mindfulness in action

Sunday I had to perform an upgrade of one of our business units payroll software.  It is a system I provide data analysis, modifications, and support for my job.  I had not done an upgrade in a long time and the software provider had changed the installation interface.  Thursday and Friday I performed upgrade of both business units in our development site.  This provided me with the opportunity to document the process to facilitate the production upgrade on Sunday.

Rather than boring you with a lot of little details, let's just say it was a very frustrating installation due to a number of different issues all coming together at the same time.  Some were poor judgement on my part.  Some were due to ignorance.  Some to circumstances beyond my control.

It was an amazing experience. I learned, in a very real way, just how much control the mind has over the body and our physical reactions.  This complete, consuming physical reaction was all due to my frustrations and fear about the task I was performing.

Frustration:  Not moving as quickly as I'd like. Tired. Don't want to be working. Things aren't moving smoothly, lots of little quirks causing interruptions and delays. We had a workshop the previous morning and meditation Saturday night so I didn't feel like I was having a weekend at all.

Fear:  This is the big one.  I've missed something along the way and when I'm finished it won't work.  I'll have to call someone to help me because I can't do it on my own.  I'm not smart enough.  I can't focus or concentrate as well because of my meds.  What if I screw this up big time?  What if I am a failure!?!  What if people think less of me because I'm not smart enough.

To this, I had an extremely strong physical response.

Response:  Stomach and jaws clenched tightly.  Stiff neck.  Hands shaking. Headache. Jaw ache for clenching so tightly.  Nauseous.  Heart pounding, panicky feeling.  Extreme anxiety.  No, off the freakin' charts anxiety.

So now, let's examine the what if's?  The reality of the situation was that either I would be successful or not.  I would either have the mental capacity to perform the upgrade or not.  I would miss a step or not.  All these things I had no control over.  I did have control over being extremely careful and followed every step precisely.  Which I did.  I had a choice of taking a shower to go into the office and complete the upgrade -- or not have to take a shower and just keep working along. I chose to stay home.

As for the upgrade?  I completed it successfully.  Everything worked from the time of first launch to final testing.

But I still had the extreme physical reaction to the events outside of my control. Why? What did it really accomplish other than upset me horribly; physically and emotionally?

Even though the experience was exhausting, extremely frustrating, and stressful; I learned something from it.  Well, in addition to the fact that next time I go into the office.

I have been feeling frustrated on another level in my personal life.  I've been reading and studying the Buddhist texts and what they teach in regards to mindfulness, being completely aware of your mind/body connection at all times.  This is extremely challenging, yet I find the practice to be very thought-provoking and worthwhile.  However, it seems that the wrong view, wrong thoughts, wrong mind, and wrong speech are very, very strong in me.  To a point I was becoming very disgusted in myself.  Everywhere I look I see things I don't like about myself and it seemed there is no hope of my becoming a better person.

However, this extremely stressful situation was experienced in full awareness.  Even while it was happening I realized all the points I listed above.  Yet, I still had the physical experiences.  This is progress.  Before I would have just been stressed and not realized the impermanence, and my desire to control that which is beyond my control. 

It appears what I am reading is filtering through and coming to the surface.  What I have experienced thus far from my studies of Buddhism, have all been beneficial.  This is something I can believe in, especially if it makes me a better person.