I'm turning Japanese...

I cannot get that song out of my head right now for some reason.  All the way down to the guitars and everything.  "I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so...think so...think so..."  Now I hope it's stuck in your head too.  I'm sharing the wealth with you.  LOL

I see Dr Chacko next week, which is a good thing.  I believe the new med, Lexapro, has pushed me a little into the manic state and I may be rapid cycling a little more quickly.  I have been keeping my daily mood chart so I can bring it with me to show my doctor.  I still believe perimenopause has a lot of influence on my current mood swings.  However, the 1 AM blogging I am doing right now screams mania.  And, YES, I AM taking my medication every day. 

Week before last everything was blowing up at work all week long.  It was an extremely stressful start to the year at work.  Thankfully, this past week things were much calmer.  I was able to focus on my ticket queue and got almost all of them caught up.  On Friday, however, I did find it extremely difficult to stay focused.  Fortunately, I left early Friday to get a few things for Troy's birthday and picked Spike up from the vet.

Even though I know I should be in bed right now, I cannot seem to get my mind to slow down enough to actually be able to lie still.

I was really rude to someone (two people, actually) yesterday and I feel kinda bad about it.  It was a good learning experience.  I was annoyed because when we arrived to set up for meditation at the bookstore the floor in the meeting room was covered with leaves, trash, dirt, sand, and other debris.  As we pulled up two people were standing inside the room apparently planning to leave.  When I walked into the room I became angry and wasn't kind, gentle, or tactful in the expression of my feelings on the condition of the room.  As Troy and Daniel quickly (and wisely) began removing things from the room, I found and successfully hit the other two unmoving targets in the room.

I knew I was being rude, but was too annoyed (and a little panicky about getting the room cleaned and set up before people started arriving for meditation) to stop and apologize or admit to my rudeness.

It bugged me all night (probably why my second meditation didn't go very well) and today.  I have worried at it like a dog with a bone.  (Like my Mom said, I think too much.)  I wanted to understand my feelings and as I examined myself I came to realize a few enlightening things.

• Instead of being truly in service to those around me by cleaning the room before and after use, I resented that others were not doing the same.  LESSON:  Do things IN SERVICE to others without any expectations of same action by others.

• Due to my impressive powers of procrastination, we were a little late leaving the house.  Although we arrived on time, I was in a panic that we were running late instead of living in the moment and realizing we were on schedule and not running late, even with a messy room to clean up.  LESSON:  RELAX!  Accept that all is well and there is no benefit in rushing around.  Stop.  Breathe.  Assess.  Continue.

• I am self-righteously angered when others are not respecful of our sacred space at the bookstore.  LESSON:  Who am I to judge others and their actions?  Who am I to deem myself more respectful of a space than others just because I may be more aware of its sacredness and wish to honor it?

Still haven't written the way long-overdue email to friends of ours.  As each day goes by I feel worse and worse for not writing.  For some reason, I just cannot seem to sit down and write it.  I think it's just all the shame and fear of rejection for not writing before now.  Maybe tomorrow (today?) I'll get it written.

I am also still working on my New Year 2010 project.

Yeah, you can see I'm having trouble staying focused on any one thing.

Something odd I have also meant to mention.  During the first week of the year I had this incredibly heavy, impending feeling of doom.  I felt unsteady, uncertain.  As if something big was going to happen.  I didn't feel threatened or in danger, just "impending doom".  I cannot remember the last time I have felt something like that so strongly and lasting for over a week.

A few days ago I realized that the feeling of doom had gone away.  Thinking back, I tried to remember when I last felt it.  I honestly believe it was a few days before the earthquake hit Haiti.

Premonition?  Did I sense it coming like an animal senses it before a tornado, tsunami or earthquake strikes?  Was it just stress related to my job that week?  Just another one of those things that happens and you'll never know the answer for sure.

At meditation last night my friend, Lorena, perfectly summed up how I have been feeling.  I cannot express it as eloquently as she, but here's my spin on it.

I've been feeling disconnected from Source/Creator/God/Whatever-You-Call-It and am searching for Its manifestation in my physical reality.

What more is there to say?