Mike LaPorta

Saw a name today that I had not seen or heard spoken in a very, very long time.  Mike LaPorta.  I was surfing Facebook looking at pictures when I stumbled across his name on a page.

Mike and I worked in the Presentations department for a small defense contractor in Orlando.  Anyone who has ever worked in the Presentations department for a defense contractor knows that the hours can be long and demanding.  Mike was the supervisor of our department and an overall great guy.

As people sometimes do, Mike and I got to know each other over the many months of long nights working on proposals and technical specs.  We found we had very similar family history, except it was his mother that was paranoid schizophrenic, not his father.  What are the chances of working with someone with a similar background that understands?  Extremely rare.  We also both struggled with major depression and the desire to just end it all when you hit those deep, dark bottoms and it feels as if the sun will never shine again.  He understood me, mentally, in a way no one else had the ability to.  He is the only person I could talk to about the suicidal feelings and he could really understand and he got it.  We could talk about suicide as easily as people discuss what they had for dinner last night.

At that time, Troy and I worked for the same company as Mike, so Troy knew him as well.  Early one morning Troy called to tell me he heard that Mike had successfully committed suicide.  It was like a punch to my stomach.  I could not believe what I was hearing.  It is one memory, I have never lost.  How I felt when I heard the news.

Mike and I talked and supported one another and discussed all the reasons why we shouldn't commit suicide.  All the reasons why we should live.  I never, ever had any indication that he would eventually commit suicide.  I was completely devastated.

And yet, at the same time, I understood and envied his release.  For that is how one sees it when you live with that desire to end your life.  It is not the end, but a release from the emotional turmoil you live in.

I don't hate him for what he did.  I truly understand.  But I'm glad I've kept fighting all these years.  I'm glad that I'm still around.  But I do miss him.  I miss the potential that he could have gotten the right help and lived a life filled with possibilities.  Like I have and continue to do.

Wherever you are now, Mike, know that you have left a life-long impression on me.  I hope you found the peace you sought.  Rest easy, my friend.  I love and miss you.