This was a tough one, for sure. I spoke to the doctor's office on Monday and he approved increasing my medication (Lamictal) from 150 mg to 200 mg. I don't know if the improvement in my mood is due to the medication increase - or if it's just the natural course of the disorder. Doesn't matter why. All I know is that I am grateful that IT IS.
Each time I go through this and can successfully come out the other side of it, I learn something new. I realize now, and am working to accept, that I do have a serious mental illness. When I admit to someone that I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I always follow it with, "But I am a lower-level bipolar. I don't have it as bad as most do". Instead of minimizing, I have to learn to accept it and live with it ... peacefully. Peacefully, is the hard part.
I also realize the importance of a mood journal now also. I think I have actually been manic for a long time this year and have just finally hit the depressive point. Extended mania is unusual for me because I'm normally the more depressive type. I was just riding the wave and thinking, "Hey! I'm doing GREAT!" Now I realize that it was hypomania, which is eventually followed by depression.
A mood chart will help me chart my moods each day so I can review it over a period of time to see what my high and low periods are, as well as how quickly I'm cycling. I've been reviewing mood charts and am trying to develop something that is easy to use. An iPhone app would really be great because I always have my iPhone with me. If it's on the computer or written in a journal, then it's not as easy to access and more likely to fail.
I have also realized that I need to be much, much kinder to myself. If I don't feel like talking to people, then it's okay to say "no, I don't feel like talking". If I need to lie in bed and cry, then it's okay to lie in bed and cry. It's okay to do whatever I need to do to take care of myself - regardless of what others think I "should" do.
I've also come to realize the importance of meditation in helping me maintain my balance. I have successfully incorporated getting up earlier in the morning just so I can be sure I have my 10-minute centering meditation before I start my day. I also found getting up earlier removes the pressure of being on time to work in the morning. This also helps.
I realize that those who care about me only wish to help, however misguided they may be. I also realize that my expectations of those who are in my support system needs to change. For those that truly want to be a support system for me, they need to understand what I have a lot better than they currently do. Not just pop in with the, "hang in there", "tomorrow will be better", "this is only temporary" platitudes every now and then. They have to be a fully integrated part of my life. I also realize that this is a lot to ask of another person. Therefore, I do not expect it from anyone any more. If you are reading this and you want to be a support person, then YOU have to approach me and ask to be that person. Otherwise, do not be upset if I tell you I don't want to talk to you or if I don't return your phone calls. We all have to realize our own limitations and what we are willing to offer to another person, without compromising ourselves.
This really came home to me when I spoke to a woman after our Buddhism class on Sunday. She is dating someone who is bipolar and was talking about how difficult it is as a support person. It really made me think about my support system, what I expect, and what they expect in return.
The important thing is: I feel better!! One of the teachers in our Buddhism class told me, "You need to take a vacation from your mind". He's right. I think too much about things. It's okay to stop thinking and just be -- especially when I'm struggling with my disorder.
I'm learning...to just....be.... No future. No past. Just this moment right now....
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