I don't know how quickly it is supposed to start working, but I haven't sunk deeper. If nothing else, I would say I'm moving between slight depression and hypomania, with more of an edge of hypomania. I see Dr Chacko this afternoon for a follow-up.
Fortunately, my boss and co-workers are very understanding of my condition and I am able to work from home. This definitely helps with reducing stress. I've also been getting a little more sleep, which should help.
My primary concern is "am I getting worse? Will I get worse as I get older?". That is a truly frightening prospect. I do know this was the worst manic episode I've ever had -- and that's even compared to when I was unmedicated. I also used to say, when telling others about my condition, that I'm "just a little bipolar. I'm not a full-blown bipolar. It's not as bad for me as it is for others."
I don't think I'll be saying that anymore. I was honestly becoming concerned that if the mani did not break, I was indeed going to end up hospitalized. The last time I was hospitalized was about 6 or 7 years ago and that was more to get me off the Klonopin I had been abusing. It wasn't a "this gets me high" kind of abuse. It was from when I was prescribed Klonopin to help with anxiety. However, Klonopin is highly addictive. I fell into a deep depression and started taking more than I should as an attempt to battle depression. Not logical, but I was desperate. When I reached, what I like to think of as, Zombie, Troy got me in to Dr Chacko and I ended up at Florida Hospital for a brief 3-day stay. I certainly don't want to end up like that again! Trust me when I say it's a frightening experience.
What is even more frightening is the realization of how little control I have over my brain. At my brain's discretion I can slip into an altered state in which I have very little or no control over my actions and/or speech. Take a few minutes and think about that.
No, I don't mean continue to the next paragraph. I seriously mean think about it. See yourself at work and exhibiting unusual behavior. High energy, can't sit still. Energy that can't be explained away by coffee or Red Bull. A jittery feeling underneath your skin, almost like it itches but you know scratching the outside won't ease the inside. You can't itch on the inside, so you move your body in an attempt to ease the discomfort that you know is completely and totally psychomatic. But you can't control it and pace. Sudden changes in direction or thought. Unusual language patterns. For me, fuck becomes my favorite word during a manic episode. Suggestive speech that crosses sexual harassment boundaries. A part of you watches as your mouth moves and your body jerks around moving from place-to-place. Your self-confidence is exaggerated. You think you are the funniest person around. You can accomplish anything. You are on-top-of-the-world. And none - of - it - is - real.
Eventually, the mania passes and what passes for normalcy settles in. Next, the guilt, embarassment and remorse kick in. This part eventually becomes a focal point for my glide into depression. I obssess about who I really am and what I've said or done. I feel as if there is something wrong with me. Something weak.
I abhor weakness as does most everyone in my family. We must always be strong and I have tried so hard to be strong my entire life. I obssess over the fact that it's becoming more obvious and I can't hide it as well. Now everyone can see how weak I am. I have to ask for help now. If I were stronger, then I would have better self-control. That is one reason I am so dedicated to meditation. Meditation teaches self-control.
I am hopeful that if I can achieve the right balance of
- medication,
- meditation,
- sleep,
- exercise,
- stress,
- downtime, and
- whatever else I find that I need.
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