saturday...the concert. it's more than music

We arrived at the hotel in St Petersburg around 5 PM on Saturday.  We checked in and took our things up to the room.  I'm one of those people that has to unpack everything before we do anything else.  We also needed to freshen up and change clothes.

Doors to the concert were supposed to open at 6:30 PM and Troy was worried about us not getting there in time.  (Even though the concert didn't start until 7:30.)  Once we were unpacked and changed, we headed over to the Mahaffey Theater about 10 minutes away.  As we saw people walking toward the theater, we noticed the men were in suits with ties and the women were wearing fancy dresses with spiked heels.  Not quite the crowd we were expecting.  I tried to reassure Troy (and secretly, myself) as we walked toward the theater that we were not underdressed for the concert.

Troy was wearing a pair of jean shorts with his Om t-shirt.  I had on a blue and white Indian-style elephant print wrap-around skirt and a white shirt.  I was wearing my  favorite "Jesus" sandals.  As we saw more and more well-dressed individuals, I began to scan the crowd for people dressed like us. As we got closer to the theater I saw a couple standing off to the side who looked to be quietly engaged in intimate conversation.  He was wearing slacks and a vest with a pony tail. She had long hair, long skirt and casual top.  I pointed them out and told Troy, "See, there are some people dressed like us."  A few steps further and we see Manose walking toward us heading in the opposite direction.  I nudged Troy and whispered, "Do you know who that was!?!?"

Troy said, "yes, and do you realize who that couple was back there?" 

And then it clicked.  Oh.  My.  God.  That.  Was.  Deva.  Premal. and.  Miten.  Back.  There. 

My first thought was, "I should go back and speak with them!"  Then all of the blood raced out of my heart to my extremities and came rushing back again almost causing me to faint.  It wasn't the whole fan-crazy-crush kind of woozy stuff that made me feel that way.  It was the absolute fear...the terror...of actually speaking to them.  I couldn't bear it!

So, I passed up, probably my once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to speak to them and continued walking toward the theater.  The disappointment in myself only begins there.

As we get to the doors there are ushers directing people to different doorways based on the event they are attending.  Apparently all the well-dressed people were there for a wedding.  (Whew!)  We get inside and the theater is a fairly good size, probably about the size of Bob Carr but with real theater acoustics, box offices hanging on the side three levels high.  That kind of thing.  Adjustable stage that accomodates an orchestra.  Our seats were closer to the stage for this concert than they were for the first concert we attended.  We took our seats and I alternated between talking to Troy, closing my eyes and listening to the sounds and people around me, or just trying to listen to my own breath or thoughts.

As it came time for start of the concert, we noticed that the theater probably wasn't even halfway filled.  It was very disappointing to see such a poor turnout for their concert.  The total attendance probably did not exceed 400-500 people, max.  Certainly not enough to fill that size theater.  Unfortunately, this had a terrible effect on the overall environment of the concert.  Instead of being able to hear voices joined together in song, we were too far spread out to hear each other as one.

This, however, also had an extremely positive effect.  After the intermission, Miten invited those of us that wished to song along to come join them on stage and surround them in  semi-circle.  At first a few laughed and no one moved.  Miten laughed and assured us he was serious, to come on up.  I saw a guy in front of me jump up.  I looked at Troy and said, "Let's go!".  Troy looked at me with wide eyes and shook his head.  No way.  As I saw more people heading for the stairs, I told him I was going and headed for the stairs.

I got there early and was able to sit down to the left of Miten, not two feet away from him.  (No, I did not run and push others out of the way.  I walked slowly and peacefully like a reasonable human being to my spot on the floor next to two others.)  Deva is even more beautiful up close than you imagine.  Manose is even more handsome.  I was so excited and proud to impress them with my knowledge of their words to their songs.  So wouldn't you know, the first song we sing I not only don't know the words, I don't even know the melody!!  Aaaahhhhh!!!!

Fortunately, the next two songs I knew the words to and was able to sing along at the top of my little lungs.  I will have to look up the meaning to one of the songs we sang.  I was able to visualize the words in my mind as I sang them, but they were strange.  They almost seemed to glow as each word appeared as I sang it.  Have never really had that happen before.

There were probably 50-60 of us up on that stage surrounding them on three sides.  It was such an amazingly diverse collection of ages and people joined together in song and praise.  When we chanted Om together, I had to seriously ground myself at the very beginning because I felt like I was being stretched out of my body with my head reaching toward All That Is.

I was so certain they would sing So Much Magnificence that I didn't even bat an eye when Deva announced the last song and requested we remain silent at the end without clapping.  I sat smugly anticipating the opening sounds of the guitar or the waves.  Imagine my surprise when she began singing a song I didn't know many words to.  *sigh*

I was absolutely heartbroken.  As enthusiastically as the group around me sang all the previous songs, I knew that singing "Hallelujuah" with them would be bliss.  We finished the song and I sat impatiently waiting for the end of the silence.  As soon as I had the opportunity to capture Miten's attention I begged him to do just one more song.  However, it was too late.  Although he looked around and was more than willing, the spell was already broken.  Everyone had already left that space and begun the journey to their homes.  It was so disheartening and I was ashamed for even asking it of him.

I thanked him and, as soon as the feeling returned to my ankles and feet, I made my way off stage and joined Troy once again.  (The stage was hardwood floor and dug into my bony little ankles until all circulation had been eliminated.)

I have pondered this experience all week end and have come to some conclusions.  Some of which are:

1. Why was I so terrified to speak to them?  Fear.  Fear of what?  Rejection.  Social awkwardness.  (I'm not the best conversationalist.  Just ask anyone who knows me.)  Fear of them seeing something ugly hidden deep down inside of me.  Hero worship?  Maybe just a touch.  I am not worthy kind of feelings.
2. Opportunities lost.  Some things come our way only once.  Sometimes we step up and make the scary choice.  Either way, it's the right choice because something can be gained from either one.  I know that when we passed Deva and Miten, it was my one opportunity to tell them about our meditation group singing their song and the joy and gratitude it had brought so many of us.  It was my opportunity to thank them in person for our group.  I let our group down. It was also my chance to request we sing the song at the end of the concert, which, we ended up not singing.  All because of FEAR.
3. Waiting on others to create my reality for me.  This, I think, was a huge one.  When Susie shared with me that she also enjoys singing the songs like I do and the connection she feels when she does; I realized I was not alone.  She was equally suprised to learn that I feel the same way she does about the songs and chants.  I realized that instead of waiting for a concert in another year for the opportunity that we might be in the right environment and we might sing that magical song, I can create that reality now.  As Troy says.  I'm fairly strong-willed and when I decide I want something, I usually don't let anything stand in my way.  Why should this be any different? 

I share the above experiences and feelings as a way of expressing the many things I learned in attending a two hour concert.  It does not, in any way diminsh the quality of the concert or the music.  It was magical, beautiful, and enlightening.  In a way, I was like the seed in Jack and the Beanstalk.  I grew really big, really fast and reached new levels of understanding.

Life is good and I am grateful to live it.