why put off today what can be done tomorrow?

Why do we procrastinate?  I've read and heard various "experts" talk about why we procrastinate.  Fear.  Sloth.  (I love that word.  It just plain sounds lazy, doesn't it?)

Do you procrastinate?  Do you know why you put things off?  I'm still trying to understand why I do it.  I'm really a go-getter kind of person.  Once I've identified what needs to be done, I just get it done.  But every now and again, I hit that snag where I just can't seem to bring myself to focus on the task at hand.  Usually, that's okay and I squeak by without a problem.  But when you have a couple of them pile up on you it can get kinda dicey.  Overall though, I think I'm managing fairly well. 

Right now (as in, right now as I am typing this) I am actively procrastinating.  This one has me stumped, I must admit.  I should be cutting up yarn and collecting the things I need for tomorrow nights ceremony.  I also need to finish reviewing the information related to this ceremony.  It is tomorrow night.  I have to work tomorrow.  I already know I have a busy morning ahead of me with little time for anything extra.  Although I am leaving work early, it won't be early enough to do everything that needs to be done, as well as get to the store and get set up before start of ceremony.

So why am I procrastinating?  Why am I sitting here typing this right now instead of going out to the garage, getting the yarn and scissors and cutting? 

Maybe I'm tired.  It's been a very busy, very long month for us.  We've had multiple things going on every week this month. Do not misunderstand.  I am not complaining or looking for pity.  I am absolutely thrilled that we are given so many different opportunities to be in service to others.  It is equally amazing that they are all things that my partner shares with me, both in participation and enthusiasm.

We are approaching our "recharging" time.  Even if it just means hanging around the house, it is a nice time spent together with no one expecting us anywhere at any time.

skull with it's lyric appendage leaning on

a night table which should have exact temperature of a cardinal bird nest

That is the title of this painting by Salvador Dali.  I found the title of the painting humorous because it sounds like something my brother or I would say.  When we were younger we would speak to each other with this strange accent and made up words that, to an outsider, would appear we were conversing in some foreign language.  Neither one of us had a clue what we were saying.  We just had fun faking it.

My sister and I, on the other hand, well, we tend to find our humor in the mundane everyday.  For example, the road sign "BEAR LEFT" will never be the same for me.  We even came up with this really wacky road song.  Something like "Stop! Bear left! Caution! Yield!  Slippery When Wet!"

But what this blog is really about is the Salvador Dali museum in St Petersburg, FL.  We finally made it there and I got to see some of his paintings.  WOW!  I always enjoyed all the optical illusion paintings he is so well known for.  But I remain stunned by the depth and breadth of his artistic talent.  I still cannot wrap my mind around how someone can get a vision in their mind, transfer that to canvas that is 14 feet high and still maintain the desired dimensions!

Another thing I admired about his art are the many hidden images within the painting.  You can view the same painting from three different positions and see images in each position that cannot be seen in the others.  In one painting there is what appears to be three stone archways.  However, when you step back a few feet and look at the picture, you can see that the archways actually form three different faces.

Dali was also known for the "perverse" in his art.  He had a strong attraction to the psychology of Freud and his fascination with sexuality is clearly reflected in his paintings.  One of my personal favorites is Profanation of the Host.   It is the first painting that completely blew my mind and began my true appreciation for his talent.  I stood a few feet back from the painting trying to identify some of the many different images within it.  Some are obvious, while others are not quite so obvious.  The bottom left corner of the painting is dark and difficult to see the detail unless you get very close to the painting.  Standing back from the painting it just appears to be a sexually explicit orgy scene.  As I was standing there taking in the painting, a couple came up next to me and began talking to one another about how sick he was and the sexual imagery.  While secretly wishing they would be quiet so I could continue to savor the painting, I realized that something just wasn't connecting right in my mind. 

Have you ever seen that email going around in which there is a sentence and the letters in each word are all jumbled up or letters are missing, but you can usually still read the sentence?  It's called "matrixing" in which our minds fill-in-the-blanks for us.  (Thanks to Ghost Hunters for that little 411.  LOL)  Our brain will scan for similiar images until it finds an appropriate fit, producing you with the "correct" image.  (Amazing, actually, if you think about it.  Your brain can process that quickly when you glance at a word and within seconds it has scanned every word you've ever seen and returns the word in a way you can comprehend.)

Anyway, this is what I was feeling with this painting.  I could make out the image but something ... just ...wasn't ... right.  So I got closer.  That's when I realized all the women in the painting had a penis!  Even the hairy man/woman-beast-thing had a human penis!  I almost shouted "EUREEKA!!" right there in the museum.  What so impressed me was his ability to take color, shading, light and form to provide an illusion that appears to be one thing, but upon close inspection is revealed as something else.  It's akin to hiding something in plain sight.

There were other paintings that were equally as compelling.  Here is one of Troy's favorites and probably my second most favorite painting.  This painting is called The Font.  It's another painting with so much meaning and detail that even after staring at it for 15 minutes, I felt I had only just barely begun to see all that it contained.

If you ever have the opportunity, vist the Dali museum.  It's $17 for adults; however, you can go to their web site and print out a coupon for $2 off.  A little pricey, IMHO, but still worth it.  We intend to go back again.  There is so much in there to contemplate that I believe your brain just goes into overload and shuts down.  You can no longer appreciate everything you are seeing with the same attention to detail as you could when you first started with fresh eyes and fresh mind.

another peaceful start to my day!

I guess I'm more of a morning meditator.  I seem to find that in the evening, especially the later it gets into the evening, the harder it is for me to sit still and stay focused.  In the morning I find that I can usually go deeper than in the evening.  This morning I did a 45-minute silent meditation which is a switch for me.  Usually I have some sort of soft, meditative music playing the background.  However, I need to start developing more discipline now for the meditation retreat we are attending in February. 

It was interesting to note that the 45 minutes went a lot faster than I realized.  I saw some great videos on YouTube yesterday, each with different tips on how to meditate.  One explained another version of counting the breath.  This morning I practiced using that form of counting my breath as I meditated.  (Usually I count to four on the inbreath, hold for a count of four, exhale to a count of six, then hold for a count of four and repeat.)

Good 'ole monkey mind was in full form; however, I found that if I could allow the distractions, without judgement, and just return to counting my breath (1 on inhale, 2 on exhale, 3 on inhale, 4 on exhale, repeat) it was much more peaceful without the personal condemnation (darn you!  you are thinking again!).

Starting my morning with a good meditation, some singing and chanting, really seems to start the day off peacefully and I feel more balanced and centered.  Why not give yourself permission to enjoy 15 minutes of silence in the morning.  That means silence in movement as well as speech.  Remain quiet and still for 15 minutes and see what happens.  When monkey mind shows up, just start focusing on your breath and releasing the thoughts by disengaging and not carrying them any further.

it's my kind of breakfast

Started the morning with some chanting and meditation.  It's always the best way to start the day.  Starts it out centered.  The biggest challenge is not allowing your mind to get carried away with what you need to be doing next or should be doing or need to remember before you leave for work that morning.

Procrastination is my friend and I am really challenged with that particular trait.  Like right now.  I've got things I need to do but keep putting them off.  If I'd just do them and get it over with, it would be a lot less painful and a lot less hanging over my head.

See?  We create our own suffering.  Guaranteed!

Forgot to blog about our visit to the Salvador Dali museum.  I finally made it.  Will have to do that later though.  I really do need to get busy!!

the week end in summary

It was a truly magnificent time spent with Troy this week end.  We laughed.  We laughed some more.  I love him so very much.  He is my twin flame.  We are so blessed to have found each other in this life time.  But then, didn't we make it happen even though we both had no real reason to ever have our paths cross?  A completely random, chance meeting.

Or was it?

saturday...the concert. it's more than music

We arrived at the hotel in St Petersburg around 5 PM on Saturday.  We checked in and took our things up to the room.  I'm one of those people that has to unpack everything before we do anything else.  We also needed to freshen up and change clothes.

Doors to the concert were supposed to open at 6:30 PM and Troy was worried about us not getting there in time.  (Even though the concert didn't start until 7:30.)  Once we were unpacked and changed, we headed over to the Mahaffey Theater about 10 minutes away.  As we saw people walking toward the theater, we noticed the men were in suits with ties and the women were wearing fancy dresses with spiked heels.  Not quite the crowd we were expecting.  I tried to reassure Troy (and secretly, myself) as we walked toward the theater that we were not underdressed for the concert.

Troy was wearing a pair of jean shorts with his Om t-shirt.  I had on a blue and white Indian-style elephant print wrap-around skirt and a white shirt.  I was wearing my  favorite "Jesus" sandals.  As we saw more and more well-dressed individuals, I began to scan the crowd for people dressed like us. As we got closer to the theater I saw a couple standing off to the side who looked to be quietly engaged in intimate conversation.  He was wearing slacks and a vest with a pony tail. She had long hair, long skirt and casual top.  I pointed them out and told Troy, "See, there are some people dressed like us."  A few steps further and we see Manose walking toward us heading in the opposite direction.  I nudged Troy and whispered, "Do you know who that was!?!?"

Troy said, "yes, and do you realize who that couple was back there?" 

And then it clicked.  Oh.  My.  God.  That.  Was.  Deva.  Premal. and.  Miten.  Back.  There. 

My first thought was, "I should go back and speak with them!"  Then all of the blood raced out of my heart to my extremities and came rushing back again almost causing me to faint.  It wasn't the whole fan-crazy-crush kind of woozy stuff that made me feel that way.  It was the absolute fear...the terror...of actually speaking to them.  I couldn't bear it!

So, I passed up, probably my once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to speak to them and continued walking toward the theater.  The disappointment in myself only begins there.

As we get to the doors there are ushers directing people to different doorways based on the event they are attending.  Apparently all the well-dressed people were there for a wedding.  (Whew!)  We get inside and the theater is a fairly good size, probably about the size of Bob Carr but with real theater acoustics, box offices hanging on the side three levels high.  That kind of thing.  Adjustable stage that accomodates an orchestra.  Our seats were closer to the stage for this concert than they were for the first concert we attended.  We took our seats and I alternated between talking to Troy, closing my eyes and listening to the sounds and people around me, or just trying to listen to my own breath or thoughts.

As it came time for start of the concert, we noticed that the theater probably wasn't even halfway filled.  It was very disappointing to see such a poor turnout for their concert.  The total attendance probably did not exceed 400-500 people, max.  Certainly not enough to fill that size theater.  Unfortunately, this had a terrible effect on the overall environment of the concert.  Instead of being able to hear voices joined together in song, we were too far spread out to hear each other as one.

This, however, also had an extremely positive effect.  After the intermission, Miten invited those of us that wished to song along to come join them on stage and surround them in  semi-circle.  At first a few laughed and no one moved.  Miten laughed and assured us he was serious, to come on up.  I saw a guy in front of me jump up.  I looked at Troy and said, "Let's go!".  Troy looked at me with wide eyes and shook his head.  No way.  As I saw more people heading for the stairs, I told him I was going and headed for the stairs.

I got there early and was able to sit down to the left of Miten, not two feet away from him.  (No, I did not run and push others out of the way.  I walked slowly and peacefully like a reasonable human being to my spot on the floor next to two others.)  Deva is even more beautiful up close than you imagine.  Manose is even more handsome.  I was so excited and proud to impress them with my knowledge of their words to their songs.  So wouldn't you know, the first song we sing I not only don't know the words, I don't even know the melody!!  Aaaahhhhh!!!!

Fortunately, the next two songs I knew the words to and was able to sing along at the top of my little lungs.  I will have to look up the meaning to one of the songs we sang.  I was able to visualize the words in my mind as I sang them, but they were strange.  They almost seemed to glow as each word appeared as I sang it.  Have never really had that happen before.

There were probably 50-60 of us up on that stage surrounding them on three sides.  It was such an amazingly diverse collection of ages and people joined together in song and praise.  When we chanted Om together, I had to seriously ground myself at the very beginning because I felt like I was being stretched out of my body with my head reaching toward All That Is.

I was so certain they would sing So Much Magnificence that I didn't even bat an eye when Deva announced the last song and requested we remain silent at the end without clapping.  I sat smugly anticipating the opening sounds of the guitar or the waves.  Imagine my surprise when she began singing a song I didn't know many words to.  *sigh*

I was absolutely heartbroken.  As enthusiastically as the group around me sang all the previous songs, I knew that singing "Hallelujuah" with them would be bliss.  We finished the song and I sat impatiently waiting for the end of the silence.  As soon as I had the opportunity to capture Miten's attention I begged him to do just one more song.  However, it was too late.  Although he looked around and was more than willing, the spell was already broken.  Everyone had already left that space and begun the journey to their homes.  It was so disheartening and I was ashamed for even asking it of him.

I thanked him and, as soon as the feeling returned to my ankles and feet, I made my way off stage and joined Troy once again.  (The stage was hardwood floor and dug into my bony little ankles until all circulation had been eliminated.)

I have pondered this experience all week end and have come to some conclusions.  Some of which are:

1. Why was I so terrified to speak to them?  Fear.  Fear of what?  Rejection.  Social awkwardness.  (I'm not the best conversationalist.  Just ask anyone who knows me.)  Fear of them seeing something ugly hidden deep down inside of me.  Hero worship?  Maybe just a touch.  I am not worthy kind of feelings.
2. Opportunities lost.  Some things come our way only once.  Sometimes we step up and make the scary choice.  Either way, it's the right choice because something can be gained from either one.  I know that when we passed Deva and Miten, it was my one opportunity to tell them about our meditation group singing their song and the joy and gratitude it had brought so many of us.  It was my opportunity to thank them in person for our group.  I let our group down. It was also my chance to request we sing the song at the end of the concert, which, we ended up not singing.  All because of FEAR.
3. Waiting on others to create my reality for me.  This, I think, was a huge one.  When Susie shared with me that she also enjoys singing the songs like I do and the connection she feels when she does; I realized I was not alone.  She was equally suprised to learn that I feel the same way she does about the songs and chants.  I realized that instead of waiting for a concert in another year for the opportunity that we might be in the right environment and we might sing that magical song, I can create that reality now.  As Troy says.  I'm fairly strong-willed and when I decide I want something, I usually don't let anything stand in my way.  Why should this be any different? 

I share the above experiences and feelings as a way of expressing the many things I learned in attending a two hour concert.  It does not, in any way diminsh the quality of the concert or the music.  It was magical, beautiful, and enlightening.  In a way, I was like the seed in Jack and the Beanstalk.  I grew really big, really fast and reached new levels of understanding.

Life is good and I am grateful to live it.

friday night: dvd meditation psuedo satsang

Friday night we had our DVD meditation.  Although there were not many in attendance, it was nice that those that were there were all completely into it and enjoyed it.  It was also nice to find out that Susie (a fellow concert-goer) is also like me in that she connects with the singing and the music.  I have always loved singing songs in church, but disliked the rhetoric and do not agree with their vision of God, the Divine.  There's just something magical about lifting your voice in praise and adoration for something beautiful and wonderful.  Especially when your voice is joined by many others around you who are singing for the same reason. 

So I'm tossing around the idea of a satsang every now and then on a Friday night after we close the store.  Something completely informal where people come and we figure out what we are doing when we get there.  Maybe develop some kind of format with a period for mantra chanting, singing, and meditation.  Maybe light music like soft drumming, flutes, bells, bowls, whatever; quiet, mellow kind of stuff.  Maybe I can suggest it to the groups and see how many people would be interested in creating it.  I've not attended any true satsangs (unless the Deva Premal/Miten concerts count) and am not sure how to lead one.  Would need some guidance there.  Maybe I can talk to Amber about it and get some suggestions from her.

Speaking of Deva Premal and Miten...I got a CD at the concert that they only sell at the concert.  It's a collection of mantras chanted 108 times; meant for "perilous times".  I think it's something we could use with the group.  Would love to do a different chant each night instead of the 12 oms.  Maybe open the group with 3 oms, then have group, then instead of 12 oms, do the 108 chant CD.  The group could decide on which mantra they wish to do.  Hmm...interesting idea...

While you wait.... a little Deva Premal & Miten

Gayatri Mantra

Words:
om bhur bhuvaha svaha
tat savitur varenyam
bhargo devasya dhimahi
dhiyo yonah prachodayat

Translation:
praise to the source of all things
it is due to you that we attain true happiness on all planes.
it is due to your transcendent nature that you are being worshipped and adored.
ignite us with your all pervading light.

Busy week end ahead!

We have a unique meditation tonight.  We will be projecting the DVD of Deva Premal & Miten's concert in Austrailia onto a wall in our meeting room for everyone to watch.  We'll have surround sound and the lights dim, so it will be so close to being there.  With members of the group singing along, the energy will be so beautiful.  I'm truly looking forward to it!  I hope the group enjoys it as much as I do.  Sometimes my enthusiasm can overshadow reality. 

Tomorrow we drive over to St Petersburg to attend Deva Premal & Miten's concert.  One of our meditation group members is also going, but driving separately.  Troy and I value what little time we have together, so we decided to make it a solitary trip with just ourselves.  We got a decent hotel room and will spend the night.  Maybe I can FINALLY make it to the Salvadore Dali museum now!!

It's 4:59!  Time to go to meditation!!  Have a great week end everyone!!!

it's a sad day today....

....had to have Shadow, my faithful panther-like cat-panion of 18 years euthanized today.  he passed of chronic old age.  it was expected, but still incredibly sad.  i held him and whispered, "i love you, shad-man" as he quietly went to sleep.  rest in peace, my beloved friend.  i will miss you.