lessons learned...they just never stop coming

I think I've reached that point in life when you realize that every single moment is a lesson in itself waiting to be discovered.

We went to CVS last night to pick up Troy's prescription.  Troy had dropped his prescription off earlier in the day and was told it would be ready around 7 PM.  When we arrived I saw the pharmacists were overwhelmed with prescription orders and trying to wait on customers.  I stood ever so patiently in line waiting our turn.  I was Mother Theresa in the Pharmacy of Chaos.  Smiling.  Patient.

UNTIL...it was our turn at the counter and the pharmacist had not filled either one of the prescriptions because she didn't know what one of them was.  Mother Theresa disappeared in the flash of an eye and Irritated Karen was left behind.  We explained to her what the confusing prescription was for and she told us to come back in 20 minutes.  Yeah, that didn't sit real well with Irritated Karen either.  I allowed my displeasure to be extremely clear on my face as we walked away.  "Why didn't she at least fill one of them?" Troy whispered to me.  (He's wise to Irritated Karen.  Tread carefully but carry a Big Stick.)

This is where Buddhism comes in.  It has taught me to observe, not the actions of others, but of myself.  So I asked myself, "Self, why are you so irritated?  They are obviously overwhelmed and have extremely inexperienced pharmacists trying to fill the prescriptions."

The answer:  I was irritated because I was inconvenienced.  All I wanted to do was go home, climb into my pj's, and relax into my evening.  Instead, I had to come back to the pharmacy to pick up the prescription.  Due to circumstances beyond my control, my wish for control was thwarted.  In other words, my irritation was completely and totally MY created emotion.  No one created it for me.  I decided to react that way to circumstances beyond my control because *I* had been inconvenienced.

What made this an even more powerful lesson was that a month or so ago, I was in another CVS and I went to check out at the Pharmacy to avoid the slow-moving line at the front of the store.  I was Happy-Mood Karen and pleasantly waited as the pharmacist assisted another customer.  The customer asked if the pharmacist could give her cash back, but he asked her not to because he had just opened his cash drawer and did not have much cash.  She was irritated with him, I assume, because of the inconvenience.  Just like I would be a month or so later.  I tried to comfort the pharmacist while throwing daggers at her retreating back for being so mean to the nice man.  I was Holier-Than-Thou-Because-I-Practice-Compassion-and-Understanding.

Funny how lessons change when the shoe is on the other foot, huh?

Happy Father's Day, Daddy ...

I miss my Dad and wish he were here so I could say to him,

"Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

I hope you're proud of me.

I love you and I miss you."

I wish I had a picture of him and me.

i can't believe it..

...I finally have both of my personal email accounts down to less than 15 emails each.  Progress!

Now to start on my Things Way Overdue At Home list.  Like washing my car.  Washing the dishes.  Scooping litter boxes.  Mopping the floors.  Cleaning off the front porch.  Washing windows.  Finishing laundry.

Things like that.

mindfulness in action

Sunday I had to perform an upgrade of one of our business units payroll software.  It is a system I provide data analysis, modifications, and support for my job.  I had not done an upgrade in a long time and the software provider had changed the installation interface.  Thursday and Friday I performed upgrade of both business units in our development site.  This provided me with the opportunity to document the process to facilitate the production upgrade on Sunday.

Rather than boring you with a lot of little details, let's just say it was a very frustrating installation due to a number of different issues all coming together at the same time.  Some were poor judgement on my part.  Some were due to ignorance.  Some to circumstances beyond my control.

It was an amazing experience. I learned, in a very real way, just how much control the mind has over the body and our physical reactions.  This complete, consuming physical reaction was all due to my frustrations and fear about the task I was performing.

Frustration:  Not moving as quickly as I'd like. Tired. Don't want to be working. Things aren't moving smoothly, lots of little quirks causing interruptions and delays. We had a workshop the previous morning and meditation Saturday night so I didn't feel like I was having a weekend at all.

Fear:  This is the big one.  I've missed something along the way and when I'm finished it won't work.  I'll have to call someone to help me because I can't do it on my own.  I'm not smart enough.  I can't focus or concentrate as well because of my meds.  What if I screw this up big time?  What if I am a failure!?!  What if people think less of me because I'm not smart enough.

To this, I had an extremely strong physical response.

Response:  Stomach and jaws clenched tightly.  Stiff neck.  Hands shaking. Headache. Jaw ache for clenching so tightly.  Nauseous.  Heart pounding, panicky feeling.  Extreme anxiety.  No, off the freakin' charts anxiety.

So now, let's examine the what if's?  The reality of the situation was that either I would be successful or not.  I would either have the mental capacity to perform the upgrade or not.  I would miss a step or not.  All these things I had no control over.  I did have control over being extremely careful and followed every step precisely.  Which I did.  I had a choice of taking a shower to go into the office and complete the upgrade -- or not have to take a shower and just keep working along. I chose to stay home.

As for the upgrade?  I completed it successfully.  Everything worked from the time of first launch to final testing.

But I still had the extreme physical reaction to the events outside of my control. Why? What did it really accomplish other than upset me horribly; physically and emotionally?

Even though the experience was exhausting, extremely frustrating, and stressful; I learned something from it.  Well, in addition to the fact that next time I go into the office.

I have been feeling frustrated on another level in my personal life.  I've been reading and studying the Buddhist texts and what they teach in regards to mindfulness, being completely aware of your mind/body connection at all times.  This is extremely challenging, yet I find the practice to be very thought-provoking and worthwhile.  However, it seems that the wrong view, wrong thoughts, wrong mind, and wrong speech are very, very strong in me.  To a point I was becoming very disgusted in myself.  Everywhere I look I see things I don't like about myself and it seemed there is no hope of my becoming a better person.

However, this extremely stressful situation was experienced in full awareness.  Even while it was happening I realized all the points I listed above.  Yet, I still had the physical experiences.  This is progress.  Before I would have just been stressed and not realized the impermanence, and my desire to control that which is beyond my control. 

It appears what I am reading is filtering through and coming to the surface.  What I have experienced thus far from my studies of Buddhism, have all been beneficial.  This is something I can believe in, especially if it makes me a better person.

what do you dig?

I got a new pair of earrings this weekend that I totally dig.  I just had to share them with you here.  I'm sure there's something you really like that is an expression of yourself.  A friend of mine loves flip flops.  It fits her.  She's the easy-going, carefree type of person.  Not sure what dangly earrings say about me.  I was really disappointed when big earrings went out of fashion.  I used to have a pair Troy called the "fishing lure".  They were a pair of about 10 chain-strands grouped together that reached just below my shoulders. Big, interlooping earrings are another favorite, like the ones in the picture.

What do YOU dig?

It was a much-needed St Augustine weekend ...

While a trip to my Mom's would have been ever better, it's a long drive to spend one day and drive home again.  So we made the concession to drive to St Augustine Friday night after work, spend two days and drive back Sunday afternoon.

I won't talk about Friday night, after all I've already embarassed myself and posted about it on Facebook.  :)

Saturday morning we headed to Silver Feather first.  Troy got a new flute.  Made of bamboo by a local flute-maker.  Sounds really nice.  He forgot his necklace when we drove up so we got him a new chain with a silver feather (seems appropriate, doesn't it?) that has turquoise running down the center of it.  From there we hit an assortment of shops and I picked up a few dresses and a sleeveless light-colored shirt to replace the heavy, dark-colored t-shirt I was sweating in. We finally made it to the Lightner Museum before heading back to St. George street.

When we go to St. Augustine I've always made the concession that it's the one time I can smoke.  We always go to Troy's favorite cigar shop and pick up a few cigars for him.  (I got some empty cigar boxes while we were there to try and be crafty with!)  I always get a pack of cigarettes to smoke with him while he has his cigar.  The last time I smoked, some time ago, I was smoking Newports.  Don't ask me why, but I suddenly liked the menthol taste.  (Dontcha love this ad.  "Welcome Aboard"  Welcome aboard to what?  Future lung cancer or other respiratory diseases??)

We went to Crucial Coffee (as we always do after a cigar purchase) and got our drinks with our respective cancer choices.  We sat outside and shared an umbrella as it started to rain.  Huddled together, puffing away like a bunch of teenagers.  Okay, maybe not. Troy was more dignified while I was like a teen-ager afraid of getting caught and puffing away.  One cigarette, two cigarettes, and I continued until Troy fnished his cigar. 

We left and went to Columbia Restaurant, one of our favorites, for lunch.  I had canneloni with lobster meat in a rich cream sauce.  Troy had a combo platter that he enjoyed as well.  We had two bottles of Vino Esmeralda (something else I never do, drink alcohol) and left feeling full and a little tipsy.  We wandered the St George street before returning to the car to dump our latest purchases and head back to the hotel.

Once there, we laid down for a few minutes as my head had begun a slight pounding in the top of it.  It began to ease off and once again I was craving a cigarette.  I went outside the room to smoke it and was already feeling slightly queasy from the last cigarette I had.  I finished it, went inside and promptly knelt in front of the Great Porcelain God we have all worshiped at one time in our lives for one reason or another.  The funny thing is, I welcome puking because I know as soon as it's over I feel better.  And I did!  Well, except my headache was back and now threatening to burst through the top of my skull.

As I lay in bed reflecting on the event, I examined my smoking habit.  I realize St Augustine and Troy's cigar are nothing but an excuse to imbibe in a much-missed habit.  No matter how long you've quit, you crave it.  But I realized something else I had not realized before.  The obsessive-compulsive thing again.  This time, it was the cigarettes.

When I have a cigarette it is like this flame inside of my that is always hungry for one more.  Once I do have one, it's one after another, like I just can't stop unless I am some place that I cannot smoke.  It's such a nasty and health-damaging habit.  I know this, but it's so hard to fight.

Even after getting sick, I tried to go get another pack just so I could "have one" the next day.  Troy, thank God, reigned me in and distracted me with shiny things, like jewelry at Silver Feather.  :)

We left a little earlier than we normally do, but I was tired from the two days of walking.  I really need to start walking at night and get into at least a little better shape than I currently am in.  Something is better than nothing. 

Now if only I could be OCD about walking like I can be about smoking...

something scary

When I was a kid, I remember seeing a dramatic film in the 9th grade about the environment and where we are headed if we don't change our ways.  That's how strongly it impacted me, I haven't forgotten it.  One of the few things I remember.  I'll never forget people having to wear gas masks to go outside because the air was so toxic.  As I said, it was dramatic, an extreme, but I got the message.

That was around 1978-79.  Can you imagine what our environment would be like now if we had listened and started practicing eco-responsibility then?

But here's what scares me.  Really scares me.  One of the points in the film were waterways that couldn't recover from pollution caused by man because we just keep dumping more pollution into it.

Fast-forward to today.  In the Gulf.  While the oceans have experienced natural oil leaks, we have to own this one.  We caused it.  Negligence or not, we caused this.  And it's a big one.  All attempts to cap this have failed to this point.  We are now looking at a few months before they can build another rig and try to stop the leak.

Will the Gulf recover?  Eventually.  I have a frightening vision of the Gulf becoming "un-usable" to man in MY lifetime.  My 9th grade film becoming a reality I thought couldn't possibly happen in my lifetime.  No fishing.  No beaches.  Has anyone really given any thought to what would happen ecologically, socially, and economically if that region becomes contaminated?  We are talking about contamination that could take beyond our children's lifetime to recover from.

This isn't a scare tactic or negativity.  This is reality.  We need to realize that with greater technology we have the ability to affect our natural world in staggering ways.  We are not the peons we think we are that can't have an effect because we're so small; but an integral, interconnected piece of our planet.  We can't ignore this because we believe it does not affect us directly. It still does.  We ... are ... interconnected.  Get it yet?

Is the Gulf the catastrophe we need to open our eyes to our capabilities for self-destruction or will it take another Hiroshima before we comprehend our ability to destroy our own race?  I'd like to think we could get it now.

my friend

A new song I really like.  Words are important to me.

My Friend

by Groove Armada

Whenever I'm down

I call on you my friend

A helping hand you lend

In my time of need

Whenever I'm down

I call on you my friend

(I call on you my friend)

(I call on you my friend)

Listen..

Whenever I'm down

I call on you my friend

A helping hand you lend

In my time of need

Whenever I'm down

I call on you my friend

(I call on you my friend)

(I call on you my friend)

Whenever I'm down

And all that's going on

Is really going on

Just one of those days (and ju-h..)

You say the right things

To keep me moving on

To keep me going strong

(going strong)

(going strong)

Whenever I'm down

Ain't nobody

(body)

Ain't nobody

(body)

Whenever I'm down

I call on you my friend

A helping hand you lend

In my time of need

Whenever I'm down

I call on you my friend

(I call on you my friend)

(I call on you my friend)

Whenever I'm down

And all that's going on

Is really going on

Just one of those days (and ju-h..)

You say the right things

To keep me moving on

To keep me going strong

(going strong)

(going strong)

Whenever I'm down

I call on you my friend

A helping hand you lend

In my time of need

Whenever I'm down

I call on you my friend

(I call on you my friend)

(I call on you my friend)

(Whenever I'm down)

(I call on you...)

(Whenever I'm down)

(I call...)

Ain't nobody

(body)

Ain't nobody

(body)

Listen

Listen

Listen..