turning manic

The song, Turning Japanese, originally came out when I was a teen and it quickly became one of my favorites.  Thinking about it now, I think the energy of the song is probably a lot like turning manic.  It's an almost frantic, loud, obsessive movement of words and sound in your head.  Your entire body is buzzing with energy.  While you may have calm moments within the song, the frantic chorus always returns and overpowers.

It's a true, true blessing to have a partner who has come to understand my disorder almost better than I do.  He can usually spot the beginning of a manic period before I can.  He spotted this one long before I did. I only became aware, or acknowledged it, in the past day or so.  To me it is such a gradual shift that I don't realize it.  Well, that, and I just enjoy the energy, creativity, and confidence that come from it without analyzing where it's coming from.  I'd like to think it's all coming from inside of me.  (Would that be the feelings of grandeur, they speak of?)

Usually, I am only hypomanic, which is not a full blown mania.  Last night I realized I have approached the edge of a full-blown mania.  As Troy and I were discussing my symptoms and how long they've lasted, I realized how far into it I am and how close to a manic episode I have come. I can feel the potential for full-blown delusions and possible hallucinations in the forecast. And I have absolutely no control over it.  All I can do is hang on and ride the wave best I can until it passes.

I don't know how to describe how my mind feels at this point, but it's almost as if there is this "ghost" in my mind and it starts to feel "wispy".  It's like there are two of me and the "normal" me is fading away and the "manic" me is taking over.  It is so hard to describe.  It's like being two minds in one body.  There is a very, very tiny part of my mind that understands social cues and what inappropriate behavior or talk is.  But when the manic mind takes over, I can't hear that teeny tiny part anymore.  I'm not even sure if it exists sometimes, except I will get glimpses of mini me.  Impulse control is almost non-existent.  That is where friends and family are so important to help keep me in check and prevent me from going off the deep end no matter how badly I may want to dive into that deep, blue sea with my water wings.

According to WebMD (one of my fav medical sites):
If you have three or more of the mania symptoms below most of the day -- nearly every day -- for one week or longer, you may be having a manic episode of bipolar disorder.

• Excessive happiness, hopefulness, and excitement
• Check - about two weeks or so now.  Why fight THAT?
• Sudden changes from being joyful to being irritable, angry, and hostile
• Check - There have been occasions where the smallest thing could quickly swing me into anger and hostility, then just as quickly swing back to a joyful state.
• Restlessness, increased energy, and less need for sleep
• Check - Having a hard time sitting still for long periods.  I have that constant jittery feeling in my muscles and just underneath my skin like there is electricity racing underneath and I have to move or explode.  If not for Troy's encouragement, I probably would not have bothered to go to bed at all last night.  I have done quite a few 4 hour nights for the past couple of weeks now, as well. (4 hours sleep per night is not a good thing for bipolars at all.)
• Rapid talk, talkativeness
• Double-Triple-Check - Sometimes I am talking so much and so fast, even I can't keep up.  It's only because my brain is going faster than the muscles in my mouth can move and I cannot control the desire to express everything inside my head to anyone who will listen.
• Distractibility
• Check - Do you mean like while I'm writing this I keep bouncing back and forth between reading the top and bottom of this post and re-writing sections instead of reading it all the way through as intended; as well as update blogger settings, and send a couple of emails as I remembered to do those things while I'm writing this post?
• Racing thoughts
• Check - You could call my mind Speed Racer.  Vroom-vrooom!!  Thoughts are zinging around in my head like a zillion small rubber balls in a small room, bouncing off one another.
• High sex drive
• Check - Troy nor I have any complaints about this one. 
• Tendency to make grand and unattainable plans
• Slightly checked - I started the Spiral Circle NAMIWalks team with the delusion that as soon as I notified people about it they would FLOCK to the site to become a walk member or to donate because they would ALL SEE the Importance of Mental Illness Education because It Is one of The Most Important Causes Of Our Time.  That doesn't seem to be working out so well.  Not to mention, I can't stay focused long enough to work on the promotional materials for the Team.
• Tendency to show poor judgment, such as deciding to quit a job
• Check - or like knowing when to keep your mouth shut or recoginizing social cues?  Having an extremely loud conversation in a crowded restaurant about bunny vibrators and sex-toy stores?
• Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity -- unrealistic beliefs in one's ability, intelligence, and powers; may be delusional
• Check - is it delusional to suddenly feel as if you are a Sexual Goddess and everyone wants you because you exude this irresistible scent?  Have you been around me lately?  Maybe it's not a delusion.  The feeling that I am invincible?  That I can do anything I put my mind to?  That I can write a novel in one week end?  That the chapter I just wrote is the beginning of THE NOVEL?
• Increased reckless behaviors (such as lavish spending sprees, impulsive sexual indiscretions, abuse of alcohol or drugs, or ill-advised business decisions)
• Countermeasure check - Troy is keeping me out of Barnes & Noble.  My friends at work are keeping me in check and making sure I don't do anything I'll regret later.  Definitely have become extremely inappropriate and loud at work.  Thank goodness we work in an enclosed area and everyone in the room knows what I have and understands my behavior.  (Actually, I think I amuse them most of the time.)

All I can say is thank God, thank God, thank God for my husband and my supportive co-workers who also get me. They understand and know not to take me completely seriously or anything I say too personally. They also help point out when I'm becoming obsessive or too hyper. This helps keep me in check and is also why it is so important for bipolars to "come out of the closet" at work. We need people to understand that when we aren't having an episode we are awesome people. Then they can understand when we are having an episode that some of our actions may not be who we really are deep inside and how they can help us. I am grateful to have been safe enough to disclose my illness to my co-workers and receive their full understanding, support, and love.  Did I mention how blessed I am?

As Troy and I were talking about it last night I realized, I usually only blog when I'm depressed.  Talking about my symptoms last night helped get things into perspective and I feel a little calmer this morning.  I also realized the importance of blogging about the mania so people will understand it as well.

I share this next part, not to be lewd or inappropriate, but because I feel it is equally important to disclose this part of my disorder.  When I approach mania my sex drive increases and everything becomes sexually suggestive; such as innocent comments or a song on the radio will suddenly have sexual innuendos.  In contrast, my orgasms are also a lot stronger.  Last night was the highest point of my manic episode and the energy buzzing through me was extremely intense.  Troy and I took advantage of this energy and my orgasm last night was one of those heart-stopping, "I can't breathe", and I-no-longer-exist experiences.  I had intended to get up and do a few things before falling asleep last night, but I literally could not move a muscle and fell asleep.  When I awoke this morning, I felt refreshed and calmer than I did last night before our nocturnal activity.  However, the longer I am awake, the more distracted I am feeling and I can feel that familiar buzz underneath my skin starting ever so gently.

It will be interesting to see how today unfolds and if I will remain calm or if the mania will increase as the day grows warmer.  But, like I said, as long as you don't mind me being loud and talking obsessively, I can be a lot of fun to hang around with when I'm like this.  Just keep the check book and ATM card away from me.

The only concern I have that I am trying to drown out of my head now (because it will surely lead to depression) is the bubbling thought, "Does this mean you're getting worse as you get older?".  I hope not.

We aren't being stupid and realize the importance of my medication.  We will continue to monitor this weekend.  Hopefully, last night was the peak and I'll be on the downslide again.  If not, then I will call Dr Chacko and discuss increasing my meds again.  The only thing I will have to be careful of now is how far down I will slide when I come off this peak.  That's the part that always scares me the most.  That's when I start thinking about hurting myself again.