who am I? why am i here?

Back in May we visited my brother and his wife who were graduating from college.  During our visit my brother was telling me about some kind of computer program he was using for character mapping or personality mapping or family mapping or something like that.  It's a geeky way of introspection.  I got a glimpse of one of the items he had tagged me with.  It was the word "peace".  He explained something about my life has been searching for peace. 

It's interesting to reflect back upon the stones in the pathway behind you that have supported you along your journey to this point.  There are many different sizes and shapes.  When you glance back, it may appear that some are missing, but it is only because they reappear in the pathway before you.

There have been many pieces along my pathway.  Some I am conscious of; such as our son starting college and obtaining a level of independence.  It was a point when his safety and well-being and activities and homework were no longer my number one priority in life.  It was when I began to realize how unbalanced I was as a person.

Reading the book, "The Why Are You Here Cafe" by John Strelecky.  His book made me start asking the question, "Why am I here?  What am I here to do?  Am I here to do anything?"  Shortly after finishing his book, I found myself standing in the shower; my tears mingling with the water as it streamed down my face and I realized one of the reasons why I am here.  Today I know there are many, many more than one.

Ricardo is another stone that is absent behind me but always in front of me, returning.  He introduced me to Buddhism and Spiral Circle.  His referral to Spiral Circle was the wind of change that carried the seeds of possibility before me and lay before me upon my path. 

Beverly at Spiral Circle is the stone who provides me with guidance and encouragement to help me decide which of the seeds I had gathered from my path that I wish to plant along the way and how to care for them.  She suggested how to gently remove the plants that are no longer needed.

Then, one day, I asked the question, "Who am I?"

Troy was shocked when I shared with him that I had never asked myself that question before.  He could not believe someone my age had never pondered that question before now.  Perhaps you are equally as shocked too.  Perhaps not.  Irregardless, I finally asked myself the question.

That does not mean I didn't have an identity.  I did.  I was:  Troy's wife.  Steven's Mom.  A Sister.  A Daughter.  A Granddaughter.  An HRMS Analyst.   A flakey friend.  A blonde.  A geek. A weirdo.  An oddball.  Too fat.  Too lazy....and it continues on from there with other not-so-nice words that follow "I am" quite well when you don't like yourself.

But who.....am.....I?  Those are all descriptions, functions that I fulfill.  Perhaps one of the reasons I was so unhappy for so long was because I felt I was a failure at most of the things I identified as me.  A wife. A mom. A sister. A daughter. A granddaughter.  A worker.  A female.  A friend.

Now I am examining the question, "Who am I" in depth.  Perhaps that is why this meditation course has come to me.  Maybe I am ready to ask that question in depth, without distraction.  I may or may not discover the answer and I may or may not like it.  I may come away with even more questions. Regardless, I now know that I am a seeker.  I seek truth.  I seek love.  I seek peace.  It does not mean wisdom or understanding or discernment. It does not mean enlightenment.  It just means that I am forever flowing, forever changing.  Always seeking.

Which brings me back to my brother and the word "peace" staring up at me from his computer screen.  Perhaps he knows me a little better than I realized.