yesterday was pretty intense. by mid-morning i was feeling jittery. had to take a walk outside a couple of times and stand in the sun because i just couldn't sit still and felt this impulsive need to be outside, in the sun, moving. the sun feels so good on my skin. i can feel it going deep into the muscles. it helps me relax and i feel like i'm being recharged. makes me think of that guy i saw one day driving back from lunch many, many years ago. he stood on the side of the road. he was butt naked. staring at the sun. as we drove by, all i could think about was how good that would feel and i wish i could do that too. it's still one of my lifetime dreams is to have that opportunity but in the middle of nowhere with no one else around (well, except Troy). Not at the intersection of Kirkman and Sand Lake roads.
i had lunch with a good friend of mine, andrea. she's an amazing and highly intelligent woman with whom i always enjoy having her undivided attention for a relaxing lunch. i admire her so much as she devotes much of her time to being in service to others. one of the groups she works with is the homeless, of which a few are bipolar. it's always nice to discuss my illness with others who are genuinely interested in understanding it better and how they can help those they know who are affected by it. bob and chris are like that too. by them asking me questions, it also helps me understand it better too.
when i returned to work after lunch all hell had broken loose and we had all types of issues popping up. they probably wouldn't have been as bad, but with my extreme inability to concentrate it was torture trying to stay focused on one thing. then when you have people calling, IMing and sending emails, it gets even more difficult to stay focused on one task. needless to say, i was at work until late last night. again.
my mouth ran 100 miles per hour all day long to just about any poor soul that would listen or couldn't escape. some of the things coming out of my mouth surprised even me. i ... just ... could ... not ... keep ... my ... mouth ... shut ...
i wish i could get people to understand how it is. it's almost like being possessed. it's a horrible, horrible feeling of being completely out of control of yourself. but the flip side is that it feels so good. once you hook into the mania, it is like a drug and you don't want it to go. you are all-powerful. all-knowing. time becomes irrelevant. you are super-(wo)man. you know secrets of the universe. you can do ANYTHING. you have ALL THIS ENERGY!!!
i know i'm approaching the peak, i have to be. if i go any further upward, i will be scared. i am going to call my doctor on monday. i'm sure he'll want to increase my meds again. that sucks, but, that's just the way it is, right? some would say it's a small price to pay for sanity. that is another concern i have. what if it's getting worse? is it that it's getting worse or is it that i'm just more aware of my symptoms now than ever before? I have never been as aware of myself in a mania as i am right now. normally i would just be riding the winds of whatever emotion is striking me at that moment. while no less intense, i do seem to be able to direct it a little better now than before because it's more real. more tangible. maybe i'm learning to embrace it instead of running away from it. i have to admit, it does feel freeing to be open and just allow it to flow rather than trying to keep it all bottled up inside and squished down tight with a lid.
i've also had a few question my willingness to publicly discuss some of these things. i am deeply grateful troy allows me to share at this level because i recognize it compromises his privacy as well. maybe it is part of the disorder, but i have always believed i could do good things to help people. when i identify something that i am uniquely able to help others with, i have a driving desire to do so. educating others about bipolar disorder is one of those things.
my father was diagnosed with a mental illness. i remember how it was for him when i was a child. he fought his diagnosis and refused to accept it, even though it was glaringly obvious to those around him. people treated him differently and his family did not understand him, much less be there and support him. instead he was critized and called, "crazy larry", and not always behind his back.
now i share his burden with my own diagnosis. i also walk his lonely path. people fear and avoid what they don't understand. there is always shame, anxiety, and guilt attached to my disorder. some discourage me from telling others what i have been diagnosed with. i have felt anxiety when the symptoms begin to manifest and i try to play "normal" for everyone else so they don't see. many times people tell me, "if you hadn't told me, i never would have known. you don't have any of the symptoms i would have expected". is it because i am doing a fairly good job of managing my disorder? maybe i am just very good at hiding my symptoms or maybe they don't understand the symptoms.
if sharing my experiences will help another to not feel alone, then i am willing to do it. if helping someone who doesn't have bipolar understand better what we feel, then i am more than willing to do it. maybe it's also because i want people to see me, the real me.
once you have it, you always have it, or at least at this point in scientific research, this is true, but hopefully will change one day. i live with it every single moment of every single day. i may go weeks or even months without remembering what lives inside my head. but one day, it wakes up and then it takes over my brain for the next couple of weeks or months. i don't get to take a vacation from it. it chooses when i can have a vacation from wild mood swings. i try to medicate it, but it is elusive and its metabolism burns quite high sometimes and is non-existent at others. medication is sometimes just a crap shoot in a barrel full of fish.
it is here, and for now, it lives in the master bedroom in my head.
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