It's late and I really need to be in bed, so a quick update.
Still hypomanic. Hoping it's just that the meds will take time to work. See doctor next Thursday before we drive out of town for the weekend to have fun with family.
Putting everyone on notice: My BFF (he'll love seeing that LOL) asked me tonight if I would mind talking to someone else who is bipolar. Just so everyone knows, if anyone ever wants to talk to me or ask questions about bipolar, please, send 'em my way. It's the only way we can help each other is if we share about how it impacts our lives and how we cope. That can't be read in a book or taught in a class. It is only something those of us who walk this path, know and fully understand. I have learned a lot about myself and how I manage my illness. If I can possibly share one thing that will help another, then I am more than willing to do it. After all, who else do you know that has a flyer that states, "Ending Stigmatism. Putting a face on mental illness" with my great big grinning face above the text. As my BFF says, I am way out of the closet on this one! LOL
Have an appointment with pulmonologist tomorrow. I sound so pathetic sometimes with all the health stuff, but such is life. Hopefully we can do something to help with my breathing. I had a nightmare the other night when I was wheezing really bad as I fell asleep. In my nightmare my lungs closed up completely and I couldn't draw a breath. I mean it when I say, it was a nightmare. It frightened me so much I called the doctor the next morning. Sometimes, I just need a little motivation reminder...
G'night all. Omitofo
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
saw this on Facebook
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Doctor follow-up - more drugs
I saw my favorite doctor yesterday. I'm still having hypomanic symptoms so we increased the Geodon another 80 to 160 mg daily and the Lamictal was increased from 200 to 300 mg daily. At the end of my visit I looked at Dr Chacko and asked him, "What do I have?" The look on his face was priceless. I couldn't decide if it was dumbfounded or thinking he may not have heard me correctly.
I know I have bipolar disorder and was fairly certain it was Bipolar I; however, I've been reading material about rapid cycling and mixed episode. It seemed like I have symptoms of both when I read the descriptions and couldn't decide which one, if any, applied. The thought I could have both never entered my mind.
He told me I have classic Bipolar I with rapid cycling and mixed episodes over the past year. I asked him if it's possible the symptoms have always been there but I wasn't aware of them. My meditation practice over the past three years, and especially the Vipassana course, have brought me into more awareness of myself and my mood changes. He said that was possible.
On the drive home from the doctor office I called my Mom and told her what the doctor had said. I asked her about my childhood and if I displayed symptoms then. Way back then, absolutely nothing was none about bipolar disorder, especially in children. I remember very little of my childhood but have more like "glimpses" into the past. I remember frequently getting into trouble for being too "hyper" and I can remember times of absolute depression and wishing I were dead. As a child I didn't realize this were suicidal thoughts. I just thought I was such a bad person that I wished I could just die. Fortunately, as a child, the thought of killing myself never occured to me. I just prayed for death.
Some may think I am obsessing about my illness, but it's really not that. It's like I'm suddenly learning about myself instead of just surviving. My illness is another thing I've never really researched or fully understood. Sure, I've read pamphlets and a book shortly after I was diagnosed but it still wasn't enough to help me understand completely what I was experiencing were symptoms of the disorder. Even as an adult, I have believed it's because I "just wasn't good enough". Something my doctor told me during my previous session when I told him I felt horrible about the thoughts I have sometimes because they truly aren't who I am and he said, "You can't help it, it's the illness that causes you to act this way. It is not a reflection of who the real person is inside."
Those simple words were like someone had thrown a life jacket to me in the huge ocean of self-hate. I have always regreted my behavior, my harsh words, my selfishness, being self-absorbed and seeing the world only through my eyes and how it directly affects me. So much I regret doing when I know, deep down, it's not the person I strive to be, I want to be, I am. Because sometimes, when I feel more "normal", the characteristics I embrace do come out.
So, understanding is the first step. Awarness is the second. What's the third?
Oh and a quick mention of the two women who work in Dr Chacko's office. I love them. They are so kind and caring. They laugh so freely when I make jokes and their laughter warms my heart. I am so blessed and so grateful to have the doctor I have. He literally saves my life every day.
I know I have bipolar disorder and was fairly certain it was Bipolar I; however, I've been reading material about rapid cycling and mixed episode. It seemed like I have symptoms of both when I read the descriptions and couldn't decide which one, if any, applied. The thought I could have both never entered my mind.
He told me I have classic Bipolar I with rapid cycling and mixed episodes over the past year. I asked him if it's possible the symptoms have always been there but I wasn't aware of them. My meditation practice over the past three years, and especially the Vipassana course, have brought me into more awareness of myself and my mood changes. He said that was possible.
On the drive home from the doctor office I called my Mom and told her what the doctor had said. I asked her about my childhood and if I displayed symptoms then. Way back then, absolutely nothing was none about bipolar disorder, especially in children. I remember very little of my childhood but have more like "glimpses" into the past. I remember frequently getting into trouble for being too "hyper" and I can remember times of absolute depression and wishing I were dead. As a child I didn't realize this were suicidal thoughts. I just thought I was such a bad person that I wished I could just die. Fortunately, as a child, the thought of killing myself never occured to me. I just prayed for death.
Some may think I am obsessing about my illness, but it's really not that. It's like I'm suddenly learning about myself instead of just surviving. My illness is another thing I've never really researched or fully understood. Sure, I've read pamphlets and a book shortly after I was diagnosed but it still wasn't enough to help me understand completely what I was experiencing were symptoms of the disorder. Even as an adult, I have believed it's because I "just wasn't good enough". Something my doctor told me during my previous session when I told him I felt horrible about the thoughts I have sometimes because they truly aren't who I am and he said, "You can't help it, it's the illness that causes you to act this way. It is not a reflection of who the real person is inside."
Those simple words were like someone had thrown a life jacket to me in the huge ocean of self-hate. I have always regreted my behavior, my harsh words, my selfishness, being self-absorbed and seeing the world only through my eyes and how it directly affects me. So much I regret doing when I know, deep down, it's not the person I strive to be, I want to be, I am. Because sometimes, when I feel more "normal", the characteristics I embrace do come out.
So, understanding is the first step. Awarness is the second. What's the third?
Oh and a quick mention of the two women who work in Dr Chacko's office. I love them. They are so kind and caring. They laugh so freely when I make jokes and their laughter warms my heart. I am so blessed and so grateful to have the doctor I have. He literally saves my life every day.
Monday, April 19, 2010
my life is a song
Something I will forever be grateful for is the love and appreciation for music my father taught me. Not a perfect or refined knowledge of musical notes; but a passion, almost an addiction, to the way it makes you feel. Those songs that touch you deep down inside; that make you cry, smile, scream or long for something more. That song you hear for the first time that says everything, in that moment, perfectly. This, is one of those songs...
I'll try to make the sunshine brighter for you
I will even play the fool if it makes you smile
I'll try to make you laugh if there's a tear in your eye
After all is said
After all is done
I'll do anything for you.
Come with me, close your eyes
Hold my hands, it'll be alright
Don't be scared, don't be shy
Lift your head it's gonna be alright.
I'll try to make the star shine brighter for you
And I'll take you on my shoulders, hold you way up high
I'll even chase the rainbow hanging in the sky
Cos after all is said
After all is done
I'll do anything for you
Come with me, close your eyes
Hold my hand, it'll be alright
Don't be scared, don't be shy
Lift your head it's gonna be alright
Through the eyes of innocence
You will find, you will see
There'll come a time it all makes sense
And you won't know, but it will show inside, deep inside
Come with me, close your eyes
Hold my hand, it'll be alright
Don't be scared, don't be shy
Lift your head it's gonna be alright
I'll try to make the days last longer for you
From the daybreak, 'til the sunset, 'til the end of time
I'll keep you safe, away from the heartache
Cos when all is said
And when all is done
I'd do anything for you
Come with me, close your eyes
Hold my hand, it'll be alright
Don't be scared, don't be shy
Lift your head it's gonna be alright.
-- Come With Me by Phil Collins
Sunday, April 18, 2010
alive and kicking
Now that song is running through my mind. So I've posted it below so it can run through your mind too. You can listen to it while you read this post, if you'd like.
The past week has been quite the rollercoaster. I seem to be maintaining a little more of an even mood the past day or so although I still have those obsessive twinges that I have to work at releasing. Meditation and my study of dhamma has definitely helped me deal with the things I am experiencing right now. Just the fact that I can sit and meditate again tells me I'm making progress. Since I've been on the new med about three weeks, maybe that is how long it took for it to start working. I see the doctor again on Thursday for a follow-up.
Had an extremely interesting experience with an older woman on Friday at Spiral Circle. She noticed the flyer I had just posted on the wall about the NAMI Walk and asked about it. What I thought was someone interested in the walk was actually someone interested in explaining to me how I have been brainwashed by doctors and the government that I have this illness so they can control me. Thank goodness for meditation! I was able to realize I was losing my temper before I lost it and was able to get quiet and center and not argue with her. Instead, I once again, stopped and listened.
First of all, I'm not a huge conspiracy theorist. I don't believe in pre-destiny and am a stronger believer in free will. She suggested I watch a video she had just posted on her blog from a PROFESSOR who would explain everything to me and help me to see. I asked her, "So, I'm not supposed to trust my doctor, but I'm supposed to trust some guy with the title "Professor" that is on YouTube? I walked away from the experience realizing she was only there to remind me of why we walk. All communities, even the most "enlightened" suffer from misunderstanding and stigma related to mental illnesses.
I was pretty brave. I created a flyer with my face on it and below reads the caption: "Eliminating stigma. Putting a face on mental illness." Yeeeaaahhh. Like wearing the bipolar t-shirt in public, it's scary as HELL. I can just imagine the comments being made about the photo; especially considering I was manic when it was taken and have one of my famouse "The Joker" smiles on. I hate the idea of being labeled before people meet me, but it's the only way I know for people to understand not all the crazies, act crazy. Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm not supposed to call us crazy. I've been lectured that it is demeaning and just perpetuates the image we are trying to move away from.
We can't ignore the fact that some of us do act like we're crazy. I think the image of me being chased by guys with butterfly nets is pretty humorous. Thank goodness it isn't real, but it is funny. We have got to be able to laugh at ourselves and let others laugh too. The real issue is not what we are called. The issue is that people don't realize that some of us are functioning members of society because all they see and hear about are the ones who are unmedicated and act out. If those of us who are brave enough can be the first to step out and admit our illness to family, friends, and co-workers; then, we can begin to change the image and the words used to describe us. But as long as we hide and no one can see what a difference the right medical care and medication can do, the mentally ill will continue to live in the dark, forgotten and avoided.
I've had a ZILLION nudges to start writing my book. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable because I wasn't working on it. So I pulled out my big notebook that contains notes for a future meditation class and flipped to the back to start making notes and writing The Book. Imagine a surprise when I turned to the "new" section and found that I had already started listing chapters. I honestly do not remember doing that. So, that got me started. I spent about 4-1/2 hours writing the outline and first chapter to my book. I am at 2,000 words for the first chapter and am still working on it. This could take a while.
I do have eleven chapters outlined, but they are in a state of flux. As I write and review the outline, pieces keep shifting and moving. Some to other chapters, others to create another chapter. I did a search on the Internet and found the suggestion of 1,700 words per chapter for a 10 chapter book. Sounds like I'm doing pretty good on word count for Chatper 1. However, as I wrote it I paid no attention to word count. The story just flows and I just type. Sometimes, I don't even see the screen.
I'm very hopeful that this will pan out for me. If we can just pay off our home and our cars, then we could work part time jobs and dedicate ourselves full time to leading meditation circles and teaching meditation to anyone who wishes to learn. We could stay true to our initial mission which is to never charge for anything we offer in service to others. I believe accepting money for sharing one's gifts is a slippery slope I do not wish to find myself on. If I am supposed to do this full-time, then the way will open for us to do so. Until then, we just keep plugging away at it.
I was going to fast for 5 days to see if it would have an impact on my journey Wednesday evening. I made it to the end of day 2. I was getting ready to go to bed and went to post on Facebook that all I could think about was food so I was going to bed to keep from eating. In the post, I mentioned cookies and milk. Shortly afterwards I was standing in the kitchen with a half-eaten Oreo in my hand. So much for fasting for 5 days.
Had an extremely interesting experience with an older woman on Friday at Spiral Circle. She noticed the flyer I had just posted on the wall about the NAMI Walk and asked about it. What I thought was someone interested in the walk was actually someone interested in explaining to me how I have been brainwashed by doctors and the government that I have this illness so they can control me. Thank goodness for meditation! I was able to realize I was losing my temper before I lost it and was able to get quiet and center and not argue with her. Instead, I once again, stopped and listened.
I was pretty brave. I created a flyer with my face on it and below reads the caption: "Eliminating stigma. Putting a face on mental illness." Yeeeaaahhh. Like wearing the bipolar t-shirt in public, it's scary as HELL. I can just imagine the comments being made about the photo; especially considering I was manic when it was taken and have one of my famouse "The Joker" smiles on. I hate the idea of being labeled before people meet me, but it's the only way I know for people to understand not all the crazies, act crazy. Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm not supposed to call us crazy. I've been lectured that it is demeaning and just perpetuates the image we are trying to move away from.
I've had a ZILLION nudges to start writing my book. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable because I wasn't working on it. So I pulled out my big notebook that contains notes for a future meditation class and flipped to the back to start making notes and writing The Book. Imagine a surprise when I turned to the "new" section and found that I had already started listing chapters. I honestly do not remember doing that. So, that got me started. I spent about 4-1/2 hours writing the outline and first chapter to my book. I am at 2,000 words for the first chapter and am still working on it. This could take a while.
I'm very hopeful that this will pan out for me. If we can just pay off our home and our cars, then we could work part time jobs and dedicate ourselves full time to leading meditation circles and teaching meditation to anyone who wishes to learn. We could stay true to our initial mission which is to never charge for anything we offer in service to others. I believe accepting money for sharing one's gifts is a slippery slope I do not wish to find myself on. If I am supposed to do this full-time, then the way will open for us to do so. Until then, we just keep plugging away at it.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
you KNOW you can trust ME riiiggghhhttttt.......?
Steven was telling me about a support group he attended and how tragic some of the stories were that he heard there. As I listened to him the thought crossed my mind, "I wonder how many of those were exaggerated stories for pity?" Just when I thought I had finally earned my Compassion badge ...
I realize how I have been taught all my life DON'T TRUST - YOU WILL ONLY GET HURT! Of course, I have had that point proven in my life time and time again. Today, I realize, it is not the point of getting hurt. It's the point of expecting people to not make mistakes and then being disappointed when they do. It's expecting a specific outcome then being angry or annoyed or dismayed when it doesn't happen the way I had envisioned it happening.
It is so sad that we have lost sight of the fact that sometimes people hurt us or betray our trust and they really and truly don't mean to. That sometimes that horribly tragic life story you just heard actually COULD be a true story. Would you want to turn a deaf ear to the one that it's a truth because of the nine before that lied?
I realize how I have been taught all my life DON'T TRUST - YOU WILL ONLY GET HURT! Of course, I have had that point proven in my life time and time again. Today, I realize, it is not the point of getting hurt. It's the point of expecting people to not make mistakes and then being disappointed when they do. It's expecting a specific outcome then being angry or annoyed or dismayed when it doesn't happen the way I had envisioned it happening.
It is so sad that we have lost sight of the fact that sometimes people hurt us or betray our trust and they really and truly don't mean to. That sometimes that horribly tragic life story you just heard actually COULD be a true story. Would you want to turn a deaf ear to the one that it's a truth because of the nine before that lied?
W e h a v e t o l e a r n
t o t r u s t a g a i n . . .
sometimes we see ourselves in others ... and it's not pretty ...
I had an interesting experience in a class last week. There was a gentleman there who dominated most of the class with his own discussion. Always up for a good discussion, at first, I joined in. After a short time I realized he was not looking for discussion but only wished to speak. So I got quiet.
For me, that usually means I'm pissed. (Troy will nod his head in agreement when he reads that, I am certain.) But not this time. Okay, I'll admit it. Maybe I was just a little *piqued*. So I got quiet. But this time, I listened. I sat and listened to what he was saying without preparing my response in my head as he spoke. (How many of us are guilty of that? Uh, all of us!)
I emptied my mind and listened to what he was saying. After some time I realized he was talking in circles and wasn't really making any valid points that I could see or understand. I also came to understand that he truly wasn't interested in discussion. He appeared to be more interested in talking about what he knew and had read. I realized he was not here to learn what the material was about, but to debate it against everything he knew to that point in his life.
Once I came to this realization, I was no longer annoyed. It was also an extremely humbling experience because I saw myself in him. Am I the only person who is still getting to know who I really am?
For me, that usually means I'm pissed. (Troy will nod his head in agreement when he reads that, I am certain.) But not this time. Okay, I'll admit it. Maybe I was just a little *piqued*. So I got quiet. But this time, I listened. I sat and listened to what he was saying without preparing my response in my head as he spoke. (How many of us are guilty of that? Uh, all of us!)
I emptied my mind and listened to what he was saying. After some time I realized he was talking in circles and wasn't really making any valid points that I could see or understand. I also came to understand that he truly wasn't interested in discussion. He appeared to be more interested in talking about what he knew and had read. I realized he was not here to learn what the material was about, but to debate it against everything he knew to that point in his life.
Once I came to this realization, I was no longer annoyed. It was also an extremely humbling experience because I saw myself in him. Am I the only person who is still getting to know who I really am?
the Greatest Purse ... Ever
i hate this whole ping-pong thing i have going on. felt melancholy most of the morning which turned into what felt like a depression by late afternoon. i was a complete and total bummer at lunch today. just couldn't seem to find the energy to laugh. nothing seemed funny. everything was turning gray.
my entire body felt tired. i felt tired. i just wanted to cry. i felt hopeless. i felt worthless. i felt like there is just no point in going on. thoughts of suicide flitted through my mind. i came home to an empty house, sat at the dining room table, and just stared into space, feeling apathetic.
an hour later troy arrived home. i always hate greeting him at the door with my "i'm sinking" look. as always, he takes it in stride. listens to me when i want to speak. gently encourages. reminds me of things i forget. like that he loves me and i'll be okay.
a couple of hours after that steven had me laughing at a story he was relaying to me. a good belly laugh. it seemed to lift my spirits a little. (i've heard a rumor that laughter can lift your spirits, even when you don't mean it.) troy and i continued joking and laughing while we ran to joann's where i got the t-shirt markers and cardboard i needed for my t-shirt project.
a little background info for the next confession. i have a purse fetish. unlike women with shoe fetishes who buy lots of them, i do not buy lots of purses to match different outfits. my fetish is much more unusual. i search and search until i find the "perfect" purse. it has all the features my current purse is lacking or lacks the features i find frustrating with my current purse. once said new purse has been procured, i would dump everything out of my old purse and into my new purse right there at the cashier's counter if troy didn't stop me. that's how weird i get about purses.
but i don't change purses. i use the same one every single day, every single outfit, every single occasion. (okay, small lie. i did change purses when i accompanied steven for his court appointment.) as i use it i will begin to take note of the small "defects". things that just don't work for me. "the sides are too saggy, things keep falling out" or "the sides are too stiff, it's not flexible enough" or "there's no pocket to put my keys in that they don't fall out" or "there's no pocket that will hold my iPhone snugly without it falling out" or "there's no zipper on the top of the bag and i'm afraid things are going to fall out" or... i think you get the picture. i find defects until ... it is time to find the next in Greatest Purses Ever.
i told you all of that to tell you this. tonight, i procured the latest in Greatest Purses Ever. it gets top scores for being yellow! so between the outing for the markers and finally finding the right purse, i was feeling a little more upbeat.
of course, as soon as i got home i HAD to do the t-shirt and so i did. and now it's 12:30 in the AM and i am still awake. *sigh* maybe i should skip meditation in the morning and get an extra hour sleep? i hate skipping meditation though!! but at the same time, i feel wide awake.
some days i really hate being me more than others. this was one of those days.
my entire body felt tired. i felt tired. i just wanted to cry. i felt hopeless. i felt worthless. i felt like there is just no point in going on. thoughts of suicide flitted through my mind. i came home to an empty house, sat at the dining room table, and just stared into space, feeling apathetic.
an hour later troy arrived home. i always hate greeting him at the door with my "i'm sinking" look. as always, he takes it in stride. listens to me when i want to speak. gently encourages. reminds me of things i forget. like that he loves me and i'll be okay.
a couple of hours after that steven had me laughing at a story he was relaying to me. a good belly laugh. it seemed to lift my spirits a little. (i've heard a rumor that laughter can lift your spirits, even when you don't mean it.) troy and i continued joking and laughing while we ran to joann's where i got the t-shirt markers and cardboard i needed for my t-shirt project.
a little background info for the next confession. i have a purse fetish. unlike women with shoe fetishes who buy lots of them, i do not buy lots of purses to match different outfits. my fetish is much more unusual. i search and search until i find the "perfect" purse. it has all the features my current purse is lacking or lacks the features i find frustrating with my current purse. once said new purse has been procured, i would dump everything out of my old purse and into my new purse right there at the cashier's counter if troy didn't stop me. that's how weird i get about purses.
but i don't change purses. i use the same one every single day, every single outfit, every single occasion. (okay, small lie. i did change purses when i accompanied steven for his court appointment.) as i use it i will begin to take note of the small "defects". things that just don't work for me. "the sides are too saggy, things keep falling out" or "the sides are too stiff, it's not flexible enough" or "there's no pocket to put my keys in that they don't fall out" or "there's no pocket that will hold my iPhone snugly without it falling out" or "there's no zipper on the top of the bag and i'm afraid things are going to fall out" or... i think you get the picture. i find defects until ... it is time to find the next in Greatest Purses Ever.
i told you all of that to tell you this. tonight, i procured the latest in Greatest Purses Ever. it gets top scores for being yellow! so between the outing for the markers and finally finding the right purse, i was feeling a little more upbeat.
of course, as soon as i got home i HAD to do the t-shirt and so i did. and now it's 12:30 in the AM and i am still awake. *sigh* maybe i should skip meditation in the morning and get an extra hour sleep? i hate skipping meditation though!! but at the same time, i feel wide awake.
some days i really hate being me more than others. this was one of those days.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
i am not like the other people in your life.
i can't get over it, mellow out, learn to live with it, take a chill pill, calm down, deal with it, or change the way you want me to change. it takes a huge amount of will just to survive this illness. mania takes away my reasoning. depression makes my life pointless.
if you tell me to change my behavior when i'm in a mood swing, i won't believe that i can, or even hear you. my brain is telling me something different than you're telling me. people with bipolar disorder have a civil war going on in their brains--this war is between the real person and the ill person. and sometimes the ill person wins.
but i am here and i want to listen to you. learn as much as you can about this illness and then ask me questions. then we can communicate better.
our relationship means so much. i promise to do all that i can to manage this illness.
if you tell me to change my behavior when i'm in a mood swing, i won't believe that i can, or even hear you. my brain is telling me something different than you're telling me. people with bipolar disorder have a civil war going on in their brains--this war is between the real person and the ill person. and sometimes the ill person wins.
but i am here and i want to listen to you. learn as much as you can about this illness and then ask me questions. then we can communicate better.
our relationship means so much. i promise to do all that i can to manage this illness.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
increase in med
I'm feeling good (as to be expected) but still feel like I'm on that edge. If there is too much excitement around me I might latch onto it and bump the hypomania up a notch. I definitely had trouble sleeping last night and didn't fall asleep until about 1 AM or so. Got up at 5:30, so only 4-1/2 hours sleep, but at least I slept well during that time. It surprised me that I had trouble going to sleep since I took the Geodon and, up to this point, it has always made sleepy. It was almost the opposite. We'll see how tonight goes with 80 mg!
Planning to go to Temple tonight for our discussion group. Tonight we will be discussing the Sutra of the Eight Realizations of Great Beings. This is a Mahayana text which incorporates the Bodhisattva concept into Buddhism. My limited understanding of this teaching is that one can attain full enlightenment, yet choose to remain in the realm of unenlightened beings with the dedication of being in service to others to assist them as they attain their own enlightenment.
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The word enlightenment is over-used and frequently misunderstood. I believe we obtain enlightenment every time we come to understand something better. I believe it is a daily process of discovery and understanding. Asking questions and finding the answers. There is, of course, the Supreme Enlightenment which would cross into Buddhism, Christianity, and other beliefs which incorporate reincarnation and/or an "ascension" process resulting in the "perfection of the soul or awareness".Enlightenment is not a pie-in-the-sky concept that is unattainable by we mere mortal men and women. It is not reserved for nuns, monks, priests, or any other form of clergy. It is something you can choose each day of your life. Open a book. Talk to a stranger. Watch something educational on TV. Cultivate compassion for others, especially when they appear to deserve it the least.
Don't know where all that came from. Hmmm...got that creative juice flowing, I guess?
Yeah, that proves the doctors point for increasing my meds. Even he could tell before I had to say anything. He didn't ask, he stated, "So you look like you're feeling better, but still slightly hypomanic?"
A-yup. Definitely not running on empty.
geodon
On Monday,Ii began sinking lower from the mania and began to get "teary", crying easily. Felt a great deal of shame and embarassment for my behavior during the manic period. I saw my doctor that morning and he prescribed Geodon, an antipsychotic drug that has shown good results as a complement to a mood stabilizer that helps balance out mania. Isn't Geodon a Pokeman? Dr Chacko, my psych, warned me that it had to be taken with food and might make me sleepy. When I got home I ate something and took the Geodon around 1 PM. By 3, I was nodding at the keyboard. Definitely a pill I'll be taking with dinner instead!
I don't know how quickly it is supposed to start working, but I haven't sunk deeper. If nothing else, I would say I'm moving between slight depression and hypomania, with more of an edge of hypomania. I see Dr Chacko this afternoon for a follow-up.
Fortunately, my boss and co-workers are very understanding of my condition and I am able to work from home. This definitely helps with reducing stress. I've also been getting a little more sleep, which should help.
My primary concern is "am I getting worse? Will I get worse as I get older?". That is a truly frightening prospect. I do know this was the worst manic episode I've ever had -- and that's even compared to when I was unmedicated. I also used to say, when telling others about my condition, that I'm "just a little bipolar. I'm not a full-blown bipolar. It's not as bad for me as it is for others."
I don't think I'll be saying that anymore. I was honestly becoming concerned that if the mani did not break, I was indeed going to end up hospitalized. The last time I was hospitalized was about 6 or 7 years ago and that was more to get me off the Klonopin I had been abusing. It wasn't a "this gets me high" kind of abuse. It was from when I was prescribed Klonopin to help with anxiety. However, Klonopin is highly addictive. I fell into a deep depression and started taking more than I should as an attempt to battle depression. Not logical, but I was desperate. When I reached, what I like to think of as, Zombie, Troy got me in to Dr Chacko and I ended up at Florida Hospital for a brief 3-day stay. I certainly don't want to end up like that again! Trust me when I say it's a frightening experience.
What is even more frightening is the realization of how little control I have over my brain. At my brain's discretion I can slip into an altered state in which I have very little or no control over my actions and/or speech. Take a few minutes and think about that.
No, I don't mean continue to the next paragraph. I seriously mean think about it. See yourself at work and exhibiting unusual behavior. High energy, can't sit still. Energy that can't be explained away by coffee or Red Bull. A jittery feeling underneath your skin, almost like it itches but you know scratching the outside won't ease the inside. You can't itch on the inside, so you move your body in an attempt to ease the discomfort that you know is completely and totally psychomatic. But you can't control it and pace. Sudden changes in direction or thought. Unusual language patterns. For me, fuck becomes my favorite word during a manic episode. Suggestive speech that crosses sexual harassment boundaries. A part of you watches as your mouth moves and your body jerks around moving from place-to-place. Your self-confidence is exaggerated. You think you are the funniest person around. You can accomplish anything. You are on-top-of-the-world. And none - of - it - is - real.
Eventually, the mania passes and what passes for normalcy settles in. Next, the guilt, embarassment and remorse kick in. This part eventually becomes a focal point for my glide into depression. I obssess about who I really am and what I've said or done. I feel as if there is something wrong with me. Something weak.
I abhor weakness as does most everyone in my family. We must always be strong and I have tried so hard to be strong my entire life. I obssess over the fact that it's becoming more obvious and I can't hide it as well. Now everyone can see how weak I am. I have to ask for help now. If I were stronger, then I would have better self-control. That is one reason I am so dedicated to meditation. Meditation teaches self-control.
I am hopeful that if I can achieve the right balance of
I don't know how quickly it is supposed to start working, but I haven't sunk deeper. If nothing else, I would say I'm moving between slight depression and hypomania, with more of an edge of hypomania. I see Dr Chacko this afternoon for a follow-up.
Fortunately, my boss and co-workers are very understanding of my condition and I am able to work from home. This definitely helps with reducing stress. I've also been getting a little more sleep, which should help.
My primary concern is "am I getting worse? Will I get worse as I get older?". That is a truly frightening prospect. I do know this was the worst manic episode I've ever had -- and that's even compared to when I was unmedicated. I also used to say, when telling others about my condition, that I'm "just a little bipolar. I'm not a full-blown bipolar. It's not as bad for me as it is for others."
I don't think I'll be saying that anymore. I was honestly becoming concerned that if the mani did not break, I was indeed going to end up hospitalized. The last time I was hospitalized was about 6 or 7 years ago and that was more to get me off the Klonopin I had been abusing. It wasn't a "this gets me high" kind of abuse. It was from when I was prescribed Klonopin to help with anxiety. However, Klonopin is highly addictive. I fell into a deep depression and started taking more than I should as an attempt to battle depression. Not logical, but I was desperate. When I reached, what I like to think of as, Zombie, Troy got me in to Dr Chacko and I ended up at Florida Hospital for a brief 3-day stay. I certainly don't want to end up like that again! Trust me when I say it's a frightening experience.
What is even more frightening is the realization of how little control I have over my brain. At my brain's discretion I can slip into an altered state in which I have very little or no control over my actions and/or speech. Take a few minutes and think about that.
No, I don't mean continue to the next paragraph. I seriously mean think about it. See yourself at work and exhibiting unusual behavior. High energy, can't sit still. Energy that can't be explained away by coffee or Red Bull. A jittery feeling underneath your skin, almost like it itches but you know scratching the outside won't ease the inside. You can't itch on the inside, so you move your body in an attempt to ease the discomfort that you know is completely and totally psychomatic. But you can't control it and pace. Sudden changes in direction or thought. Unusual language patterns. For me, fuck becomes my favorite word during a manic episode. Suggestive speech that crosses sexual harassment boundaries. A part of you watches as your mouth moves and your body jerks around moving from place-to-place. Your self-confidence is exaggerated. You think you are the funniest person around. You can accomplish anything. You are on-top-of-the-world. And none - of - it - is - real.
Eventually, the mania passes and what passes for normalcy settles in. Next, the guilt, embarassment and remorse kick in. This part eventually becomes a focal point for my glide into depression. I obssess about who I really am and what I've said or done. I feel as if there is something wrong with me. Something weak.
I abhor weakness as does most everyone in my family. We must always be strong and I have tried so hard to be strong my entire life. I obssess over the fact that it's becoming more obvious and I can't hide it as well. Now everyone can see how weak I am. I have to ask for help now. If I were stronger, then I would have better self-control. That is one reason I am so dedicated to meditation. Meditation teaches self-control.
I am hopeful that if I can achieve the right balance of
- medication,
- meditation,
- sleep,
- exercise,
- stress,
- downtime, and
- whatever else I find that I need.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
i think it's the beginning of the end
friday night troy played drums and music for me so i could spend about two hours attempting to meditate. it definitely relaxed me. afterwards, i went straight to bed and got about 8 hours of sleep. of course, the last two hours of my sleep were spent fighting groucho off as he kept getting in my face to remind me it was past his regular feeding time. he hasn't quite gotten the hang of "we sleep in on the weekend".
i got to spend an hour in the sun before getting ready to spend the afternoon and share dinner with good friends. the day was overall very laid back and relaxed. i was still somewhat manic throughout the day but as the evening wore on i could feel myself losing that buzzing edge i have been living with for a while now.
my head is getting quieter. this morning i'm actually feeling a little lethargic. i'm having trouble staying focused but not for the same reason. during the mania, i couldn't stay focused because there was so much going on in my head. now it feels like my brain is molasses because i'm having trouble connecting a flow of thoughts. hmm, now that i say that, i remember yesterday afternoon and last night a few times were i completely dropped a thought during conversation and couldn't recollect what i was originally saying. maybe early signs that the mania is subsiding?
i also am not feeling the impulsiveness, compulsion, and obsessiveness i was feeling so strongly before. it's almost as if i feel like i'm back in my head and back in control again. just have that slight hint of depression hovering nearby, like the smell of rain on the wind when a storm is approaching.
i am planning to spend another hour in the sun today. studies have shown that natural sunlight can help with depression. if i am on the downslide now, i want to do everything i can to prevent that slide from going too deep. i am still planning to get an appointment with my psychiatrist monday and talk about my recent episode and if we may need to increase the dosage again.
peace and enjoy your easter sunday
i got to spend an hour in the sun before getting ready to spend the afternoon and share dinner with good friends. the day was overall very laid back and relaxed. i was still somewhat manic throughout the day but as the evening wore on i could feel myself losing that buzzing edge i have been living with for a while now.
my head is getting quieter. this morning i'm actually feeling a little lethargic. i'm having trouble staying focused but not for the same reason. during the mania, i couldn't stay focused because there was so much going on in my head. now it feels like my brain is molasses because i'm having trouble connecting a flow of thoughts. hmm, now that i say that, i remember yesterday afternoon and last night a few times were i completely dropped a thought during conversation and couldn't recollect what i was originally saying. maybe early signs that the mania is subsiding?
i also am not feeling the impulsiveness, compulsion, and obsessiveness i was feeling so strongly before. it's almost as if i feel like i'm back in my head and back in control again. just have that slight hint of depression hovering nearby, like the smell of rain on the wind when a storm is approaching.
i am planning to spend another hour in the sun today. studies have shown that natural sunlight can help with depression. if i am on the downslide now, i want to do everything i can to prevent that slide from going too deep. i am still planning to get an appointment with my psychiatrist monday and talk about my recent episode and if we may need to increase the dosage again.
peace and enjoy your easter sunday
Saturday, April 3, 2010
the high metabolism
yesterday was pretty intense. by mid-morning i was feeling jittery. had to take a walk outside a couple of times and stand in the sun because i just couldn't sit still and felt this impulsive need to be outside, in the sun, moving. the sun feels so good on my skin. i can feel it going deep into the muscles. it helps me relax and i feel like i'm being recharged. makes me think of that guy i saw one day driving back from lunch many, many years ago. he stood on the side of the road. he was butt naked. staring at the sun. as we drove by, all i could think about was how good that would feel and i wish i could do that too. it's still one of my lifetime dreams is to have that opportunity but in the middle of nowhere with no one else around (well, except Troy). Not at the intersection of Kirkman and Sand Lake roads.
i had lunch with a good friend of mine, andrea. she's an amazing and highly intelligent woman with whom i always enjoy having her undivided attention for a relaxing lunch. i admire her so much as she devotes much of her time to being in service to others. one of the groups she works with is the homeless, of which a few are bipolar. it's always nice to discuss my illness with others who are genuinely interested in understanding it better and how they can help those they know who are affected by it. bob and chris are like that too. by them asking me questions, it also helps me understand it better too.
when i returned to work after lunch all hell had broken loose and we had all types of issues popping up. they probably wouldn't have been as bad, but with my extreme inability to concentrate it was torture trying to stay focused on one thing. then when you have people calling, IMing and sending emails, it gets even more difficult to stay focused on one task. needless to say, i was at work until late last night. again.
my mouth ran 100 miles per hour all day long to just about any poor soul that would listen or couldn't escape. some of the things coming out of my mouth surprised even me. i ... just ... could ... not ... keep ... my ... mouth ... shut ...
i wish i could get people to understand how it is. it's almost like being possessed. it's a horrible, horrible feeling of being completely out of control of yourself. but the flip side is that it feels so good. once you hook into the mania, it is like a drug and you don't want it to go. you are all-powerful. all-knowing. time becomes irrelevant. you are super-(wo)man. you know secrets of the universe. you can do ANYTHING. you have ALL THIS ENERGY!!!
i know i'm approaching the peak, i have to be. if i go any further upward, i will be scared. i am going to call my doctor on monday. i'm sure he'll want to increase my meds again. that sucks, but, that's just the way it is, right? some would say it's a small price to pay for sanity. that is another concern i have. what if it's getting worse? is it that it's getting worse or is it that i'm just more aware of my symptoms now than ever before? I have never been as aware of myself in a mania as i am right now. normally i would just be riding the winds of whatever emotion is striking me at that moment. while no less intense, i do seem to be able to direct it a little better now than before because it's more real. more tangible. maybe i'm learning to embrace it instead of running away from it. i have to admit, it does feel freeing to be open and just allow it to flow rather than trying to keep it all bottled up inside and squished down tight with a lid.
i've also had a few question my willingness to publicly discuss some of these things. i am deeply grateful troy allows me to share at this level because i recognize it compromises his privacy as well. maybe it is part of the disorder, but i have always believed i could do good things to help people. when i identify something that i am uniquely able to help others with, i have a driving desire to do so. educating others about bipolar disorder is one of those things.
my father was diagnosed with a mental illness. i remember how it was for him when i was a child. he fought his diagnosis and refused to accept it, even though it was glaringly obvious to those around him. people treated him differently and his family did not understand him, much less be there and support him. instead he was critized and called, "crazy larry", and not always behind his back.
now i share his burden with my own diagnosis. i also walk his lonely path. people fear and avoid what they don't understand. there is always shame, anxiety, and guilt attached to my disorder. some discourage me from telling others what i have been diagnosed with. i have felt anxiety when the symptoms begin to manifest and i try to play "normal" for everyone else so they don't see. many times people tell me, "if you hadn't told me, i never would have known. you don't have any of the symptoms i would have expected". is it because i am doing a fairly good job of managing my disorder? maybe i am just very good at hiding my symptoms or maybe they don't understand the symptoms.
if sharing my experiences will help another to not feel alone, then i am willing to do it. if helping someone who doesn't have bipolar understand better what we feel, then i am more than willing to do it. maybe it's also because i want people to see me, the real me.
once you have it, you always have it, or at least at this point in scientific research, this is true, but hopefully will change one day. i live with it every single moment of every single day. i may go weeks or even months without remembering what lives inside my head. but one day, it wakes up and then it takes over my brain for the next couple of weeks or months. i don't get to take a vacation from it. it chooses when i can have a vacation from wild mood swings. i try to medicate it, but it is elusive and its metabolism burns quite high sometimes and is non-existent at others. medication is sometimes just a crap shoot in a barrel full of fish.
it is here, and for now, it lives in the master bedroom in my head.
i had lunch with a good friend of mine, andrea. she's an amazing and highly intelligent woman with whom i always enjoy having her undivided attention for a relaxing lunch. i admire her so much as she devotes much of her time to being in service to others. one of the groups she works with is the homeless, of which a few are bipolar. it's always nice to discuss my illness with others who are genuinely interested in understanding it better and how they can help those they know who are affected by it. bob and chris are like that too. by them asking me questions, it also helps me understand it better too.
when i returned to work after lunch all hell had broken loose and we had all types of issues popping up. they probably wouldn't have been as bad, but with my extreme inability to concentrate it was torture trying to stay focused on one thing. then when you have people calling, IMing and sending emails, it gets even more difficult to stay focused on one task. needless to say, i was at work until late last night. again.
my mouth ran 100 miles per hour all day long to just about any poor soul that would listen or couldn't escape. some of the things coming out of my mouth surprised even me. i ... just ... could ... not ... keep ... my ... mouth ... shut ...
i wish i could get people to understand how it is. it's almost like being possessed. it's a horrible, horrible feeling of being completely out of control of yourself. but the flip side is that it feels so good. once you hook into the mania, it is like a drug and you don't want it to go. you are all-powerful. all-knowing. time becomes irrelevant. you are super-(wo)man. you know secrets of the universe. you can do ANYTHING. you have ALL THIS ENERGY!!!
i know i'm approaching the peak, i have to be. if i go any further upward, i will be scared. i am going to call my doctor on monday. i'm sure he'll want to increase my meds again. that sucks, but, that's just the way it is, right? some would say it's a small price to pay for sanity. that is another concern i have. what if it's getting worse? is it that it's getting worse or is it that i'm just more aware of my symptoms now than ever before? I have never been as aware of myself in a mania as i am right now. normally i would just be riding the winds of whatever emotion is striking me at that moment. while no less intense, i do seem to be able to direct it a little better now than before because it's more real. more tangible. maybe i'm learning to embrace it instead of running away from it. i have to admit, it does feel freeing to be open and just allow it to flow rather than trying to keep it all bottled up inside and squished down tight with a lid.
i've also had a few question my willingness to publicly discuss some of these things. i am deeply grateful troy allows me to share at this level because i recognize it compromises his privacy as well. maybe it is part of the disorder, but i have always believed i could do good things to help people. when i identify something that i am uniquely able to help others with, i have a driving desire to do so. educating others about bipolar disorder is one of those things.
my father was diagnosed with a mental illness. i remember how it was for him when i was a child. he fought his diagnosis and refused to accept it, even though it was glaringly obvious to those around him. people treated him differently and his family did not understand him, much less be there and support him. instead he was critized and called, "crazy larry", and not always behind his back.
now i share his burden with my own diagnosis. i also walk his lonely path. people fear and avoid what they don't understand. there is always shame, anxiety, and guilt attached to my disorder. some discourage me from telling others what i have been diagnosed with. i have felt anxiety when the symptoms begin to manifest and i try to play "normal" for everyone else so they don't see. many times people tell me, "if you hadn't told me, i never would have known. you don't have any of the symptoms i would have expected". is it because i am doing a fairly good job of managing my disorder? maybe i am just very good at hiding my symptoms or maybe they don't understand the symptoms.
if sharing my experiences will help another to not feel alone, then i am willing to do it. if helping someone who doesn't have bipolar understand better what we feel, then i am more than willing to do it. maybe it's also because i want people to see me, the real me.
once you have it, you always have it, or at least at this point in scientific research, this is true, but hopefully will change one day. i live with it every single moment of every single day. i may go weeks or even months without remembering what lives inside my head. but one day, it wakes up and then it takes over my brain for the next couple of weeks or months. i don't get to take a vacation from it. it chooses when i can have a vacation from wild mood swings. i try to medicate it, but it is elusive and its metabolism burns quite high sometimes and is non-existent at others. medication is sometimes just a crap shoot in a barrel full of fish.
it is here, and for now, it lives in the master bedroom in my head.
Friday, April 2, 2010
turning manic
The song, Turning Japanese, originally came out when I was a teen and it quickly became one of my favorites. Thinking about it now, I think the energy of the song is probably a lot like turning manic. It's an almost frantic, loud, obsessive movement of words and sound in your head. Your entire body is buzzing with energy. While you may have calm moments within the song, the frantic chorus always returns and overpowers.
It's a true, true blessing to have a partner who has come to understand my disorder almost better than I do. He can usually spot the beginning of a manic period before I can. He spotted this one long before I did. I only became aware, or acknowledged it, in the past day or so. To me it is such a gradual shift that I don't realize it. Well, that, and I just enjoy the energy, creativity, and confidence that come from it without analyzing where it's coming from. I'd like to think it's all coming from inside of me. (Would that be the feelings of grandeur, they speak of?)
Usually, I am only hypomanic, which is not a full blown mania. Last night I realized I have approached the edge of a full-blown mania. As Troy and I were discussing my symptoms and how long they've lasted, I realized how far into it I am and how close to a manic episode I have come. I can feel the potential for full-blown delusions and possible hallucinations in the forecast. And I have absolutely no control over it. All I can do is hang on and ride the wave best I can until it passes.
I don't know how to describe how my mind feels at this point, but it's almost as if there is this "ghost" in my mind and it starts to feel "wispy". It's like there are two of me and the "normal" me is fading away and the "manic" me is taking over. It is so hard to describe. It's like being two minds in one body. There is a very, very tiny part of my mind that understands social cues and what inappropriate behavior or talk is. But when the manic mind takes over, I can't hear that teeny tiny part anymore. I'm not even sure if it exists sometimes, except I will get glimpses of mini me. Impulse control is almost non-existent. That is where friends and family are so important to help keep me in check and prevent me from going off the deep end no matter how badly I may want to dive into that deep, blue sea with my water wings.
According to WebMD (one of my fav medical sites):
If you have three or more of the mania symptoms below most of the day -- nearly every day -- for one week or longer, you may be having a manic episode of bipolar disorder.
As Troy and I were talking about it last night I realized, I usually only blog when I'm depressed. Talking about my symptoms last night helped get things into perspective and I feel a little calmer this morning. I also realized the importance of blogging about the mania so people will understand it as well.
I share this next part, not to be lewd or inappropriate, but because I feel it is equally important to disclose this part of my disorder. When I approach mania my sex drive increases and everything becomes sexually suggestive; such as innocent comments or a song on the radio will suddenly have sexual innuendos. In contrast, my orgasms are also a lot stronger. Last night was the highest point of my manic episode and the energy buzzing through me was extremely intense. Troy and I took advantage of this energy and my orgasm last night was one of those heart-stopping, "I can't breathe", and I-no-longer-exist experiences. I had intended to get up and do a few things before falling asleep last night, but I literally could not move a muscle and fell asleep. When I awoke this morning, I felt refreshed and calmer than I did last night before our nocturnal activity. However, the longer I am awake, the more distracted I am feeling and I can feel that familiar buzz underneath my skin starting ever so gently.
It will be interesting to see how today unfolds and if I will remain calm or if the mania will increase as the day grows warmer. But, like I said, as long as you don't mind me being loud and talking obsessively, I can be a lot of fun to hang around with when I'm like this. Just keep the check book and ATM card away from me.
The only concern I have that I am trying to drown out of my head now (because it will surely lead to depression) is the bubbling thought, "Does this mean you're getting worse as you get older?". I hope not.
We aren't being stupid and realize the importance of my medication. We will continue to monitor this weekend. Hopefully, last night was the peak and I'll be on the downslide again. If not, then I will call Dr Chacko and discuss increasing my meds again. The only thing I will have to be careful of now is how far down I will slide when I come off this peak. That's the part that always scares me the most. That's when I start thinking about hurting myself again.
It's a true, true blessing to have a partner who has come to understand my disorder almost better than I do. He can usually spot the beginning of a manic period before I can. He spotted this one long before I did. I only became aware, or acknowledged it, in the past day or so. To me it is such a gradual shift that I don't realize it. Well, that, and I just enjoy the energy, creativity, and confidence that come from it without analyzing where it's coming from. I'd like to think it's all coming from inside of me. (Would that be the feelings of grandeur, they speak of?)
Usually, I am only hypomanic, which is not a full blown mania. Last night I realized I have approached the edge of a full-blown mania. As Troy and I were discussing my symptoms and how long they've lasted, I realized how far into it I am and how close to a manic episode I have come. I can feel the potential for full-blown delusions and possible hallucinations in the forecast. And I have absolutely no control over it. All I can do is hang on and ride the wave best I can until it passes.
I don't know how to describe how my mind feels at this point, but it's almost as if there is this "ghost" in my mind and it starts to feel "wispy". It's like there are two of me and the "normal" me is fading away and the "manic" me is taking over. It is so hard to describe. It's like being two minds in one body. There is a very, very tiny part of my mind that understands social cues and what inappropriate behavior or talk is. But when the manic mind takes over, I can't hear that teeny tiny part anymore. I'm not even sure if it exists sometimes, except I will get glimpses of mini me. Impulse control is almost non-existent. That is where friends and family are so important to help keep me in check and prevent me from going off the deep end no matter how badly I may want to dive into that deep, blue sea with my water wings.
According to WebMD (one of my fav medical sites):
If you have three or more of the mania symptoms below most of the day -- nearly every day -- for one week or longer, you may be having a manic episode of bipolar disorder.
- Excessive happiness, hopefulness, and excitement
- Check - about two weeks or so now. Why fight THAT?
- Sudden changes from being joyful to being irritable, angry, and hostile
- Check - There have been occasions where the smallest thing could quickly swing me into anger and hostility, then just as quickly swing back to a joyful state.
- Restlessness, increased energy, and less need for sleep
- Check - Having a hard time sitting still for long periods. I have that constant jittery feeling in my muscles and just underneath my skin like there is electricity racing underneath and I have to move or explode. If not for Troy's encouragement, I probably would not have bothered to go to bed at all last night. I have done quite a few 4 hour nights for the past couple of weeks now, as well. (4 hours sleep per night is not a good thing for bipolars at all.)
- Rapid talk, talkativeness
- Double-Triple-Check - Sometimes I am talking so much and so fast, even I can't keep up. It's only because my brain is going faster than the muscles in my mouth can move and I cannot control the desire to express everything inside my head to anyone who will listen.
- Distractibility
- Check - Do you mean like while I'm writing this I keep bouncing back and forth between reading the top and bottom of this post and re-writing sections instead of reading it all the way through as intended; as well as update blogger settings, and send a couple of emails as I remembered to do those things while I'm writing this post?
- Racing thoughts
- Check - You could call my mind Speed Racer. Vroom-vrooom!! Thoughts are zinging around in my head like a zillion small rubber balls in a small room, bouncing off one another.
- High sex drive
- Check - Troy nor I have any complaints about this one.
- Tendency to make grand and unattainable plans
- Slightly checked - I started the Spiral Circle NAMIWalks team with the delusion that as soon as I notified people about it they would FLOCK to the site to become a walk member or to donate because they would ALL SEE the Importance of Mental Illness Education because It Is one of The Most Important Causes Of Our Time. That doesn't seem to be working out so well. Not to mention, I can't stay focused long enough to work on the promotional materials for the Team.
- Tendency to show poor judgment, such as deciding to quit a job
- Check - or like knowing when to keep your mouth shut or recoginizing social cues? Having an extremely loud conversation in a crowded restaurant about bunny vibrators and sex-toy stores?
- Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity -- unrealistic beliefs in one's ability, intelligence, and powers; may be delusional
- Check - is it delusional to suddenly feel as if you are a Sexual Goddess and everyone wants you because you exude this irresistible scent? Have you been around me lately? Maybe it's not a delusion. The feeling that I am invincible? That I can do anything I put my mind to? That I can write a novel in one week end? That the chapter I just wrote is the beginning of THE NOVEL?
- Increased reckless behaviors (such as lavish spending sprees, impulsive sexual indiscretions, abuse of alcohol or drugs, or ill-advised business decisions)
- Countermeasure check - Troy is keeping me out of Barnes & Noble. My friends at work are keeping me in check and making sure I don't do anything I'll regret later. Definitely have become extremely inappropriate and loud at work. Thank goodness we work in an enclosed area and everyone in the room knows what I have and understands my behavior. (Actually, I think I amuse them most of the time.)
As Troy and I were talking about it last night I realized, I usually only blog when I'm depressed. Talking about my symptoms last night helped get things into perspective and I feel a little calmer this morning. I also realized the importance of blogging about the mania so people will understand it as well.
I share this next part, not to be lewd or inappropriate, but because I feel it is equally important to disclose this part of my disorder. When I approach mania my sex drive increases and everything becomes sexually suggestive; such as innocent comments or a song on the radio will suddenly have sexual innuendos. In contrast, my orgasms are also a lot stronger. Last night was the highest point of my manic episode and the energy buzzing through me was extremely intense. Troy and I took advantage of this energy and my orgasm last night was one of those heart-stopping, "I can't breathe", and I-no-longer-exist experiences. I had intended to get up and do a few things before falling asleep last night, but I literally could not move a muscle and fell asleep. When I awoke this morning, I felt refreshed and calmer than I did last night before our nocturnal activity. However, the longer I am awake, the more distracted I am feeling and I can feel that familiar buzz underneath my skin starting ever so gently.
It will be interesting to see how today unfolds and if I will remain calm or if the mania will increase as the day grows warmer. But, like I said, as long as you don't mind me being loud and talking obsessively, I can be a lot of fun to hang around with when I'm like this. Just keep the check book and ATM card away from me.
The only concern I have that I am trying to drown out of my head now (because it will surely lead to depression) is the bubbling thought, "Does this mean you're getting worse as you get older?". I hope not.
We aren't being stupid and realize the importance of my medication. We will continue to monitor this weekend. Hopefully, last night was the peak and I'll be on the downslide again. If not, then I will call Dr Chacko and discuss increasing my meds again. The only thing I will have to be careful of now is how far down I will slide when I come off this peak. That's the part that always scares me the most. That's when I start thinking about hurting myself again.
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