why put off today what can be done tomorrow?

Why do we procrastinate?  I've read and heard various "experts" talk about why we procrastinate.  Fear.  Sloth.  (I love that word.  It just plain sounds lazy, doesn't it?)

Do you procrastinate?  Do you know why you put things off?  I'm still trying to understand why I do it.  I'm really a go-getter kind of person.  Once I've identified what needs to be done, I just get it done.  But every now and again, I hit that snag where I just can't seem to bring myself to focus on the task at hand.  Usually, that's okay and I squeak by without a problem.  But when you have a couple of them pile up on you it can get kinda dicey.  Overall though, I think I'm managing fairly well. 

Right now (as in, right now as I am typing this) I am actively procrastinating.  This one has me stumped, I must admit.  I should be cutting up yarn and collecting the things I need for tomorrow nights ceremony.  I also need to finish reviewing the information related to this ceremony.  It is tomorrow night.  I have to work tomorrow.  I already know I have a busy morning ahead of me with little time for anything extra.  Although I am leaving work early, it won't be early enough to do everything that needs to be done, as well as get to the store and get set up before start of ceremony.

So why am I procrastinating?  Why am I sitting here typing this right now instead of going out to the garage, getting the yarn and scissors and cutting? 

Maybe I'm tired.  It's been a very busy, very long month for us.  We've had multiple things going on every week this month. Do not misunderstand.  I am not complaining or looking for pity.  I am absolutely thrilled that we are given so many different opportunities to be in service to others.  It is equally amazing that they are all things that my partner shares with me, both in participation and enthusiasm.

We are approaching our "recharging" time.  Even if it just means hanging around the house, it is a nice time spent together with no one expecting us anywhere at any time.

skull with it's lyric appendage leaning on

a night table which should have exact temperature of a cardinal bird nest

That is the title of this painting by Salvador Dali.  I found the title of the painting humorous because it sounds like something my brother or I would say.  When we were younger we would speak to each other with this strange accent and made up words that, to an outsider, would appear we were conversing in some foreign language.  Neither one of us had a clue what we were saying.  We just had fun faking it.

My sister and I, on the other hand, well, we tend to find our humor in the mundane everyday.  For example, the road sign "BEAR LEFT" will never be the same for me.  We even came up with this really wacky road song.  Something like "Stop! Bear left! Caution! Yield!  Slippery When Wet!"

But what this blog is really about is the Salvador Dali museum in St Petersburg, FL.  We finally made it there and I got to see some of his paintings.  WOW!  I always enjoyed all the optical illusion paintings he is so well known for.  But I remain stunned by the depth and breadth of his artistic talent.  I still cannot wrap my mind around how someone can get a vision in their mind, transfer that to canvas that is 14 feet high and still maintain the desired dimensions!

Another thing I admired about his art are the many hidden images within the painting.  You can view the same painting from three different positions and see images in each position that cannot be seen in the others.  In one painting there is what appears to be three stone archways.  However, when you step back a few feet and look at the picture, you can see that the archways actually form three different faces.

Dali was also known for the "perverse" in his art.  He had a strong attraction to the psychology of Freud and his fascination with sexuality is clearly reflected in his paintings.  One of my personal favorites is Profanation of the Host.   It is the first painting that completely blew my mind and began my true appreciation for his talent.  I stood a few feet back from the painting trying to identify some of the many different images within it.  Some are obvious, while others are not quite so obvious.  The bottom left corner of the painting is dark and difficult to see the detail unless you get very close to the painting.  Standing back from the painting it just appears to be a sexually explicit orgy scene.  As I was standing there taking in the painting, a couple came up next to me and began talking to one another about how sick he was and the sexual imagery.  While secretly wishing they would be quiet so I could continue to savor the painting, I realized that something just wasn't connecting right in my mind. 

Have you ever seen that email going around in which there is a sentence and the letters in each word are all jumbled up or letters are missing, but you can usually still read the sentence?  It's called "matrixing" in which our minds fill-in-the-blanks for us.  (Thanks to Ghost Hunters for that little 411.  LOL)  Our brain will scan for similiar images until it finds an appropriate fit, producing you with the "correct" image.  (Amazing, actually, if you think about it.  Your brain can process that quickly when you glance at a word and within seconds it has scanned every word you've ever seen and returns the word in a way you can comprehend.)

Anyway, this is what I was feeling with this painting.  I could make out the image but something ... just ...wasn't ... right.  So I got closer.  That's when I realized all the women in the painting had a penis!  Even the hairy man/woman-beast-thing had a human penis!  I almost shouted "EUREEKA!!" right there in the museum.  What so impressed me was his ability to take color, shading, light and form to provide an illusion that appears to be one thing, but upon close inspection is revealed as something else.  It's akin to hiding something in plain sight.

There were other paintings that were equally as compelling.  Here is one of Troy's favorites and probably my second most favorite painting.  This painting is called The Font.  It's another painting with so much meaning and detail that even after staring at it for 15 minutes, I felt I had only just barely begun to see all that it contained.

If you ever have the opportunity, vist the Dali museum.  It's $17 for adults; however, you can go to their web site and print out a coupon for $2 off.  A little pricey, IMHO, but still worth it.  We intend to go back again.  There is so much in there to contemplate that I believe your brain just goes into overload and shuts down.  You can no longer appreciate everything you are seeing with the same attention to detail as you could when you first started with fresh eyes and fresh mind.

another peaceful start to my day!

I guess I'm more of a morning meditator.  I seem to find that in the evening, especially the later it gets into the evening, the harder it is for me to sit still and stay focused.  In the morning I find that I can usually go deeper than in the evening.  This morning I did a 45-minute silent meditation which is a switch for me.  Usually I have some sort of soft, meditative music playing the background.  However, I need to start developing more discipline now for the meditation retreat we are attending in February. 

It was interesting to note that the 45 minutes went a lot faster than I realized.  I saw some great videos on YouTube yesterday, each with different tips on how to meditate.  One explained another version of counting the breath.  This morning I practiced using that form of counting my breath as I meditated.  (Usually I count to four on the inbreath, hold for a count of four, exhale to a count of six, then hold for a count of four and repeat.)

Good 'ole monkey mind was in full form; however, I found that if I could allow the distractions, without judgement, and just return to counting my breath (1 on inhale, 2 on exhale, 3 on inhale, 4 on exhale, repeat) it was much more peaceful without the personal condemnation (darn you!  you are thinking again!).

Starting my morning with a good meditation, some singing and chanting, really seems to start the day off peacefully and I feel more balanced and centered.  Why not give yourself permission to enjoy 15 minutes of silence in the morning.  That means silence in movement as well as speech.  Remain quiet and still for 15 minutes and see what happens.  When monkey mind shows up, just start focusing on your breath and releasing the thoughts by disengaging and not carrying them any further.

it's my kind of breakfast

Started the morning with some chanting and meditation.  It's always the best way to start the day.  Starts it out centered.  The biggest challenge is not allowing your mind to get carried away with what you need to be doing next or should be doing or need to remember before you leave for work that morning.

Procrastination is my friend and I am really challenged with that particular trait.  Like right now.  I've got things I need to do but keep putting them off.  If I'd just do them and get it over with, it would be a lot less painful and a lot less hanging over my head.

See?  We create our own suffering.  Guaranteed!

Forgot to blog about our visit to the Salvador Dali museum.  I finally made it.  Will have to do that later though.  I really do need to get busy!!

the week end in summary

It was a truly magnificent time spent with Troy this week end.  We laughed.  We laughed some more.  I love him so very much.  He is my twin flame.  We are so blessed to have found each other in this life time.  But then, didn't we make it happen even though we both had no real reason to ever have our paths cross?  A completely random, chance meeting.

Or was it?

saturday...the concert. it's more than music

We arrived at the hotel in St Petersburg around 5 PM on Saturday.  We checked in and took our things up to the room.  I'm one of those people that has to unpack everything before we do anything else.  We also needed to freshen up and change clothes.

Doors to the concert were supposed to open at 6:30 PM and Troy was worried about us not getting there in time.  (Even though the concert didn't start until 7:30.)  Once we were unpacked and changed, we headed over to the Mahaffey Theater about 10 minutes away.  As we saw people walking toward the theater, we noticed the men were in suits with ties and the women were wearing fancy dresses with spiked heels.  Not quite the crowd we were expecting.  I tried to reassure Troy (and secretly, myself) as we walked toward the theater that we were not underdressed for the concert.

Troy was wearing a pair of jean shorts with his Om t-shirt.  I had on a blue and white Indian-style elephant print wrap-around skirt and a white shirt.  I was wearing my  favorite "Jesus" sandals.  As we saw more and more well-dressed individuals, I began to scan the crowd for people dressed like us. As we got closer to the theater I saw a couple standing off to the side who looked to be quietly engaged in intimate conversation.  He was wearing slacks and a vest with a pony tail. She had long hair, long skirt and casual top.  I pointed them out and told Troy, "See, there are some people dressed like us."  A few steps further and we see Manose walking toward us heading in the opposite direction.  I nudged Troy and whispered, "Do you know who that was!?!?"

Troy said, "yes, and do you realize who that couple was back there?" 

And then it clicked.  Oh.  My.  God.  That.  Was.  Deva.  Premal. and.  Miten.  Back.  There. 

My first thought was, "I should go back and speak with them!"  Then all of the blood raced out of my heart to my extremities and came rushing back again almost causing me to faint.  It wasn't the whole fan-crazy-crush kind of woozy stuff that made me feel that way.  It was the absolute fear...the terror...of actually speaking to them.  I couldn't bear it!

So, I passed up, probably my once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to speak to them and continued walking toward the theater.  The disappointment in myself only begins there.

As we get to the doors there are ushers directing people to different doorways based on the event they are attending.  Apparently all the well-dressed people were there for a wedding.  (Whew!)  We get inside and the theater is a fairly good size, probably about the size of Bob Carr but with real theater acoustics, box offices hanging on the side three levels high.  That kind of thing.  Adjustable stage that accomodates an orchestra.  Our seats were closer to the stage for this concert than they were for the first concert we attended.  We took our seats and I alternated between talking to Troy, closing my eyes and listening to the sounds and people around me, or just trying to listen to my own breath or thoughts.

As it came time for start of the concert, we noticed that the theater probably wasn't even halfway filled.  It was very disappointing to see such a poor turnout for their concert.  The total attendance probably did not exceed 400-500 people, max.  Certainly not enough to fill that size theater.  Unfortunately, this had a terrible effect on the overall environment of the concert.  Instead of being able to hear voices joined together in song, we were too far spread out to hear each other as one.

This, however, also had an extremely positive effect.  After the intermission, Miten invited those of us that wished to song along to come join them on stage and surround them in  semi-circle.  At first a few laughed and no one moved.  Miten laughed and assured us he was serious, to come on up.  I saw a guy in front of me jump up.  I looked at Troy and said, "Let's go!".  Troy looked at me with wide eyes and shook his head.  No way.  As I saw more people heading for the stairs, I told him I was going and headed for the stairs.

I got there early and was able to sit down to the left of Miten, not two feet away from him.  (No, I did not run and push others out of the way.  I walked slowly and peacefully like a reasonable human being to my spot on the floor next to two others.)  Deva is even more beautiful up close than you imagine.  Manose is even more handsome.  I was so excited and proud to impress them with my knowledge of their words to their songs.  So wouldn't you know, the first song we sing I not only don't know the words, I don't even know the melody!!  Aaaahhhhh!!!!

Fortunately, the next two songs I knew the words to and was able to sing along at the top of my little lungs.  I will have to look up the meaning to one of the songs we sang.  I was able to visualize the words in my mind as I sang them, but they were strange.  They almost seemed to glow as each word appeared as I sang it.  Have never really had that happen before.

There were probably 50-60 of us up on that stage surrounding them on three sides.  It was such an amazingly diverse collection of ages and people joined together in song and praise.  When we chanted Om together, I had to seriously ground myself at the very beginning because I felt like I was being stretched out of my body with my head reaching toward All That Is.

I was so certain they would sing So Much Magnificence that I didn't even bat an eye when Deva announced the last song and requested we remain silent at the end without clapping.  I sat smugly anticipating the opening sounds of the guitar or the waves.  Imagine my surprise when she began singing a song I didn't know many words to.  *sigh*

I was absolutely heartbroken.  As enthusiastically as the group around me sang all the previous songs, I knew that singing "Hallelujuah" with them would be bliss.  We finished the song and I sat impatiently waiting for the end of the silence.  As soon as I had the opportunity to capture Miten's attention I begged him to do just one more song.  However, it was too late.  Although he looked around and was more than willing, the spell was already broken.  Everyone had already left that space and begun the journey to their homes.  It was so disheartening and I was ashamed for even asking it of him.

I thanked him and, as soon as the feeling returned to my ankles and feet, I made my way off stage and joined Troy once again.  (The stage was hardwood floor and dug into my bony little ankles until all circulation had been eliminated.)

I have pondered this experience all week end and have come to some conclusions.  Some of which are:

1. Why was I so terrified to speak to them?  Fear.  Fear of what?  Rejection.  Social awkwardness.  (I'm not the best conversationalist.  Just ask anyone who knows me.)  Fear of them seeing something ugly hidden deep down inside of me.  Hero worship?  Maybe just a touch.  I am not worthy kind of feelings.
2. Opportunities lost.  Some things come our way only once.  Sometimes we step up and make the scary choice.  Either way, it's the right choice because something can be gained from either one.  I know that when we passed Deva and Miten, it was my one opportunity to tell them about our meditation group singing their song and the joy and gratitude it had brought so many of us.  It was my opportunity to thank them in person for our group.  I let our group down. It was also my chance to request we sing the song at the end of the concert, which, we ended up not singing.  All because of FEAR.
3. Waiting on others to create my reality for me.  This, I think, was a huge one.  When Susie shared with me that she also enjoys singing the songs like I do and the connection she feels when she does; I realized I was not alone.  She was equally suprised to learn that I feel the same way she does about the songs and chants.  I realized that instead of waiting for a concert in another year for the opportunity that we might be in the right environment and we might sing that magical song, I can create that reality now.  As Troy says.  I'm fairly strong-willed and when I decide I want something, I usually don't let anything stand in my way.  Why should this be any different? 

I share the above experiences and feelings as a way of expressing the many things I learned in attending a two hour concert.  It does not, in any way diminsh the quality of the concert or the music.  It was magical, beautiful, and enlightening.  In a way, I was like the seed in Jack and the Beanstalk.  I grew really big, really fast and reached new levels of understanding.

Life is good and I am grateful to live it.

friday night: dvd meditation psuedo satsang

Friday night we had our DVD meditation.  Although there were not many in attendance, it was nice that those that were there were all completely into it and enjoyed it.  It was also nice to find out that Susie (a fellow concert-goer) is also like me in that she connects with the singing and the music.  I have always loved singing songs in church, but disliked the rhetoric and do not agree with their vision of God, the Divine.  There's just something magical about lifting your voice in praise and adoration for something beautiful and wonderful.  Especially when your voice is joined by many others around you who are singing for the same reason. 

So I'm tossing around the idea of a satsang every now and then on a Friday night after we close the store.  Something completely informal where people come and we figure out what we are doing when we get there.  Maybe develop some kind of format with a period for mantra chanting, singing, and meditation.  Maybe light music like soft drumming, flutes, bells, bowls, whatever; quiet, mellow kind of stuff.  Maybe I can suggest it to the groups and see how many people would be interested in creating it.  I've not attended any true satsangs (unless the Deva Premal/Miten concerts count) and am not sure how to lead one.  Would need some guidance there.  Maybe I can talk to Amber about it and get some suggestions from her.

Speaking of Deva Premal and Miten...I got a CD at the concert that they only sell at the concert.  It's a collection of mantras chanted 108 times; meant for "perilous times".  I think it's something we could use with the group.  Would love to do a different chant each night instead of the 12 oms.  Maybe open the group with 3 oms, then have group, then instead of 12 oms, do the 108 chant CD.  The group could decide on which mantra they wish to do.  Hmm...interesting idea...

While you wait.... a little Deva Premal & Miten

Gayatri Mantra

Words:
om bhur bhuvaha svaha
tat savitur varenyam
bhargo devasya dhimahi
dhiyo yonah prachodayat

Translation:
praise to the source of all things
it is due to you that we attain true happiness on all planes.
it is due to your transcendent nature that you are being worshipped and adored.
ignite us with your all pervading light.

Busy week end ahead!

We have a unique meditation tonight.  We will be projecting the DVD of Deva Premal & Miten's concert in Austrailia onto a wall in our meeting room for everyone to watch.  We'll have surround sound and the lights dim, so it will be so close to being there.  With members of the group singing along, the energy will be so beautiful.  I'm truly looking forward to it!  I hope the group enjoys it as much as I do.  Sometimes my enthusiasm can overshadow reality. 

Tomorrow we drive over to St Petersburg to attend Deva Premal & Miten's concert.  One of our meditation group members is also going, but driving separately.  Troy and I value what little time we have together, so we decided to make it a solitary trip with just ourselves.  We got a decent hotel room and will spend the night.  Maybe I can FINALLY make it to the Salvadore Dali museum now!!

It's 4:59!  Time to go to meditation!!  Have a great week end everyone!!!

it's a sad day today....

....had to have Shadow, my faithful panther-like cat-panion of 18 years euthanized today.  he passed of chronic old age.  it was expected, but still incredibly sad.  i held him and whispered, "i love you, shad-man" as he quietly went to sleep.  rest in peace, my beloved friend.  i will miss you.

update on new drug

Totally freaky, but since I published my previous post on the new miracle quit smoking drug, I have seen TWO commercials for it! Maybe it's just because I don't watch TV anymore and when I do it's always recorded and I fastforward through the commercials???

how many of you have heard of this new drug?

I found out on Friday that there is apparently this new medication that can effectively, and painlessly, help patients quit nicotine. In one week. Yes, you heard me correctly. In one week almost anyone will stop smoking or dipping tobacco/snuff.

"WHAT?!" you say? "YES!" I say, or at least, that's what my doctor said. I'm not a doctor and sometimes have a faulty memory, but I'll do the best I can to explain.

Our family doctor said there is a new drug that binds to the nerve receptors that receive the nicotine. The nicotine releases high levels of dopamine, which is that good 'ole natural pleasure drug our brains are programmed with. That is the physical addiction to nicotine. The only way you can maintain high levels of dopamine is to continuously take in nictone.

In addition to binding to the nerve receptors to prevent absorption of the nicotine, the drug also releases low levels of dopamine to simulate the release of dopamine taken in by the nicotine.

Since the nicotine is no longer being received by the nerve receptors, you actually become sickened by the intake of the nicotine because you are no longer receiving the dopamine "high" that way.

You are supposed to keep smoking or dipping and you will quit on your own within a week. A woman I work with tried this pill. She is my age and has been a heavy smoker most of her life. She had tried everything: hypnosis, acupuncture, other meds...and nothing worked. She got this and quit in one week. When she first told me about it, I kind of blew it off because I didn't realize something out there like that actually existed. I just thought they gave her a pill to help, but that it was her will power that truly allowed her to quit. She's a very strong woman so I gave it more to her will power than a magical pill. Guess I was wrong and she was right. Sorry!!

Do you understand what I am talking about here????

A DRUG THAT WILL ENABLE YOU TO QUIT ANY NICOTINE HABIT IN ONE WEEK!!

We all realize a great burden is placed on the medical community, society, families and the addicted individual when they develop cancer or some other nicotine-related disease. There is a high financial and emotional cost. Most people do not have insurance that will cover all the expenses. People suffer more because of inadequate health care and/or financial means to obtain such care.  Financially, we are all impacted in one way or another by this problem.  (Proving once again that we are all connected.)

Now I ask you the really important question.

Have you heard of this magical pill?  Am I the only one that was in the dark about it?  What surprises me, I guess, is that of all the drug commercials we see on TV (restless legs syndrome, depression, bipolar, heart disease, sexual dysfunction, diabetes...) why is not a single one of them for this pill?  How about all the coverage the media gave to the increase in nicotine tax and the government making such a big deal out of it?  Why didn't anyone, during that time, make the public aware of this drug?  It's not a new drug.  It has apparently been on the market now for at least a year or more.

Personally, I believe this pill, if it truly works the way they say it does, should be made available, free of charge, to anyone who wishes to kick the nicotine habit. 

My other important question.

Since the government sued tobacco companies, why aren't they as interested in making us aware of this miracle drug?

Conspiracy?  Drug companies, tobacco industry, lobbyist, our government....why?  What do you think?  Blog comments are now open and available to post your thoughts.  Have you heard of this drug?  If so, have you heard anyone personally speak of it and success rate?  Let me know if you haven't heard of it and what you think could be the reasons we haven't heard of it before now. 

Sources:
Dr. Bickerton, Orlando, FL
Chantix Information page from Drugs.com
Chantix Fact Sheet from Mayo Clinic

it feels so good...

...when someone tells you something that affirms you are living right in at least one area of your life.

I have been to lunch with co-workers when we have had beggars or homeless people come up and ask for money.  Many of them are quick to look the other way -- or refuse to help because they've been burned before where they offered to help someone, then found out it was a scam.  My response has always been, "I'd rather get scammed by one and help nine others, than to be scammed by one and never help another again."

Imagine my surprise when many, many months later, one of those co-workers came up to me to share a little story.

He said he arrived home from work and was walking to his front door when he walked past a woman trying to change the tire of her car.  She also had a child with her while she's trying to do this by herself.  He said at first, he just kept on walking.  Then he said my face appeared before him and he knew, he had to go help her.  He walked in the front door and his wife also mentioned this woman needing help.  So he went and helped her.  In helping her, he found out she was really having a rough time of it.  She told him many people had passed her and hadn't even offered to help.  She was very grateful for his help.

When he told me this story the next day I was so happy!!  I was happy because he had reached out in compassion to help another!  It's always nice to learn that something you do as a matter of principle can affect someone in a way that results in them being a happier, healther, more loving, or more compassionate individual. 

I would like to think, that he was the 1 in 10 that restored her faith in humanity and that there are good people left in this world.  I also hope she restored his faith in that some people truly do need our help.

I already know that for a fact.  We just have to reverse everyone's thinking that everyone is out to get you, that everything is a scam, and no one can be trusted.  We have to see the paranoia state we have created.

We must stop being afraid to help others.  Release the fear!!! We must start reaching out...ESPECIALLY when we get burned!  It is up to us to restore faith in humanity.  No one else can do it.  Only YOU.

If someone has inspired you to commit an act of love, compassion, or healing..be sure to let them know.  It's always nice to hear that you have influenced someone in a good way.  After all, we are quick to point out when someone "makes us feel bad" or affects us in a negative way.

Don't forget to tell them today that they affected you in a good way too!  We all need a little more love and encouragement in our lives.

Let that change begin with me!

respect my a-thor-eh-tie (that's "authority" for you non-South Parkers...)

I have had lots to say (as usual) but just haven't seemed to find the time, or be able to stay focused enough, to post a new blog. I'm doing well, feeling a little more balanced, little less hypomanic.

I have recently gotten into this pattern where, no matter what time I go to bed, I wake up at 4 AM every morning. I'm talking about wide-awake for no good reason. Not sure why. Okay, I take that back. Maybe *someone* is trying to get me up at 4 AM to prepare for the meditation course in February/March next year...??  (If you haven't already checked it out yet, here's my blog for the meditation course next year:  http://insightfoundinside.blogspot.com/.)

The other day I was reading an article about how to choose a teacher for Buddhist studies. The article spoke, not only of what to look for in your teacher, but also what is expected of the student. One of the things I noted as interesting is that the student, as a show of respect for the teacher, should check in with their teacher every now and again to see if they need anything.  I pondered where this would come from.  After all, don't we all think that the teacher is there to help us??

In some Eastern spiritual studies (Vipassana practitioners is an example), they do not charge for knowledge and education.  When I saw Paramahamsa Nithyananda at the Hindu temple a year or so ago, he made a similar observation.  He said in India, this knowledge is free, but in America we charge for it.  (Christian faiths and even metaphysical/spiritual faiths require some form of monetary payment for the education they will provide to you.)

In my studies I have learned that certain spiritual practices forbid monks or other "holy" people from receiving payment for anything they do.  They are dependent upon the generosity of the public to feed and clothe them.  If they aren't given food and cannot find any for themselves, they will starve to death.  They will walk around in rags during the winter, if clothing is not provided to them.  Their first and foremost commitment is to be in service to you, completely selfless of their own needs.

We all have teachers, regardless of if we are aware of it or not.  When I would hear that statement, "When the student is ready, the teacher will come", I always kept looking for that magical teacher that would one day appear to teach me everything I need to know.  I had forgotten the basic rule that we are ALL teachers and we are ALL students.

On the day I read the article about checking in with your teachers, I received a phone call from a friend of mine.  He's been involved in the spiritual community, well, heck, almost as long as I've been alive.  He just called to say hello and to check in with me because he hadn't heard from me in a while.  He just wanted to make sure I was okay.  While we are friends, it's not like we meet for dinner every week or have a regular schedule of contact like with close friends or family.  This was the first "checking in to see how you are doing" phone call I've ever received from him.  Coincidence??

As I was recounting this to my husband later that evening, he made an observation that completely blew by me.  (Thank goodness I have him to point out the obvious...and not-so-obvious!)   I mentioned that it was freaky to have read that and then get a phone call out of the blue with the same intentions as what I had read.  I guess it's just confirmation that I need to check in with my teachers.

Then my husband said...

                    "But who's the teacher and who's the student?"

Wow, that blew my socks off.  After all this guy has been doing this a heck of a lot longer than I have.  I had just automatically assigned him to the Teacher role and myself to the Student role.  But what if the real message was that I'm a teacher to more people than I realize?  If someone checks in with you, "just to see how you're doing", then maybe you need to examine if you are the teacher...and if so...how good a job are you doing teaching?  Sometimes people learn from us just by observing our actions.  What we do is so much more powerful than what we say.  Many times, we aren't even aware that we are teaching.

Live the example today so when you get that phone call out of the blue, you can feel confident that all you are teaching is healthy, loving, and good.

who am I? why am i here?

Back in May we visited my brother and his wife who were graduating from college.  During our visit my brother was telling me about some kind of computer program he was using for character mapping or personality mapping or family mapping or something like that.  It's a geeky way of introspection.  I got a glimpse of one of the items he had tagged me with.  It was the word "peace".  He explained something about my life has been searching for peace. 

It's interesting to reflect back upon the stones in the pathway behind you that have supported you along your journey to this point.  There are many different sizes and shapes.  When you glance back, it may appear that some are missing, but it is only because they reappear in the pathway before you.

There have been many pieces along my pathway.  Some I am conscious of; such as our son starting college and obtaining a level of independence.  It was a point when his safety and well-being and activities and homework were no longer my number one priority in life.  It was when I began to realize how unbalanced I was as a person.

Reading the book, "The Why Are You Here Cafe" by John Strelecky.  His book made me start asking the question, "Why am I here?  What am I here to do?  Am I here to do anything?"  Shortly after finishing his book, I found myself standing in the shower; my tears mingling with the water as it streamed down my face and I realized one of the reasons why I am here.  Today I know there are many, many more than one.

Ricardo is another stone that is absent behind me but always in front of me, returning.  He introduced me to Buddhism and Spiral Circle.  His referral to Spiral Circle was the wind of change that carried the seeds of possibility before me and lay before me upon my path. 

Beverly at Spiral Circle is the stone who provides me with guidance and encouragement to help me decide which of the seeds I had gathered from my path that I wish to plant along the way and how to care for them.  She suggested how to gently remove the plants that are no longer needed.

Then, one day, I asked the question, "Who am I?"

Troy was shocked when I shared with him that I had never asked myself that question before.  He could not believe someone my age had never pondered that question before now.  Perhaps you are equally as shocked too.  Perhaps not.  Irregardless, I finally asked myself the question.

That does not mean I didn't have an identity.  I did.  I was:  Troy's wife.  Steven's Mom.  A Sister.  A Daughter.  A Granddaughter.  An HRMS Analyst.   A flakey friend.  A blonde.  A geek. A weirdo.  An oddball.  Too fat.  Too lazy....and it continues on from there with other not-so-nice words that follow "I am" quite well when you don't like yourself.

But who.....am.....I?  Those are all descriptions, functions that I fulfill.  Perhaps one of the reasons I was so unhappy for so long was because I felt I was a failure at most of the things I identified as me.  A wife. A mom. A sister. A daughter. A granddaughter.  A worker.  A female.  A friend.

Now I am examining the question, "Who am I" in depth.  Perhaps that is why this meditation course has come to me.  Maybe I am ready to ask that question in depth, without distraction.  I may or may not discover the answer and I may or may not like it.  I may come away with even more questions. Regardless, I now know that I am a seeker.  I seek truth.  I seek love.  I seek peace.  It does not mean wisdom or understanding or discernment. It does not mean enlightenment.  It just means that I am forever flowing, forever changing.  Always seeking.

Which brings me back to my brother and the word "peace" staring up at me from his computer screen.  Perhaps he knows me a little better than I realized.

why we are all so sad....

I think I may now know why we are all so sad so much of the time. I may understand now why we all suffer so much. It is not because there is so much evil in the world. It is not because of the economy. It is not because of death or pain.

It is because we have known perfect love and bliss before, yet we have forgotten how to get back to it. Why have we forgotten? I do not know; although theories do, of course, abound. But is why we have forgotten as important as remembering?

I keep stumbling across moments of absolute love with pinches of bliss scattered throughout. They are unexpected moments of radiant love showering around me, bubbling up from deep within my soul, and flowing out of me easily to connect with the silent ocean that surrounds me. Perfect peace. Perfect love. Absolute bliss.

Having connected with this, I now understand why we suffer. It is not because we wish to remain in a state of bliss always. It is because we know what those moments feel like. When everything is absolutely perfect and you are in living in that moment. Not living with the intention to live in the moment, but actually existing there.

We suffer because we do not remember how to return there when we need to re-energize; when we need to remember how perfect love feels so we can bring it back into this realm with us. When we become so bogged down by the weight of the world and we cannot reconnect with that perfectness; we do not remember how perfect all is, then we are sad.

I remember as a child sitting in Assembly of God churches and members of the congregation would suddenly begin speaking aloud in tongues. This strange, beautiful language, this twisting of the tongue that my ears and mind did not understand, but my heart and soul would. The preacher would pause in his sermon and there would be this hush, this feeling of expectancy, as the person spoke this strange language. When they stopped speaking there would be another expectant pause before someone would speak aloud in English, translating what was previously said.

Until now, I never really understood why it would move me like that when people spoke in pure tongues. An experience I had yesterday helps me understand. It is because they have surrendered all ego and have connected to that which is greater than them and outside of themselves. It is pure. It is love and adoration and peace. That moment of absolute surrender and allowing whatever rises within you to be expressed verbally through sound not requiring logical comprehension.

It is not worship expected of you because you are a fear-filled and dutiful servant of God. It is a gratitude for that moment of existence that feels so strong you cannot contain it. Gratitude without direction or intention. An outpouring of the heart and soul that is completely spontaneous.

It is surrendering all the who's and why's and how's and when's and where's. It is surrendering who is right and who is wrong. Surrendering what is truth and what is false. It is the embrace of that moment without understanding or comprehending why or how or what it means.

At that moment, it does not matter if God exists because you already know.

a beautiful flower for the beautiful women in my life

got the thumbs up for the meditation course

Saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he gave me the thumbs up for the meditation retreat.  He surprised me when he wrote the authorization right in front of me so I could take it with me.  He also told me that another bipolar patient of his took a similar course in Georgia.  He wasn't sure if it were the same place I'm going to.  He just remembered it was in Georgia.  He said that his patient did just fine and seemed to truly enjoy the course.

We discussed my symptoms of the past month and he determined that I was hypomanic, not manic.  I'm not so sure.  I know I was really buzzing out there a few times.

He also said body weight does not affect the dosage of the medication.  His comment, "when you lose weight, the size of your brain doesn't shrink."  I thought that was kinda funny coming from a shrink.  LOL

It was a little disappointing to hear, but not unexpected.  I have been stable for over five years now and it's been awesome.  A little adjustment here and there is to be expected throughout life.  Just accept it and move on.

Troy has finally given me the go-ahead and now I can schedule my meditation course for February 24th through March 7th.  He's going with me also!! Hooray!  Going to work on the application now! 

If you want to read about the 10-day meditation course I'm taking and my journey as I prepare for it, just click here: insightfoundinside.blogspot.com.