How can I go from being so confident, so sure about where I'm going and the path I'm following and then when I'm faced with a major challenge, all my confidence and everything I've been reading and studying is just completely blown away? If I can't apply the things I've been studying when I'm challenged, then am I just a "fair-weather" person? I think I'm pretty strong, but is that only when things are going well? When I'm challenged with something that breaks my heart, that I feel as if I've done nothing but fuck up since the beginning and there is no way to fix it, why can't I apply all the things I read and *think* I understand to my heart? Why does it only work in my head? Why can't I get out of my heart and my emotions?
It seems like every single relationship I have had that is important to me, the people that I truly do love, I have done nothing but fuck it up. You may be my friend now, but give me time. I just seem to have this knack for it. Troy is the only person who has taken my abuse for 24 years and not walked out on me. I don't know why, but I do know that if it were not for him, I would have killed myself a long time ago.
He really is, all that keeps me here right now. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of hurting others. I'm just plain tired. The only true relief I see is in death. Oh, and don't panic, that is *if* anyone actually reads this. I'm not planning to do anything drastic. Since I don't really believe anyone is reading this blog (except Lorena, Goddess Bless Her) then this post is more for me to express myself than a warning message for anyone else.
I responded to your post on my I hate bipolar blog that you left today.
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Christina
do you know you aren't alone? God if a day doesn't go by that I don't will a semi truck into my lane head on on the way to work. It's not getting over it, it's not forgetting it, it's pretending it's a road block and getting around it. Living life despite it. finding joy in the stupedist thing in the world once a day. I'm not kidding. it works. get yourself a journal. this will be your gratitude journal. if you feel yourself uplifted, laughing, happy about anything at all, write it down. Go back to it in dark lonely times and read it. remind yourself of the joy, pull your self out of your slump. even if it only helps a tiny bit...it still helps. Most days are a fight, such a struggle that it's easy ti wish to give up. but I can tell mother to mother, you'd feel guilty, you can't abandon or hurt anyone you love actually harming yourself. Me too. BUT you are harming yourself, you're mentally abusing you. I do it too, it's the worst. I'm here now, I'm listening, I'm reading, I agree and live it too. you are not alone.
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