perfect!

She says it better than I have...

http://kansassunflower.blogspot.com/2006/07/i-hate-being-bipolar-not-necessarily.html

feeling very lost

I try so hard...but lately I feel like even that isn't enough.  I am doubting myself - doubting what good I am doing - doubting everything.  I'm doubting if I even really know who I am anymore.  I thought I did, but now I'm not so sure.

How can I go from being so confident, so sure about where I'm going and the path I'm following and then when I'm faced with a major challenge, all my confidence and everything I've been reading and studying is just completely blown away?  If I can't apply the things I've been studying when I'm challenged, then am I just a "fair-weather" person?  I think I'm pretty strong, but is that only when things are going well?   When I'm challenged with something that breaks my heart, that I feel as if I've done nothing but fuck up since the beginning and there is no way to fix it, why can't I apply all the things I read and *think* I understand to my heart?  Why does it only work in my head?  Why can't I get out of my heart and my emotions?

It seems like every single relationship I have had that is important to me, the people that I truly do love, I have done nothing but fuck it up.  You may be my friend now, but give me time.  I just seem to have this knack for it.  Troy is the only person who has taken my abuse for 24 years and not walked out on me.  I don't know why, but I do know that if it were not for him, I would have killed myself a long time ago.

He really is, all that keeps me here right now.  I'm tired of hurting.  I'm tired of hurting others.  I'm just plain tired.  The only true relief I see is in death.  Oh, and don't panic, that is *if* anyone actually reads this.  I'm not planning to do anything drastic.  Since I don't really believe anyone is reading this blog (except Lorena, Goddess Bless Her) then this post is more for me to express myself than a warning message for anyone else.

it is way too early...

...to be feeling THIS unBuddha like!!!  Time to breathe....

GREAT NEWS!!!

I have been accepted for the Vipassana Retreat in February!!!  I got the email last night notifying me that I have been accepted.  I AM SOOOOOO HAPPY!!!!!!

Birth of Compassion brings Death of Enemy

From Thich Nhat Hanh in Taming the Tiger Within, Meditations on Transforming Difficult Emotions.

"When you begin to see the suffering in the other person, compassion is born, and you no longer consider that person as your enemy.  You can love your enemy.  The moment you realize that your so-called enemy suffers, and you want to help him stop suffering, he ceases to be your enemy."

URGENT PRAYER REQUEST!

I'm asking each of you to please send out a prayer for baby Parker and his parents. He is 9 months old and having serious health issues due to an inability to keep food in his stomach. The doctors are not sure what is causing this and he will probably be admitted to the hospital today. He is the only child of parents who waited a very long time for him to come to them.

In deepest gratitude

in the Light of Love ..

in the light of love ...

we are whole ...

in the light of love ... 

we are home ...

in the light of love ...

we heal and sing ...

Thy Will be done ...

in the light of love ... 

Om shree dhanvantre namaha

"Om and Salutations to the Celestial Healer"  A mantra for physical healing or for wherever healing is needed...  Close your eyes... listen .. and may you know Peace ... Namaste

i aspire....

...to do this one day... (the drumming and the dancing!)

Canon named after Kwan Yin?

Interesting tid-bit about the company, Canon.  When discussing Kwan Yin, Gary Gach states in The Complete Idiot's Guide to Buddhism, "Canon, Japanese maker of cameras, printers, and photcopiers, is named after her (Kannon, in Japanese)."

Interesting, huh?

a personal pet peeve - email lists

While I was responsible for the Spiral Circle calendar, it was necessary to publish my email address so people could contact me for scheduling.  One of the things I have found to be truly annoying is that, as a result, some (not all) "assumed" I wanted to be added to their mailing list and sent a notficiation every time they have an event.  Trust me, I am quite savvy with the computer and if I want to know what you are doing, I am more than capable of asking you to add me to your distribution list.

I am looking forward to a lot less traffic in my email now.  Hopefully, it will be more from friends and family and less from people trying to promote their own events.  I have missed more than one personal email that was important to me because it was buried in everyone elses announcements of their latest class, workshop, or other event.

I guess what really bothers me is the impersonal aspect of it.  These are usually people I do not know very well and they are promoting events that either (1) I do not see them as someone I want to "learn" from or (2) it's an area that I am personally not interested in exploring at this time.  Many would assume that because I did the calendar I was interested in learning everything metaphysical -- or that I would help promote their event to everyone I know.  Not true.

So, in the spirit of enlightening others, I'd like to share suggested general email guidelines:

1. If someone doesn't personally give you their email address and ask you to send them info, don't send them info.  It's okay to send an email asking to add them to your address list, but be respectful if they don't respond or reply with a no.
2. When sending a mass email to your address list, BLIND CARBON COPY (that's the BCC in most email programs) everyone.  This protects people from having their email address stolen and abused.  It also prevents someone getting caught up in a firestorm when someone doesn't like your email and they Reply to All to tell you about it.
3. If you are the recipient of an email in which someone did not BCC everyone, PLEASE do NOT click "Reply to All".  That's great if you found that email offensive - but it truly does not impress me, an innocent bystander - that you found it offensive.  I may agree with you, but am strong enough in my own convictions that I do not feel the need to shout it to everyone else.  Know me, know my beliefs.
4. DO NOT share your address book with others or swap address lists in the hopes of building your list.  That is such a violation of trust, I don't even know where to begin.

I assure you that if you automatically add me to your email list, and especially if you are nasty to me when I ask you to remove me, that is all the evidence I need that you are not in the right place to teach me, or anyone I know.

what is beyond this lifetime?

I just finished reading, "Many Lives, Many Masters" by Brian Weiss.  If you haven't read it, it is his personal experience as a psychiatrist with a patient he used hypnotic regression to help treat her anxiety issues.  What he did not expect was regressing her into past life times.  Personally, I believe that if there is a life after this one, then reincarnation is a real possibility.  But this post is not about reincarnation; it's that the book has gotten me to thinking about my personal "near death" experience.  So, I decided to share it with my faithful reader or two...

In January 2009, I had an extremely simple, standard, everyday outpatient surgery.  I have had a few outpatient surgeries and never had any complications.  I have no fear of "going under the knife".  However, the experience I had after this surgery completely blew my mind and sent me reeling.

Lying in the operating room as they prepared to put me under, I sent a prayer to guide the doctors and the nurses during the procedure.  As soon as I had finished my prayer, I felt the immediate presence of my grandmother, grandfather, and father.  All of them have passed over into Spirit.  A peace came over me as I quickly slipped from conscious to unconscious. 

My return to consciousness was beautiful and frightening at the same time.  When I began to wake I found myself in an all white "room".  There were no walls, floor, or ceiling, but everywhere was all white.  As I "stood" there, I saw a group of very tall beings before me.  We were finishing a discussion when I felt myself being pulled away from them, as if I were being "sucked" into a vaccuum, and next was aware of an excruciating pain in my chest and feeling as if I couldn't swallow and was choking to death.

Although my experience was very quick and very brief, I have absolutely no doubts that I was in the presence of great, beautiful beings.  My surgery, as I mentioned earlier, was a very routine procedure that involved a female part of my body.  Why in the world would I have this excruciating pain in my chest?  I spent two hours in recovery before my oxygen levels and the pain had subsided enough to be moved to post-recovery.

When I saw my doctor a week later, I asked him what happened.  He wouldn't give me any details other than to tell me that I needed to file a complaint with the hospital so they would do an investigation.  He had never seen the anthesiologist before and even made the comment that he "has never been afraid to have anyone put him under before".  I walked away stunned and with the impression that perhaps I came close to dying during the surgery.

Two weeks later I had an epiphany so strong that it almost brought me to my knees.  I was stunned and speechless.  If you've ever seen the movie, "The Matrix", you will remember the scenes where when they needed specific information (such as how to fly a helicopter) it was "downloaded" into their brain and within minutes they knew how to fly a helicopter.  My epiphany was just like that.  It was instantenous "knowing".  I then understood what had happened to me.

It was a pre-arranged exit point for me.  For whatever reason, I had "planned" this event so that if I wanted to leave this life, I could.  What almost brought me to my knees though, was the reason I chose to stay.  In that very moment, I felt this overwhelming Divine Love that is beyond description.  It is beyond our human capacity to full understand.  I remembered saying to "them", "I cannot leave Troy" and upon saying it feeling that beautiful, pure love fill my soul...my essence...my very being.

As I re-read what I have written so far, I realize that I began this post with, "...if there is a life after this one, then reincarnation is a real possibility."  Let me explain the if.  Until we die, we really don't know for sure.  We can believe our experiences (such as mine), we can believe what we intuit, or feel.  But until we die, we really do not know for sure.

All I do know is that whatever I experienced that day was unlike anything I have ever remembered experiencing before.  It was powerful.  I cannot forget those beings I left behind as I awoke.  They had no faces and no real form, yet I know they "stood" before me.  I do know that they were a representation of everything beautiful, powerful, loving, and hopeful. 

I also know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, I had a choice that day and I chose to remain. 

I'll have to talk to my Mom about the time when I was around 5 and had pneumonia.  If I remember correctly, she said I almost died then.  I wonder if I ever talked about that experience..or if it really happened.  I wonder if it could have been another pre-arranged point.

So for me, there is no doubt that there is something beyond this lifetime.  I do not fear death for I know it is not the end.

expectations

Those who live without expectations shall never be disappointed.  I'm sure I heard this somewhere before, but it has given me a great deal to think about when it came to me again on Sunday.  When one first looks at this statement, they might think, "Oh! That is so depressing!  We must have something to look forward to!"  That's where the disappointment begins.  WHY must we have something to look forward to?  Isn't the cause of most of our personal anguish because we expect a certain outcome in everything?

We expect our jobs to always be there.  When the economy tanks and we lose our jobs, we suffer. 

We expect our husband/wife/children to always love us.  When they don't, we are either bitter and angry -- or filled with self-doubts and pain.

We expect others to treat us with respect.  Each one of us has a different definition of what respect is.  Am I disrespecting you when what you think is a show of respect is different from what I think is a show of respect?  Who is right?

We expect to never get sick or have health problems.  On the surface, you may read this and say, "Well, that's silly!  I'd never expect that!"  But then how many of us moan and groan when we get sick and talk about how much we hate it?!?  If you didn't expect to always be healthy, then being sick would just be another element of our health. 

We expect others to take responsibility for their actions.  Yet, how many of us are so good and pure that we always take responsibility for our actions?  Example:  A cashier at a store is rude to you, so you snap back at them.  Instead of showing them compassion, we return the negativity.  "But it's not MY fault," you say, "After all, THEY were rude to me first!"  You chose to react negatively.  Therefore, it's no ones fault but your own!

We expect others to drive a certain way.  When someone cuts you off in traffic, do you get angry and call them an idiot or worse?  Has it ever occured to you that they honestly didn't see you?  Or maybe they are late picking up their child from day care and will be charged money they don't have if they don't get there on time.  Maybe their boss kept them late at work and they have no one else to turn to.

Our lives are filled with expectations of others.  Yet, if we can show some compassion, perhaps we can exceed the expectations of another?  Perhaps we can help someone who is suffering.

A little game I like to play that I have found quite effective (especially in traffic and with rude people) is that I imagine a story for them.  Perhaps she just found out her husband is sleeping with her best friend.  Maybe he just found out that his mother has been diagnosed with cancer.  When I can imagine such a scenario for this person that has pushed my magic angry button, it is much, much easier to feel compassion and disable that little button.

Try it and see if it works for you.  Remember:  you are only seeing a very, very small part of each person's life.  No matter how well you think you know someone, there are still things you may not know or understand. 

I'm a perpetual optimist.  I believe that each one of us is, at the core, the same.  We all want to be loved.  We all want to live without fear.  We all want our families to be healthy and prosperous.  I believe each and every one of us is doing the very best we can with what we have.

I believe that it is only in ignorance that people may be offensive or hurtful.  I believe that if they truly understood the pain they cause another, they would not cause that pain.  What do most serial killers have in common?  They can't feel emotions.  If they did, they wouldn't kill.  Whose fault is that??

okay! i did it!

For a few months now I have been struggling with all the things I have committed to.  In addition to the volunteer work I do, I also work a full-time job during the day.  A few years ago I volunteered to coordinate and maintain the event calendar for Spiral Circle.  It has been a wonderful three years and I have enjoyed being able to provide a service to everyone, teachers and customers.  I also worked as a volunteer on Friday evenings.

When I first started doing these things, I was just "waking up" from my spiritual slumber.  Over the past few years, I have grown and learned so very much.  I have learned enough to realize that I have so very much more to learn.

In addition to the calendar, working Friday nights at the store and my full time job during the day, I also facilitate, or co-facilitate, five other groups.  For at least six months I have seriously struggled with staying on top of everything I have committed to.  I have also struggled with "just what do I give up?" 

It is very difficult for me to walk away from a commitment I have made, especially when I realize that I do it well and can make a difference.  But when you reach a point of overload, just how much of a difference are you REALLY making?

So, after many months of struggling with just what to give up, the most logical choice was the calendar and working Friday nights.  The calendar had become quite a time-consuming task.  I know teachers and potential teachers were becoming frustrated with me because they couldn't reach me or didn't get as quick a response as they desired.  Understandable.  I was also becoming frustrated with me. 

Although I am truly sad to give up this service to Spiral Circle and customers, I can feel some of the pressure removed from my shoulders and can breath a little more easily.  I didn't realize just HOW heavy a burden it had become until the prospect of giving it up became a reality with the decision to move ahead with relinquishing it.

The lesson:  just because you committed to it three years ago, does not mean it is meant to be forever.  We must ALL remember to go with the flow -- and yet take good care of ourselves in the process.

super nervous

As most who know me, know... I tend to overcommit myself.  A LOT.

People around me have tried to tell me this for over a year now, but being the Capricorn I am, I just kept trying to work harder and more efficiently.  I think I've finally maxed out the Capricorn and am seeing what everyone else has seen for a long time. (I think that ramming-your-head-against-a-mountain-thing is another Capricorn trait I have inherited.)

It's hard though.  When you believe you are helping others, it's hard for me to say "no" and walk away.  But I also realize that we cannot help others if we do not help ourselves first.

Wish me luck.  I'll post later about how it went.

still alive

Just a quick post to let everyone know (or at least the one or two that might actually read this blog) that I'm still alive and kicking.  Have had a lot going on and am finally getting the opportunity to catch my breath.

There are changes a-comin'.

Troy and I have been attending the Buddhism classes at the Buddhist temple off Hoffner Road.  We are enjoying it very much and the discussion in class, and at home, is always so invigorating!!

Will write more later.....