just keeping it together...

Super busy the next two days and am trying to keep an even keel.  i focalize tonight's medicine wheel ceremony.  we probably won't get home and in bed until 1 or 2 am.  then back up to decide which music to use for our 6 PM meditation saturday night and get laundry done before meditation.  back home after meditation and in bed around 1 or 2 am again.  then up early to drive to the panhandle so steven and i can visit my grandmother (his great-grandmother).  it's about an 8 hour drive (ugh) but will be fun in my car.  i love driving my car, so maybe it will make the trip a little less weary.  of course, i'm sure steven can keep me entertained the whole way.  he has lots to say on a wide variety of topics so there's always lots to talk about.  i just have to keep him away from too much car talk!  LOL

i am looking forward to the trip and seeing my family.  hate the drive and wish we could stay longer, but things are busy here and i can't afford to be away for too long.

right now i'm in maintenance mode.  i just push ahead so i can do what i've got to get done until i finally break through the other side.  up side is that once i get to the farm on sunday, it will be pure relaxation.  even one day there can be like a week on vacation anywhere else.  i am looking forward to it!

status

just a quick update.  feeling a little blah.  started feeling a little down yesterday and as the day went on it got heavier.  on the upside, i actually cooked dinner for a change and with steven's help, dinner was eaten and dishes were washed by 8:30 last night.

i think i know what's brought this case of the blues on... the weather really doesn't help.  i need sunshine! 

got news my grandmother had a TIA (precursor to stroke) so steven and i are driving up on Sunday and will drive home on Tuesday.  wish i could go for longer, but i have ceremony friday night and meditation saturday night.  it will be good to see her and time on the farm ALWAYS makes me feel better.

WOW!! Alice In Wonderland trailer!!!

WOW!!!  Check out this preview to Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland!!  OMG!!  Release date March 5, 2010... and we'll be at the RETREAT!!!  It will probably (hopefully) be at least a couple of weeks before I will be THAT reintegrated into reality!!  I just might be joining Alice down that rabbit hole after spending 10-days in silence!!  LOL

Looks like a movie that will be kickin' on the big screen, so I hope to see it in a theater...maybe even IMAX.  If not, I'll just have to check it out on Steven's HDTV.  If you click on the image to the right, you can see a larger version of the picture.  WOW!!!

CLICK HERE to check it out!!

Post what you think after you watch it!

If you love me.....

If you love me ... or want to understand me better ... please, please go to this web site and read about Bipolar Disorder. The author of the site has done a great job of breaking things down into a simple, easy-to-read format and she explains things quite elegantly.  Bipolar-Lives.com

100% and Christmas/Holiday cards

I'm feeling like myself again (whatever that is LOL) and am grateful.  I know it's not the new med because it hasn't had time to start really working yet, but am grateful that the cycle is back on the upswing.

So this morning's topic is Christmas/holiday cards.  We've only received a few so far, but have noticed that more and more people are no longer signing their holiday cards.  Now you get either pre-printed names or labels stuck to the inside of the card.

Now, I realize that everyone is busy and if you have a lot of cards you want to send out it's a lot easier and quicker to use labels or pre-printed cards.  Right or wrong, I have always wondered when nothing is handwritten in the card (such as the signature or at least a brief message with pre-printed cards/labels) if the sender really gave any thought to me/us when they sent it or if it's just the obligatory holiday card.

When I send out holiday cards, I always think of the person/people I am sending it to when I fill out the card for them.  I handpick the design based on the individual and even if I write the same thing in every card, I always think of the person when I sign it.

Troy and I have a friend that we have not seen or spoken to in over 10 years, yet every single year she not only sends us a holiday card, but always handwrites a personal message.  Every year when I open her card, I can feel the love and friendship she sealed in the envelope with it before she sends it to us.  I know she put thought into her card and wishes to us; that they are heartfelt.

Maybe it's just me, but I've always been really funny about greeting cards.  I cannot send a card that doesn't express how I truly feel about someone. 

Maybe we all need to slow down and re-evaluate our friendships and the ones we send holiday cards to.  Is it a general wish that is felt the same for all mankind?  If so, then why a personal card?  However, if it's truly heartfelt, then isn't the recipient worthy of at least your signature on the card?

Just my two cents.  What do you think??  There is no right or wrong and I welcome others opinions on this topic.

Have a beautiful day!!  And here's a little something to make you smile... if you can't read the card, just click on it and you'll get a larger image.

Today is a 70% day...not bad, but not quite 100% yet

I'm feeling a little better today.  Saw the doctor yesterday and we decided to add an anti-depressant, Lexapor.  Someone I know was put on it who is also taking Lamictal (same as me) and has reported success with it, so I'm hopeful it will be the same for me.  We should know in about 3 weeks since it takes that long for the medication to show any clear results.

Had a dream last night that definitely expresses the anxiety I am feeling.  I dreamed I was at Fashion Square Mall shopping.  I had gone to the bathroom a couple of times while I was there.  Whenever I have my iPhone with me and I go to the bathroom, I usually like to check my mail, stuff like that.  As I was walking through the mall I realized I had left my iPhone in the bathroom.  Since I had been to more than one bathroom, I had no idea which I had left it in.  However, I was in a hurry and needed to get somewhere so I thought I'd just check with the information desk later.  (Not much I can do if someone stole it and didn't turn it in.) 

So I walked out to the parking lot and my car was gone!  Someone had stolen it!  So I went back into the mall to go to the Information Desk and ask them to let me use their phone.  As I'm talking to them I realize, "Oh yeah!  I have Lo-Jack AND OnStar on my car!", so all I have to do is call Lo-Jack and they can locate my car for the police and OnStar can kill the engine.  I reach into my purse to get my wallet which contains the ID card with the LoJack phone number and my vehicle VIN on it.  Guess what was missing?  My wallet!  I had lost it as well!

Needless to say, made me a little nervous to leave the house today.  I know that when I'm in the state of mind I am in right now, I have trouble focusing and keeping it together, so I easily misplace things.

However, I'm fairly certain I know where it all came from - definitely anxiety-induced.  I feel guilty about the iPhone because it's an added expense for us.  I also feel guilty about my car because it really made things tight for us.  Missing wallet?  Definitely, because I feel like there isn't enough money.

struggling a little bit here

I see my doctor today, so that's a good thing. Still finding I can be just fine one minute, then just as easily flip and become depressed. Feeling a little anxiety and my chest is tight. Maybe he can give me something to help ease me through the holidays. I really do hate the holidays. I've already cut out giving gifts to anyone, but I still struggle with not being able to give. Even though the budget doesn't really change, it almost seems like I feel even more pressure with the budget during the holidays. Maybe just the reminder when I look at my bank balance that I can't do anything for anyone. This year, I'm even struggling just doing for Steven, and that REALLY stresses me out! Not to mention, what he wants is to expensive. *sigh*

Trying to take deep breaths. Right now, just trying to keep from bursting into tears. I hate fighting back the tears. And it's really hard for me to hide how I'm feeling so everyone at work thinks I'm not friendly, when all I'm trying to do is keep it together and not burst into tears.

Doesn't help that this is one of the more stressful times at work and it's not helping how I feel.

Drugs...drugs...give me drugs... Trying to meditate, and that helps, but it's a really struggle to keep the calm and balanced state of mind.

We'll see what the doc says..

Guang Ming Temple

This is the temple Troy and I attend classes at.  Love the accompanying music.

Guang Ming Temple from Guang Ming Temple on Vimeo.

Dark, damp, & dreary outside - Sunny skies inside

It's wet, dark, dreary, and cold outside.  This is the first Saturday in over three months that we don't have a commitment to do something or go somewhere.  I guess when you are always on the go, you do learn to appreciate those rare moments that are commitment-free!

Right now, I'm cooking a pot of chili.  I only fix my "special" chili, with it's highly addictive SECRET ingredient, when the weather is cold.  The chili is almost ready, then I'm going to grab a bowl and sit in front of the tube for a little while.  Then, well, who knows what I'll do next?!?  There's a meditation package I've had for at least a year that I've wanted to dig into, so maybe that?  Or maybe I can FINALLY finish the Buddhism book I've been reading for the past month so I can start reading another one.

Going to temple tomorrow morning for class, then off to work for a few hours.  Hope you have a wonderful week end.  Remember, it doesn't matter what it looks like outside - all that matters is how you feel INSIDE!

2012 and Tiger Woods

You may wonder, what has 2012 got to do with Tiger Woods?  I'll tell you what.  I'm sick of hearing about both already!!!

What bugs me about 2012 is all the mis-information and fear associated with it.  The Mayan's DID NOT forecast 2012 as the "end of the world".  How in the world did "end of the Mayan calendar" become "end of the world"?    (Anyway, what do you do when the year ends?  You put up a new calendar!)  They didn't forecast anything.  They stated a fact.  Their calendar ends in 2012.  2012 is the beginning of a new era based on Mayan prophecy.  Astrologically, it is when we move from the Era of Aquarius to the Era of Pisces (if I recall correctly).  Perhaps it's the word "prophecy" that we immediately associate with doom.  What they are forecasting is HOPE.  This is the same for the Hopi, Navajo, and many other cultures.  They are forecasting that while these are tumultous times with earth changes, it is also a time when we are realizing that materialism is NOT all that matters.  It is a belief that we will begin to turn inward and return to a time when family was important and we did believe it took a village to raise a child.  I believe that we ARE seeing the sprouting of this now with our increased awareness of our impact on the environment,  taking responsibility for the limited resouces on our planet (and yes, they are limited), and increased compassion.  So, RELAX, 2012 IS NOT the end of the world.

Why not focus on what the true message of 2012 is?  Changes in ourselves.  Turning inward.  Focusing on who we are and what our role is in the world.  The return of balance between the masculine and feminine.  What we are here to do.  Surely it's not to collect material possessions.  I don't believe whomever dies with the most toys wins.

Moving on to Tiger Woods.  A lot bothers me about this.  First, our fascination with celebrity train wrecks.  I don't care if they are famous or role-models or anything else.  They are human beings, first and foremost.  How would YOU like having your mistakes dragged before the public and then being judged by them when people don't know ALL the facts??

Second, when I hear women, say, "Oh, if he cheated on me, I'd leave his ass."  Wow.  That says a lot.  That says, "I love you, but not unconditionally.  You can't make a mistake.  You can't be at fault in any way.  You must always be perfect."  That's one reason why so many marriages fail today.

Third, we may have opinions of what we'd do or what they "should" do; but until you walk that path, you really DON'T know what you WOULD do!

Fourth, we DO NOT know all the FACTS of this relationship.  Therefore, how can any of us comment or make judgement on it???  All we see is this hot looking lady and can't understand why in the world a man would cheat on someone so hot.  If she were unattractive, then some would feel differently.  I can hear people, "well, the girl he was cheating with IS a lot hotter than the one he's married to..." 

Fifth, and this one definitely will upset some people.  When a spouse cheats on the other, there is often fault on BOTH sides.  Very seldom is the one cheated on completely innocent.  I don't mean they have also cheated, but perhaps they are withholding affection?  Come on ladies.  How many times have you been pissed and said, "You ain't gettin none until I'm not angry at you anymore?"  Women are DEFINITELY one's who will withhold the lovin' when they aren't getting what they want.  Men, on the other hand, can be mad at you and make love to you at the same time.  It's the way we're wired.

Most important of all, let's respect them and extend privacy to them even more now than before.  They need it.  Our continued desire and obsession with them is only making it more difficult for them to work out.  Is it because we WANT the drama?  If so, we are wanting drama at the cost of others.  Don't forget.  There are two innocent children also caught up in this drama.  Do you really want to take an active part in contributing to the energy that keeps this spinning out of control?  Or would you rather afford them the privacy to work it out and possibly keep two children from becoming two more victims of a broken home??

So...that's my rant for today.  Please comment and share YOUR thoughts on these subjects!  Carry on....

Scientists identify mental illness gene

My brother-in-law had this article posted on Facebook.  It's encouraging that they are making progress in identifying the dysfunctional gene.  Hopefully we will see improvements to treatment for mental illnesses and less of the guess work!

(Click on the title above or here to go to the original article.)
An international team of researchers, led by the University of Edinburgh, compared genes of 2,000 psychiatric patients to 2,000 healthy people to pinpoint the 'ABCA13' gene.

They discovered it is partially inactive in patients suffering severe illnesses such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and depression.

The results suggest the gene plays a crucial role in maintaining brain health as scientists found it was faulty more frequently in patients with mental illness than the control group.

Identifying the genes that predispose people to psychiatric illness is considered the most important step in developing new ways to tackle the condition.

Lead researcher Douglas Blackwood, professor of Psychiatric Genetics at the University of Edinburgh, said the discovery would help the development of new drugs to treat mental illness.

He said: ''This is an exciting step forward in our understanding of the underlying causes of some common mental illnesses.

''These risk genes could signpost new directions for treatments.''

Dr Ben Pickard, of the University of Strathclyde, said the team believed ABCA13 influences the way fat molecules are used in the brain.

They are now focused on finding out exactly how that occurs.

Dr Pickard said: ''This study is the first to identify multiple points of DNA damage within a single gene that are linked with psychiatric illness.

''It strongly suggests that this gene may regulate an important part of brain function that fails in individuals diagnosed with these devastating disorders.''

The research results are published in the American Journal of Human Genetics.

being fully present

As you can probably tell if you're reading my posts, I've been feeling better lately.  Maybe the increase in meds has helped.  I think part of my struggle with depression is due to the holidays.  I usually have an extremely hard time coping during the holidays.  Many people do.

I have also been sticking to my schedule of meditating every morning for 10-15 minutes before going to work.  That also seems to be helping to keep me balanced and focused.

One of the things I've come to realize about my pursuit of mindfulness, is that it's a full time job!!  You don't realize just how on auto-pilot we are a lot of the time until you direct your attention and focus to remaining mindful and aware of the moment you are currently experiencing.  For me, I'm fully aware maybe 10% of the time.

A great example is talking on the phone.  How many people actually sit down and focus their attention on nothing but the conversation on the phone?  Many are multi-tasking: driving, reading their mail, picking up around the house, shopping, watching TV, etc.

Here's a challenge for you.  The next time you are on the phone, try sitting still and putting your entire focus on the phone conversation.  If you find yourself becoming impatient or fidgety, examine why you are feeling that way.  Is it because you want to be doing something else?  Is it because you really aren't interested in the conversation?  Is it an obligation call?  Is this person not worthy of your full and complete attention?

When we do not give our complete attention to whatever we are doing and/or try to multi-task, we are not fully present.  Although multi-tasking would lend to the illusion that you are accomplishing a lot, you really aren't accomplishing anything.  Whatever you are doing cannot be done to the best of your ability because it doesn't have your full attention.  You are partially accomplishing.

Un-learning multi-tasking is very challenging.  Not multi-tasking and giving your full attention to the task at hand, is very rewarding.

BS & t-shirts

I just LOVE bumper stickers and t-shirts with sayings on them.  So many wonderful, inventive, creative things have been expressed via bumper stickers and t-shirts.  Unfortunately, bumper stickers are slowly going the way of "not cool" because they make your car look "junky".  During a visit to Atlanta earlier this year, I noticed very few cars had bumper stickers.  The same for Orlando.  It's a dying way of expressing yourself.  However, not one to worry about what others think, I also like sharing my thoughts with others via bumper stickers and t-shirts.  I put my bumper stickers on magnets, then I can change them out based on my mood without damaging the resale value on my car.  Here are a few I picked up from a catalog I got the other day.  For your enjoyment...

• Speak your mind even if your voice shakes!  (This one I can personally relate to!)
• You may say I'm a DREAMER but I'm not the only one
• Reading is sexy...  (on a nightshirt)
• Tree Hugging Dirt Worshipper
• Touch the Earth Gently
• Oh, no-not another learning experience!
• Lord, help me to be the person my cat thinks I am
• Not all who wander are lost
• Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be
• Choose to be optimistic...it feels better!  The Dalai Lama
• Change how you see, not how you look
• We are defined not only by what we create, but by what we refuse to destroy.
• The activist is not the one who says the river is dirty, but the one who cleans it up.
• Faith is a journey--not a guilt trip
• People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
• Don't assume I share your prejudices
• To be truly radical is to make hope possible rather than despair convincing
• Everything war can do, peace can do better
• Good questions outrank easy answers
• God was my copilot but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him
• Question reality
• God Bless the Whole World -- No Exceptions
• What about a maximum wage?
• Don't believe everything you think
• It is horrifying that we have to fight our own government to save our environment
• Religion is for people afraid of going to hell.  Spirituality is for those who have been there
• Sorry I missed church.  I've been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian
• Don't get even.  Get odd.
• Remember who you wanted to be
• It's easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.  Fredrick Douglas
• Ask your doctor if medical advice from a commercial is right for you
• Bipartisanship:  I'll hug your elephant if you'll kiss my ass
• You don't have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just get people to stop reading them.  Ray Bradbury
• Zen Buddhism.  Don't even think about it

Simplified Global Warming

I agree with this guy. Does it really matter who's right and who's wrong? When we break it down to the basics of what happens with action or non-action, if we take steps to minimize our impact on the environment now, what does it truly hurt?

1,088 pages later...the KING LIVES!

Troy and I stood before the display of Stephen King's new book, Under the Dome, at Barnes & Noble.  I had a 50% off coupon in my wallet waiting to be used.  Being that he is one of my favorite authors, I picked up the book and flipped to the inside jacket at the front of the book.  Blank.  Flipped to the inside jacket at the back of the book.  Also blank.  Looked at the back of the book.  Blank.  No where inside or on the outside of the book is there any description or summary of the book.  Being the geeks we are, we pulled out our iPhones and had a competition to see who could find the book plot online.

Once I read that it was a story he originally started in the mid-70s, I was interested.  I'm a fan of his old work - not real crazy about much he has written since The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon.  His last few novels have seemed to return to his roots -- to the fiction I loved best.  When I read Misery, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt as a Constant Reader.  King always refers to his fans as Constant Reader, and like the character in Misery, I resented the exploration he wanted to do with his writing.  Exploration that went outside the box he had written in, and that I had come to love, for the past 20 or so years of his career.

So I approached his new book as I have countless others over the past few years.  An undying optimist, I keep hoping he will produce another book that will grab me "in the old way".  Sometimes he comes close to that which my soul desires, but lately hasn't pulled me all the way in like he used to.  With Under The Dome, he was quite successful.  Once again, I sat, completely transfixed, unable to stop turning the pages.

Many, many years ago, I could connect so strongly with fictional characters that to stop reading felt as if I left their lives in limbo, waiting for me to return so they could continue living.  Characters in a good book come alive for me.  I love them, fear for them, cry with them, and loathe those that are meant to be loathed.  In Under The Dome, King has written a masterpiece with one of the largest character development plots I have ever encountered.  (Hence the 1,088 pages of a story that takes place in less than a one week time frame.)

I think George Lucas and Gene Rodenberry should utter a prayer of gratitude that King's talent and ambition never turned toward the Science Fiction genre.  With Under The Dome, King more than proves that he could have given Lucas or Rodenberry a run for their money in developing worlds and plots with a multitude of characters.  Don't misunderstand, I'm not trying to compare Star Wars or Star Trek to Under The Dome.  But *I* have to give someone credit who can develop and maintain 50+ characters and provide the reader with the ability to become intimate with each character.

There are a couple of parts in the book that I felt were loose ends.  I won't go into those here because I don't want to spoil it for anyone.  No worries though.  The loose ends do not detract from the overall greatness of this book.

A real page-turner that I literally could not put down!  I started reading the book on Thursday evening.  On Friday morning, I finally had to tear myself away so we could get dressed and head to the pow wow in Ocala.  (We didn't get there until 4 o'clock as a result!)  I still read the book as we drove up to the pow wow and probably would have read it on the way home if it hadn't been dark!  Instead I slept on the way home and then stayed up as late as a I could reading once we got home again.

Sunday morning I woke up at 7 AM with a slight touch of diarrhea.  (I hate that word. It has to be one of the hardest words to spell in the entire English language!)  Since I was running to the bathroom every 30 minutes, I decided I'd just lay in bed and read for a while until I felt better.  (Convenient, huh?)  After Troy's fourth or fifth trip to the bedroom to check on me, he realized he wouldn't be seeing me until the book was finished.  I could not tear myself away.  So at 8:30 PM that evening (long after the diarrhea was gone), I finally read the last sentence.

Do I recommend it?  Most certainly!  Suggestion:  it's a $35 hardcover book.  I had a 50% off coupon for Barnes & Noble and thought I was getting a real steal of a deal.  Yesterday I logged into Amazon.com and saw they are selling it for $14.50!!!  (Although, I wonder how much shipping is with a book that heavy!)

If you do read it, let me know your thoughts.  Comments are ALWAYS encouraged!