I saw my favorite doctor yesterday. I'm still having hypomanic symptoms so we increased the Geodon another 80 to 160 mg daily and the Lamictal was increased from 200 to 300 mg daily. At the end of my visit I looked at Dr Chacko and asked him, "What do I have?" The look on his face was priceless. I couldn't decide if it was dumbfounded or thinking he may not have heard me correctly.
I know I have bipolar disorder and was fairly certain it was Bipolar I; however, I've been reading material about rapid cycling and mixed episode. It seemed like I have symptoms of both when I read the descriptions and couldn't decide which one, if any, applied. The thought I could have both never entered my mind.
He told me I have classic Bipolar I with rapid cycling and mixed episodes over the past year. I asked him if it's possible the symptoms have always been there but I wasn't aware of them. My meditation practice over the past three years, and especially the Vipassana course, have brought me into more awareness of myself and my mood changes. He said that was possible.
On the drive home from the doctor office I called my Mom and told her what the doctor had said. I asked her about my childhood and if I displayed symptoms then. Way back then, absolutely nothing was none about bipolar disorder, especially in children. I remember very little of my childhood but have more like "glimpses" into the past. I remember frequently getting into trouble for being too "hyper" and I can remember times of absolute depression and wishing I were dead. As a child I didn't realize this were suicidal thoughts. I just thought I was such a bad person that I wished I could just die. Fortunately, as a child, the thought of killing myself never occured to me. I just prayed for death.
Some may think I am obsessing about my illness, but it's really not that. It's like I'm suddenly learning about myself instead of just surviving. My illness is another thing I've never really researched or fully understood. Sure, I've read pamphlets and a book shortly after I was diagnosed but it still wasn't enough to help me understand completely what I was experiencing were symptoms of the disorder. Even as an adult, I have believed it's because I "just wasn't good enough". Something my doctor told me during my previous session when I told him I felt horrible about the thoughts I have sometimes because they truly aren't who I am and he said, "You can't help it, it's the illness that causes you to act this way. It is not a reflection of who the real person is inside."
Those simple words were like someone had thrown a life jacket to me in the huge ocean of self-hate. I have always regreted my behavior, my harsh words, my selfishness, being self-absorbed and seeing the world only through my eyes and how it directly affects me. So much I regret doing when I know, deep down, it's not the person I strive to be, I want to be, I am. Because sometimes, when I feel more "normal", the characteristics I embrace do come out.
So, understanding is the first step. Awarness is the second. What's the third?
Oh and a quick mention of the two women who work in Dr Chacko's office. I love them. They are so kind and caring. They laugh so freely when I make jokes and their laughter warms my heart. I am so blessed and so grateful to have the doctor I have. He literally saves my life every day.
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