panic attacks

I don't think I've ever suffered a REAL panic attack before.  Since I started the Geodon I have been struggling with irritability and always feeling "on the edge".  As the weeks pass by, it has gotten worse.  I am exhausted all the time and have no energy to do anything.  I'm constantly gritting my teeth.  Fixing Troy's coffee at night for the next morning can be an effort.  Cooking a meal is an act of perseverance.  A couple of weeks ago I started having trouble sleeping.  At first it was waking up in the middle of the night feeling panicky and worrying about a bunch of different things.  It felt like I had to get up and do something right then before it all came crashing down on me.  I would eventually be able to calm myself back into a slightly anxious sleep.

A week ago, it started happening when I would lie down at night.  As soon as my head touches the pillows all these worries and concerns come bubbling up.  These aren't things that haven't been a "normal" part of life.  Home repairs, money, normal types of things that every one worries about.  But they become overwhelming.  Where you feel like everything is coming to a head and it's happening RIGHT NOW, RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

This is different from the panicky feeling you sometimes get with a known cause, like forgetting to pay a bill or remembering a forgotten appointment.  This is out of the blue, whammy right between the eyes, heart pounding, chest constricting fear about everything all at once!

Yesterday, I had a full-blown, heart-wrenching panic attack that lasted the better part of the day.  I have never felt anything like it before.  My hands were shaking.  My heart was pounding.  I was freezing cold, then sweating bullets.  My chest felt so tight I felt as if I could barely draw a breath.  My head felt like it would explode.  I was beyond the point of tears to utter hopelessness and despair.  The realization that even tears won't help.  Even running wasn't an option because it felt like all this pressure would follow me wherever I go.  Even suicide thoughts came bubbling up.  "What's the point?  It will always be like this."  It took everything I had to battle it with the reassurances that this feeling would pass.  It's hard to convince yourself of that when the attack lasts for hours.

What is going on?  I think part of it is the new medication, which I am stopping.  I'm weaning myself off of it first to make sure I'm not doing something radical.  I will admit, I prefer mania to this kind of heart-stopping anxiety.  At least when I'm manic everything is optimistic and I feel happy.  This is insane, pun intended.

We'll see how I do as I come off the Geodon.  If I have to switch to another medication, then I will.  But I refuse to take Geodon anymore!