my jaws ache

when i get annoyed and am trying to keep my cool, i clench my teeth together.  i'm usually not aware i am doing it until the ache sets in at the end of the day from where i've been tightly clenching them all day.  today was one of those days. 

i have discovered, since attending the vipassana course, my views have changed about some things,   especially negativity.  everyone seems unhappy because their situation isn't "ideal" or "how they think it should be".  now, that, in and of itself, is not a bad thing.  this can motivate us into becoming more than what we are at that present moment by stretching ourselves to rise above that which we dislike.  what makes it into a "bad" thing is when we adopt a negative attitude toward the situation and refuse to do anything to change it.

i've also found my tolerance level for constant fault-finding, childish whining, and large ego has fallen to extremely dangerous levels.

i see these as a challenge and opportunity for self growth, which i welcome and look forward to.  okay, maybe not quite that enthusiastically.  i'm not quite sure how to handle it yet.  but i guess that's what this is all about, right?  learning how to handle situations in a healthier way that i haven't known how to do so before.  it's taking the first step that is the scariest.  it wouldn't be a "situation" if i already knew how to handle it appropriately, now would it? 

what does makes me a little sad though, is the realization that there is a lot of negativity out there to provide me with opportunities to practice what i believe.  lots.  in people who do have control and can change it.  all the philosophers really do know what they are talking about when they say we hold the key to the chains that we imagine bind us.  none of us are bound.  we all have choices.  we must also respect the choices of others; even when we don't understand or agree with them.

some say life isn't fair.  some expect life to be fair.  few realize that life truly is fair.  it's the law of balance. for every action there is a reaction.  not everything that happens to us is personal.  that's something we so easily forget.  we also forget that we have to work hard for those things we want the most, yet be patient and give them time to appear.  that what we receive is directly proportional to what we give.

i am working to attain a level of equanimity that i can maintain a calm and peaceful state of mind even when i hear distressing news, or am surrounded by negativity or less-than-desirable surroundings or events.

Main Entry: equa·nim·i·ty

Pronunciation: \ˌē-kwə-ˈni-mə-tē, ˌe-kwə-\
1 : evenness of mind especially under stress
2 : right disposition : balance
synonyms equanimity, composure, sangfroid mean evenness of mind under stress. equanimity suggests a habit of mind that is only rarely disturbed under great strain . composure implies the controlling of emotional or mental agitation by an effort of will or as a matter of habit . sangfroid implies great coolness and steadiness under strain .