chuckle

circle of life

In the past week, and especially in the past few days, I have had more people express their love and gratitude to me than I have felt in a long time.  I'm not talking about pity.  I'm talking about the love and gratitude I can see shining from their eyes.  I can feel the peace in their hearts and souls when I am around them.

What is beyond description for me is the realization that when we move in the flow of the Universe, when we listen with our hearts and our souls, and we make that connection with others, the beauty that comes of it.  What I am struggling to describe here is that while people express their gratitude for what Troy and I do in facilitating the meditation group they have no idea that I feel the same depth of gratitude that they keep sitting with us.  Knowing that they come and sit, not because we are some great guru or shining beauty, but because we are able to be in service by creating a welcoming environment that supports their commitment to their personal meditation practice.

Some ask me, "Why do you do it?  Why do you do so much for so many groups?  You never have time for yourselves!" 

Although I realize that we do put a lot of time and energy into what we do, it is all a joy to be a part of. In the beginning it was challenging and scary and difficult to meditate and facilitate. However, in a very short time I began to see the benefits many people, including Troy and I, were receiving from our regular meditation practice with the group. Because of the group, I have a strong meditation practice today that carries over into my daily life outside of the group.  As a result, my bipolar is a little easier to manage and my life is much more peaceful.

What am I struggling to express is this:

The facilitator begets the group
begets the grateful meditator
begets the dedicated facilitator
begets another dedicated meditator

Holy cow, but is that Tao or what? Definitely must have channeled that little piece. Yet it so very, very true.  It is a beautiful confirmation to live with each day knowing I am completely in the flow of the universe and doing something that allows me to be in service to others while also being in service to myself.  To know that you are part of something so loving and pure.  To be connected with so many beautiful people who all seek the same things: to know themselves and each other better; to walk the higher road; to practice loving kindness and compassion; to find peace. 

Tell me, is there anything out there as beautiful as that?

Each time I think of this I feel something inside me, where our heart and soul resides, that expands within my chest.  It is something so beautiful and pure, love is not an adequate word to describe it.  This is when you know that you have that spark of the Divine deep within you.

And if I can feel something this beautiful and perfect and pure inside me right now, then everything in my life - the stress, the suffering, the bipolar -- are all important pieces of the Divine puzzle that is Karen.

I DARE YOU TO READ THIS POST!!!

I have had two unexpected sources tell me that they love me this week.  It really lifted my spirits and gave me this idea for a challenge to you, dear blog reader, family and friends.

I CHALLENGE YOU to tell two people you love them within the next seven days.  I know how good it made me feel to hear it from two unexpected sources this week and I hope it made them feel equally good when I accepted the love they offered.  Sounds easy enough, right? But where's the challenge?  There are, conditions.  They are:

• It must be someone you have not said "I love you" to in at least six months.
• You must tell the second person, "I love you" within seven days of when you told the first person, "I love you".
• It must be heartfelt, not just reciting three words and telling someone something you think they'd like to hear.  You must feel the love in your heart and with your soul
• It can be anyone - even someone you've never met before, but it must be heartfelt.
• It must be verbal.  Written communication is discouraged unless there is no other way to contact the other person within the seven day timeframe.
• If they ask you why, share this with them and challenge them to do as you have done by passing it on to two others.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we began sharing "I love you" and others choose to pass it on?  Think of all the love that would continually flow around us through our connections and that YOU were a catalyst for!

I hope you will join me and accept this challenge in spreading LOVE around us.  If you do, please comment below so we can see those seeds of love planted.  If you are comfortable, I would love to hear about your experience as those seeds begin to sprout and grow.  Even if it doesn't go as well as you had envisioned, still share as they are all valid experiences with something to be learned from each one.

Share this idea with as many people as you like.  There is an email link below this post you can use to make it even easier to forward to others!

I LOVE YOU ALL!!

Okay, I lied...

....not intentionally, I assure you.  I woke up early this morning and am actually sitting here testing our meditation music selection for this evening.  So...being the good little multi-tasker that I am, I can do my blog updates AND listen to the music.  I know, I know, I'm trying to practice mindful awareness and I believe that I am.  This means I am eliminating multi-tasking until I can attain full awareness in a single task before attempting full awareness in multiple tasks being performed at the same time.  I think that's when my name will change to Swamiji Karen.  Certainly, not anytime soon, for sure!

Since I have freely shared my anguish of the past week or so, it is only fair to also share the good as well.

I am feeling much, much better with a little more peace in my anguished mind and heart.  Although I am still a little manic, at least I'm not as strung out as I was earlier this week.  I see the doctor Tuesday and am hopeful this will mean a reduction in the doseage of my meds.  I am also going to talk to him about the meditation retreat and request that he write a letter of recommendation for my application.  I want this whole retreat to be completely truthful.  I thought about concealing my bipolar diagnosis, but it would taint the energy of what I am wanting to do.  I also put my faith in the Source of All That Is (aka God) that if I am supposed to go there, I will be accepted.  To be honest, I would be surprised, with all the signs I've been receiving about this retreat, if I were not accepted.

Someone I love very much surprised me this week with a great big hug and "I love you".  Don't get those very often and it sure did make my week shine!  Thank you, Simple Man.  I love you, too..

quick status update

Feeling much better now.  A little more "normal", whatever that is!  I see the doctor on Tuesday and Troy is going with me so we can get the million dollar question answered.

Saturdays are full-fledged meditation days.  The earlier part of the day is spent preparing for our meditation group meetings that same evening.  Finalizing anything meditation: music selections, scripts and printing, packing and loading the car, etc.  We get to the bookstore around 4:30 in the afternoon to start setting up for meditation and wrap up anytime between 11 PM and midnight.

In other words, this is probably the last you'll hear from me until Sunday.

Have a great Saturday...

meditation retreat idea...

I got an idea for a future meditation retreat.  I want to go camping in a remote, somewhat secluded area for a couple of days, first with Troy and then another time with a handful of like-minded souls.  Ideally, on my family's farm in the panhandle of Florida, but any place we can go that is cost efficient, safe, and will not disrupt others or lend to disruption by others.

For a 24-hour period we will meditate during different times of the day and listen to differences in the sounds of nature around us.  Here's a rough lay out for the 24-hour period:

• Wake just before sunrise and assume meditation position facing the East.  Meditate while watching the sun rise.
• Spend the day in silence speaking only when conversation is absolutely necessary.
• Meditate throughout the day (e.g., 10 AM nature walk meditation, noon, 2 PM, dusk, 10 PM) becoming aware of the changes in the sounds of nature around us throughout the day.
• Midnight moonlit meditation stroll through nature (will require full-moon planning).
• Upon return from nature walk, retire to our respective tents.
• Next day .. celebration of life building a medicine wheel and enjoying a drum circle!

Maybe that's what we can do for New Years this year!  After all, it's a Blue Moon AND a partial lunar eclipse that day!!

Doesn't that sound like a good time?! I think so!

Food for thought...or just do the math!

Talking to a friend of mine today about my lengthy manic state and wondering what has triggered it.  I know that the stress I've been experiencing the past couple of months is one part of it.  (As mentioned previously, Bipolars are extremely sensitive to stress in their environment.)

What about weight loss?  I have lost 50 pounds since January.  (Yaaaahhh me!)  I also quit smoking a month and a half ago (almost two months now actually). 

Since I don't weigh as much as I used to, then maybe I don't need as large a dose as I used to!  So maybe this whole mania thing isn't that I'm falling apart again.  It's just that my meds need to be adjusted!

So, let's see....quit smoking, copious amounts of stress, and massive weight loss.  Yep, adds up to me.  What do YOU think?  I see the doctor next Tuesday, so stay tuned and we'll find out what he thinks!

Feeling better today...

It's so strange how you can be completely and totally out of control one day and it's like a switch is flipped and you just start feeling better.

I completely fell apart on Monday.  It was a pretty bad scene.  Poor Troy and Steven.  I get so tired of having to say, "I'm sorry" for the horrible things I say and do when I'm full-blown manic.

I began to feel better on Tuesday.  Especially after receiving a very, very simple, three-word comment from a dear friend of mine.  "I love you."

That was like a ray of sunshine breaking through a cloud. Warmth on an icy patch of my soul.  Water for my withering heart.

Those three simple words - and saying absolutely nothing else like the cliche, "Hang in there", "You'll be okay" or one of my personal favorites... "You just have to remember that things will get better" or "You just have to remember there are people living in far worse conditions than you."

I'd like to share a short story with you that kind of fits in here:

A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with Twinkies and a six-pack of Root Beer and he started his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he met an elderly man. The man was sitting in the park just feeding some pigeons.

The boy sat down next to him and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the man looked hungry, so he offered him a Twinkie.

The man gratefully accepted it and smiled at boy. His smile was so pleasant that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered him a root beer.

Again, the man smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.

As it grew dark, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave, but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the man, and gave him a hug. The man gave him his biggest smile ever.

When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy?

"He replied, "I had lunch with God." But before his mother couldrespond, he added, "You know what? God's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen!"

Meanwhile, the elderly man, also radiant with joy, returned to his home. His son was stunned by the look of peace on his face and he asked," Dad, what did you do today that made you so happy?"

He replied, "I ate Twinkies in the park with God." However, before his son responded, he added," You know, he's much younger than I expected."

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Embrace all equally!

~author unknown~

Thank you, Lorena.  You are the ray of sunshine who warmed my soul when I needed it most.  I guess you were God for me that day.  :)

For the record..

..some days I really hate myself.

Change Your Film!

Isn't it interesting how we connect -- or disconnect -- with people we meet or know?  Some you feel an instant spark, an instant comfort level, a knowing.  What about those with some sort of wall between you and them? You feel discomfort around them that you don't understand?  You cannot understand or explain why you feel the way you do.  They are good people, but there's just something about them that annoys you or that you just can't put your finger on.  That little feeling of creepy-crawlies under you skin.

Take a few minutes and reflect upon the people you know now or have known.  Remember your first reaction when meeting them?  How did you feel around them in the beginning?  Did the feeling ever lessen or change? 

Think of the people from your past that you've lost contact with.  Throughout your lifetime, no matter how old, you have crossed paths with many, many people.  Most of which, we know not their names.  Of those names we knew, how many can you recall?  What do you remember when you think of them? Childhood friends?  A neighbor who moved away? What emotions or feelings come over you as you recall each one individually?  Is your strongest memory a positive or negative one?

If during your reflection you find that the strongest memory is negative, then perhaps it is an area of your life that is still unresolved.  Only you can make peace with that negativity and remove its influence from your life.

Understand, this does not excuse another of wrong doing.  Empower yourself by removing the importance of something negative in your life.  Find peace with what happened and change your memory of that person.  See the strength that grew deep inside and enabled you to survive the pain of a time gone by.  That strength remains with you today.  That is positive you can find in a negative memory.

No one has to stay trapped inside a movie that is painful.  Each of us has the power to stop reviewing the old film of our past and start a new one.  Embrace You-the-Survivor. Release You-the-Victim.  If you can make your peace, in whichever way heals and empowers you, embrace it and find your past healed through personal growth and understanding, as well as compassion.

One more really quick thought...

Someone said to me the other day that it seems like they are meeting more and more people who are bipolar. There are also some in the metaphysical, spiritual, and new age circles who believe one reason is because our DNA is changing as the earth moves through the different parts of the Universe and we are affected by different types of energy in our solar system.

What if we, the Bipolars, accepted the challenge of being the "in-between" stage of human evolution? We are in-between who we used to be as a race and who we are becoming. What if we Bipolars have to learn how to accept and embrace who we are to lead an example for others as they are going through their challenges due to the DNA changes?

We MUST learn to not only cope, but THRIVE as Bipolars. WE must be the example for our children and those around us. We must learn, by trial and error, what does and does not work. We must share this knowledge with others as we experience and find it.

Bipolars work very hard to maintain balance. In order to maintain balance you must learn what your triggers are that can bring on episodes. For most Bipolars, stress is a common trigger. Stress is something we have difficulty avoiding in our world today. However, stress is also something that everyone, Bipolar or not, struggles with. If Bipolars can learn to manage stress, think of what we could teach others that do not have the complications that come with being Bipolar??

Is this the example we must learn to live so that others may also understand that we must truly know ourselves in order to survive as a race? That we must learn to accept and embrace who we are, warts and all, and know that we are perfect exactly as we are? It's just that Bipolar warts are easier to see than warts we keep hidden deep inside and never face.

Bipolars are Teachers. Listen to Them. You just might learn something new. It's really not just all crazy rambling.

It's not FAIR!!! Pigs flying and all....

I have so many ideas flying through my head right now. Deep thoughts. Serious insight. I cannot write it fast enough. Last night I came up with three new blog topics. No one is going to read all of this!! But then, do I care? Well, yeah I do. It's the only way I know how to express myself and hope that the ones I love and care about can understand me better. But if they don't, well, that's their loss because this is an opportunity to get to know me a lot better. At the same time, I'm hoping through this blog I will also understand myself better. Last night I was really getting spun up. Couldn't stop talking at 100-miles an hour. Nervous energy, had trouble sitting still. At one point I felt as if I could implode from all the energy I felt zipping through me. Why are childhood memories coming up now? It was clear last night, but I didn't write it down and now I can't remember. Dammit! I hate when that happens! Maybe it will come back when I have time to write about it. The only thing that is different about the childhood memories coming up now is that they are not me in the victim role and someone as the aggressor. It is I who is the agressor and someone else the victim. Having a little trouble dealing with some of those. Don't want to think about them and they keep coming back. Hmm..must be part of what all this meditation stuff is all about. Dragging all the crap and crud and spider webs out of the corners of your mind. Time to clean them up and put them into their proper places. Accept, Own, and Release with Light and Love. Oh yeah, and Forgive myself. Hmmm...

Illustrated Bipolars

Did you know that Bipolar Disorder is a life-threatening illness? It's more than just mood swings. It's more than just your average depression (sadness) that most people experience and much, much different from being super happy and hyper. If you don't have it, you can't truly know or understand it.I came across this graphic the other day and was so surprised at how accurately it describes the thinking process of a bipolar in manic versus depressive states. Change the face on the image and it could be me! It was so nice to see a simple, graphical representation of what I experience on different sides of the mood swing. I'm not always there. Sometimes I am able to maintain balance. Sometimes, I feel exactly as the graphic above describes it. I'm definitely still in a manic state right now. My mood is elevated and can quickly become irritable over simple small things. Ask anyone who has been talking with me lately, my speech has been loud, rapid, and running. (Poor Miss Beverly. She was subjected to a good 30-minute non-stop dialogue when I stopped by to see her during my lunch hour today.) I'm feeling hyperactive and my need for sleep has decreased. I'm filled with a flurry of ideas and am ready to write that award-winning novel and paint my house all in one week end!! I must admit, however, that like most Bipolars I love the manic state. One of the challenges as a Bipolar is accepting BOTH sides of the disorder. We can't embrace the mania and then run from the depression when it comes. However, manic we become, the pendulum will eventually swing the other way and the depression will usually be just as deep as the mania was high. I'm still struggling with acceptance of the depressive side. It truly sucks! So, the next time you aren't real sure about that conversation on the phone or how I'm behaving when I'm around you, just consult this handy little guide. If I cut you off in conversation, it's really not because I'm rude. It's because I'm manic and having trouble controlling the thoughts in my head and the speech bursting from my mouth. If I'm not returning your phone calls or my speech is slurred or different, it's not because I don't care about you or want to talk to you, or because I'm high or drunk. It's because I'm depressive and having trouble thinking clearly or even finding the energy to carry on a conversation when the way I'm feeling is, "What's the point?". My brain is like molasses and I can't carry a thought through all the way. Here's the best rule of thumb for non-Bipolars. Don't try to give a Bipolar advice on how to deal with what they are feeling WHEN they are in the middle of mania or depression. First of all, if you haven't lived as a Bipolar, you have no freaking clue what you are talking about. You can't just "snap out of it" or "focus on the good things in your life" or "remember there are people starving in other parts of the world who don't have it as good". When we are not manic or depressive, then you can try to talk to us rationally. Your biggest mistake is to expect rational discussion with someone who is manic or depressive. HELLO! The reason they are that way is BECAUSE THEIR BRAIN DOESN'T FUNCTION IN BALANCE. The best thing you, friends and family, can do for someone with Bipolar, is to show them your unconditional love and support always. (Unconditional means giving without expectations of reward, recognition, or placing judgement.) Allow them to rant when they are ranting and do not take any of it personally. It really doesn't have anything to do with you, even if we say it does. If I don't write or I don't call, it's not because I don't care. It's because it is taking all my energy to cope with what I'm feeling that day. Anything beyond staying sane, rational and balanced is more than I can give. I'm sorry. If I'm rattling on about things that don't seem very rational or logical or real to you, don't ignore me. I really, really do need you to be there for me and listen. But I need you to TRULY listen. Not just nod your head or say "uh-huh" during the appropriate pauses. ENGAGE me. I have enough trouble at times determining if what I'm feeling is real or not. Please do not dismiss what I'm saying because what I'm saying is crazy-talk. Even if it doesn't make sense, it's important to me. Respect me by listening as if I am recounting to you the way to win the lottery. It's really that important TO ME. Oh yeah, and don't insult me by saying that you understand how I am or you understand bipolar if you don't live with me day-to-day. The only people who can say that are my husband and my son. The rest of you only get glimpses into my life. That's one of the reasons Bipolars go undiagnosed for so long. They are highly-functioning individuals who are very good at hiding what they are going through. We learn coping mechanisms so the rest of the world doesn't see us as crazy. It's when we are alone in our thoughts that we truly feel crazy. Most people don't even know I am Bipolar unless I tell them. I'm that good at hiding it. Most people just see me as extremely happy sometimes and extremely depressed at others, not realizing just how deep or dangerous the mania and depression runs. Please help us not feel crazy. Help us to feel loved and accepted EXACTLY as we are. Believe it or not, we need you. It's not easy living with this every single day of your life. If you really want to know how a Bipolar feels, just do the following. Imagine the saddest you have ever felt in your life. You understand why you were sad. Someone died, an accident, a loss. Now multiply that by 1,000 and have no idea of where the depression is coming from or why you feel it. On the flip side, imagine the happiest and most energetic you have every felt in your life. The birth of a child or your wedding day (or your divorce if that floats your boat, haha). Again, multiply that by 1,000 and you have an idea of what mania is like. Now imagine living like that every single day except you constantly roll between those two extremes.

This is my life with Bipolar Disorder.

Perfection and Warts

Why is it that when someone adopts a particular faith, religious tenet, or spirituality; people expect perfection? How often have you heard comments like, "Yeah, she says she's a Christian, but she said a curse word so just how Christian is she really?" or "For all the spiritual stuff you are in to, you sure are aggressive when you drive! What happened to all the Light and Love stuff you talk about?"

Okay, maybe you haven't heard the second one before, but I have. When I do things that are less than the person I want to be, people are real quick to point that out. "But I thought you were into all that spiritual stuff...?" Although I do appreciate their helping me to realize my less-then-desirable behavior, it also shows their own lack of understanding that following a faith- or belief-system does not mean you have to be perfect. Most people choose to walk a particular path or follow a specific religion because something in it appeals to them. They have connected to it as the "right way to live" for them. It is not because they are already there; the Christ, the Buddha, or the Perfect One. It's not like accepting a belief system suddenly makes you perfect and you can't make any mistakes after that or you aren't "really" following your beliefs.

A belief system should inspire and encourage you. It should help you deal with life in very real terms that enhance understanding of yourself, your loved ones, your community, and the world around you. It gives you the ability to understand, process, and respond in a, hopefully, responsible and loving way. So, yes. I will admit it. I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I curse. I get angry at people. I cut people off in traffic because they make me mad and I'm competitive. I don't answer my phone and don't return phone calls. I could spend hours writing all my faults. All I can tell you is, don't judge me and don't hold me to certain standards. Allow me to be me, with all my faults, with all my quirks. Accept me exactly as I am. Warts and all.

A Not-So-Usual Trip to the Post Office - Part Two

Remember when I spoke about the beggar at the post office that asked me for a dollar and after I had my moment of shame, I gave him five dollars instead? (See A Not-So-Usual Trip to the Post Office blog below.) Well, guess what came in the mail yesterday? A $5.23 refund for overpayment on a doctor bill. Coincidence or karmic return or validation of making the right choice? Maybe that beggar wasn't a beggar after all. Maybe he was an Angel sent to test me?

Meditation...It's not just for mystics and monks...

My life has changed completely and totally since I began my meditation practice. The very first time I consciously chose to develop a dedicated meditation practice. Well, actually, that wasn't how it really started. It started with Michael Bovene. He taught meditation classes at Spiral Circle in downtown Orlando about 3 years ago. I was curious about this thing called meditation, so I took his class. His class was broken down into two sessions. In the first we discussed meditation and then he led us in a couple of brief guided meditations. We were sent home to do our meditation homework each night and then reconvene a week later to discuss our experiences and ask any questions we may have. I went home and diligently attended to my homework each evening. By the fourth night I was beginning to fall apart emotionally. By the fifth I thought I was going to dissolve, I felt so fragile emotionally. When I returned to class the following week, Michael was barely able to ask about our week before I blurted out that it was horrible! I burst into tears and told him if that is what meditation is all about, I felt a lot better before I started it! He gently suggested that it was actually a good thing because it meant that I was getting in touch with things that needed to be let out. I was meditating! For a couple of weeks, maybe even a couple of months, I was a dedicated daily meditation practitioner. Eventually it began to be every couple of days, then a couple of times a week, then once a week, then....Beverly asked me to find someone to start a meditation group at Spiral Circle. Sighing, I told her I would see what I could do. That was a year and a half ago. For the past year and a half, Troy and I have been meditating at least once a week, at first because we had to. After all, if you're leading a group in meditation, well, what else are you going to do for the 20, then 30, and now 45-minute meditations? When we began it was every two weeks and the group began to grow. Then we increased to weekly and the group continued to grow until attendance was so high the room was becoming, understandably, uncomfortable for some. A month or so ago I realized that I no longer meditate because I have to. I meditate now because I enjoy it. I enjoy the little mini-vacations I take each day. I enjoy it so much that sometimes I just don't want to leave that state. I am planning to attend a Vipassana Meditation retreat in Georgia next year. You do not attend this retreat if you are not completely and totally commited to the experience. It is extremely demanding. Almost every account I have read of others experiences have all said that the first 5-6 day are pure hell. But you eventually break through to the bliss and that is where you stay for the remainder of the retreat. And then life intrudes...and that is why it is called a practice. In order to deal with the many stresses, challenges, and anxieties of day-to-day living in our modern, and Western, world we must be diligent in our meditation practice. You must be kind and loving and gentle and patient with yourself. Allowing your experience to be as water flowing down a stream. Something you do not cling to in expectations or experiences, but just allow to come and then releasing until the next thought or sensation arises to grab your attention. Repeat... Join a group that meets on a regular basis to help you remain committed to your disciplined practice. Then force yourself to be there each time they meet. Commit to yourself that you are valuable and the value meditation adds to your life is well worth the time. You are there to meditate and connect with your inner self. Troy and I both feel so very blessed, know that we are so very blessed, to facilitate the meditation group. There are so many beautiful souls that come and share their beautiful energy with us, then they go away again. Some come back. Some stay. But each one is a beautiful shining light that we are grateful to have sat in meditation with. The changes in my life. From the beautiful friendships that have grown and blossomed from our group, to the peace and calm that I can bring to my troubled mind through meditation. The ability to use my mind in such a way to explore experiences in a very personal way that no one can do for me. I use meditation for weight loss. I use meditation for pain relief. I use meditation for boredom (waiting in the doctors office) relief. I meditate at work to clear my mind when I am stumped. I feel more at peace. More balanced. More serene than I have ever felt in my entire life. All I wish to do is continue to learn more about meditation practices, techniques, and formats so that I can incorporate this information into our group meetings. There just are't enough hours in the day for a woman with a mission!! I am equally blessed because my soul mate can play two large crystal bowls for over 2 hours non-stop! He really amps up the energy of our meditations. Meditation truly is the key to a happier, more peaceful life.

Am I crazy...or is it my Siblings...

...and does it really matter? It's been challenging the past month or two to maintain balance. At first I struggled with Brother Depression and feelings of paranoia, fear, and hopelessness. Now I'm on the flip side (and honestly, the side I like better) with Sister Mania. Oh my, but things get ACCOMPLISHED when she's in charge. Full of energy, a zillion ideas whizzing through my mind faster than I can keep up with. Each thought like a star flying through the vast universe of my mind. My body buzzes with the electricity zipping through me and the need to move, to do, to create, to.... SING... "We are Family! I got all my sisters with me...hand me that broom!..." And before you ask; yes, I am taking my medication every day in the prescribed amount and have not skipped any doses. (I know people always mean well when they ask that question but it still gets under my skin.) I also have not self-medicated or taken any other additional medications. I see the doctor in early September so we'll see what he thinks then. Troy is going with me so he can answer any questions the doctor may have about my "behavior". *sigh* This is my life. Together we'll determine if this shift is due to the unusual stress in our lives the past couple of months, or if it's time to start playing medication roulette again. I've sure enjoyed being as stable as I have been the past four years. I know as we age our body chemistry changes, which means the maintenance medications we are using may need to be adjusted. (BTW: This goes for any kind of medication: blood pressure, heart, etc.) I am one of the fortunate ones with Bipolar. Mine is not extreme. Yeah, I can embarass myself and others when I'm manic. Want to kill myself and give up on everything when I'm depressed. But mine is much more easily controlled through life style and medication than for others with Bipolar. I am especially blessed that I found one of those extremely rare soul mates who agreed to come share his life with me, through thick and thin, through heaven and hell, as I experienced the life lessons this disorder would bring to me, for whatever reason I chose to experience them. He has not always understood but he has always been right here next to me. He's never left me. He's always supportive in the best way he knows how and each day he learns more that, in turn, helps me even more. Thank you, Troy. Not only are you the love of my life, but you are the life of my love. Without your love, I don't know if I would have hung in there as long as I have. Without your sacrifices, I know I would not be the beautiful person I am today. I love you.

A Not-So-Usual Trip to the Post Office

There was nothing unusual about the day. While I waited for Troy to finish getting ready to go to our meditation group, I decided to run a quick errand to the post office to mail a couple of letters. Little did I know it was a trip filled with small tests. Tests of my moral character, of my compassion for other beings, of my judgement. It was a late Saturday afternoon and the post office was already closed. I went inside to use the automated stamp machine to get some stamps. When I walked up to the machine I found someone's credit card lying on top of the work space. There wasn't anyone else in the post office and I immediately felt panicked. Don't ask me why, but when you are standing in an empty building and someone's credit card is lying in front of you, you get a little nervous that the owner of the card is going to come flying back inside in a panic and accuse you of stealing their card. Okay, maybe not. Maybe that's only if you are a little paranoid... I pondered my options. I knew I could not leave the credit card just lying there to tempt someone else who has a lower moral code than my own. I thought of calling the bank to report that I'd found the card, but again, was afraid someone would see me standing there with the card in my hand. I finally decided my best move was to put the card in an envelope and put it in the mail slot for the postal workers to find. Hopefully the individual would come back to the post office looking for the card and they could return it to them. So I dug through the trash until I found an envelope someone had discarded. Placing the credit card inside, I folded the envelope up around it, wrote on the outside, "Found on postal machine on Sunday", and dropped it into one of the mail slots. Feeling proud of myself for finding a way out of my dilemma without having to handle the card, I turned back to the task of purchasing stamps. Once my stamps were stuck and my envelopes followed the credit card into the mail slot, I turned and headed for the door. Right outside the door I found a man who looked down on his luck at the best, and homeless at the worst. He had a big bushy beard that was as dirty as his clothing. As I walked past him, he softly asked if I could spare a dollar to help him out. Since I'm starting this blog with this post, you'll need a little background here. In the past six weeks we have had very challenging financial issues with very expensive cat illnesses costing in the thousands, an unexpected emergency room visit, hot water leak that went undetected until just before the $600 electric bill came due, and more fun like that. So, to say I was a *little* concerned about paying the bills is a slight understatement. That was my state of mind when the man asked me for help. I looked at him and informed him, "Hey, I'm no better off than you are buddy. I'm hurting too and don't have anything to spare." He thanked me anyway and wished me a good day as I continued walking past him without slowing. I opened the door and slid into the seat of my shiny, bright yellow new car that I got a couple of months ago before all heck broke loose in my personal financial world. As I cranked the car, turned on the A/C, opened the sun roof, and prepared to turn up my XM Satellite radio, I suddenly became disgusted with myself. Who in the HELL do I think I am to tell this man I'm almost in as bad a shape as he is??? Wow. That sure set me on my butt for a few minutes and gave me something to seriously consider. Then I became angry at myself. Who do I think I am??? How selfish!!!! So, I turned off the car. Pulled out my wallet. Grabbed a $5 bill and got out of the car to give it to the stranger. I walked up to him, placed the money in his hand, and apologized. I told him that I would NEVER be so bad off that I could not help another person. He looked stunned and I felt a lot better when I climbed back into my pretty yellow car. As I drove away from the post office I laughed out loud and spoke to the Universe. "Testing me, are you? Well, the credit card test was a complete insult. I would NEVER steal or use another person's credit card!" A little voice inside my head said, "...and is the primary reason because it is morally wrong or because you are afraid of what would happen if you get caught...?" I am ashamed to admit my first thought was not that it was morally wrong. I was afraid of getting caught and going to jail. That's why I got so scared when I saw the card lying there. I was afraid of the LEGAL aspect, not the MORAL. Okay, so that gave me something to think about. "Yeah, but the beggar. Well, that was a good one. You ALMOST got me on that one!" So a simple trip to the post office actually became quite an enlightening experience for me. You see, we are always able to learn about ourselves in our normal every day lives, not just when we have extraordinary experiences. You just have to keep your eyes, ears, and heart open to hearing and realizing the truth when you hear it. You must put your ego to sleep and own your crap!