The weather was beautiful with a slight breeze.  Anyone who knows me knows how much I love the wind.

Hope you are doing well.  Peace.

Fa La La La La La La La La

The true Christmas Eve story

'Twas the night before Christmas and out on the ranch
The pond was froze over and so was the branch.
The snow was piled up belly-deep to a mule.
The kids were all home on vacation from school,
And happier young folks you never did see-
Just all sprawled around a-watchin' TV.
Then suddenly, some time around 8 o'clock,
There came a surprise that gave them a shock!
The power went off, the TV went dead!
When Grandpa came in from out in the shed
With an armload of wood, the house was all dark.
"Just what I expected," they heard him remark.
"Them power line wires must be down from the snow.
Seems sorter like times on the ranch long ago."
"I'll hunt up some candles," said Mom. "With their light,
And the fireplace, I reckon we'll make out all right."
The teen-agers all seemed enveloped in gloom.
Then Grandpa came back from a trip to his room,
Uncased his old fiddle and started to play
That old Christmas song about bells on a sleigh.
Mom started to sing, and 1st thing they knew
Both Pop & the kids were all singing it, too.
They sang Christmas carols, they sang "Holy Night,"
Their eyes all a-shine in the ruddy firelight.
They played some charades Mom recalled from her youth,
And Pop read a passage from God's Book of Truth.
They stayed up till midnight-and, would you believe,
The youngsters agreed 'twas a fine Christmas Eve.
Grandpa rose early, some time before dawn;
And when the kids wakened, the power was on..
"The power company sure got the line repaired quick,"
Said Grandpa - and no one suspected his trick.
Last night, for the sake of some old-fashioned fun,
He had pulled the main switch - the old Son-of-a-Gun!
- Anonymous

Social security fraud by whom?

MSNBC recently reported about the widespread misuse of social security numbers.  Our "unique" identifier.  According to research done by a large credit services bureau, they determined 1 in 7 Americans have had their SSN used by someone else.  (http://redtape.msnbc.com/2010/12/odds-someone-else-has-your-ssn-one-in-7.html)

Something the article doesn't discuss is, what happens to the social security taxes paid on those misused SSNs? 

Basically, it goes to the government as "unclaimed taxes".  Just think about how much money that is every year that employees AND employers pay into the social security fund that will go unclaimed.

If I've figured that out, you can't tell me the government hasn't figured it out as well.  So, just what ARE they doing with that extra money?

Dreams of Children

Read me first so this blog makes sense: 
The Dream Act (http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/orange/os-dream-act-immigration-bill-20101130,0,4438059.story)
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The thing about kids is, they are at the mercy of their parents.

They live were we tell them to live, eat what we tell them to eat (for the most part), and go to school where we send them to school. Children of illegal immigrants are no different.

Right, wrong, or indifferent and as much as you may dislike the saying, "It is what it is", well, it is exactly what it is. 

Or, exactly what is it? 

We have illegal immigrant children who have attended our schools and received educations.  Children who continued on to college and received college degrees.  Children who identify more with American culture than that of their parents birth. 

Educated adults who cannot get legal jobs so they may contribute to our society and economy.

We want to punish them because of what their parents did. 

We want to cut off our nose to spite our face.

Hello?  These children have attended our schools and received good educations.  They are capable of being productive members of our society.  They can pay taxes, buy goods at local vendors, and volunteer.  So, let's throw them all out now.

I guess, in a way, that could be good for other countries.  They could benefit from the education our country provided those children.

How many illegal immigrant children are in the US today?  No one knows, except the answer seems to be, "a lot".  Do we know who they all are?  No.  So what is the reality of rounding them all up and getting them out?  Does everyone understand what an "exercise in futility" is?  Okay.  Let's move on.

Basically, our systems have become irrelevant and instead of trying to move forward and fix it, we would rather waste time punishing people who could, right now, today, be contributing even more to our society and our economy.

They are already here.  Why not give them a chance and save ourselves all the paperwork and wasted money spent on immigration applications and the process to give them a piece of paper that makes them "legal" - or the massive amount of money (our country doesn't have) to throw them out?

...and if you're afraid they'll take jobs away from legal immigrants, then maybe a little internal competition would be good for the growth of our country?  After all, isn't that what capitalism and democracy is all about? 

Sweet Sylvia

This week came to a close with the realization that I have a lot to learn and do in a very limited amount of time.  I can see overtime looming in my immediate future.

Saturday morning we awoke to find our 16-year old (not 14, as previously reported elsewhere) Himalayan, Sylvia, with her legs straight and stiff.  She was unable to stand or walk and was not even attempting to. She did not appear to be in any pain and was purring in no time when stroked, so that is a good thing.

We rushed her to our vet's office and was fortunate our favorite vet, Dr Hess, was there.  They took Sylvia right back to assess her.  Troy and I both dreaded what we knew was inevitable. We just couldn't understand what had happened to her.  She's not a climbing cat and is what we call a "hider".  She chooses different hiding places and lives there everyday only coming out to eat, drink, poop, and pee.  She chooses a spot and lives there for 6-9 months and then moves on to another one.  At one time it was a litterbox.  EWWW!  Needless to say, she didn't stay in that one 6 months!  We couldn't understand any way she would have gotten an injury on her spine since she doesn't climb or jump and just stays hidden.

Dr Hess came in and confirmed what we already knew.  He said the cause was a blood clot and that there was nothing to be done.  He said it's time to let her go, but I already knew that too.

It's so hard letting go of any of our kitties.  They truly are members of our family.  We talk to them all the time and sometimes they answer back.  Like Sam.

Each one of them is special to us.  Some say cats don't have personalities, but I promise you, I am an expert on this subject and our cats do.  They each have quirks and pecularities.  But we love them each and everyone.

We were given a few minutes alone with Sylvia before the shots were given.  We each petted her and cried, telling her how much we love her and how special she is. She was alert, in no pain, sitting up and purring.  After a little time, Dr Hess returned and gave her the first shot to relax her and put her into a twilight sleep. 

I leaned over, cradling her head in my hands.  I placed my cheek against her fur so she could smell someone familiar as she took her last breath.  I continued whispering to her, telling her how much I loved her, how special she was, and how grateful I was she shared her life with us.  As I whispered to her the drug from the second shot sent her peacefully along.  As she took her last breath, my cheek was against hers and I continued telling her how beautiful she was, how much we loved her, how grateful we are, and told her to look for the little kitties like Sam that she could now chase.

Does she hear me? Does she understand?  I do not know and will probably never know. But I do know that it makes me feel better.  It's hard to watch a pet be put to sleep, but being with her as she took her last breath makes me feel I kept my promise to care for her to the very end.

Rest in peace, Dear Sylvia.  Beautiful princess.

We love you.

Until we meet again ...
Namaste

Inspiration comes from the strangest places

I have a family member that is really struggling with things in her young life.  I am trying to reach out to her, but am not sure how.  It hurts my heart to see her struggling as she is.

She is on my mind a lot.  I remember being a confused, angry, misunderstood (more by myself than others), and frustrated teen.  I am constantly wondering, "How can I reach her?  How can I tell her all the things I've learned that helped me overcome those feelings, for there is so much to share?"  I have been composing a letter in my head to her, but cannot seem to condense it enough to keep her interest long enough to read the whole thing.

The other day I was speaking to a friend of mine about one of my personal philosophies of life.  She told me, "You are so wise".  While I don't feel wise, and may not be college-educated or very smart, I do feel like I've been through a lot in my life and have come through the other side.  It's more liked "experienced, paying attention and learning". 

So the combination of these things have gotten me to thinking.  I've always felt destined to write a book and have attempted to sit down and do so a number of times.  But it just didn't seem to come each time I sat down.  I've had general ideas.  My drive and passion has always been to share my "unique" experiences with others that may help them or encourage them.  I don't believe I have all the answers, but do believe I have a few to some of the tougher questions.

I keep feeling these little prods to write my book.  Just feels like when the time is right, when I've learned whatever else it is I need to learn to share with others, then the book will flow.

I feel like I'm getting close ..... and if it will help my family member, then it feels even more important now than ever before. 

Unbelievable weekend!

It was such a great weekend!  Saturday night meditation was amazing!  We had two 45-minute sessions and during those I was able to reach those rare moments you experience in meditation.  You cannot try to create them, they just come naturally when you reach the right state of mind.

During differents points of the meditation, I would feel "detached" from my physical body.  It felt as everything in the physical was connected, but the true essence of "I", while a part of it, was also independent of it.  It was like being a an ocean and feeling water around you.  You are surrounded by it, you are primarily made up of water, but you still feel independent of the ocean.

I felt so wonderfully relaxed and calm after our meditations.

We got up Sunday morning and had a lazy morning.  At 2, we went to visit friends of ours.  We had the most amazing and relaxing time.  I really enjoyed spending time with them.  They are one of those few couples you feel completed comfortable with.

This morning, I was able to squeeze in a good 30-minute meditation.  That felt good and felt as if I tapped into a little bit of the good feeling I got from Saturday nights meditations.

Great weekend.  Feeling refreshed this morning.  Hopefully, it will last.  At least, until lunch time!  LOL

Have a beautiful day!

I NEED YOUR HELP PLEASE!

Conversing with a co-worker and thinking about everything that looms ahead.  It is true.  If I can just remain focused on today, I WILL always be okay.  It's a lot easier to breathe this way ...

Help me come up with a quick mantra - no more than four words - that I can repeat to remind me to focus only on today.  Post your suggestions as a comment on my blog website.

THANKS!

Peace is always found with family

HI THERE!  Yep, I'm still alive and kickin', so-to-speak.  Life has been one heck of a rollercoaster these past six months.  Heck, this year has been a rollercoaster, but the past six months have been even more challenging.  Things at work are beyond stressful, but I think I am handling it well.

My company was sold to another company, so as all acquisitions go, there is always fear and uncertainty on the "Buyee" side.  I am more fortunate than many of my co-workers because I am the only person left in the company who can support our primary software system that we operate with.  I don't think I have to fear losing my job at this point.  For me, it's more fear of the overwhelming and crushing responsibility I am assuming.  I am trying to remain positive and upbeat and realistic.  The next six months will probably be the most difficult and challenging of all.  I have worked on developing a mindset that I will do everything I can to be supportive during the next six months with the expectation that it won't be easy.  I find dealing in reality always seems to work better.  As long as I can develop an action plan (which I have), then it is all I have control over.  Since it is all I have control over, then it is my primary focus and a lot less frightening than thinking about all the responsibility and "what ifs" that could happen.

In anticipation of the upcoming challenges, Troy and I snuck in a long weekend with my family in the panhandle.  We drove up Wednesday.  Thursday morning my Mom and step-Father drove to Panama City to look at a van they have being customized while Troy and I slept in.  When I woke up, I began to have one of the anxiety attacks I have avoided for a while.  It really surprised me because it came on quickly and began to ramp up.  I told Troy what I was feeling and he just pulled me into his arms and held me.  I clung to him for dear life and he held me until I pulled away.  I was shocked to find that just from him holding me close, the anxiety had eased and I felt like I could breathe again.

I think it was because I have been living with the stress at work for a couple of months now and have been holding it together because I didn't want the negative to consume me.  Once I got somewhere that I could relax and let my guard down, it all came rushing out.  Once I got past it, I was fine for the rest of the visit until the morning we were preparing to drive home.  I had to really work at putting all the fear and anxiety out of my mind as I thought of what lies ahead for the next six months.  If I look at six months, I can't breathe.  If I can focus on only today, I can manage it.  One day at a time, Sweet Jesus.

During my visit I had an emotional experience with one family member that led to understanding and compassion I did not have before.  It is extremely personal and I do not wish to divulge details here.  Just believe me when I say, it was more profound of an experience than I ever would have anticipated.  It was healing and brought me a sliver of the peace I have sought for most of my self-tortured life.  For that experience alone, it was well worth the trip.  You cannot assign value to an experience like that because it truly is priceless when it leads to self-discovery and growth.

I also got to see two cousins and an uncle I have not seen in 18 years.  When I last saw my cousins they were about 10 years old.  I spent time with my Grandmother and a lot of time with my Mom.  I cannot express how I feel in my heart right now as I think of all of them and the time we spent together.

It is true.  We can search everywhere: drugs, alcohol, money, sex, power, religion...but nothing can bring you the peace that Family can.  No matter who we are.  No matter what our life is like.  When you have family that loves and supports you, you need nothing else.  It's just too bad that some of us forget along the way.  The good news is, we always have the opportunity to wake up and realize what we've truly got.

I've got to go now.  I think I smell the coffee.....    ;)

Have a Blessed day!

it's interesting ...

... i just don't seem to have very much to say lately ... depression?  mania?  does it really matter why?  it just is.

i'm still here.

panic attacks

I don't think I've ever suffered a REAL panic attack before.  Since I started the Geodon I have been struggling with irritability and always feeling "on the edge".  As the weeks pass by, it has gotten worse.  I am exhausted all the time and have no energy to do anything.  I'm constantly gritting my teeth.  Fixing Troy's coffee at night for the next morning can be an effort.  Cooking a meal is an act of perseverance.  A couple of weeks ago I started having trouble sleeping.  At first it was waking up in the middle of the night feeling panicky and worrying about a bunch of different things.  It felt like I had to get up and do something right then before it all came crashing down on me.  I would eventually be able to calm myself back into a slightly anxious sleep.

A week ago, it started happening when I would lie down at night.  As soon as my head touches the pillows all these worries and concerns come bubbling up.  These aren't things that haven't been a "normal" part of life.  Home repairs, money, normal types of things that every one worries about.  But they become overwhelming.  Where you feel like everything is coming to a head and it's happening RIGHT NOW, RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

This is different from the panicky feeling you sometimes get with a known cause, like forgetting to pay a bill or remembering a forgotten appointment.  This is out of the blue, whammy right between the eyes, heart pounding, chest constricting fear about everything all at once!

Yesterday, I had a full-blown, heart-wrenching panic attack that lasted the better part of the day.  I have never felt anything like it before.  My hands were shaking.  My heart was pounding.  I was freezing cold, then sweating bullets.  My chest felt so tight I felt as if I could barely draw a breath.  My head felt like it would explode.  I was beyond the point of tears to utter hopelessness and despair.  The realization that even tears won't help.  Even running wasn't an option because it felt like all this pressure would follow me wherever I go.  Even suicide thoughts came bubbling up.  "What's the point?  It will always be like this."  It took everything I had to battle it with the reassurances that this feeling would pass.  It's hard to convince yourself of that when the attack lasts for hours.

What is going on?  I think part of it is the new medication, which I am stopping.  I'm weaning myself off of it first to make sure I'm not doing something radical.  I will admit, I prefer mania to this kind of heart-stopping anxiety.  At least when I'm manic everything is optimistic and I feel happy.  This is insane, pun intended.

We'll see how I do as I come off the Geodon.  If I have to switch to another medication, then I will.  But I refuse to take Geodon anymore!

lessons learned...they just never stop coming

I think I've reached that point in life when you realize that every single moment is a lesson in itself waiting to be discovered.

We went to CVS last night to pick up Troy's prescription.  Troy had dropped his prescription off earlier in the day and was told it would be ready around 7 PM.  When we arrived I saw the pharmacists were overwhelmed with prescription orders and trying to wait on customers.  I stood ever so patiently in line waiting our turn.  I was Mother Theresa in the Pharmacy of Chaos.  Smiling.  Patient.

UNTIL...it was our turn at the counter and the pharmacist had not filled either one of the prescriptions because she didn't know what one of them was.  Mother Theresa disappeared in the flash of an eye and Irritated Karen was left behind.  We explained to her what the confusing prescription was for and she told us to come back in 20 minutes.  Yeah, that didn't sit real well with Irritated Karen either.  I allowed my displeasure to be extremely clear on my face as we walked away.  "Why didn't she at least fill one of them?" Troy whispered to me.  (He's wise to Irritated Karen.  Tread carefully but carry a Big Stick.)

This is where Buddhism comes in.  It has taught me to observe, not the actions of others, but of myself.  So I asked myself, "Self, why are you so irritated?  They are obviously overwhelmed and have extremely inexperienced pharmacists trying to fill the prescriptions."

The answer:  I was irritated because I was inconvenienced.  All I wanted to do was go home, climb into my pj's, and relax into my evening.  Instead, I had to come back to the pharmacy to pick up the prescription.  Due to circumstances beyond my control, my wish for control was thwarted.  In other words, my irritation was completely and totally MY created emotion.  No one created it for me.  I decided to react that way to circumstances beyond my control because *I* had been inconvenienced.

What made this an even more powerful lesson was that a month or so ago, I was in another CVS and I went to check out at the Pharmacy to avoid the slow-moving line at the front of the store.  I was Happy-Mood Karen and pleasantly waited as the pharmacist assisted another customer.  The customer asked if the pharmacist could give her cash back, but he asked her not to because he had just opened his cash drawer and did not have much cash.  She was irritated with him, I assume, because of the inconvenience.  Just like I would be a month or so later.  I tried to comfort the pharmacist while throwing daggers at her retreating back for being so mean to the nice man.  I was Holier-Than-Thou-Because-I-Practice-Compassion-and-Understanding.

Funny how lessons change when the shoe is on the other foot, huh?

Happy Father's Day, Daddy ...

I miss my Dad and wish he were here so I could say to him,

"Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

I hope you're proud of me.

I love you and I miss you."

I wish I had a picture of him and me.

i can't believe it..

...I finally have both of my personal email accounts down to less than 15 emails each.  Progress!

Now to start on my Things Way Overdue At Home list.  Like washing my car.  Washing the dishes.  Scooping litter boxes.  Mopping the floors.  Cleaning off the front porch.  Washing windows.  Finishing laundry.

Things like that.

mindfulness in action

Sunday I had to perform an upgrade of one of our business units payroll software.  It is a system I provide data analysis, modifications, and support for my job.  I had not done an upgrade in a long time and the software provider had changed the installation interface.  Thursday and Friday I performed upgrade of both business units in our development site.  This provided me with the opportunity to document the process to facilitate the production upgrade on Sunday.

Rather than boring you with a lot of little details, let's just say it was a very frustrating installation due to a number of different issues all coming together at the same time.  Some were poor judgement on my part.  Some were due to ignorance.  Some to circumstances beyond my control.

It was an amazing experience. I learned, in a very real way, just how much control the mind has over the body and our physical reactions.  This complete, consuming physical reaction was all due to my frustrations and fear about the task I was performing.

Frustration:  Not moving as quickly as I'd like. Tired. Don't want to be working. Things aren't moving smoothly, lots of little quirks causing interruptions and delays. We had a workshop the previous morning and meditation Saturday night so I didn't feel like I was having a weekend at all.

Fear:  This is the big one.  I've missed something along the way and when I'm finished it won't work.  I'll have to call someone to help me because I can't do it on my own.  I'm not smart enough.  I can't focus or concentrate as well because of my meds.  What if I screw this up big time?  What if I am a failure!?!  What if people think less of me because I'm not smart enough.

To this, I had an extremely strong physical response.

Response:  Stomach and jaws clenched tightly.  Stiff neck.  Hands shaking. Headache. Jaw ache for clenching so tightly.  Nauseous.  Heart pounding, panicky feeling.  Extreme anxiety.  No, off the freakin' charts anxiety.

So now, let's examine the what if's?  The reality of the situation was that either I would be successful or not.  I would either have the mental capacity to perform the upgrade or not.  I would miss a step or not.  All these things I had no control over.  I did have control over being extremely careful and followed every step precisely.  Which I did.  I had a choice of taking a shower to go into the office and complete the upgrade -- or not have to take a shower and just keep working along. I chose to stay home.

As for the upgrade?  I completed it successfully.  Everything worked from the time of first launch to final testing.

But I still had the extreme physical reaction to the events outside of my control. Why? What did it really accomplish other than upset me horribly; physically and emotionally?

Even though the experience was exhausting, extremely frustrating, and stressful; I learned something from it.  Well, in addition to the fact that next time I go into the office.

I have been feeling frustrated on another level in my personal life.  I've been reading and studying the Buddhist texts and what they teach in regards to mindfulness, being completely aware of your mind/body connection at all times.  This is extremely challenging, yet I find the practice to be very thought-provoking and worthwhile.  However, it seems that the wrong view, wrong thoughts, wrong mind, and wrong speech are very, very strong in me.  To a point I was becoming very disgusted in myself.  Everywhere I look I see things I don't like about myself and it seemed there is no hope of my becoming a better person.

However, this extremely stressful situation was experienced in full awareness.  Even while it was happening I realized all the points I listed above.  Yet, I still had the physical experiences.  This is progress.  Before I would have just been stressed and not realized the impermanence, and my desire to control that which is beyond my control. 

It appears what I am reading is filtering through and coming to the surface.  What I have experienced thus far from my studies of Buddhism, have all been beneficial.  This is something I can believe in, especially if it makes me a better person.

what do you dig?

I got a new pair of earrings this weekend that I totally dig.  I just had to share them with you here.  I'm sure there's something you really like that is an expression of yourself.  A friend of mine loves flip flops.  It fits her.  She's the easy-going, carefree type of person.  Not sure what dangly earrings say about me.  I was really disappointed when big earrings went out of fashion.  I used to have a pair Troy called the "fishing lure".  They were a pair of about 10 chain-strands grouped together that reached just below my shoulders. Big, interlooping earrings are another favorite, like the ones in the picture.

What do YOU dig?

It was a much-needed St Augustine weekend ...

While a trip to my Mom's would have been ever better, it's a long drive to spend one day and drive home again.  So we made the concession to drive to St Augustine Friday night after work, spend two days and drive back Sunday afternoon.

I won't talk about Friday night, after all I've already embarassed myself and posted about it on Facebook.  :)

Saturday morning we headed to Silver Feather first.  Troy got a new flute.  Made of bamboo by a local flute-maker.  Sounds really nice.  He forgot his necklace when we drove up so we got him a new chain with a silver feather (seems appropriate, doesn't it?) that has turquoise running down the center of it.  From there we hit an assortment of shops and I picked up a few dresses and a sleeveless light-colored shirt to replace the heavy, dark-colored t-shirt I was sweating in. We finally made it to the Lightner Museum before heading back to St. George street.

When we go to St. Augustine I've always made the concession that it's the one time I can smoke.  We always go to Troy's favorite cigar shop and pick up a few cigars for him.  (I got some empty cigar boxes while we were there to try and be crafty with!)  I always get a pack of cigarettes to smoke with him while he has his cigar.  The last time I smoked, some time ago, I was smoking Newports.  Don't ask me why, but I suddenly liked the menthol taste.  (Dontcha love this ad.  "Welcome Aboard"  Welcome aboard to what?  Future lung cancer or other respiratory diseases??)

We went to Crucial Coffee (as we always do after a cigar purchase) and got our drinks with our respective cancer choices.  We sat outside and shared an umbrella as it started to rain.  Huddled together, puffing away like a bunch of teenagers.  Okay, maybe not. Troy was more dignified while I was like a teen-ager afraid of getting caught and puffing away.  One cigarette, two cigarettes, and I continued until Troy fnished his cigar. 

We left and went to Columbia Restaurant, one of our favorites, for lunch.  I had canneloni with lobster meat in a rich cream sauce.  Troy had a combo platter that he enjoyed as well.  We had two bottles of Vino Esmeralda (something else I never do, drink alcohol) and left feeling full and a little tipsy.  We wandered the St George street before returning to the car to dump our latest purchases and head back to the hotel.

Once there, we laid down for a few minutes as my head had begun a slight pounding in the top of it.  It began to ease off and once again I was craving a cigarette.  I went outside the room to smoke it and was already feeling slightly queasy from the last cigarette I had.  I finished it, went inside and promptly knelt in front of the Great Porcelain God we have all worshiped at one time in our lives for one reason or another.  The funny thing is, I welcome puking because I know as soon as it's over I feel better.  And I did!  Well, except my headache was back and now threatening to burst through the top of my skull.

As I lay in bed reflecting on the event, I examined my smoking habit.  I realize St Augustine and Troy's cigar are nothing but an excuse to imbibe in a much-missed habit.  No matter how long you've quit, you crave it.  But I realized something else I had not realized before.  The obsessive-compulsive thing again.  This time, it was the cigarettes.

When I have a cigarette it is like this flame inside of my that is always hungry for one more.  Once I do have one, it's one after another, like I just can't stop unless I am some place that I cannot smoke.  It's such a nasty and health-damaging habit.  I know this, but it's so hard to fight.

Even after getting sick, I tried to go get another pack just so I could "have one" the next day.  Troy, thank God, reigned me in and distracted me with shiny things, like jewelry at Silver Feather.  :)

We left a little earlier than we normally do, but I was tired from the two days of walking.  I really need to start walking at night and get into at least a little better shape than I currently am in.  Something is better than nothing. 

Now if only I could be OCD about walking like I can be about smoking...