Now that song is running through my mind. So I've posted it below so it can run through your mind too. You can listen to it while you read this post, if you'd like.
The past week has been quite the rollercoaster. I seem to be maintaining a little more of an even mood the past day or so although I still have those obsessive twinges that I have to work at releasing. Meditation and my study of dhamma has definitely helped me deal with the things I am experiencing right now. Just the fact that I can sit and meditate again tells me I'm making progress. Since I've been on the new med about three weeks, maybe that is how long it took for it to start working. I see the doctor again on Thursday for a follow-up.
Had an extremely interesting experience with an older woman on Friday at Spiral Circle. She noticed the flyer I had just posted on the wall about the NAMI Walk and asked about it. What I thought was someone interested in the walk was actually someone interested in explaining to me how I have been brainwashed by doctors and the government that I have this illness so they can control me. Thank goodness for meditation! I was able to realize I was losing my temper before I lost it and was able to get quiet and center and not argue with her. Instead, I once again, stopped and listened.
First of all, I'm not a huge conspiracy theorist. I don't believe in pre-destiny and am a stronger believer in free will. She suggested I watch a video she had just posted on her blog from a PROFESSOR who would explain everything to me and help me to see. I asked her, "So, I'm not supposed to trust my doctor, but I'm supposed to trust some guy with the title "Professor" that is on YouTube? I walked away from the experience realizing she was only there to remind me of why we walk. All communities, even the most "enlightened" suffer from misunderstanding and stigma related to mental illnesses.
I was pretty brave. I created a flyer with my face on it and below reads the caption: "Eliminating stigma. Putting a face on mental illness." Yeeeaaahhh. Like wearing the bipolar t-shirt in public, it's scary as HELL. I can just imagine the comments being made about the photo; especially considering I was manic when it was taken and have one of my famouse "The Joker" smiles on. I hate the idea of being labeled before people meet me, but it's the only way I know for people to understand not all the crazies, act crazy. Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm not supposed to call us crazy. I've been lectured that it is demeaning and just perpetuates the image we are trying to move away from.
We can't ignore the fact that some of us do act like we're crazy. I think the image of me being chased by guys with butterfly nets is pretty humorous. Thank goodness it isn't real, but it is funny. We have got to be able to laugh at ourselves and let others laugh too. The real issue is not what we are called. The issue is that people don't realize that some of us are functioning members of society because all they see and hear about are the ones who are unmedicated and act out. If those of us who are brave enough can be the first to step out and admit our illness to family, friends, and co-workers; then, we can begin to change the image and the words used to describe us. But as long as we hide and no one can see what a difference the right medical care and medication can do, the mentally ill will continue to live in the dark, forgotten and avoided.
I've had a ZILLION nudges to start writing my book. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable because I wasn't working on it. So I pulled out my big notebook that contains notes for a future meditation class and flipped to the back to start making notes and writing The Book. Imagine a surprise when I turned to the "new" section and found that I had already started listing chapters. I honestly do not remember doing that. So, that got me started. I spent about 4-1/2 hours writing the outline and first chapter to my book. I am at 2,000 words for the first chapter and am still working on it. This could take a while.
I do have eleven chapters outlined, but they are in a state of flux. As I write and review the outline, pieces keep shifting and moving. Some to other chapters, others to create another chapter. I did a search on the Internet and found the suggestion of 1,700 words per chapter for a 10 chapter book. Sounds like I'm doing pretty good on word count for Chatper 1. However, as I wrote it I paid no attention to word count. The story just flows and I just type. Sometimes, I don't even see the screen.
I'm very hopeful that this will pan out for me. If we can just pay off our home and our cars, then we could work part time jobs and dedicate ourselves full time to leading meditation circles and teaching meditation to anyone who wishes to learn. We could stay true to our initial mission which is to never charge for anything we offer in service to others. I believe accepting money for sharing one's gifts is a slippery slope I do not wish to find myself on. If I am supposed to do this full-time, then the way will open for us to do so. Until then, we just keep plugging away at it.
I was going to fast for 5 days to see if it would have an impact on my journey Wednesday evening. I made it to the end of day 2. I was getting ready to go to bed and went to post on Facebook that all I could think about was food so I was going to bed to keep from eating. In the post, I mentioned cookies and milk. Shortly afterwards I was standing in the kitchen with a half-eaten Oreo in my hand. So much for fasting for 5 days.
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