my jaws ache

when i get annoyed and am trying to keep my cool, i clench my teeth together.  i'm usually not aware i am doing it until the ache sets in at the end of the day from where i've been tightly clenching them all day.  today was one of those days. 

i have discovered, since attending the vipassana course, my views have changed about some things,   especially negativity.  everyone seems unhappy because their situation isn't "ideal" or "how they think it should be".  now, that, in and of itself, is not a bad thing.  this can motivate us into becoming more than what we are at that present moment by stretching ourselves to rise above that which we dislike.  what makes it into a "bad" thing is when we adopt a negative attitude toward the situation and refuse to do anything to change it.

i've also found my tolerance level for constant fault-finding, childish whining, and large ego has fallen to extremely dangerous levels.

i see these as a challenge and opportunity for self growth, which i welcome and look forward to.  okay, maybe not quite that enthusiastically.  i'm not quite sure how to handle it yet.  but i guess that's what this is all about, right?  learning how to handle situations in a healthier way that i haven't known how to do so before.  it's taking the first step that is the scariest.  it wouldn't be a "situation" if i already knew how to handle it appropriately, now would it? 

what does makes me a little sad though, is the realization that there is a lot of negativity out there to provide me with opportunities to practice what i believe.  lots.  in people who do have control and can change it.  all the philosophers really do know what they are talking about when they say we hold the key to the chains that we imagine bind us.  none of us are bound.  we all have choices.  we must also respect the choices of others; even when we don't understand or agree with them.

some say life isn't fair.  some expect life to be fair.  few realize that life truly is fair.  it's the law of balance. for every action there is a reaction.  not everything that happens to us is personal.  that's something we so easily forget.  we also forget that we have to work hard for those things we want the most, yet be patient and give them time to appear.  that what we receive is directly proportional to what we give.

i am working to attain a level of equanimity that i can maintain a calm and peaceful state of mind even when i hear distressing news, or am surrounded by negativity or less-than-desirable surroundings or events.

Main Entry: equa·nim·i·ty

Pronunciation: \ˌē-kwə-ˈni-mə-tē, ˌe-kwə-\
1 : evenness of mind especially under stress
2 : right disposition : balance
synonyms equanimity, composure, sangfroid mean evenness of mind under stress. equanimity suggests a habit of mind that is only rarely disturbed under great strain . composure implies the controlling of emotional or mental agitation by an effort of will or as a matter of habit . sangfroid implies great coolness and steadiness under strain .

endless night

Endless night. That is definitely how I personally experience the depressive side of bipolar when unmedicated. Edvard Munch's, "Scream" is the perfect painting to describe it.  Don McLeans, "Vincent (Starry, Starry Night)" is the perfect song.  Below is a video of VanGogh paintings set to the song Vincent.  Did you know VanGogh was bipolar?

Here's the story of someone who has it worse than I do and how it has impacted, not only his life, but his family as well.  The desire, as far back as I can remember into childhood, of wanting to die.  I lived this way until about 6 years ago when I finally found the right medication for my disorder.  It is not an easy way to live.  When you are equally torn between wanting to live and wanting to die.  Sometimes, the only thing that keeps you on the side of the living are the people you love.  Sometimes, even that isn't enough to save you.

One of my favorite quotes sums it up perfectly.  "It's not that I want to kill myself.  It's just that I wouldn't mind dying." (Stephen Fry)

http://tinyurl.com/ydb398e

Another interesting tidbit I gleaned from it:

Scientists believe that bipolar disorder may result from genes either inherited or changed during conception that produce faulty proteins; the proteins then interrupt or misdirect certain brain activities, causing the extreme mood swings that define the condition. Stress or traumatic events aren't enough on their own to set the disease in motion, but they are believed to be potential triggers for a person carrying the right switch in their brains.

be thankful

In the Light of Love...

They've done it again. It's been two years since the first time I heard them sing this song. It still brought me to tears when I listened today. Not tears of sadness, but tears of absolute joy and bliss. You can feel it in the song, especially if you sing along...

In the light of love, we are whole, in the light of love, we are home, in the light of love, we heal and sing... Thy Will be done.... in the light of love....

om shree dhanvantre namaha

Beautiful crystal bowls played to Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujuah" & more

...and here's what we'd like to eventually do with our meditation chanting group...  isn't this mesmerizing?? With or without headphones, close your eyes, relax, and float...

i am back

Just a quick note to officially announce my return.  I've actually been back since last Wednesday afternoon, but remained "black" to the rest of the world so I could enjoy my time at home without anything or anyone expecting anything from me until Tuesday, at the earliest.  It has been very nice.  I'm enjoying the longest vacation I've ever taken from work.  Well, the longest paid vacation I've ever taken!  LOL

If you want to read my initial blog posts about the meditation course, read them here:  insightfoundinside.blogspot.com.

I have lots to post about but will take time to get it all typed up and posted.  I've gotten into a routine of getting up at 4:30 AM (which makes Groucho happy since he's ready for his breakfast about then).  This also means being asleep by 10 PM each night.  It has been a conducive schedule for hour long meditation in the AM since no one else is usually up before 10 AM.

Steven took off around 5:30 today for his first long-distance trip adventure to Boca Raton with a friend of his.  I'm torn between being excited for him and being frightened for him.  I know he'll be okay.  I just hope he has a great time while he's there.  He will be staying until Friday or Saturday and driving back alone.  I wish someone were with him, but he's cautious and should be fine.  It's a newer, reliable car, so he shouldn't have any car problems.  His biggest challenge will be getting lost.  With his iPhone though, he should be fine with that as well!

I finished my meditation book and the course, so now I've got to choose something new to read.  I have "Wolf at Twilight" by one of my favorite authors, but I don't know if I'm up for real life drama just yet.  I'm thinking maybe trying "What the Buddha Taught" for a bit and see if I can get far in that or if I need something dummied down a bit more.  I have material to read for the meditation group, but feel like taking a book off and just reading for myself right now.

Troy and I went to Cafe Tu Tu Tango tonight for dinner and, as always, ate too much.  I had the almond flan for desert.  Oh yummmmmmmmm.  The tarot reader was an elderly woman and she didn't look real thrilled about being there.  I stood near her waiting for Troy to come out of the restroom where he was depositing his two beers.  She never looked up to greet people passing by her and was looking at her phone.  I fleetingly thought of getting a reading, but was already miserable from eating too much and just wanted to get out of there and headed home where I could discard my tight jeans for something much more comfy.  :)

The course was amazing.  I did leave on the morning of the 7th day.  The pain became difficult to bear and was lasting non-stop.  I had a bone-deep ache in my right leg that went from my thigh all the way into my ankle.  My left knee had begun to swell again and was back to that odd, popping/sliding feeling I would get when I walked shortly after I initially injured it.  At that point, I was concerned that another 3 days of activity would result in an inability to drive my manual transmission Cobalt home by myself.  I really needed that left knee for the clutch in my car.

I did have extremely amazing experiences.  One I have written, but cannot share until after the women's medicine wheel later this month.  I will be sharing it first at the Spring Equinox Medicine Wheel, and then a second time at the women's medicine wheel the following week.  Once I have shared it there, then I will be posting it here.  It was an extremely moving and humbling experience.  I feel extremely blessed to have received such a strong message to share with others.

I will also write about the mundane activities that can be comical, when viewed the right way.  My adventures with true vegetarian fare.  I've become convinced that I'm a "Western World Processed Food Vegetarian".  I like my processed vegetables.  Green Giant peas in a can or frozen peas I can cook in the microwave in less than 6 minutes.  The daily routine and how easy it was to fall into it.

The technique, as much as I can share, and the one extremely blissful experience I had the day we received Vipassana from S.N. Goenka.  I am so happy I went without expectations and had such amazing experiences.  I was like a child, wide open to everything, anything, and all forms of experience.  Vipassana meditation is focused on sensations.  I have never been so aware of my bodily sensations as I have been since learning this technique.  Let's just say, Troy has been enjoying my newfound sensuality as well.  IFYKWIM  haha.

Okay, TMI, but it had to be said.  This course was amazing beyond expectation.  Everything I needed was there for me.  Every experience, every thought, every sensation...was exactly what I needed, when I needed it.  The things I questioned most in my life were answered.  I rediscovered my love for pine straw and pine cones.  I found faith.  I grew a new and much larger appreciation for the rock solid love that exists in my life.  I am comfortable with my place and space and know that I am serving whatever purpose I was put here to serve.

I will write that book.  Each month I get a little closer.  Each time a little more is written.  The pieces are slowly coming together.  Each experience and interaction in my life is potential for a new chapter, or more.  Attending this course provided me with at least three additional chapters.

The first full day I had an experience that still unsettles me to think of it.  I knew that deep down inside I have always lived with fear.  Fear of rejection or humiliation or shame or doing or saying something stupid, of mistakes made in the past and making them again, of failure, of not being enough, of so very many things!  But I had pushed them way, way deep, deep down inside.  I knew they were there, but could successfully ignore them and proceed as planned.

That first full night of the course, I had them all come bubbling, spilling, roiling out of me.  It was a frightening experience.  To see all that fear dragged out in front of you where you can't hide from it and must face it.  I was ready to run.  Get in my car and GO NOW!  As ugly as it was though, the next morning it was as if a switch had been thrown and now I lived without that fear.  It had galloped away into the night, to locations unknown.  All I knew was I felt a little bit lighter than the night before.  I felt like I could conquer the world...or as a minimum, the course.  It gave me enough strength to continue five more days.

Although it was initially important to me to complete all ten days, I am comfortable with my decision to leave and have no regrets.  Although, I kept thinking of the friends I had made and left behind and what they were doing at different times throughout the day.  I celebrated Metta Day with them and was happy that they had all made it.  I'm hopeful that I will one day hear from Molina (I think that's the correct spelling of her name - I hope!) and she can tell me about the rest of the course.  I also hope to hear from Rae when she's passing through Orlando again.  It would be nice to meet up with her while she's nearby.

I am determined to remain committed to this meditation technique and maintain the daily two hour practice.  I am surrendering this week while we are on vacation as our schedule tends to be very up-in-the-air and our sleep and waking times are somewhat erratic.  I have tried to fit in a one hour meditation at some point during each day.  Today, not so successful unless you call the sleep I'm about to fall into in about 15 minutes a form of meditation...

Next Monday, when we return to work, I will return to my 4:30 AM schedule to make sure I meditate for an hour every morning and continue the practice.  I will also return to my regular diet of bananas and apples as well.  I FORBID any more chocolate to be brought into this house!!!

Good night All.  Rest well and I'll see you on the other side of Dreamtime...

With love and sweet dreams,
Karen