i hate this whole ping-pong thing i have going on. felt melancholy most of the morning which turned into what felt like a depression by late afternoon. i was a complete and total bummer at lunch today. just couldn't seem to find the energy to laugh. nothing seemed funny. everything was turning gray.
my entire body felt tired. i felt tired. i just wanted to cry. i felt hopeless. i felt worthless. i felt like there is just no point in going on. thoughts of suicide flitted through my mind. i came home to an empty house, sat at the dining room table, and just stared into space, feeling apathetic.
an hour later troy arrived home. i always hate greeting him at the door with my "i'm sinking" look. as always, he takes it in stride. listens to me when i want to speak. gently encourages. reminds me of things i forget. like that he loves me and i'll be okay.
a couple of hours after that steven had me laughing at a story he was relaying to me. a good belly laugh. it seemed to lift my spirits a little. (i've heard a rumor that laughter can lift your spirits, even when you don't mean it.) troy and i continued joking and laughing while we ran to joann's where i got the t-shirt markers and cardboard i needed for my t-shirt project.
a little background info for the next confession. i have a purse fetish. unlike women with shoe fetishes who buy lots of them, i do not buy lots of purses to match different outfits. my fetish is much more unusual. i search and search until i find the "perfect" purse. it has all the features my current purse is lacking or lacks the features i find frustrating with my current purse. once said new purse has been procured, i would dump everything out of my old purse and into my new purse right there at the cashier's counter if troy didn't stop me. that's how weird i get about purses.
but i don't change purses. i use the same one every single day, every single outfit, every single occasion. (okay, small lie. i did change purses when i accompanied steven for his court appointment.) as i use it i will begin to take note of the small "defects". things that just don't work for me. "the sides are too saggy, things keep falling out" or "the sides are too stiff, it's not flexible enough" or "there's no pocket to put my keys in that they don't fall out" or "there's no pocket that will hold my iPhone snugly without it falling out" or "there's no zipper on the top of the bag and i'm afraid things are going to fall out" or... i think you get the picture. i find defects until ... it is time to find the next in Greatest Purses Ever.
i told you all of that to tell you this. tonight, i procured the latest in Greatest Purses Ever. it gets top scores for being yellow! so between the outing for the markers and finally finding the right purse, i was feeling a little more upbeat.
of course, as soon as i got home i HAD to do the t-shirt and so i did. and now it's 12:30 in the AM and i am still awake. *sigh* maybe i should skip meditation in the morning and get an extra hour sleep? i hate skipping meditation though!! but at the same time, i feel wide awake.
some days i really hate being me more than others. this was one of those days.
No comments:
Post a Comment